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RexCredo's avatar

I did something bad to my girlfriend. But I've been goin' to the therapist and done a lot of hard work. Am I always going to be sad for what I did?

Asked by RexCredo (142points) March 12th, 2011

I did something bad to my girlfriend, I pushed her and she fell and harmed her arm. Since then, I’ve been doing a lot of hard work to control my temper, I’ve visited a therapist and I’ve prayed a lot. I know I won’t harm anyone anymore and I’m very sorry for my actions. Am I a bad person?

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18 Answers

wundayatta's avatar

What do you mean by bad? What difference does it make how strangers judge you? Why do you care if you’re “bad” or whatever?

What matters is what the people you hope to be in relationships with think. If you are violent towards them, will they turn away from you? Do you care what your girlfriend thinks? If so, do you know what she thinks? Do you want her to trust you? Have you asked her to forgive you?

I’ll tell you this. If you had pushed me and I had fallen. It would take a lot more than therapy and praying to make me believe you had reformed. You can use all the words you want, but your actions are what I pay attention to. I don’t believe you won’t harm anyone again. Not until you’ve got a seriously history of being good.

chyna's avatar

Where are you in your relationship with your girlfriend? Is she still seeing you?

Nullo's avatar

Forgiveness follows repentance. You have apparently repented, so you may be forgiven.
The Calvinists hold (among other things) that Man is basically evil. I have no reason to disagree. But that does not preclude improvement. You have improved.

Brian1946's avatar

For the sake of your girlfriend’s safety and whatever potential there is for resuming a relationship with her, I suggest you tell her that you should stop having in-person contact with her until your therapist feels that you’ve resolved your anger issues.

In the meantime, I suggest that you stop having in-person contact with her until you’ve covered this with the therapist.

I’m saying all that on the assumption that she wasn’t presenting a substantial physical danger to you.

BarnacleBill's avatar

You will never undo what happened, but if you are committed to doing what you need to do to manage your temper and have self-awareness, then you will eventually have a happy life. But you will never go back to as if it never happened; it will change you.

It does not make you a “bad” person unless you fail to learn from it. Sometimes things like this have a silver lining; perhaps what you are going through is something that, by learning how to address your anger, will save you from doing something much worse later on in life.

Sincere repentance will eventually lead to you feeling better about yourself, but it will take time.

Kardamom's avatar

Sorry, having a hard time answering this question. I don’t believe the part about “I know I won’t harm anyone anymore and I’m very sorry for my actions.” That is what abusers always say to get back into the good graces of the their abuse victim. Maybe you have changed. I doubt it and If I were your girlfriend, I would drop you like a bag of hot rocks and head for the hills.

Sorry, it’s just that I’ve heard about and witnessed this scenario from the other side, umpteem times and it never gets better and usually gets worse. Sorry.

Stick with your therapy, keep aplogizing, do good works and good deeds, don’t get involved with anyone else for at least five years and then come back and let us know how it’s going.

filmfann's avatar

How harmed was her arm? Bruised or broken?

cookieman's avatar

At the end of the day, all that matters are our actions. A consistent pattern of behavior is all something your girlfriend and anyone who cares to know you can rely upon.

Praying, feeling bad, therapy, asking Fluther if you’re a “bad person” – those things are for you (and ultimately selfish).

All that matters, is what you do and how you treat other people.

The good news is that your behavior (unless you have a mental illness) is a choice. From here on in, choose better and you’ll never have to ask, “am I a bad person”.

shpadoinkle_sue's avatar

It would be worse if you weren’t sorry and remorseful. You’re making a commitment to getting help and that does make a difference. Make progress and have your girlfriend guide the situation how she wants to, don’t pressure her for results either way.

Bellatrix's avatar

The only way to judge whether you are a bad person is whether you allow this or something similar to happen again. You need to keep getting that help for your anger management and remain very aware of your propensity for violence. If you really are serious and do change your ways, I wouldn’t call you bad. If you allow yourself to lapse though and think it is okay to even raise a hand to someone again in anger, then you are bad.

SincereNyc's avatar

If you gotta ask, then you must still be feeling like dog poo, not “sad”. Be real. Therapy – great your’re going, but that will never rectify / justify the fact that you placed your hands on a woman. I agree with Kardamom to a certain extent that if you would have “pushed” me (however hard or soft, out of anger or play, believe you me, it would be popping on like pop-corn to the extent you would never cross your mind to raise a pinky towards me or any other woman! – Not going to apologize for the extreme love self-preservation here, cause lets face it, you just may outweigh me, so i got to strike while the iron is hot, lol.) I digress. But seriously, goling to therapy is good, Prayer is better, but distance is great, especially if you still feel “sad” your girlfriend has been verbal and said that she already forgives you. Understand that she may still feel nervous around you (I know I would if I stayed), she may not admit it, but put yourself in her shoes for a minute, won’t you?. You need more time to reform, deal and come to terms with whatever initially sparks this irrational behavior that gives you the green light in you brain to go forth and place your hands on another woman. Time is a healer and I will come in agreement for this need to suceed. God Bless.

snowberry's avatar

Let’s not confuse forgiveness with trust. Ever. It’s a set up for more of the same agony. Get some time under your belt showing the people you love that you can be trusted, and perhaps they will.

By comparison, forgiveness is easy.

The thing is, Trust, once broken, is not easily mended again, or in other words, Once burned, twice shy.

Your girlfriend needs counseling to find out why she picked a violent guy. Even if she doesn’t stay with you, she needs counseling to ensure that the next guy she picks won’t break her other arm. You both need counseling to resolve boundary issues. Get your boundaries in the right place, and this should never happen again

When you have done all the necessary work, THEN you won’t be sad anymore, unless of course you want to be.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

You aren’t a bad person. A bad person would tell their gf they’d never hurt her again and expect her to not only believe them on the spot but also to forgive and not bother reminding the bad person of the hurt they cause.

You want to understand and control your anger. You feel badly for your gf’s hurt, you want her to believe in you so… continue your therapy and accept the time it takes for your gf to regain trust lost and for the hurt to wear down.

Be consistent and patient with yourself for your efforts but also with her because it may take more time than you realize for her to feel secure and for any anger at being hurt by you to seem a distant thing. Good luck, a loving trusting relationship is worth it!

Sunny2's avatar

Will you always be sad about what you did? I hope so. That will keep you from repeating your actions. Does that make you a bad person? No. Not yet. If you repeat the bad action, then you may be considered “bad”. Only you can decide that for yourself. Good luck with the therapy. That’s a very positive step and I hope it works for you. If not, you might want to find a different therapist.

john65pennington's avatar

You have no idea of how many times I have heard your words, when answering domestic violence calls.

You are on the right track with the counseling. What does your gf think of your counseling? Is she willing to stay wih you, after your attack on her?

As we all know, one person can provoke another person into striking them. This applies to both men and women.

I say, let your gf be the deciding factor here.

Seelix's avatar

You made a mistake in a moment of anger, and you’ve apologized for what you did. You honestly regret the action and its consequences, and are taking steps to help ensure that you’re better able to deal with your anger, so that the incident isn’t repeated. That doesn’t describe a bad person.

How does your girlfriend feel about the whole thing? Are you still together? If you are, then I’m going to assume that she’s willing to try to forgive you, if she hasn’t already.

Guilt is a tricky thing. To be honest, it might not go away. Do your best to regain your girlfriend’s trust, and to regain your trust in yourself. Time will be a factor here. Feel secure in knowing that you’re truly trying to improve yourself (you mentioned therapy and prayer – have you looked into treatment specifically for anger management?). That’s all you can do – I wish you the best.

chewhorse's avatar

If you ever forget then you would have learned nothing from your mistake. You should recall it every day for the rest of your life as well as feel bad but you don’t have to react to that feeling.. Live with it, don’t keep bringing it up by apologising or making it ruin your future, just know you would never do it again and get on with your life. You may not be a bad person but you did a bad thing.. Realizing this, trying to atone by seeking help for this is a sign of a good person not a bad person.

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