Social Question

kb12345's avatar

Why am I being ignored?

Asked by kb12345 (435points) February 27th, 2011

I have been talking to a guy for about 5 months now. We have always have been friends but somewhat reconnected a few months ago. Ever since then we have been talking every single day for 5 months. Texting, on the phone. He would write on my wall all the time and quote funny sayings we would say together. In my eyes it was perfect. He would tell me how he did not want to hurt me like the past guys who have hurt me. He told me I was all his, he told all of his friends about us and they wanted to meet me. He was in another state very far from mine these past few months so I did not get to actually hangout with him. But we still talked and he would always say when I come home it is going to be so perfect since we have waited so long and it will be so special. He told me how he really did not want to be single anymore and wanted to not be a big partier and settle down with me. I waited and kept talking to him for those 5 months since I have always been friends with him before and knew him well. Last Saturday he came home and I picked him up from the airport and it was great. We went to his friends house and he introduced me to them and I thought we were really going to get serious. The next morning we went home and I have not heard from him since. It has been exactly 1 week. I just don’t understand what happened or what caused him to go from talking to me every single day to not talking me at all. I have texted and called him but I got no reply every time. I asked one of his friends who was there the night we hungout and he said all he said about you to us was that he really liked you and was really happy. If someone is so happy why would they walk away from something? I am just very hurt and if he does not like me anymore I need some closure.

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30 Answers

mrrich724's avatar

This might be a dumb question . . . but have you reached out to him? Have you tried calling him/texting him in the past week?

BBSDTfamily's avatar

Did anything strange happen during the night you spent together right after he got back?

blueiiznh's avatar

Guys can be real shits!
Sorry to hear about this.

Dog's avatar

Why he would suddenly do this only he will know.

I would check to be sure that he is okay and has not been in an accident or ill. If I found that he was okay I would take his que and stop contact.

Guesses- cold feet, change of heart, inner conflict. Regardless of the reason if he is not willing to confide in you it leaves you no choice but to move forward.

Sorry he has done this. It is cruel to just walk away.

WasCy's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

Well, he’s a flake. Who knows why flakes act the way they do and make the promises they do and then appear to fall off the face of the Earth. But some do that. (Women as well as men.) And it’s up to you to just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, grieve a bit (because you have suffered “a loss” – even if you don’t yet recognize that you dodged a bullet in the process), and get on with your life.

When I say that you dodged a bullet, imagine if he had let you go on thinking that you were in bliss for even longer, for years, maybe. Imagine if you had started a physical relationship with him and had a permanent reminder, such as a child or, worse, an STD. He’s shown his true colors early enough that you can learn from this and get over it fairly soon.

The lesson I’d take from this: don’t over-commit too soon, or believe in someone else who does, either. You might see a different lesson; it’s up to you.

But let him go and put him behind you.

Kardamom's avatar

The first thing I would want to know is if he is actually, physically OK. Has he been in an accident or something? Have his other friends actually seen or talked to him? You need to find that out first and then we can offer better advise.

chyna's avatar

@blueiiznh is correct. Guys are shits. If he is not sick or in the hospital or going through something horrendus, then just walk away from it. I know it is easier said than done, but if he isn’t willing to talk to you, just think that he has lost someone special, you and there is someone out there that wants you for you, not someone he can have a cyber romance with.

Dog's avatar

Oh and please do not keep torturing yourself, playing back in your mind every moment of your last meeting trying to figure out what you did wrong. Chances are you did nothing.

marinelife's avatar

It turned out that there was not a spark for him.

He has no courage to not communicate with you any further and to just drop you without a word.

Walk away with the idea that you learned a lesson. Long distance relationships aren’t real.

janbb's avatar

This has happened to many others if it’s any consolation. Folks can come on strong and then drop you for no reason. You don’t talk about whether you had sex; maybe there was a physical turn-off? Or maybe he is commitment-phobic? It hurts like hell to go through this but it is not your fault. Be good to yourself.

Dog's avatar

You mention “He told me how he really did not want to be single anymore and wanted to not be a big partier and settle down with me.”

He sounds like he is struggling with demons and possibly even addiction issues. Consider this before rehashing everything looking for where you went wrong.

kb12345's avatar

Yes I have reached out a few times with texts and phone calls.
No! Nothing strange at all! It was great and it felt really special and at one point he said “Im trying my hardest to show you your the only girl I want.” I am so confused.
What does ‘inner conflict’ mean? I figured something must have triggered this within himself because I do not believe I did anything for this to happen.
No we did not have sex. We did kiss a few times and I felt something, maybe he did not. I am pretty sure he is a little scared of commitment looking at his past.
I do know he is alive and okay one of his friends told me and his Facebook has been updated. I do think there might be something going on with drugs. He has done them before but told me I dont want to do that anymore I have you and I dont want to mess this up. I have an uncle who does struggle with an addiction issue and I see so many similar traits with him. Why wouldnt he just give me a reason why this is all happening. Thank all of you so much! :-) Guys ARE shits!!

Dog's avatar

It sounds like you are the symbol of his dream- the life he feels he should be living or hopes someday to live but he does not have the courage or a enough desire to leave his current life for now.

He is not strong enough to be with you and yet too cowardly to to say the words that would let the dream go.

kb12345's avatar

That really opened my eyes. Your probably right he is not actually strong enough even though he told me he was. Why would he tell me he would change if he was not willing to actually do so? I wish I could some how say that to him to open his eyes and realize/

Dog's avatar

Sadly the only way you and he will ever have a stable quality relationship is if he (and he alone) finds the inner strength to overcome his issues. He DOES know how awesome you are. He knows you two would have a wonderful life. But he is not, at this time, able or willing to give up the things which prevent your life together.

I would absolutely NOT try to help him overcome this. If you end up together and you have been holding his hand and helping him the whole way you will always be in the position of babysitter. He will never mature into the man he needs to be to be beside you. Your best mode of action is to step back and proceed with life making the decision and the dream entirely in his control.

Disc2021's avatar

I resent this whole “guys are shits” attitude. People are so quick to slam men but just as quick to get back out on the market. The pendulum swings both ways – both men and women are imperfect and that’s something everyone has to realize at some point.

Secondly, as stated earlier, the guy just flaked out. While I feel this exit strategy is a pretty low and spineless way to end things, perhaps he simply didn’t have the words to own up to the reality of things. Maybe what seemed nice over the phone, through text messages or Facebook wasn’t so nice in person. Maybe he has other love interests or maybe he realized he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. Whatever his reasoning was, this is your signal to quit and move on.

I’m sorry to hear things didn’t go as planned but I urge you to not let this discourage you – this is going to happen, plenty. If it didn’t, life would be too easy.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I absolutely abhor this kind of sudden passive aggressive bs – sorry it’s happening to you, it doesn’t matter what the reason is, if he’s physically okay and alive, DON’T you tolerate that kind of cowardly behavior and when he does get in touch with you, let him have it.

Neurotic_David's avatar

Ok, i’ll ask the question no one else will. Are you overweight, and if so, did he know that? In otherwords, did the pictures of you he saw on Facebook make you look thinner or younger than you are today? Sorry if it sounds crass, but it’s what immediately lept to my mind. He spent ONE DAY with you in person before running away, which tells me his expectations didnt meet reality, hence the (admittedly rude) question. :(

Kardamom's avatar

Or the other, maybe even slightly worse possibility, is that he is gay. That happened to me, with someone I actually knew (this was before the days of e-mail and Facebook) but he showed no outwards signs of being gay and I knew that he had had several girlfriends before I came along (or so he said). He was also very sweet and lovey-dovey and interesting because we had lots of things in common and I felt special because he liked so many different things. But he didn’t talk “gay” or act “gay” or look “gay” or act weird around guys, so I had no idea until well after the fact. Sometimes guys, who don’t want to admit that they are gay (because of the trauma and damage and possible ridicule and possible ostracization from their families or their church) will do anything that they can to try and “be straight.” If he was bi-sexual, he might be able to pull it off for awhile, but if he is gay (and he might never tell you) it would just eat him up inside to attempt to be with a woman. But know this, it probably has nothing to do with you at all.

I have the feeling that this relationship is damaged beyond repair and I’m so sorry that this happened to you. People can be really mean and shitty when they don’t want to be with someone for whatever reason, because they’re not mature or compassionate enough to tell the truth.

You’re right that he may be into drugs and he may also have another person that he is interested in (that he never told you about) and it’s possible that he just didn’t feel any chemistry with you when you finally met. But for whatever reason, he can’t bring himself to tell you why this has happened.

If you really need to know, the only thing I can suggest is that you VERY CALMLY tell one or 2 of his friends what happened, bring up all of the possibilites that we have mentioned, and ask them to please find out and tell you the truth. Let these friends know, that no matter what the reason, you won’t make a scene or try to retaliate, or blab about the reason. The only thing that you might do is cry because your feelings are hurt. If no one will assist you with finding out what happened, then you will have to take the high road, be courageous and move on and try not to think about this guy any more.

Again, I’m so sorry that this happened. Hopefully this will be the worst thing that ever happens to you with regards to men, and you can chalk it up to your “shitty relationship.” We all have at least one and some of us are unfortunate to have several. I hope you feel better soon.

kb12345's avatar

No don’t worry I am not over weight Im about 125 lbs haha. It is okay though I wondered that too at a few points but I have known him before we started actually getting serious almost as if he was my older brother.
Everything you said about the ‘gay’ option sounds so true. I really dont think that would ever happen to him. I went to one of his good friend and is a good friend of mine too and said he did ask him what he did and he replied that he didnt even know what happened and moved on from the subject. I am just so confused how he is okay right now and not as upset as I am. Thank you all so much for reaching out and caring!

jca's avatar

I agree with you, if I were you I understand your wanting to know some kind of explanation, because things like this can be baffling. How the relationship can go from so “on” to so “off” is really confusing. However, sometimes we have no way of ever knowing or finding out. All I can say is that time will help erase the empty spot in your life and if you stay busy, that will help.

Dutchess_III's avatar

One thing jumped out at me…. _“He told me I was all his,....” ... Notice he didn’t say “I’m all yours.” In other words, it’s all about what HE wants. It may have simply been the chase, and once that was over, he went on to “greener” pastures. He sounds very immature to me, and he’s obviously cruel and thoughtless. I know it hurts, but at least it happened early on, rather than later when, possibly, a baby could have been involved.
I’m sorry for you. I hope you start feeling better soon.

mattbrowne's avatar

Try to be really thought provoking about a subject that will get almost everyone’s attention.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@mattbrowne That guys doesn’t sound like someone who would realize if something was thought-provoking. .... I’m confused, though. What kind of advice were you trying to give her? I mean, the guy’s a douche.

blueiiznh's avatar

Women can be like this too, but from what i read and hear, guys do this more often.
I have kind of a little metric I use similar to what @chyna stated.
I apply a 3 days rule for people that you are interested in and are supposedly interested in you.
You can be dead and buried in a 3 day period. Reach out to see he is ok and past that it sucks that he left you hanging not knowing if he is dead or alive.

jca's avatar

@kb12345: If you ever find out what the answer is, and you feel like sharing it, please give an update, if you wish.

The Update Lady

mattbrowne's avatar

@Dutchess_III – I was only scanning the details. I think my recommendation applies to both a douche and a non-douch. It’s general advice when people feel they are being ignored. Whatever the context might be.

kb12345's avatar

Thank you everyone! It makes me feel a LOT better knowing others know what I am going through and are supporting me besides just my friends and family. I have not heard anything yet since last Monday. It is kind of weird not talking to him but I feel as if I am getting better because I have realized I’m better then him and have other things to occupy myself with. When/if I ever do hear from him I will give everyone the 411!! So look back every now and then on this to see if anything happens. Thank you so much again everyone :-)

Kardamom's avatar

@kb12345 I’m so glad you are feeling better. Wouldn’t it be great if we all came equipped with our own crystal balls so we could figure out why people do (and don’t do) the things they do? Some things just never make sense and will never have an answer. That is why they invented Haagen Daas! : )

kb12345's avatar

I wish, maybe someday someone will invent that.. a little too late for this situation though. You are right! Ben and Jerry’s cookie dough is my new best friend

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