Social Question

eyemadreamer's avatar

Should I wait to ask, or just go with the flow in this relationship?

Asked by eyemadreamer (252points) February 13th, 2011

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of almost two years. Two days ago in fact. At first I thought it was a good idea, but now I am greatly regretting it.

We talked the other day in person, and apologized for some things, and admitted our wrongs (nothing like being unfaithful, etc).

It was left on good terms, and he said he would have to think. I suggested that he came over today, to help me eat some of my chocolate and he agreed to come ‘if i wanted him to’.

I have now not spoken to him since Saturday, as a way to let him have his space.. (and mine too, as this was a part which caused the breaking up.. the fact that I wanted space!)

So, what I am wondering is – should I send a message in the afternoon when I know he is finished with work, and confirm the time he wants to come, or just wait for him to suggest it? I think if I don’t ask he may start to think maybe I don’t want to see him – but I don’t want to look too excited. He has never been one to bail on anything, and has never not shown up… but now that the circumstances are different I am not too sure how to deal with the whole thing.

Any suggestions regarding the best thing to do would be appreciated! I don’t want to be stressed out about this all day if I can avoid it! Thanks.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

20 Answers

everephebe's avatar

Um, if you want a relationship I’d say, “SAY something to him.” Don’t play games. Tell him you want him to come over.

bradman70's avatar

Your best bet is to let him put forth the effort to come to you. if he doesnt make an effort to come help you “eat some of you chocolate” on valentines day, maybe breaking up with him wasnt such a bad Idea. I dont know the whole story in your relationship so its easier for me to say being an outsider. Or you could email him when he gets out of work and ask him if he is till cominng over or not and kinda make it sound like you have somewhere else to be otherwise.

flutherother's avatar

You broke up with him originally so I think you should reassure him by sending the text. Have a great Valentine’s Day!

eyemadreamer's avatar

@flutherother It was basically “mutual”, but it was my fault that it was instigated. He said he appreciated my apologies.

I am thinking I will wait till the end of the day, and if I have heard nothing by then I will just send something reassuring him that I want to see him today. If he accepts or declines I guess then I will know where things are going!

Have a nice Valentine’s Day too =)

deni's avatar

Well he knows you want him to come. Maybe wait til a few hours after his shift and if he hasn’t said anything, try to confirm it with him then?

eyemadreamer's avatar

I think I will wait to send a message until I get home today, that way at least it won’t be too eager… since it is logical to want to know what you’ll have planned for the night.. who knows maybe I have another date?! =P

Thammuz's avatar

If you want him to come, ask him, if you don’t, don’t.

Disc2021's avatar

One lesson I’ve learned from past experiences is to NEVER end a relationship unless you truly, genuinely mean it without ANY uncertainty, doubt or confusion. This is the most destructive thing you could do to any serious relationship with establishment. In a sense, it’s like pulling an ultimatum that states “You do what I want you to do/change what I want you to change or I’m breaking this commitment and all bets are off”. As soon as you make the assertion, the knot – no matter how strong the relationship was bound together by becomes loose and obscured – eventually to the point where the relationship either becomes entirely undone or a constant battlefield.

This response (and I could be wrong) “I think I will wait to send a message until I get home today, that way at least it won’t be too eager… since it is logical to want to know what you’ll have planned for the night.. who knows maybe I have another date?! =P” makes me think you’re only trying to play a sort of manipulative, antagonistic “Game” with your partner in order to gain control over the situation. Again, in my experiences I’ve found this to be nothing but destructive. What happens when they decide to bite back and spitefully sleep with one of your friends? True story.

If you are truly, “greatly” regretting your decision to end things, why dont you truly and greatly apologize to your “ex” and surprise them with a special dinner (or something of the sorts)? Wouldn’t that be the most logical and most appropriately human thing to do? Why not do something constructive instead of treading on thin ice?

eyemadreamer's avatar

@disc2021 I did profoundly apologize to him, I recognize that I am in the wrong right now. I’ve had a large amount of stress with my studies, and as he has been the closest to me I had wrongly been taking my frustrations out on him.

As soon as all this happened I realized it was a huge mistake. I told him all of this in person the other day. He also admitted he had been ‘annoying’ at times to me also.

Since we talked, I felt like the whole situation improved – but I am just not sure what my next appropriate approach should be.

I don’t want to control him, I just don’t want to do anything to make it worse. Although we broke up, it is still fresh enough to try to repair now. However if nothing materializes today I know it’s best to just leave it alone, no point of trying to keep resurrecting a bad situation.

Maybe it is just best to straight up let him know I definitely want to see him today, so 1) he can do a little less work than I usually make him and 2) I can stop stressing about the situation.

Sorry for the long reply.. I just want to feel like I’m doing the most reasonable and appropriate thing.

I do agree with you that once these ties are broken, it’s difficult to repair. I don’t think there is too much harm in revisiting the scenario after we have both cooled down and mulled it over, after all we do have a lot of time invested in our relationship.

If being open and not over analyzing is the best thing to do in regards to asking him about tonight, I will do it.

BarnacleBill's avatar

This does seem like some sort of game on your part. If you broke up two days ago, and sort of patched it back together, are you really still broken up?

Reverse the situation. What if he broke up with you, you patched it up, and he asked you to come over and eat chocolate. Wouldn’t you want the invitation reiterated with enough time so it didn’t look like he was only issuing the invitation so he wouldn’t be alone on Valentine’s day?

You broke up with him, and you need to be the one to do all the work to put it back together.

eyemadreamer's avatar

@barnaclebill yes that is a good point, I would definitely like that extra bit of reassurance if it was me. Thanks for that insight, I didn’t think about it in that light.

Cruiser's avatar

You broke up with him for a reason. Make your mind up so you don’t mess with his head by second guessing your decision on why you broke up in he first place.

john65pennington's avatar

Men like to be the leader in a relationship. Him needing space, should tell you something. Do not contact him. Let him make the call. As a general rule, men do not like to “chased” by women.

When I was 8 years old, this girl in elementary school, would follow me home each day, even into my house. She would sing this song to me, “Its so nice to have a man around the house”. This girl was a friend to me for life, but not a girlfriend. I did not respect her for following me everywhere. The same applies to you.

Let him make the call.

Supacase's avatar

Send a casual text. It makes me sad to see a relationship going down the drain because each person waits for the other one to make a move.

Coloma's avatar

I’m with @Cruiser

You need to seriously evaluate why you decided on the breakup and not engage in hoovering if you really are just lonely, bored or addicted to the relationship for reasons other than a genuine desire to be with and accept that person as they are.

Everything in life has it’s seasons, and this includes relationships.

Cruiser's avatar

“Everything in life has it’s seasons, and this includes relationships.” So very true @Coloma

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

See, this is why I hate mind games in a relationship and I hate when the other person makes me play them, regardless. Just let him know, he’s a fucktard if he doesn’t respond.

eyemadreamer's avatar

@john65pennington I broke up with him for ‘space’, not so much him. Because of not having any space, and being stressed from other life matters, we had just been constantly bickering over trivial things. He was pretty clingy, but I asked him recently to move out because I was just not coping well with all the extra responsibilities of looking after an apartment with two people… along with my studies. It was just too much, too early I believe. I think the suffocation of having NO space at all, to ALL space was not right… I would love if we could work out the right balance of space for both of us, because he is genuinely a great person.. but I am not sure many young people really cope so well being together 24 hours a day. It just starts siphoning all the allure and fun out of the relationship.

Anyway, thank you all for your input. I went ahead and sent the message, and just told him clearly what I would like to do. He is coming over later, so hopefully we can work out these issues. If not, maybe it is time to accept we are different people. At least I can say I tried though. But thank you again… it was all very helpful. Sometimes it is just hard to see these obvious things from your own perspective.

sinscriven's avatar

You ended the relationship, so the onus is on you to initiate interest if you want it to work. Since one of your reasons for it in the first place was needing space, it’s ridiculous to expect him to chase you.

But you should give yourself time and think about it first. You broke up in what seems to be in a moment of impetuousness. Make sure you really want this and not just letting your feelings of loneliness cloud your judgment.

Answer this question




to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther