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smryna's avatar

What if you did your best to have a relationship and nothing seems to work out?

Asked by smryna (87points) November 22nd, 2013

I’ve been asking this question for days, weeks, months and years. Honestly I really don’t know the answer that what could possibly go wrong. I am talking about myself. I am 28 yo girl whose never ever had a relationship before. Well just flings. I’ve waiting this long to get my “perfect” relationship for nothing! Yet no one seems to appear on my door. One can say I have high standards and should have lowered it. Someone else can say I give the wrong vibe. Well, it was true then I lowered my expectation and tried to be positive all the time, like smiling, trying to communicate etc..
And later I criticized myself, beat myself up, felt sorry for myself for not being able to have a relationship! Because I thought my flirty and kinda bitch friends can make one easily but I can’t. You know it’s not fair -especially – when all the bitch lover guys marry with the decent girl or end up with the bitch one. So where are my manners? right? It’s just I am pissed off! I just want someone closer. Is that alright?

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19 Answers

SadieMartinPaul's avatar

I’m going to give you the same advice that people often gave me – when you stop looking for a partner, and when you just live your life as an interesting, involved person, a great guy will come along. No, he won’t appear at your door, but you’ll meet him while you’re out volunteering for a good cause, being politically active, playing a sport, socializing with mutual friends, taking a class for the sole purpose of self-enrichment, etc.

Yes, the advice sounds trite, but it’s absolutely true. “The Search” makes any person, male or female, seem desperate; that’s never appealing. There’s nothing more attractive, however, than someone who’s interested and interesting, or engaged and engaging.

Nimis's avatar

I’m gonna go with giving off the wrong vibe. Or maybe you just give off a bad impression?

I would rethink things like:
– “perfect” relationship
– for nothing
– appear on my door
– tried to be positive…
– kinda bitch friends
– it’s not fair
– bitch lover guys
– bitch one
(Basically everything in your details.)

Relax. Stop seeing relationships as a task or goal. Be yourself—unless you’re really a bitch. In which case, work on being less of one. Or embrace it, bitches find love too.

Just take a deep breathe. Relax. Twenty-eight is hardly an old maid.

fluthernutter's avatar

Sometimes maintaining a relationship takes effort. But you probably shouldn’t be trying that hard to get into one. When the right one comes along, it should be easy.

livelaughlove21's avatar

Oh, so many issues here…

1.) There’s no such thing as a “perfect” relationship. Those are for fairy tales, not real life.

2.) Mr. Right isn’t just going to show up in your door step, so you can toss that fantasy right now.

3.) This whole “trying to be positive” thing sounds like an act. Pretending you’re something you’re not isn’t going to get you anywhere.

4.) All that “bitch” talk bugs me. Do these “friends” of yours know you really think they’re bitches and undeserving of love? What makes you better than these girls?

My guess is that the advice you got about giving off bad vibes is exactly right. With this attitude you have about this, why would any guy want to be with you? Hop off your high horse, look in the mirror, and figure out what you have to offer in a relationship. Relationships take work – they don’t just happen.

I agree that you’re trying way too hard to find a man. The harder you look, the longer it’ll take to find someone.

marinelife's avatar

If wanting a relationship is the whole focus of your being, you will chase it away. Instead, focus on you: your life, living it fully and with joy. When you do that, a relationship will happen.

Espiritus_Corvus's avatar

What all the above have said. Relax, focus on your own life. Learn to be alone, because even if you are with someone, you are really alone. You come here alone and you go out alone. Somebody once said that loving relationships give us only the intermittent, satisfying illusion that we are not alone. But we really are, and I believe people who have never learned to be alone, who have never learned to be comfortable in their aloneness, are different than those who know, and those who know sense it and steer clear of the others. You become whole and self sufficient emotionally which is much more attractive than un-whole-some people. Then, ironies of ironies, you’ll probably be able to take your pick.

kritiper's avatar

Commit to being single possibly for the rest of your life. After age 45, it ain’t so bad. You’ll grow to love it!

cheebdragon's avatar

Best by who’s standards?

“If every dude in your family beats their wife, but you beat your wife the least, you might be the best guy in that family, but it doesn’t make you the best husband.” Dan Cummins

LornaLove's avatar

The best way to meet serious relationships is through friendships. There are no Knights in shining armor waiting to whisk you off. Unless of course you gave him directions to your door and a good reason to get there in the first place.

Open your heart, learn to be more you, find interests, be real and someone special will appear in your life in the most unlikely places.

Haleth's avatar

I’ve waiting this long to get my “perfect” relationship for nothing! Yet no one seems to appear on my door.

One can say I have high standards and should have lowered it. ...Well, it was true then I lowered my expectation and tried to be positive all the time, like smiling, trying to communicate etc..

…I thought my flirty and kinda bitch friends can make one easily but I can’t. You know it’s not fair -especially – when all the bitch lover guys marry with the decent girl or end up with the bitch one.

From your own words, you think other girls are bitches, and that you would need to lower your standards to find a relationship. It sounds like you’re blaming other people for your problems, when the real problem is that you’re not being genuine in the way you relate to people.

My suggestion is, find some people you really, genuinely like. This may take some soul-searching, or even a complete overhaul of your life. Good friendships and relationships are both part of a well-rounded life. Get down to brass tacks and find out what your favorite interests are, the things you care about, and what really makes you tick. From there, you can develop positive friendships based on genuine compatibilities. From there, you will probably find a real relationship, without even trying. But you have to lay the groundwork first.

Smitha's avatar

First you need to relax and calm down. It’s not the end of the world; it’s just the end of a relationship. Not every relationship is meant to last happily forever. I can understand the mindset of loving someone so much that you are willing to make changes in your life so that they are happy. But with the desire to accomplish a successful relationship at all costs, you might end up sacrificing your own happiness. I realize it will be really confusing to look around at your circle of friends, and see everybody else paired off, and wonder why you’re the only person left without a boyfriend.
But for the time being just focus on other parts of your life, pursue your passion in life, and try to remain hopeful, by doing so you will feel much better about yourself, and find that when you do get in a relationship, it will have been worth the long wait. Don’t worry, you will find the right person when the time is right. Dont pressure yourself !

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smryna's avatar

First of all, let me start by saying thank you all for the contribution. I really appreciate it. I’ve waited till now because I wanted to get all the straight answers from different point of view.

@SadieMartinPaul Thank you for the great and inspirational answer! I’ve been talking about “the search” because it’s been 28 years (!) and it kinda seems forever to me. And I started to search lately because all of my friends are getting engage or marry. It feels like I am forever alone and I don’t wanna be!

@livelaughlove21 and @Haleth I have 3 bitch friends and believe it or not they like being called bitch. Especially one of them asks me all the time if she looked more slutty or not. I am sorry this bitch talk bugs you but I have friends like this and I know what they may think in a “bitch” way. So your argument is invalid. You asked me what makes me better than these girls? I am a human and I am suffering loneliness! I’ve been trying to be plain and simple. That’s all. And when I see people with their darling, it makes me sad. I am not jealous, it just sad. Just because I call my friends bitch, doesn’t make me an arrogant . You’re free to not believe me, I find happiness in the simplest of things. But I’ve had enough and I want love. That is just simple.
Please don’t get confused between my personality and my attitude. My personality is who I am and my attitude depends on who I am dealing with.

snowberry's avatar

I’m sorry. I can’t imagine calling people who consider themselves as “bitches” and wanting “to be bitchier” as friend material.

And if you happen to be in a neighborhood where all the guys are looking for “bitches” to be their girlfriends and you’re not one (thank goodness), you might want to move or change your lifestyle, culture, or whatever so you have wider horizons. There are better options out there.

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