Social Question

ilovechoc's avatar

Honestly, can the ugly duckling really turn into a swan? or at least stand a chance to compete with the other beautiful ducklings?

Asked by ilovechoc (142points) March 16th, 2011

I’m not young anymore, in fact I’m already 22. But because my parents are the conservative (really conservative), traditional thinking type of parents, being an obedient child, since I was young, I’ve always listen to them. They used to not allow me to date anyone, don’t allow me to go to clubs or house parties, etc. – and so I listen to them.
They also told me that girls shouldn’t be the aggressive one, and should never make a move first. So as I grew up, I become a really shy person. I’m used to keep waiting for the guy that I’m interested at, to approach me first (which as far as I can remember never really happens.. lol).

And on top of that I’m just an average looking girl. I don’t really know how to put on make up nicely or dress up prettily as most 22 year old girls should be. I tried to present myself as good as possible but I just don’t have a pretty / good looking face to begin with. There are a couple of times when I sensed that the person whom I’m fond of, doesn’t have the same feeling as me. It has always been like that.. It just happened again yesterday, and I felt so miserable.. I don’t know when will I ever meet my Mr. Right, or when will someone that I like will like me back..because I think that guys will mostly look at the physical appearance first.. and given the fact that I’m not that attractive, so how can I ever stand a chance to be noticed by someone when there are so many pretty girls out there?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

17 Answers

Blueroses's avatar

Honestly there’s nothing more attractive than confidence, an easy smile and a sincere interest in other people. You don’t have to paint yourself or dress in the latest fad clothing to attract the right people to you.

I hope you will identify the areas where you really shine and feel good about your abilities and use that to build your self-esteem. When you feel self-worth, the worthy will come to you.

Bellatrix's avatar

Aww sweetie at 22 you are most definitely still young and most definitely you are a swan to someone. What about checking out whether there are any make-up lessons or styling type courses you can go on in your area? Or if you can afford it, where I am you can hire a stylist for a day. Put yourself in their hands for a day and see what they come up with. With your make-up, look around your local department store and find the cosmetic counter with a girl whose make-up you like (not the old dragon who used a trowel to apply it). Ask them if they can show you how to apply some of their products. You don’t have to buy everything although they will probably expect you to buy something. Or ask a friend whose style you really admire to be your stylist for the day. Good luck! As @Blueroses one of the most beautiful thing you can be is confident.

SeaTurtle's avatar

Sorry this probably wont help but it made me think of an ugly duckling at my town pond.

There must be at least 20 ducks at this little pond, around two years ago we first went to feed them and noticed that one was being harassed by several others and the rest followed suit to a degree to show their support. (we made sure he managed to get some bread of course)
A couple of months later we came back and Ugly ducky was in a poorly state, wounds all over the top of his head and when feeding them the ringleaders became extremely aggressive.. tearing out his wing feathers then chasing him down.
Several weeks ago we returned and were surprised to see ‘Uggy’ still outcast but healed and holding his own with his own little group of 3 ducks protecting him. To be honest we didn’t expect to see him alive nerveless seeing him with friends now looking after him.
I guess the little guy has the strength of perseverance.

ilovechoc's avatar

@Blueroses Thank you for your input :) I agree that confidence is the key. But sometimes it’s kind of hard to be confident when I know that I don’t have a good physical appearance.. You know like when you are talking to this guy that you like and he just seemed to be not interested in you. In your mind you automatically have this thought, “See it happens again.. maybe his reaction will be much different if he were to talk to someone who is much more attractive than me..” I don’t know.. but I feel that sometimes guys will just treat girls differently based on their appearance. They are more gentle/kind towards a more attractive looking girl.

@Mz_Lizzy I tried to watch some videos in Youtube before, and my friend had once helped me to put on some make up.. but I looked weird.. lol.. It feels like I looked better without make up. Maybe I should try to look for some proper make up classes like you mentioned :)

@SeaTurtle that’s an interesting story :) Maybe I should try to be as strong as that little “Uggy”

Bellatrix's avatar

And start small. If you aren’t used to wearing make-up, it will seem odd. You also don’t need to wear much. My experience is a lot of boys/men don’t like girls to look too made up. Just a little bit to highlight your eyes and perhaps a fairly natural lipstick. A little goes a long way.

Think about your body type too in relation to clothes. Don’t be a follower of fashion. Instead, learn what suits you and go with that. There are lots of books (check your library) or watch programs like How to look good naked (I prefer Gok Wan to Carson). Or look out for programs with Trinny and Susannah. Buy some good quality, staples for your wardrobe that look great on you and then add to them. Think about the colours that suit you. I love red and it loves me. Yellow…nah…. Wearing the right colour can really make you feel good and look good.

Instead of looking in the mirror and seeing your faults though (and we all do it) try to see the good bits. I have lovely eyes, I have great boobs, I have long legs or a beautiful neck. You do have lots of beautiful bits. Focus on them.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Here is the good news: most men, if not all, are quite capable of not judging a book by its cover. Age 22 is still young, and it’s the prime time to focus on learning what your strengths are and what makes you happy. It will take loosening the parental apron strings as you find your own two feet.

What I’ve learned from male friends is that while they ‘appreciate’ physical attractiveness, it isn’t the most important. Many are even intimidated by it. The media doesn’t help either when it is filled with articles about fashion and appearance.

Many years ago, I had a female roommate who is almost 6’ tall, overweight, and plain-looking. She went out to a bar one night with a friend who is petite and very attractive. The only other person in the place was a guy, and they struck up a conversation with him. According to the friend, the guy only had eyes for the roommate. After that evening, the roommate couldn’t stop thinking about him, but they hadn’t exchanged phone numbers. The only information she had was a description of his truck and that he was working on a construction project in the area. She hired a private detective to attempt to locate him. The PI found him, and she gave him a call. 15 years later, they are still married, and the check she wrote to pay the PI is in their wedding album.

SeaTurtle's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer , Great ! and so true.

shego's avatar

@ilovechoc Don’t try to be somebody your not.
I totally agree with @Blueroses and @Mz_Lizzy

But @Pied_Pfeffer also has a point. Love will find you, so don’t worry about it.
I’m 23 and not the prettiest flower on on the bush. I learned to just be myself. Like you, I don’t know how to put makeup on, I have friends who do it for me.
Just accept yourself, that is the first step, and the hardest. No matter what, you are a beautiful person both inside and out, and don’t let anyone tell you differently.

Also, since we are in a different era than your parents, it’s ok to make the first move, and once again, just be yourself, and have fun.

aprilsimnel's avatar

I think the most important issue is the one you put forth first, and that is the one about your parents. I’m sure you realize by now that they taught you from the basis of what they considered to be the right moral values. They did the best they could.

As a young adult, one of your jobs is to discover what your values are, and that goes deeper than looks, make-up or clothes. This means taking a few risks and being OK with learning from the outcomes, whatever those may be. No one is saying you have to approach men you like, club them on the head and take them home, but you can let a man you’re interested in know that you find him attractive by talking to him and being interested in what he has to say.

Also, in terms of the rest of your life, you do have to put yourself out there, as scary as that sounds. But remember, everyone around you is human just like you, imperfect just like you, prone to mistakes just like you (yes, your parents too!) and it all evens out. Believe me, I’ve known pretty people with nasty dispositions, ugly people with good ones, as well as ugly, nasty people and pretty, kind ones. You just have to meet folks halfway and pay attention to see what’s what.

The fact that you see you are becoming different from your parents lead me to think you’ll be OK. Small steps are fine. You’re on the right track. Just keep talking to people (and let your friends know you’d like to date, that will help!) and a decent young man who finds you attractive will come along in time.

stardust's avatar

I agree completely with @Blueroses. Confidence and self belief are very attractive qualities. Both of these are things that begin from the inside. I don’t believe that building your self esteem based on physical appearance is a good idea. That’s not to say that taking care of yourself, wearing nice clothes that you like, make up etc doesn’t give you that added pep in your step.
I agree that you have to take some risks. It sounds scary, but it’s entirely worth it in the long run.
It’s great to people watch to get some ideas, but don’t try to emulate anyone else’s look/style. Instead, develop you own. It’s much nicer, not to mention much more fun to embrace your own style than to try to capture someone else’s.
Last but not least, 22 is very young!

MacBean's avatar

Oh God. I can’t even get past “I’m not young anymore, in fact I’m already 22” to think of an answer to the question. I’m going to go eat ice cream straight from the carton and mourn my apparently lost youth now. D:

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

You don’t know how to apply make up? Count your blessings. You’ve got years to grow into yourself without giving two craps about your appearance, which takes many longer to learn. I hope you do become less shy about telling your parents to stuff it, though.

rooeytoo's avatar

I guess my first question is why are you still living at home at 22? Are you still in school? If not I would look for my own place and if you can’t afford a place by yourself, then look for a place to share with a room mate or 2. I really don’t disagree with what your parents have told you in the past but at 22 you can go most anywhere you want, even if you are still at home, you just have to be home by the time they say. I would definitely get out of there so I could stand on my own.

MacBean's avatar

…why are you still living at home at 22?

Because the times, they are a-changin’.

rooeytoo's avatar

@MacBean – yeah I read that over and over again. And it amazes me. I couldn’t wait to get away from my home because that is what you do when you grow up. It cost most of my pay but I didn’t care, I was independent and no longer had to abide by my parent’s rules or curfews. Seems now as if there are no rules or curfews for these adult children living with their moms and dads. There was recently a question in here about whether an adult child should be allowed to have his girlfriend move in too. If this is the result of the new method of raising children, then it seems not necessarily better than the old method where kids learned to grow up and be able to take care of themselves. As for higher education, I would say there are a lot of phd types out of work but not many unemployed electricians, etc.

Bellatrix's avatar

Times have changed and many young people live at home for longer. I left home at 17 but my two oldest children were both in their early 20s. They paid board and they helped around the house but they had a room, computer, TV and everything they needed and it was a sounder economic decision to stay at home at that time. They moved out when it suited them.

I also think 22 year olds of today can often (not always of course) be less mature than they were when I was 22. At 22 I was married and pregnant and had emigrated to another country. Different times and different strokes for different folks. Also, this young lady has said she lacks confidence. She will get there. She just needs to take some of the right steps to help her develop that confidence.

ilovechoc's avatar

Thanks everyone for the inputs :)

just want to clarify some confusion here, I know that 22 is still a young age.. lol.. but when I said I’m not young anymore, I was referring to the fact that I never had a boyfriend before and I’m now already at the age of 22.. So I was kind of worried if I’ll ever have one.. Pardon me for not making that statement clear.

and actually I’ve been living apart from my family since I was 9 years old. I was sent overseas to study alone, first to Singapore, and now to US. The fact is that I’m actually an international student. So my parents are in Asia, and they are not here in the US. Maybe that’ll also explains why I have a really conservative and traditional thinking parents, because in Asia, I think most parents are like that (or maybe at least in my country) :)

However, although they can’t really see what I’m doing here, I just couldn’t bear to lie to my parents or make them worried over me if I “violate” their principles. So I’ve always been a really obedient girl since I was young. And being like that for almost my entire life, it sort of making me feel extremely guilty if I suddenly behave improperly. (improper behavior here meaning that I didn’t behave like what they expected me to be)

I hope that will clarify some of the statements that I wrote in the descriptions :)

Answer this question




to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther