General Question

stevestl's avatar

(NSFW) I want to have sex, but I can't, could you please help?

Asked by stevestl (48points) December 7th, 2010 from iPhone

Ok, so here’s the story… I’m a white person with an accent. I’m fat, speak with accent (foreigner). And no girl wants to get closer to me. I’m a nice guy (so I was told). So where does the problem lie?

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110 Answers

augustlan's avatar

How old are you? Have you ever had a girlfriend? I only ask because it might help us in answering your question.

The_Inquisitor's avatar

I don’t really see a problem with what you’ve told us so far.. but since you included that you’re “fat”, that must show that you’re somewhat insecure about that?.. What kind of accent? Having an accent and being fat means nothing.

Maybe the way you approach females makes them uncomfortable. (AKA, your first question about facebook, and random messaging)

ZAGWRITER's avatar

Well, the nice guy and fat thing, unfortunately, are deal breakers right away. Unless you are rich. The nice guy thing seems to put off a lot of women I have been in contact with (going to school, job, etc.) and being fat unfortunately will be a deal breaker for so many people.

I think @curiouscat is right about the way you approach females. Insecurity is something that can be seen and felt in a room. The vibe one gives off might as well be neon. It’s interesting to people watch at a party and notice the body language on display.

snowberry's avatar

If your goal is to have sex, go find a prostitute. If you want a relationship, you are going to have to be a person someone would want to spend time with. You have not given us any details regarding your positive qualities (just having genitals does not qualify). Furthermore, you are not the only “fat” person out there, and plenty of them are married to boot. Lots of them even get married while they are fat, so that comment does not apply either, unless you are so heavy you cannot even have a social life, in which case having sex might be life threatening anyway.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

Are you looking for sex or love? They’re two different things.

@ZAGWRITER There’s nothing wrong with being a guy who is nice. There’s something wrong with being a Nice Guy.

stevestl's avatar

@augustlan I’m 22 and I had 1 girlfriend without sex…

stevestl's avatar

@papayalily @snowberry @ZAGWRITER @curiouscat @augustlan I’m bar 240 pounds and I have thick voice with middle-eastern accent. plz no offense, it’s not my fail that i was born middle-eastern…

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@stevestl I wouldn’t hold your birth-place against you. Do you really want to have sex with a woman who would?

Afos22's avatar

Maybe you’re fat and you’re too nice.

augustlan's avatar

Ok, so we’ve determined that you can attract a female, since you have had a girlfriend. So, that’s good.

My best advice if you’re looking for a relationship: Join clubs, events, activities, volunteer… anything that genuinely interests you. You’ll meet loads of like-minded people, and get to know them naturally. Continue to be yourself, and eventually you’ll meet the girl for you.

Since you’re of legal age, my best advice if you just want to have sex: Hire a professional and get it over with. :)

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ZAGWRITER's avatar

Never mentioned the Nationality, dude. Not one of us.

Let’s face it, being fat sucks for dating. That is, if all the participants are after is sex and eye candy. Humans are geared for looks first. I think you need to make a lot of friendships with the opposite sex, so you are comfortable in dealing with them, then worry about the sex later.

Of course, I think @augustlan is on to something. Getting that first time knocked out right away might be key. So head to Vegas and the Bunny Ranch or something. Problem solved.
That is, if it is convenient for you. Good luck with this.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@stevestl I mean, if you’re looking for more out of sex than just orgasming in a woman’s vagina, then why would you want to have sex with a woman who holds you to blame for something you have no control over? She doesn’t respect you or have an interest in taking you as you are, so why waste any time on her? Find a woman who either doesn’t care about your birthplace or actively embraces it as part of who you are.
Or, if you’re just looking for sex, time to get a prostitute. In the mean time, masturbate more.

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stevestl's avatar

@papayalily @ZAGWRITER @augustlan @Afos22 @snowberry @curiouscat
I did hire a professional prostitute but I couldn’t orgasm. I was not satisfied at all we took 45 minutes. She was a slim beautiful blonde girl 22 years..

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@stevestl Physically, were you attracted to her? Are you normally attracted to slim blond women? If so, you might need to find someone that you are attracted to emotionally as well.

ZAGWRITER's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies that doesn’t seem very helpful.

@stevestl , OMG. Were you sheltered growing up? Maybe that has contributed to insecurity issues with girls. It did to a degree with me. I sometimes thin that I happened to get married as a stroke of luck.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@stevestl I mean find a girl you want to be friends with as well, a girl whose company you enjoy, a girl who makes you happy just holding hands.

stevestl's avatar

@papayalily I did but she’s not attracted to me not interested I think ..

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@stevestl Then it’s time to move on. There are tons of fish in the sea.

jlelandg's avatar

Exercise…and don’t worry about your accent, American chicks dig accents…just talk deeply and sweet.

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snowberry's avatar

I have seen a lot of fat women marry fat men. I think there’s something to that. Maybe if you found a woman on the heavy side, it might work for you too.

ZAGWRITER's avatar

I think you might be over thinking this and analyzing it to death, judging on your responses here. You are making it harder than it has to be. Just relax. Perhaps, if this continues (especially with incidents like the aforementioned prostitute,) you might want to see a shrink to help you relax. Or a good oriental massage parlor.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@stevestl How can I possibly tell you that? I don’t know you at all.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@stevestl Oh yeah, of course I’d do it with you.

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The_Inquisitor's avatar

@stevestl; I agree with papayalily’s answer..

Anyways, I still believe that being fat shouldn’t matter. I’ve had crushes on fat guys, and I didn’t even think about their weight much. Seriously, you need to have more confidence.

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snowberry's avatar

Unfortunately @stevesti, This is what happens when you ask a question like this on a social networking site. Some folks are here to try to help, while others are here to have a good time. You did get some answers that were sincere.

Another thing is that since you didn’t give us a picture of yourself, we have to use our imaginations to help you. The quip about getting a hair transplant might be good advice for a bald guy.

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RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

“Seriously, would any of you do it with me?”

For how much money?

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RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Take dancing lessons… specifically Salsa.

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augustlan's avatar

[mod says] Please remember: This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic. Stop derailing the thread.

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stevestl's avatar

@curiouscat I thought you’d be on my side and help me… Thank you :(

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RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Learn how to talk dirty… chicks love nasty talk.

augustlan's avatar

[mod says] @RealEyesRealizeRealLies and @stevestl Please check your PMs, right now.

The_Inquisitor's avatar

@stevestl; I haven’t said anything that went against you!

I sincerely was trying to help. Just make more friends. Don’t search for a mate…one day when you’re not looking, maybe that’s when someone will find you.

FutureMemory's avatar

You just need to get out more and meet more people. There’s someone for everyone. The fattest ugliest people fall in love and get married just like everybody else. As someone stated above, work on your self-confidence. Insecurity is not sexy. Confidence is.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

It’s not anything to do with being fat my friend. You need confidence and a gleam in your eye… That begins with what @FutureMemory suggests… “get out more and meet more people”

Fear not failure! Just Go Dog Go!

snowberry's avatar

Personally I find the idea of sex outside of marriage abhorrent.

But that has not kept me from commenting here. I have been married 33 years, and we have found that love is a commitment. It will not be found through a physical relationship alone. In our experience, sex is important, but it’s not the deal breaker if everything else works.

Sometimes you can drive people away if you are trying too hard (looking desperate never did win anyone any points). Also, what’s wrong with the girl you are with right now? Is she interested in you as a potential mate? Lots of girls still want to wait until marriage until sex (yes folks, they really do exist).

stevestl's avatar

How?? I wasn’t taught the principles…

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@stevestl The principles of what?

stevestl's avatar

The principles of building a relationship and approaching the opposite sex.

The_Inquisitor's avatar

@snowberry; I agree with you! GA!

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MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@stevestl Well, neither were quite a lot of us.

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stevestl's avatar

Thank you all, you made my night.

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MissAnthrope's avatar

Okay, true story. I’m overweight, too. I have a friend named AJ who is quite a big guy. He’s tall and, well, fat. Not a skinny guy in the least. AJ also is the nicest, most sensitive guy I’ve ever met. He also has loads of mojo – why? Because he has confidence.

So, I’m overweight and am shy and lack confidence. I’m single a lot.

AJ is overweight and has good self-esteem and self-confidence and guess what? Girls freaking love him. I’m not kidding. He is and has been for years my love guru and relationship coach.

Confidence is key. Work on that and work on liking yourself, or you’re going to struggle to convince people you’re worth liking.

jlelandg's avatar

helpful, helpful…@stevestl Would I have sex with you? NO! This attempt is not likely to get you laid by a fluther female, much less me-a dude. Go take people’s advice. After all, we are “experts”. Alot of these answers are good. If your goal is to get laid make short term goals to help you reach your long term goal. Some good short term goals would include: exercise (like I said before), get involved with other people in activities, and finally break out of your shy stage. Other goals could include do things to make yourself feel accomplished.

personal story: I have always been a bit shy…but I started challenging myself speak out more…this one time I told this one Thai chick that she was so beautiful-because she was. Did it get me laid? ABSOLUTELY NOT…but I did feel more confident after doing things like that.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@MissAnthrope Indeed. I have no problem sleeping with a large guy or gal – but I have no interest in sleeping with someone who’s going to need reassurance every 2 seconds since i have my own damn shit to deal with. And the ability to make me laugh will almost definitely get you laid. Seriously, comedians have magic powers over my panties.

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spykenij's avatar

I think you need to flirt a little to kind of feel out the ground before going any further. It will allow you to feel good by saying something flattering and if the girl doesn’t take it well, then that one wasn’t one you want to be with anyway. Dress comfortable, be confident, smell good and be sensitive. Make sure you can engage in a conversation with someone at first because the wait or the chase is a huge part of the fun and the worst that could happen would be either – someone will flirt back, letting you know it’s ok to take another flirtatious baby step their way OR they will be a bitch and you don’t want one because bitches don’t have sex, which is why they are bitches to begin with most times.

Now with flirting and flattery, make sure you are NOT vulgar. Women repellant is saying all kinds of filthy shit, especially in the beginning. Wait for later to get into that crap. Be suave, leave a little mystery about yourself, so hold back a little at first when it comes to talking about you. This means, you need to listen and respond to what she’s saying and try like hell to remember details, so she knows you listened. Flirting and flattery would be like, “Hello Sweets, you’re looking awfully pretty today.” OR something to play off the connection between you and some girl before you lose eye contact. Hell…sometimes even a wink is good enough.

If all you’re after is sex, go to a bar and eventually it will happen. If you can’t climax with a woman, make sure you can make yourself climax, so you can learn about what you like in the bedroom because not all girls know what they’re doing, so help guide. Once you climax, you know what to expect. Also, I would unload before any date, just so your brain can float back up to your head for long enough to go on a date. Approach women, ask them out, be bold and blunt. Be careful though, you don’t want to be charged with sexual harrassment, so one no means forget her and on to the next one. If you can make a girl laugh, you’ve got gold. Once she laughs, keep engaging and tickle her brain. Eventually, you will get somewhere. There is no magic pill, no super move, nothing to make this happen for you, except for you being comfortable in your situation. You gotta do what’s attractive to them and never be a sleezy, vulgar, overbearing man. I swear by confidence. Once you start to focus on you and like yourself, others will too. Every time you stop looking for love, that’s when you end up finding it.

Jwtd's avatar

I’m assuming you want to have sex with a stranger.
Nobody wants to have sex with you when you meet them unless you are Brad Pitt. You have to first get them to open up, so engage in conversation. You can’t force it, you just have to work on your magnetism to create opportunities. Get confident with yourself, stop giving a damn about how you look in the mirror (naked) but please look after yourself so that it shows that you care about your image when you present yourself. Hang out with friends, go out, have a drink forget about sex. And maybe you’ll get a chance to have a conversation with a stranger that’s mildly attracted to you. If you make a good enough impression and make them happy you will get your chance for more… Make sure you let them know that you think they’re attractive, but don’t let yourself go either. Keep your character and be hard to get as well. Just because you find someone attractive doesn’t mean you should be banging them. Give them a chance to find out why you’re being nice to them, forget about sex or a moment.
You gotta stop thinking that there is a magic button for it, and give gels a chance to get to know you, the you that isn’t interested in sex!

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Neizvestnaya's avatar

Look around at other men you think are as heavy as you and watch/listen to the ones who get female interest. Is there something about their posture that strikes you as confident or comfortable? What about their grooming habits? Fat guys need to keep clean nails, teeth and hair just like any man and there’s no need to give up on looking at attractive clothes in order to hide size under huge tent t-shirts and dragging ass pants.

One of my best friends and one time brother-in-law was heavy since childhood, he often topped 250lbs but he always looked clean, sharp and wasn’t shy about appreciating women- they seemed to come out of the woodwork for him. Your accent isn’t any big deal at all, most people like accents that are different from their own, consider it an asset from now on.

ucme's avatar

Well this was a train wreck. In answer to your question…“where does the problem lie?” Self esteem issues dominate your landscape. Love yourself first man, love yourself!

BoBo1946's avatar

It’s not about your looks… it’s about how you threat a lady. Besides, I think this person is “yanking our chain!”

FutureMemory's avatar

@BoBo1946 How you threat a lady??!

BoBo1946's avatar

like a lady!

Kayak8's avatar

@BoBo1946 I think you mean “how you TREAT a lady”!

@stevestl The accent and weight are not deal-breakers, but the attitude is. I would likely guess you are young as your question and comments seem to lack maturity which could smack as lack of confidence as others mentioned above. The comment asking Flutherites if they would have sex with you sounds like trolling or inclines me to think you are a 15 year old boy.

If you are serious in your question, my serious response is that you might consider therapy to work out your self-confidence issues and help you determine what you really want out of a relationship/sexual liaison. Further, a many therapists can also help you work on your sexual dysfunction (that you mentioned above). Therapists also help people work through the issues that inspire people to gain weight or prevent them from losing weight.

The accent thing could work for you or against you. Many women like accents but they have to be able to understand what you are saying. If English is not your native language, there are a number of ESL courses in most areas to help you work on communication.

The other possibility about your being from the Middle East is that women may make assumptions about how you treat women. Many Western women have a number of ideas of how Middle Eastern men treat women (they are not good images), so you may have that to overcome as well. You would do that through demonstrating respect for women (which doesn’t focus on having sex with them, but rather getting to a woman as a person and showing her, through your behavior, that you are respectful and see her as a person rather than chattel).

Jude's avatar

“The comment asking Flutherites if they would have sex with you sounds like trolling or inclines me to think you are a 15 year old boy.”

I agree. Or someone who incredibly insecure.

It all comes down to confidence. I don’t have a problem with thick guys, and I find thick women attractive, as well. Good self esteem, a great sense of humor, not coming off as desperate; chicks will dig it, even if you’re a heavy dude.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

If you think girls are not attracted to you because you’re fat, then quit whining about not getting any sex and do something about it. Exercise and diet.

Your accent likely has nothing to do with it; many women think accents are sexy.

You may also need to change your attitude. Asking strange people on a website if they “want to do it with you” is very un-sexy. Especially coming from a 22 year old.

If all you want is sex, rent a porn and use your hand. If you want a meaningful relationship with satisfying lovemaking, you have to work for it.

BoBo1946's avatar

@Kayak8 I meant what i said.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Yeah I get it BoBo… When I want to “threat” a woman… I cook for her. Watching them run for the hills leaves more for me and my doggy.

deni's avatar

Most accents make me (and a lot of women, I think) weak in the knees. So that’s a one up right there! And honestly unless you want to date a shallow bitch then you shouldn’t worry about being fat either. I guess how fat matters….not many people want to have sex with that 1000 pound woman who’s skin grew into her couch, I don’t think. But that is an extreme. Anyhow, if you’re nice, that’s what matters. If you want a girlfriend to have sex with, then you shouldn’t approach the situation thinking all you want is sex. That won’t help. Get to know someone first. Then go from there.

pearls's avatar

@BoBo1946 I don’t think you realize that you made a typo. You typed “threat” instead of “treat.” It’s no big deal to me because I knew what you meant. I have done the same thing.

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klutzaroo's avatar

If all you want is sex, sign up for adultfriendfinder.com. Then you’ll be able to find other like-minded adults.

BoBo1946's avatar

thank you… we all have our moments!

rooeytoo's avatar

When I read the question my first thought was written out by @snowberry. GA and I agree.

Kayak8's avatar

@BoBo1946 You MEANT to say “threat women?”

cak's avatar

I’m petite, my husband is not. In fact, he’s a bit bigger than your description. One thing that attracted me to him right away, confidence. I know he’s not what society deems as a “normal” size, but I don’t care. I’m wondering if maybe it’s your confidence.

Get out there and meet people, just be yourself and be confident.

@augustlan might be on to something!

spykenij's avatar

Collarme.com/ is not spam! If he wants to get rocks off, this will lead him directly to it. C’mon, I worked in an adult store and this stuff is underground, but reality.

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ryan9305's avatar

@stevestl Hey man I am 23 and about 230 pounds and have had a very, very healthy sex life since i was 17. Its all about confidence man.Here is a few things that might help boost that. For one, 240 pounds is not that big in america for a male. And being a nice guy is not that bad either, I am a nice guy and treat women with the upmost respect and respect their boundaries. But they always want to go home from the bar with me it seems like. Its because of my confidence. Find your strenghts and the positive things about you. If you read or write novels or books in genral use that to your advantage. Or anything that you are knowlegable about or any talents you have. Playing darts or pool, singing, etc. Don’t let the accent hold you back cause i have a couple friends that are middle eastern and have thick accents as well and they take girls home on a regular basis. Just find what you are good at and stick around people that are into the same things as you and you will find somebody. And if you feel like your fat (which you really are not that big according to americas standards and the rest of people here) than hit the gym or do a half hour of bodyweight exercises in your house evey morning before work. Eat better foods with less fat and the pounds will come off. Good luck man.

choreplay's avatar

Purchase a copy of “The Art of Approaching Women” Its the type of stuff the movie “Hitch” was based on. If you take any advice on this question. Order this Online Book. OMG is sound like an advertisement. Have you seen the movie Hitch? If not you need to.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@Season_of_Fall Isn’t he a pick-up artist? Shouldn’t we be staying away from teaching men to be misogynist and creepy in their attempts to get laid?

ryan9305's avatar

@papayalily No Will Smith in Hitch was not pick up artist. He gave men the toos that they needed to even be able to approach the woman that they were to scared to approach. He took men that did not have any confidence and gave them confidence. And he did it for them to be able to make a relationship out of it not a one night stand. Any relationship you look at comes from that initial meeting of the two people. And no matter what people say, first impressions DO last forever. Hitch was like the modern day cupid.

choreplay's avatar

@papayalily, If this book has tools that can be used in a respcectful way is that bad. Some men use them in disrespectful ways yes. But understanding body langauge that lets you know if a girl is interested in being approached is a good think. Understanding the body langauge to know if a women is interested in being kissed is valuable for both sexes if used respectfully, dont you think.

choreplay's avatar

The book teaches about confidence and original approaches, it explains the importance of small talk and how to talk about what is common.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@ryan9305 Wasn’t talking about Hitch.

choreplay's avatar

@Papayalily, Have you ever read any of this or are you given a judgement from a distance. What is your understanding or experience with this author or avenue of literature?

BeeVomit's avatar

I earned the name “Mac Daddy” early in college for the number of girls I was able to relate to. I was 350 pounds, give or take. I’m now about 320. I’ve been over my issues with weight for several years now. For me, relationships happen rather suddenly. They can pop right into life at any moment, so I must be prepared. The key is getting to know women and letting them come to you. You will need to know how to speak to them like a decent human being, get over being shy for the most part, but don’t get cocky and act out like an ass. Another thing, if you’re interested in finding the right mate, you can’t be thinking about only sex. Except for that, you’ve got everything you need for the job.

If you don’t believe me, just think of what you’re doing here. Gathering information, asking questions, exposing yourself (not that way). It’s a step in the right direction. Some hints I’d pass on to you, one big guy to another: Don’t wear cheap cologne. Instead, switch to clean and wholesome (organic?) bath products that smell nice but not too strong. Brush your hair with water instead of gel or mousse. Keep your nose clean and stay out of the way of drugs. Get good grades, but don’t try too hard. Save time for fun after chores are done.

Take up some mild sport like hiking (or walking up hills). It helps much more than outside relationships; if you’re working on feeling good, you’re bound to feel good. If you’re depressed (common enough) try St. John’s Wort tea or Rhodeola Rosea. Both are good for making the right chemicals do their job in your body and mind. (A bit more personal) If you masturbate frequently, try stopping for a while. Your body will exude stronger attracting hormones. Finally, if you go about life with an open mind, strong heart, and confidence in your self, you won’t fail to succeed. A lot of what happens to us in life is based in our attitudes and perceptions. If you keep yours clear and confident, good things are certain to come your way.

Good luck, buddy.

saint's avatar

Make sure you don’t smell funny, and that your teeth are clean and your breath does not stink. Those are fundamentals. As others have said, money never hurts. Fat is a negative for some people. Nothing wrong with being a nice guy. Not the same thing as a push-over.

AshlynM's avatar

Some women focus only on good looks. Which is sad, really.

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