General Question

Flutheruser's avatar

Should I attend the memorial of ex-girlfriends mother?

Asked by Flutheruser (10points) December 29th, 2010

I was with my current ex-girlfriend for about 2 years. The breakup was bad, but I had to do it because I discovered I wasn’t ready to commit, but she understood.

Her family loved me, and I befriended them as well, although her mother had ALS. We have been apart for about 2 months and she just contacted me to inform me that her mother finally passed away.

She said she does not care if I go or not (to the wake, I mean), but I haven’t been in this situation before so I don’t know what to do: I want to pay my respects and see her mother one last time, although I’m not sure if this will be seen as leading my ex on to potentially get back together or something. She still really loves me and I don’t want to hurt her again while she is healing. Should I go?

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31 Answers

Not_the_CIA's avatar

I would, just be honest.

Judi's avatar

If there is a service, go to that, but not the wake.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

You should go for yourself and also to lend whatever support to your ex if you still think wanting her as a friend in your future. Be honest and be careful with words and gestures.

caleb's avatar

i would just go and be honest with her saying that your not ready for a commited relation ship with her

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I think you should do whatever will be less painful for your ex – regardless of the kind of relationship you had with her mom. She cared about you, and I’m sure you cared about her – but first and foremost, this was your exe’s mother – so no matter what you decide to do, keep that in mind.

If your ex would be more upset that you didn’t go, go. If your ex would be more upset that you do go, don’t. Keep in mind that the dead are dead. You can’t pay respects to those who aren’t alive… The only respect you can pay are to those still living, who are directly involved.

wundayatta's avatar

You’re there to respect her mother. You’re there to offer her support in her grief. You are not there to get back together with her. As long as you understand this and don’t send mixed signals, you’ll be fine.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

When it comes to death, relationship mind games should go away. I had my ex-husband and his current partner attend my father’s funeral. At that point we haven’t been together in years.

BarnacleBill's avatar

I would go to the visitation at the funeral home, out of respect for the family and the friendship they extended to you. It’s not about your relationship with your ex; it’s about a woman who was nice to you dying.

submariner's avatar

I agree with DD—funerals are for the benefit of the living, not the dead. Make your decision accordingly.

Blackberry's avatar

Thank you, everyone. There are no mind games on my end to worry about. I just wanted to go to offer support to her dad and her, but I just didn’t know if there were rules to this kind of thing.

Blackberry's avatar

Oh shit…...cats outta the bag now…. : (

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Blackberry Omg, lol – it’s okay dude (hug)

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I should make clear: If you loved her mother, if you are suffering a true loss, by all means, go. But if you aren’t too down about it and it didn’t affect you that badly, I don’t see the point in you going if all it’s going to do is upset your ex. Again, that’s IF you don’t feel a true loss. I say this because, again, her mother isn’t alive anymore. You can’t say “thank you” to someone who is dead. I mean, you can, emotionally – but not literally.

I just think that the daughter’s feelings should matter more in a case like this, since it was her mother. In all honesty, I think you should ask your ex about it if you really do want to go. If you feel that some part of you needs to, definitely talk to her about it. State your piece, say that you cared about her mother and leave the conversation there. Don’t let it stray into different territory. If your ex ends up saying – for whatever reason – that she would prefer you don’t go, then I think that should be respected. Because in the end, her mom is dead no matter what.

Also: @Blackberry That’s kinda funny. ;)

anartist's avatar

She contacted you to let you know of her mom’s passing before the wake.
That is an invite. Her mom knew you and liked you. Honor her.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@anartist His ex is also A) still in love with him and B) extremely vulnerable right now.

I’m not against anything here, no matter the outcome. I just think he should at least talk to her about it first. Hope this isn’t coming off as harsh, I’m only genuinely trying to help. I think everyone gave good advice.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@anartist‘s advice is perfect.:)

DrasticDreamer's avatar

And maybe she sees this as a way to get back together. I would talk to her first, even if you go. It could further complicate things. And at a time like this, she might not be thinking right, even if she did invite you. Dunno… Do whatcha do. Good luck.

skfinkel's avatar

She called you to let you know about her loss, and it would make sense if you are comfortable to attend the funeral. Your ex-girlfriend would probably appreciate your company.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Yes, you should go. It’s the kindest thing you can do. I would send some flowers as well, if that’s appropriate.

Meego's avatar

I think the same thing @anartist said. She called and told you about it I think that’s an invite. Just make sure you are not clingy. Go with the goal in mind to pay respects to a lady who you loved and had a friendship with, this way you can also give yourself a small bit of closure.

Response moderated (Spam)
DrasticDreamer's avatar

^^^ Wow. That’s really inappropriate considering the content of the question. SIGH.

Oh boy, Fluther. Where the hell are you headed?

JLeslie's avatar

I completely agree with @DrasticDreamer. If you choose not to go, you can still send a card with your condolensces and/or send flowers if it is appropriate in her religion, or whatever you think might be helpful, but not intrusive.

I don’t think you would be leading her on if you do go, but I do think if she is still hung up on you, and is not dating anyone else, she might look for comfort from you, which could stir up sad feelings again about the break-up.

Tough call.

Eggie's avatar

As an act of respect you should do it…its the right thing to do.

Blackberry's avatar

And should I bring anything?

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

I agree with anartist, but if you are worried about sending your ex mixed signals, then send flowers and stay away.

Meego's avatar

I say get a floral arrangment pre-ordered and sent to the funeral home. My husbands funeral did not have many flowers but they were from the least expected people, and that meant the most to me.

JLeslie's avatar

Check to see if flowers are appropriate before yo go sending flowers. I am going to assume the OP probably already had to make a decision, but just so everyone knows, including the OP, flowers are not always customary. Most people would understand that you are trying to be thoughful, but for instance Jews do not use flowers when someone dies, maybe other religions don’t either.

Meego's avatar

Shouldn’t you know the customs of your ex if you were with them for 2 or more years? I don’t think the issue is he doesn’t know the people so he doesn’t know what to bring but much more an issue of appropriate for what point their relationship is at at this time in life.

JLeslie's avatar

@Meego Are you talking to me? Or, everyone else who is suggesting flowers? And, if they are different religions, and no one died while they dated, the boyfriend could easily not know traditions around death and dying of the girlfriend’s family.

Meego's avatar

@JLeslie I’m just making a statement. I mean how can us who don’t even know the family know any better than someone that should know them? That part just makes me wonder.

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