General Question

longtresses's avatar

Blind date - clever questions to find out his obscure background?

Asked by longtresses (1332points) October 12th, 2010

A man a few years older.
Works in art/film and says he is good at what he does.
Says he’s a workaholic, with Friday nights working on projects.
Says he has 6-figure income.
Doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs.
Is on a dating website—even though he works in film?

Onto the coffee blind date. What are some clever ways to find him out?

He sounds too good to be true.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

30 Answers

Scooby's avatar

Just ask him, it’s not the Spanish inquisition is it?? :-/

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
diavolobella's avatar

It seems odd that he’s already blacked out his Friday nights.

xxii's avatar

I would just ask. There’s nothing wrong with asking “what do you do for a living?” If he doesn’t want to give you more details than what you already know, I would take that as a red flag.

longtresses's avatar

Please try to answer in a way that’s helpful.

poofandmook's avatar

Actually, I’d want to know what dating site you found him on first. I think that’d be helpful.

longtresses's avatar

@poofandmook okcupid.. everybody’s on that website

diavolobella's avatar

What do you consider “helpful”? I think it’s odd that he’s blacked out his Friday nights ahead of time. I consider that to be a red flag as @xxii does. It is not helpful for people to tell you they see red flags? There are not necessarily any ways to find out his background, but the mere fact that he is obscuring it would be worrisome in the first place. You should just ask him what you want to know.

xxii's avatar

I was trying to be helpful. What’s wrong with just asking? It’s a perfectly normal question to ask in order to get to know someone better.

longtresses's avatar

Sorry, I was talking about the prison joke.

diavolobella's avatar

@longtresses. Oh, sorry! I missed the joke.

poofandmook's avatar

@longtresses: Okay… while I don’t necessarily have any clever questions, I would definitely say to ask any question you can think of. This is because I’m a connoisseur of dating sites, and something about having a 6-figure salary and being on okcupid doesn’t sit right with me. I’m not sure why. And if nothing else, like others have mentioned, the blacked out Friday nights seems a little weird to me too.

My best advice to you right now is to absolutely quit thinking about how great he sounds or might be, because that’s going to influence you in the wrong direction if you think about it long enough.

xxii's avatar

Agree with @poofandmook. Don’t go with any preconceived notions about how great this guy might be.

longtresses's avatar

That’s what coffee date is for isn’t it… But a guy who works in film and doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke? That alone is odd.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

Are there any questions that are off the table? Why not start with lighthearted ones?

What flowers do you like to receive? You might find out whether or not he knows anything about romance.

What’s your favorite part about visiting a park? You might find out if he takes time to smell the roses, as they say.

Ask him about travel and where’s he’s been. That’ll tell you whether he’s a homebody or an adventurer.

What is he reading? Some famous person once said that if you go home with someone after a date and there are no books in the house, leave.

poofandmook's avatar

@longtresses: Well, right there… you can ask him how he stays away from smoking and drinking in the film industry, with the way it is. Ask him more about the Friday night project thing… what kind of film he does (you would hate to find out he’s in porn, for instance)

wundayatta's avatar

If we had enough hammer and sickles, we could outfit an entire communist revolution, what with all the red flags around here.

Talk to the guy. Don’t have an agenda. Talk to him. Let it go where it goes. It’s not like your whole future depends on this one interview.

So don’t interview him. Date him. His story will come out over time. Maybe you’ll date a few times. Just have fun, as long as being with him is fun.

Having fun doesn’t mean letting down your guard, or not being wary or not keeping yourself safe. You can have fun and set boundaries, too.

If you’re out there interviewing your dates and looking for communists red flags, that’s what you’ll get. You always find what you’re looking for. Want someone you enjoy spending time with? Then look for that.

jca's avatar

I would not be too pushy about the friday night subject, but i would see if the guy answers my phone calls on friday nights. to me, that would be the red flag – is he available at 11:00 pm for the “last phone call?” If you call him at 10 or 11 in the morning, or even earlier if you know he is up that early, does he answer? If you get to know his address, is it ok to pop over unexpectedly (presumably with coffee and donuts or something)? or is he totally unavailable by phone certain times, or his house is totally off limits? if you want to do something on a saturday morning or whatever, is he available, or will he make excuses?

i would ask “where have you travelled to?” and if he was ever married, does he have kids, are his parents alive (all things good to know and easy to ask in casual conversation). this way, if he says his parents are alive but he never takes you to meet them, that could be an issue.

I am the “update lady” and I always ask people to please feel free to post an update if they wish, to let us all know how things went.

i would keep all questions really casual, not pushy, but i would just be on alert for your intuitions.

pr1076's avatar

Ask him about his family. And about his mom see how much he seems to care about her, its at least a good start

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

I agree with those that say do not go into the date with an agenda. A coffee date sounds ideal. It gives you all a proper amount of time to see if there is an attraction on the next level. The conversation should flow, especially since you two already have a rapport with each other.

I’ve gone on blind dates and even one with I guy I met on a dating service site. It is amazing what some men will talk about if you just ask a few questions about them. Ask about hobbies, travel, food and family. That should be enough to get the ball rolling. One other tip: don’t talk about yourself unless he asks. Good luck!

CMaz's avatar

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms.

wundayatta's avatar

@ChazMaz Come on, man! Where’s the youtube link? That’s a classic!

CMaz's avatar

OOOPS…... Sorry…. LOL

Spanish Inquisition

longtresses's avatar

@hawaii_jake Great idea, thank you.
@poofandmook I’m not going to assume anything; internet chatting is hyper-reality anyway. Plus, he can claim to be something but is actually something else entirely.
@wundayatta It’s not like I enjoy fault-finding, but can’t people just be FORTHCOMING with who they really are? If I’m willing to give honesty, why take advantage of me?

wundayatta's avatar

@longtresses Being honest doesn’t mean letting yourself be taken advantage of. You can be honest about yourself, and if he doesn’t reciprocate, you’ve learned something. The trick is learning when a story hangs together and when it doesn’t.

Being honest doesn’t mean making yourself more vulnerable. Or it shouldn’t. In any case, no one should blab everything on the first date. If a person did that, I’d wonder what’s going on with her. That feels like someone who doesn’t know who she is very well.

You can withhold information and still be honest. You can be honest and not be vulnerable. Don’t expect anyone else to disclose anything right from the get-go, either. If someone isn’t forthcoming, that tells you something, too. It’s not clear which something—he has something to hide or he’s shy—so you need more information to go on.

longtresses's avatar

@wundayatta nodding in agreement

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@wundayatta Another nod of agreement.

The internet dating dude I met for a cup of coffee told me how his ex-wife had an affair with her sister’s husband and became pregnant. He and the wife raised the son as their own, and the now teen was not aware of the situation. Why would someone share that with a virtual stranger when their own son doesn’t know the truth?

The blind date with an attractive, successful architect told me that wife #1 was no good in the bedroom and wife #2 hated his daughter. I’ve since learned that he has moved on to wife #3, bless her heart. Gracious!

rovdog's avatar

Friday night thing is not so suspect if he works in film. He may have to work all kinds of crazy hours.

longtresses's avatar

Ok, this is really stupid…

I’m 28 years old. I’m not supposed to be asking this stuff.

He said yes on a coffee date. SUDDENLY I GOT SO NERVOUS. It’s the first date in many, many years.

I mean, this guy? This guy who can’t even remember the city I live?—and I wrote that in a PREVIOUS MESSAGE? He’s not even my type.

I’m VERY RARELY nervous with people!!!!! Why?? Help!!!!

wundayatta's avatar

Give yourself a break. Think of this as practice. In fact, all dating is practice until you meet someone who clicks with you.

How many years has it been? It’s a big deal to you. That’s ok. Pay attention to your body. It is telling you stuff. Let it be the way it is, though. You don’t have to fight it. It’s part of who you are right now. It’s ok.

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