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kittykrumley's avatar

Has anyone lost a loved one to suicide?

Asked by kittykrumley (52points) April 5th, 2011

Hey guys…
I was wondering if anyone has lost a loved one to suicide, and how you guys coped? What helps? I’m not a religious person, but a spiritual one. Sometimes, I’ll read stories on NDE’s when a person close passes away, it seems to settle the earthly anxieties. I haven’t searched so much for NDE’s involving suicide, but I guess I could try. My heart and soul know that he is OK, but sometimes it’s hard for the head to accept in “this life.” He left us on April Fools, and I wish I knew why???

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11 Answers

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Yes, I have lost 3 people to suicide. I think it is the most difficult way to lose a loved one, because it leaves you with so many questions. And often guilt, a lot of “what if I could have said something?” or “maybe there was something more I could have done” type of thoughts.
I can’t offer spiritual advice.
I can say that allowing yourself proper time to grieve and adjust to your loss is crucial. Your questions may never be answered, and learning to accept that can take time. You are entitled to that time, and you owe it to yourself to take it. I’m sorry for your loss, I hope your heart heals quickly. (hugs)

RareDenver's avatar

Yes, I have and I shared the details here As far as coping? I know it’s a bit clich├ęd but time is a great healer

kittykrumley's avatar

Thank you…guilt is my big enemy here…I can think of times that I passed on hanging out with him because of my trivial problems…whether it was school, family, or just my bubble of repetition…Either way, this was a lesson learned. I will not let anyone in my life go without knowing that I love them so very much.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

@kittykrumley the simple truth of the matter is that.. that is life. We unintentionally pass on opportunities to spend time with loved ones. It happens all the time, even to the most considerate of people.
It can be easy to feel guilty about that when the option has been ripped away from you in such a tragic way, but that doesn’t mean that you have done something wrong. That is just a natural interaction between most people. It happens. It wouldn’t be healthy to always put other people’s needs and wants first. It is a startling reminder to make sure that people know how much you care, but feeling guilty over a very normal relationship dynamic isn’t something you should focus your energy into. I know that is much easier said than done, but it does help to acknowledge and accept that.

wifeysays's avatar

I was 11 years old when my father took his life, Seeing everything made me silent for years and the system got me and found my self adopted quickly into a family of abuse, I became more quiet then ever, The age of 15 I started to heal over time and came out with everything that happen to me over past but what hurt most of all is losing my father because I felt that is all I had. Healing for me to get through it was Forgiving because I felt my father was selfish for leaving his only daughter. Ya can inbox me if you have any questions.

Porifera's avatar

I have not lost anyone like that, but I think that when a person decides to take his own life, there is very little anyone can do about it because it has to do with their state of minds and being in a place so dark that it is very difficult for others to understand why. Feeling lonely, hopeless, desperate, etc. take over other feelings such as love for family and other joys. No one can do anything about it. It is nobody’s fault. There are a lot of things in life we just can’t understand, but they are certainly not our fault.

Judi's avatar

So sorry. I lost both a husband and a brother this way. I was a young mother (28) with three kids when my husband left.
All I can say, is allow yourself to feel the emotions that are going on and press on when you are able, give yourself grace when you’re not able.
My prayers are with you.

blueiiznh's avatar

First, I am sorry for your loss and those that cared about him.
I have lost two people who were close that way. In the aftermath you are always left guessing. You question so much and your mind just can’t comprehend this act.
Grieving is such a personal thing, and you certainly need to take the time to do this. It certainly does hurt your heart to ponder all this and what he must have gone through to get to that level. Many times they simply found no way out. Your head can spin in all the thinking about it. For whatever it is, know that it was something that you simply could not break through or could not change things. And certainly do not fault yourself.
I have also lost someone close in a plane crash and similarly, you just cant wrap your head around it all. In some ways the grieving was very similar.
Seek out some therapy and counseling to help.
Like you stated, know he is in a better place. In your grieving, take the time to talk to him in some way. You will get the answers to help you in some way.
Prayers are with you, Godspeed your grieving. This too shall pass.

wundayatta's avatar

My wife lost her first fiance to suicide. He was schizophrenic. He threw himself off the roof of the psychiatric hospital. She came close to losing her husband in a similar way. I’m bipolar and I was considering jumping out my 8th floor window.

She lost her fiance long before she met me, twelve years after that. She’d had a few boyfriends in between, but they didn’t work out. She’s never really talked to me about how she coped. I don’t think she feels much guilt. He was very sick, and it was his illness that killed him. Even being in a hospital couldn’t prevent his death.

It’s not your fault. Even if there was something you could have done, it’s not your fault. He is the one responsible, and it was his choice. He could have reached out for help, and he didn’t. Maybe he couldn’t. It was whatever was wrong in his brain that killed him. It takes a lot of intervention to keep someone who is depressed from killing themselves. If their condition is not diagnosed or ignored, there may be little that can be done.

I think understanding that it is not your fault can help you cope. As to why—it’s because he was in so much pain, he believed that only death would give him release from the pain. No one wants to commit suicide. They want the pain to stop. Often, when you’re that depressed, it seems like the pain will never end without being dead. That’s the way it is for everyone I know who has contemplated or attempted suicide. If you have more questions about that, I would be happy to try to help you understand. Or believe.

Coping is another story. Like others have said, only time will help. It’s worst now, and your own pain probably seems endless and impossible to cope with. It would help to see a doctor or a psychiatrist or a therapist (the first two for meds and the latter for talk). In fact, I would say you must see a therapist. You have to have someone to talk to about this who understands what is going on inside you.

There are also support groups for folks who have lost someone to suicide. These will be probably more helpful than anything else you can do. They truly understand, and they will share their experiences in person—very different from doing it here. Fluther is good, but support groups dedicated to the topic are so much better. If you can’t find a local support group, there are surely online support groups.

The rest is grief. Here, I advise you to let yourself feel it. Talk about him. Remember him. Do it as often as you can, with anyone who will listen. Explain to them that this is your process for getting to a point where you can cope with your grief. You don’t know how long it will take. You are not, however, using it as an excuse for anything. You just want help—someone to listen to your stories. You don’t need people telling you to get over it. If that’s what they will do, then you don’t want to be around them.

If you tell people what you want and how they can help, and the rules for your behavior, I think they will be able to support you better. Grieving is not something anyone teaches us in this society, but it is something that we know a lot about. You can read any number of books about the grieving process. I would encourage you to do so.

I’m sorry you have to go through this pain. I can assure you that eventually, it will grow to be a pale shadow of what it currently is. You just have to take it one day at a time. Just tell yourself that, for today… just for today… I can make it through. The next day, it’s the same thing. All you have to do is grieve for one day. At a time. It works. It really helps not to see this as a never-ending burden. It ends every time you fall asleep. Eventually, it will not start up the next day. Or if it does start up, it will be easily coped with.

The best of luck to you!

roxanna's avatar

yes i have lost a niece to suicide ,it was extra difficult because in her palm i could see a sudden end, she chose not to make changes in her life ,and time does help, eventually.

AngelsnAirwaves's avatar

I lost my baby brother… the day you posted the question… I still find it hard day to day. I started to see a “shrink” although I dont think I saw him enough for it to help. Im doing the best I can myself, yet theres not a day when I dont miss him like crazy. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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