General Question

littlekori's avatar

How do you know if you are bisexual or not?

Asked by littlekori (676points) December 7th, 2010

How do you know if you are bisexual or not? What if you are unsure?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

36 Answers

Scooby's avatar

Just follow your urges! :-/

MrItty's avatar

If you find yourself sexually and/or romantically attracted to members of both genders, you are. If not, you’re not.

MissAnthrope's avatar

Think about your answers and be honest. Quick checklist:

1 – Do boys make you feel “funny”?

2 – Do girls make you feel “funny”?

3 – Do girls and boys make you feel “funny”?
.....Yes – Go to #4
.....No – Go to #5

4 – You are bisexual.

5 – You are not bisexual.

littlekori's avatar

well what if its like not all the time. like say you only feel that way about a girl sometimes.

JustJessica's avatar

Sometimes we’re just naturally attracted to someone no matter what sex they are, and I personally think that’s totally normal.

I say just go with your gut and why bother labeling your feelings!?

Jeruba's avatar

It’s normal while growing up to have crushes, and some of them might be crushes on members of your own sex. If it passes as you mature, it was just a phase. If it doesn’t, then it is part of who you are. You don’t have to “be” some label just because of every feeling you get while you are still figuring things out.

littlekori's avatar

okay, so say i have a crush or whatever on another girl. what do i do? do i just wait it out and see if itsa phase or do i go for it?

Jude's avatar

@MissAnthrope Girls make me feel “funny”, boys don’t. I find both sexes attractive and enjoy sex with both. What does that make me? ;-)

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@littlekori The thing I regret in life is the times I should have gone for it and didn’t.

littlekori's avatar

i think that the biggest thing for me is, im in high school, so no matter what i will have that label of being bisexual, which i dont have a problem with, but i dont want to have that label if i i only have crush on one girl. what if it is just a phase?

Jeruba's avatar

Go ahead and have your crush. Feeling a certain way about someone does not automatically mean that you have to have sex with them. Having sex should wait until you’re old enough to know what you’re doing.

littlekori's avatar

its not even that. its not that i want to have sex with her. its more just like i want to be with her.

Jeruba's avatar

And that’s not a one-sided decision. It’s up to the two of you.

MissAnthrope's avatar

@mama_cakes – Someone I need to invite to my next orgy?

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

Go for it. Just make sure that you’re upfront and honest with her about how you’re still figuring out your sexuality. Sometimes, you just need to try it to know if you like it, like new food or skydiving.

Jeruba's avatar

@papayalily, I’m not sure I understand why she should have to put it in sexual terms at all. Why couldn’t she just seek the friendship of this girl and spend time with her without making something more of it? She’s a youngster; she’s not looking for a permanent partnership at this point.

I think there is an undercurrent of sexuality in lots of relationships that doesn’t ever have to come to the fore.

littlekori's avatar

@papayalily thats very true.
its hard also because i feel almost like its wrong. even though i know its not. my dad is pretty against the whole thing, from what i can tell by some of his comments. so i feel like it would have to be a secret.

littlekori's avatar

@Jeruba, this girl and i are bestfriends, we spend every moment together. and to be honest, we have made out before but nothing more, and it was more like just as friends when we drink or something. but i started to like it and it seemed like she did too. and then i read on one of her profiles that she was bi, so then i started to question myself.

Fyrius's avatar

Have you heard of the Kinsey Scale?
It seems to me that the question – for you or anyone – is not so much whether you’re bisexual, but to what extent you’re bisexual. It’s a relative sort of thing.

Another – still more sophisticated – way to look at it is that everyone has two sliders, one that says “how much I like boys” and one that says “how much I like girls”. Completely straight and completely gay people have one on 10 and one on 0, asexual people have both on 0, and everyone else has values somewhere in between for either or both.

So rather than “am I bisexual?”, the question you ought to ask yourself is “how much do I like boys, and how much do I like girls?”
It should be easier to answer and the answer would be more helpful.

iamthemob's avatar

I’m going to get a little paternalistic, but take no offense, @littlekori -

- Besides the fact that high school and drinking are a dangerous combo generally, if you’re also drinking with this person who you have these feelings with, is a big part of your life, and have had these interesting encounters with, you do not want to find yourself in a situation where you’re tipsy and slightly out of control around her. You might very well make a bad move, and if not reciprocated could bite you in the ass…and if reciprocated could bite you in the ass. Note – I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it…far from it. I am saying that you don’t sound certain of what you want, and you don’t want to let substances make the decision for you.

- Regardless, if you are uncertain, wait. It doesn’t matter if you’re straight, gay, or all over the map and however old – sexual or intimate relationships with people who are your close friends are a tricky matter. You don’t want to mess up something that is important to you unless you know for sure what you want. Then, revisit the issue.

- As to the sexuality issue in general – just relax. It’s the most natural thing in the world, and as long as you realize that, and that there’s 0 shame in it, you don’t have to ask anyone else how to tell what you want. You’re gonna get it. And if you keep people around you who are honest too, you’re gonna find other people who are going to be able to respect you figuring it out, and even help you to do it without you having to ask them anything. High school is a lot of trying to figure yourself out, but if you force the issue, you can make rash choices that backfire. No one knows you better than you. Yeah, sometimes it feels like the opposite – but it’s true.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@Jeruba You don’t hold hands or hug for a really long time with friends, now do ya?

absalom's avatar

An important point is that sexuality is fluid, like @Fyrius has said, and really not a big deal at all. I kind of ran the gamut from straight to gay during middle school. Perhaps I will change again in the future.

I had a best friend in high school with whom I did some arguably pretty gay stuff, although it was never overt. The actual nature of the relationship never went beyond a ‘friends-who-are-really-physically-comfortable-with-each-other-and-occasionally-touch-each-other-inappropriately’ kind of thing. Which is something I deeply regret because I am convinced today that I loved him.

And yet while my advice to myself three years ago would be to pursue, I can’t say I’d give the same advice to you. (I am more cautious with my advice to other people.) It is probably better just to wait and deliberate for a bit, to maybe experiment with fantasies or something before approaching this girl.

I think you should already be sure of who you are when you enter into a relationship.

Maybe making out is the extent to which you can enjoy sexual contact with another girl, or maybe you might enjoy more, or maybe you aren’t even interested in finding out yet, but the last thing you want to due is rush toward a relationship just for the sake of discovering whether you’re bisexual or not – not that I’m implying you are, but it’s just a warning. In a way that would sort of cheapen the relationship, even if it’s totally mutual and reciprocated and enjoyable, etc.

Jeruba's avatar

@papayalily, no, of course not. But the information that they’re already close friends and have been making out came along after I posted my response. I thought her question “do i just wait it out and see if its a phase or do i go for it?” meant that this was someone she was attracted to and she was asking whether to try to get to know her.

littlekori's avatar

@iamthemob, well the whole drinking thing, thats when we started doing it and now it will happen sometimes when we are with friends and what not, sobre. i dont let acohol control anything. just saying.but thank you for the respone(: it made me think.

iamthemob's avatar

@littlekoriNobody lets alcohol control anything for the most part. I certainly don’t.

But trust me, it finds a way to take control itself. And I’m not preaching about sobriety or abstinence or whatever – what I’m saying is even tipsy people do lots of crazy stuff that they regret in the end.

Lord, there is more than one night that I wish I could take back, that’s for sure.

And you’re more than welcome, and I’m glad. Thinking about it all is important. Again, just don’t expect to get an answer. Most of us settle down with the questions that are open. I can pretty much say that I have met a lot of people who have it together – but I haven’t met one that has it figured out.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

It doesn’t matter if it’s just one girl and just sometimes – you choose how you identify in terms of your sexuality. If you are straight with occasional experiences with same-sex partners, you can still consider yourself straight. No one has to force you to choose a label. To me, if you felt ‘funny’ around a girl more than once, you’re probably bi in one way or another and it’s all good.

iLove's avatar

When I was in high school, I had a similar situation. Now looking back 20 years later as a firmly committed bisexual, I realize there were other signs. Do you have celebrities that you like that are female? For me, I idolized Cindy Crawford. I didn’t realize that all the posters on my wall pointed to “playing for both teams”.

I think the issue here is the stigma attached to being anything other than straight. It tends to go with the territory at that age. Unless your parents are open minded, it will be difficult for you to accept that you are questioning your sexuality, because you were never given an option.

The object of my affection in high school was also my best friend. But what I did was CONFIDE in her, and guess what! She supported me. She gently told me she did not feel the same way, but was very supportive in listening to me and kept being my best friend! It’s a tricky thing though, being in high school. Don’t run and tell her unless you feel she can be trusted to not judge you.

The main thing is, love yourself. You are ok, no matter what sex you prefer or even if you choose both. We are getting more progressive as a society so hopefully you won’t experience the issues some of us did 20 years ago exploring our sexuality. That also largely depends on where you live.

Good luck!

HearTheSilence's avatar

like @iLove, I had questions when I was in high school as well, but unlike her I am not bisexual. I grew up a tomboy and still live as a tomboy, talk like a sailor and rarely apologize for my language. I’ve been told numerous times that my approach towards sex is like a man’s approach (I treat them like pieces of meat), the way I talk about certain things is like a man as well—that’s just me, but it doesn’t define my sexuality.

I’ve had a girl crush on Michelle Rodriguez since high school and that’s what made me confused. My best friend put it to me the best way, ”You know how lesbians have sex, would you ever be able to do it, full on go through with it? That’s how you’ll know.” So I thought about it, had an honest conversation with myself and came to the conclusion that I couldn’t. I don’t think I could even make out with Michelle Rodriguez, even though I think she’s hot and cool as hell—well the characters she plays are always bad ass chicks and I admire that. And that’s when it came to me, it was an admiration for her, I wanted to be like her—she gave us tomboys a good name! But my attraction to her was not sexual.

My point here is that just because you find yourself attracted to one girl, and you’ve made out before, doesn’t mean or make you bisexual/gay unless you look at other girls and think I wouldn’t mind being with her. Then you’d be leaning more towards the bisexual side.

MissAnthrope's avatar

@HearTheSilence – GA.. but, as someone who went through the coming out process and ended up on the other side of the fence, I was seriously freaked. out. about having sex with girls. My journal from that time is very angsty and confused. I remember one entry saying, “Well, I’m pretty sure I’m attracted to girls, but I could NEVER EVER imagine myself having sex with one, and I think it’s really gross, so I’m probably not gay.”

Well….. that turned out to not be so true. :P

There was a lot of fear for me regarding anything exploring my feelings for girls. It wasn’t until I was 17 or 18 that I finally was willing to admit it was a permanent thing and to test the waters by trying on “bisexual”, and being open to something happening. I didn’t even kiss another girl until I was 20, but by that time, one of my best friends and I had started to fall in love with each other, so things started to fall into place. Even though I was in love with her, and she turned me on, and we held hands and I really wanted to kiss her, I was petrified.

I think you’ve been given some great advice here, so I won’t bother rehashing. To know whether you’re bisexual or not takes self-awareness, open-mindedness, and courage. There’s no need to rush into anything, and , in fact, I recommend NOT doing that. Give yourself some time, feel your feelings, ask yourself how you’d feel in different situations.. I’m sure it’ll fall into place for you, too.

littlekori's avatar

Thank you everybody for your advice. It really helped(: And I greatly appreciate it!

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@littlekori I just got my eyes fully opened by the sexuality choices question. Whatever you do, just stay strong and don’t get down on yourself for any reason, like some of the kids that have been in the news for doing themselves in. Keep a support net of some type around you. Good luck.

littlekori's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe, I will.(: Thank you so much!

mattbrowne's avatar

Observing arousal.

Ajulutsikael's avatar

Go based on who you are attracted to. If you are attracted to both sexes then there you go.

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