Social Question

Jmoore921's avatar

I made a mistake and I'm in a mess... How can this be solved?

Asked by Jmoore921 (65points) March 18th, 2011

It all started with my husband giving my cell number and sending pictures of me (dressed!) to a coworker who I’m gonna call Mr. Loonie. Up until then I had no idea what was going on. Then the guy called me to ask a grammar question (he was studying for his GED), and then after that we started talking. My husband was very absent, neglectful – we’ve been married for 10 yrs, no children. So a connection developed between Loonie and I, and one day my husband introduced me to him. He basically gave me the attention my husband wasn’t giving me, and I had tried going to counseling with hubbie but he didn’t wanna go. So I ended up cheating on my husband with Loonie, it lasted 1 month. I felt so terrible and I sat down with my husband one day and confessed. He didn’t appear so shocked, and said he forgave me. Then the next day he went to work he confronted Loonie and he denied everything, and called me a psycho! He was outraged that I told my husband saying I messed up their friendship, and that I was going to pay for it. Mind you, he has a gf he lives with for many yrs that he said he was trying to “get rid of”. He continued calling and texting my husband as if nothing happened, and my husband started doubting that I told him the truth. Then one day I guess it finally dawned on him, and he told Loonie he needs to admit it. Loonie got mad and disappeared. Then a guy at their job is now making fun of Loonie, calling me his gf (I hate that!), because Loonie used to run his mouth at work saying he was going to marry me one day and take me away from my husband. My husband said nothing about it (I wish he stopped that). Then a common friend called me Monday saying be careful because Loonie said when he sees you guys he is going to hit you and your husband. He’s mad because he said we’re spreading rumors about him at work. I don’t work there and I don’t go there, and my husband doesn’t talk to anyone about Loonie, and is hardly at the office. So all we want is peace. The mistake is done and I am deeply regretful for doing it, but I’m moving on. I don’t want to fight with anyone. Loonie and gf have an extensive criminal record for fights, and Loonie told us he would even pay to be in a fight, because he loves it. He’s psycho and we want him away from us. At this point, is there anything we can do legally to protect ourselves, since he didn’t threaten us directly or hit us? Thank you.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

24 Answers

WasCy's avatar

I would start, just for the barest and most minimal thing in the world, by just not calling the guy “Loonie” and “psycho” in casual conversation (such as this). Whatever happened between the two of you, and however you feel about him now, I would discuss him respectfully and as if he were any other former friend or confidant with whom you had a falling out.

That’s just for starters. Whether you need a restraining order or more is between you and your husband and whoever gives you advice on this gentleman (really, start thinking of him and addressing conversation about him that way again).

If you and your husband were a bit more proactive, I think I would try to arrange a meeting between the three of you so that you and your husband could say something like, “Look, we don’t want trouble, and when my wife told me about the conversations you had had, I didn’t take offense and didn’t want trouble then, either. But she doesn’t want to do that any more, feels bad about having done that, and it’s over, okay?” But if you don’t feel safe doing that, or if your husband still ‘won’t have anything to say’, then it’s best to just try to let him go away.

Respectfully, though. Treat him with respect – especially if you think he’s dangerous and in any way unhinged.

PS: Welcome to Fluther.

Jmoore921's avatar

I don’t call him Loonie out there… I just made that up here so I would have a nickname to call him. But he is a loonie! What part of “leaving us alone” doesn’t he understand? Personally, I do not want to see this guy ever again. He creeped me up after a while and I started distancing myself. He did say he is afraid of my husband if he ever got mad, because he said my husband is the quiet type and those are the ones you need to watch for. My husband said he’s not gonna do anything, he just wants the guy to go away. We were just concerned with him wanting to hit us. We think he might just be blowing hot air, but we are not sure at this point. How can one get a restraining order on someone who hasn’t concretely done anything? that’s my question. But thanks, WasCY, you gave me a good answer anyway.

marinelife's avatar

I agree with @WasCy about trying to meet with him directly. You could have other people along so that nothing happens and hold the meeting at a public place.

Tell him that you just want t clear up that neither of you is talking about him. Tell him that it has gotten back to you that he wants to fight and that you two don’t want to fight. You just want each person to walk away and forget about it.

Tell your husband this is why you two need marriage counseling. Tell him why you had the affair (that you felt neglected and unappreciated).

Jmoore921's avatar

Good points, Marinelife! Well I just don’t feel comfortable meeting up with him. I don’t want to see him. I have nightmares with him. What a price I’m paying for my own stupidity, wow! I think my husband should meet with him and tell him all that stuff, that the friendship is over and we mean no harm to him, we just want to be left alone and let bygones be bygones. My husband is going to talk to that other coworker that keeps teasing Loonie about me being his gf, and tell him to stop that joke because it’s making things worse and it’s disrespectful to him and me anyway. I’m so tired of this situation I just want it to be over and have my peace!

BarnacleBill's avatar

@Jmoore921, you need to meet with him, in public, and put this to an end. It’s not just your life that’s living hell—it’s everyone that you know and all the people that your husband works with. Everyone is sucked into the drama, and it’s embarrassing. Probably the only way that it will really end is for your husband to quit his job and take another.

Jmoore921's avatar

@BarnacleBill But I don’t want to meet him. Why can’t just my husband talk to him? I know it’s embarassing, but I dont think people know about the affair because although Loonie was joking about me around work, he still denied everything to my husband and to anyone who asked him if that was true. Crazy huh? My husband is looking for another job but so far hasn’t found anything yet. He wants to get out of there not only because of this issue, but he’s tired of it anyway for other reasons. But thank you for your answer.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@Jmoore921 Why can’t just my husband talk to him? I know it’s embarassing,

Because you are the adult responsible for causing all of this mess in the first place. Now it’s time to put on your big girl panties and clean up the mess. It’s not embarrassing unless you allow it to be. Embarrassment is an emotion you can control. You need to use logic and reasoning to handle this.

Sit down. Contemplate what you want to say. Write it down if you need to . Then either meet with him face to face or call him and handle this. (obviously not where his gf would hear him talking).

Jmoore921's avatar

I didn’t cause this mess in the first place. My husband and this guy started it. I was dragged into it. Yes, I own that I made a mistake, but I know I didn’t start it. I ended everything with the guy in a civilized way. I told him I didnt want to continue this and it was wrong, and I made a mistake. So I already talked to him. There is no need to talk again. If there is anything to be said, my husband can say it because now it’s the other idiot at work running his mouth with something Loonie started, not me. I kept everything to myself, I didn’t go running my mouth. Once it was over, it was over for me. I don’t trust this guy to go meet with him, he’s violent. And I’m disgusted with him, I don’t wanna see him ever again.

cak's avatar

I didn’t cause this mess in the first place. My husband and this guy started it. I was dragged in.

Well, yes. You did make the choice to have an affair. When he called you, the first time. I would have asked how he got your information, why he was calling and ended the called, shortly thereafter. Then I would have immediately called my husband and asked him why he was sending your photo and phone number to another man. That would have been the adult way of handling this, in the first place.

Unfortunately, you took it the wrong direction. Now it is your mess to clean up. Everyone above that mentioned that you need to meet him in a public place, and I suggest with another person as a witness, to tell him to please stop with any other threats or any other communication, outside of direct work communications, with your husband. There is no further reason to contact you.

Yes, you and your husband, if you are trying to work through things, need to see a therapist. Yes, there were other things going on, not just your affair; however, you need to understand that you broke a trust with your husband, a huge one. You broke a vow. Maybe your husband isn’t jumping up to solve the problem because he’s hurt.

At work, if he is harassing your husband, he needs to report him to HR. If he continues to threaten and harass you and your husband, outside of your husband’s work, you may want to talk to the police to see if there are any ramifications to his actions. Be prepared to explain the full story.

I wanted to add:

Yes, you made a mess – a big one. What is going to show that you mean business and also that you want to really work on your relationship, own your mistake. It’s going to be difficult, but it’s important for you and your husband. You will know you did the right thing, by trying to do the right thing.

I’m not passing judgment on you, I’m just being straightforward. My ex cheated on me, frequently. I was willing to accept that I was also responsible for mentally and emotionally withdrawing from the marriage. Neither of us were happy. We tried counseling, well…I tried. He didn’t want to go after 1 or 2 sessions.

Welcome to Fluther and really, good luck to you.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@Jmoore921 I didn’t cause this mess in the first place.
Really? Your question states: I made a mistake and I’m in a mess… How can this be solved?

I’m with @cak on all of her recommendations. All of them.

Jmoore921's avatar

@cak I did ask my husband why he was sending my pics to him after I found out because Loonie showed them to me, and he told me my husband sent them to him. I didn’t send them, and it could only be my husband. My husband said he thought I was hot and he wanted my pics and he was ok wth it! And the phone calls went on, first call it was for the GED thing, than after that he called me other times when I did NOT answer. He was very persistent, and one day I answered and was not sassy with him or anything, but he caught me in a “needy” day, I didn’t have anyone to talk to (my husband didn’t answer the phone for 3 days at this point). So that started. I wasn’t looking to have an affair. I was looking to fix my marriage. Unfortunately yes I made a bad decision to continue the conversations afterwards… and yes it led to a mess. Yes I understand my husband is hurt, but it hurt me too the fact that after I told him and he confronted Loonie and he denied, my husband still kept talking to him… answering the phone when Loonie talked. And it wasn’t about work issues, because my husband told me. He just wanted to resume the friendship and was mad because “I tried to break it up”. Far from being inocent in all this, but my husband doesnt need a “friend” like this. Yes, my question says I made a mistake – to get involved with this guy – and yes I’m in a mess but I want out. What if the guy takes a gun when we meet? Too many crazy people in this world…

SpatzieLover's avatar

@Jmoore921 Follow the instructions given in @cak‘s advice above.

If you are that concerned, he needs to make a threat to you or to your husband directly so that you can file a restraining order against him.

Jmoore921's avatar

@SpatzieLover Ok. He hasnt yet and my husband is trying to stay away from him at work. They haven’t talked for 3 weeks and haven’t seen each other for about a month. We don’t want to, but if we are threatened, we will seek legal protection. Nobody has the right to go about threatening others and telling people they want to hit them. Come on!

cak's avatar

I would have a huge problem with my husband forwarding my pictures to another man. It’s not right, especially without your consent. I know you weren’t looking for an affair. There are a lot of things going on, not just the affair. Your husband, in a way, violated your privacy just by sending your picture to someone you don’t even know. This is serious and needs to be addressed.

This is where the therapist is something you need to explore. There are things that both of you need to work on, respect being a huge one.

No matter what has transpired between you and this guy – I’m choking on calling him a man, no one deserves to have someone threaten physical violence. Just proceed with caution and do nothing, without someone witnessing any communications with this guy.

Jmoore921's avatar

@cak I know, I didn’t like when I found out my husband sent my pictures to him. Although I wasn’t naked, still.. It’s me! What tickles me is that the guy has this gf but went on and on pursuing me… and I kept telling him, why don’t you guys work things out? But yes, you are totally right about the therapist help. I would really like to find out the issues we were (and are) having. I want to be happy. I know there is no perfect marriage, and what I did was horrible, but since he accepted me back, we have to make this work. I’ll make sure my husband doesn’t say anything to this guy just in case they are alone in the office. I really don’t like what he said that he wants to hit me and my husband. Anyway, thanks for your great answers!

snowberry's avatar

A lot of this sounds like he said, she said stuff. If you have anything like a traceable document such as an e-mail or phone recording, you will have a better time of it making your case with the police. Barring that, an eye witness would help.

If that’s not possible, you can at least document what has already occurred, and tell the police that much. I do know that the police don’t want to be bothered unless it’s a legitimate threat. If he tells hubby, “I’m gonna fight you!” it isn’t as direct a threat as “I’m gonna meet you after work and break your legs!” Now something like that would really get their attention. However, the fact that the guy (and his gf) both have criminal records and he has made threats of the first kind to you may help your case).

Jmoore921's avatar

The only things I have from him are emails and text messages that basically say “I love you” and “I can’t live without you”, kind of stuff, but not threats. This was back then when he was calling and texting me 24/7, obsessive. If he ever DOES something, at least I can prove a reason why he did it. I don’t want to bother the police unless it is a legitimate threat. Since he told our common friend that stuff, he didn’t tell US, so I guess we can’t do much, but still I didn’t take that lightly. I don’t like to be threatened. I remember this guy describing how he likes to knock people unconscious… he told me a lot of things he did to other people before. I was so terrified, that’s when I started distancing myself from him and started alerting my husband to start distancing himself too back then, but my husband didn’t know why. I waited for the right time to tell my husband, because I was so scared for him.

CaptainHarley's avatar

For a small fee, I will come over and threaten them.
For a slightly larger fee, I will come over and break their legs.
: D

filmfann's avatar

He is a sociopath. Do not meet with him, regardless of how many are around.
Cut your losses, and cut all ties with him.

Jmoore921's avatar

@CaptainHarley LOL that was funny
@filmfann I totally agree with you! I did research on sociopaths and he resembles them so much.

CaptainHarley's avatar

LOL! So you think I was kidding? I’ma make them a offa dey can’t refuse: leave town ‘n live! : D

Jmoore921's avatar

@CaptainHarley LOL take the gun leave the canoli

Jmoore921's avatar

A quick update: my husband talked to this other coworker who was running his mouth around today. He politely said that he wants him to stop saying I’m Looney’s gf and this joke won’t be tolerated anymore. He understood and said he was not going to continue talking about it anymore. My husband said Looney first told this other coworker all kinds of stuff, that I was his gf, that I was hot, this and that, and now he is pissed off that things got out of hand. So really, Looney started it. But I guess it’s all over now, at least the guy with diarrhea in the mouth will stop talking about it. Hopefully this will make Looney calm down and forget all about it and go about with his life. Thanks guys for your great support and answers!

Answer this question




to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther