Social Question

kizo's avatar

Should I keep musing about him?

Asked by kizo (29points) November 5th, 2010

I live in Africa (I’m an african) and I met this american white guy when I was 14. He was only visiting the school I was at then. I really liked this guy but then, one of his african friends became interested in me. I really hated it because I wasn’t interested in him at all.
It was obvious the african guy made it known to his pals that he was interested in me because they would tease him whenever I was around(my crush inclusive)!
I think the guy I liked acted nervous when I was around however – he giggled in weird ways for example. Apparently, he seemed to be in such a hurry to make his friend and I a ‘couple’ because whenever he saw me, he’d edge his friend to approach me – it was obvious.
The white guy left after a while and we never ever got to say a word to each other. His african friend, who I rebuffed (politely) got to be just a friend thereafter.
There were times when I caught him staring at me and that, some people say, shows that a guy likes you. The problem is, he never talked to me. It is also said that white guys usually assume black girls wouldn’t be interested so maybe that’s what happened. Still, even if he liked me, there wasn’t much he could really do coz his childhood friend (he had been living in Africa before) was ‘eyeing’ me.
I’m very shy and hardly spend time socialising so I mostly avoided being around these guys.
I’ve googled him and found out a couple of facts about him – he’s about a year older than me and he’s on facebook but I won’t contact him myself coz I don’t know what he thinks/thought of me.
I’m not challenged anyhow – I often get compliments of how beautiful I am. I’m only 5’2” though (he’s 5’10” – if height has got anything to do with this)... I just need to be sure that I’m not wasting my time.
I just turned seventeen and still think of him as my “soulmate” for the sole reason that my heart told me he was the `one` when I first saw him. We’ve never had any form of contact since he left and it hit me that I might just be thinking and fantasizing about someone who has never cared.
Maybe, he speculates that his friend and I got into a relationship and that he has no chance…
I know there are bigger questions like if there’s a possibility that we will ever meet again.
Thanks all

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6 Answers

BarnacleBill's avatar

You haven’t had any contact with him in two years? Unless you have plans to come to university in the United States, you probably will not meet up with him again. Have you thought about friending him on Facebook, and seeing if he remembers you?

It sounds like he has become a romantic ideal. Over time, what you remember about a person is much more perfect than the person really is.

bobbinhood's avatar

It would probably be wisest for you to move on. There is no harm in contacting him via facebook, but you never actually knew him. You have spent the last three years consistently thinking and fantasizing about someone with whom you’ve never even spoken. It is fully possible that you could become great friends if you were to contact him. However, it is far more likely that you have mentally turned him into a person that doesn’t even exist. You have imagined how he would handle certain situations, how he would treat you, what he would find funny, etc., but you don’t actually know anything about him. Even if you had gotten to know him a little, it’s almost guaranteed that he has changed considerably in the last three years. You essentially have a crush on someone that is the product of you imagination and romantic ideals rather than an actual person. I’m not saying it could never work, just that it’s unlikely. It would be very difficult for you to approach him as an actual person and get to know him without being disappointed that he isn’t who you have imagined him to be.

bobbinhood's avatar

Oh! And welcome to Fluther, @kizo. You have found a wonderful community. I hope you decide to stick around.

kizo's avatar

@BarnacleBill & @bobbinhood, you make sense!
It’s all very unlikely.
I sure have envisaged how he’d react to certain things and that was the exciting part!
But then, there are real people I can actually interact with.
Bill, it’s not like I think he’s perfect – I don’t like his face but I didn’t/wouldn’t mind coz I thought I loved him (as in involuntarily).
I’ll get on with my life and just love back the people that actively love me. Besides, it’s not like I need him or any other guy now… Sometimes, I wouldn’t mull over him for over a month!
I’ll stick around!!

bobbinhood's avatar

@kizo I’m glad this makes sense. I agree that it can be exciting to imagine conversations and situations and how someone would react in them, but it certainly would be difficult for him to live up to your imagination (especially if he’s not a mind reader). I hope your real relationships can now receive some of the energy you had been devoting to him. They’re definitely worth it. :)

wundayatta's avatar

I am not clear what you mean by “musing.” I’ll try to answer anyway.

I think it is no big deal to contact him via Facebook. After all, you do know him. Just friend him and maybe write a couple of messages about whether he remembers his time in Africa and what did he think, and maybe about your hopes and dreams and then let it drop. This is not about finding a relationship. It’s about making a friend.

As to love—you’re new to this, so you can’t know yet—don’t take your “soulmate” feelings so seriously. They are largely based on chemicals in your mind. You look, you see something you like, and your mind provides this rush that makes you feel like you’re with Mr. Perfect for you. If you’re like most people, this will happen many times in your life. There are only a few for whom it happens but once.

Your relationships with the people who are physically there are one kind of relationship. They tend to be more rewarding because you can touch each other. Your relationships with people on the internet are virtual relationships. They take place mostly in your mind. You may think you are basing it on a real person, but 90% of what you think is the other person is a story you make up in your mind based on the little you know. Just be aware of that.

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