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mazingerz88's avatar

How would you kill this vampire?

Asked by mazingerz88 (27514points) May 18th, 2011

Seriously, assuming vampires are real and you are alone in your place just after sundown and a vampire is out to terrorize you and end your life, not make you into a vampire at all, how would you realistically deal with this threat and kill this blood sucker?

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34 Answers

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lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I’d kill him with kindness.
Yes,that’s it.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille You could always serve him some of your meatloaf instead.

erichw1504's avatar

Make him/her a nice pasta dinner and secretly throw some garlic into the sauce.

rebbel's avatar

I would wake up.

MilkyWay's avatar

Pretend I’m a werewolf and howl at the moon.
Hopefully, he’ll get the message…

mazingerz88's avatar

Could I call 911? Or keep mumbling to myself asking where is Van Helsing when you need him?

MilkyWay's avatar

Okay, realistically, I don’t have wooden stakes, crosses or garlic garlands at home. So, I guess I’m dead.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@queenie Run to the spice rack and get the garlic powder.

WasCy's avatar

The whole vampire schtick is based on seduction, invitation and co-opting, not “terrorizing and trying to end your life”. Vampires according to the legend don’t try to “kill”, they attempt to seduce you into inviting them to make you one of them, one of the undead.

So a vampire that was attempting to “terrorize and kill” would be a false vampire. Kill it with a stick, a gun, @lucillelucillelucille‘s meatloaf or anything else that’s handy (up to and including a stake in the heart), but don’t expect garlic, sunlight or crucifixes to have any effect at all.

And by the way, I’m fully aware of the irony of the term “false vampire”.

mazingerz88's avatar

@queenie I was thinking the same thing. What else do I have in this house?!

Cruiser's avatar

If vampires were real I know I would be prepared to deal with them if and when. He wouldn’t stand a chance. I would tickle him with a silver plated Taser to start and while he was twitching on the ground I would call over my MIL who would scare the SOB to death once he came around.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Since I love vampires, I would seduce him and make him change his mind about turning me. No killing of the vampires! =0)

ucme's avatar

Garlic bread, choke on this ya dirty bastard!

TexasDude's avatar

I’d shoot the shit out of it with my Mosin Nagant.

The muzzle flash alone would probably disintegrate him, since it might as well be as bright as the sun, and if 5 rounds of 7.62×54 don’t dismember him entirely, I’ll just use the foot long bayonet as an impromptu stake to skewer him with.


wundayatta's avatar

A mirror, silver scissors and a three foot length of 1½ inch diameter lead pipe.

Yep. That ought to do it.

Oh. And a pizza, too.

SavoirFaire's avatar

I’d impale him on my bokken. I know plenty of kendo techniques that end with stabs to the heart.

Wooden swords are useful after all!

TheIntern55's avatar

Knives. Jab and twist.

FutureMemory's avatar

Under the orange tree.

MilkyWay's avatar

@FutureMemory <groans> Aw, come on! Not you too!

ddude1116's avatar

I would set my house on fire, smoke it out then blast it with an extinguisher then bash it in the face and cut its head off. Vampire skulls make nice household decorations, and if not, they sell for a lot of money.

mazingerz88's avatar

@ddude1116 Lol. Also thought of burning the house but was thinking what if it goes outside and just wait for me to run out?!

flutherother's avatar

I would phone Homeland Security if I could be sure Michael Chertoff wasn’t one himself.

Berserker's avatar

According to popular vampire mythology, a vampire can’t come into your home unless you invite him in. (in your details, the scenario puts us in our place, which is home, so) So I just wouldn’t invite him in, and he’d have to stay out there all night, and I’d be all like, haha loser. When the day rises, I find out where his tomb is, and then go there and stake his ass.

MilkyWay's avatar

@Symbeline I KNEW you would come up with the best answer! :D

TexasDude's avatar

@flutherother, I’ll see your Chertoff and raise you a Waxman

Though Waxman arguably looks more like the Phantom of the Opera than a vampire. Rudy Guiliani kind of looks like Nosferatu, though. Goddamnit, why are American politicans so damn freaky looking?

ddude1116's avatar

@mazingerz88 Well, you’d already be outside, one doesn’t set there house on fire from the inside, and now it would also be well-lit.

@Symbeline I’m incredibly impressed, using their faults against them, knowing your enemy and such.

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard It’s the Pinocchio effect. JFK seems to have been the only one immune to it.

filmfann's avatar

It is a little known bit of information that Vampires can be warded off with a cup of Hot Dr. Pepper.

MilkyWay's avatar

@filmfann Really?! Well then, I guess I’m not dead after all. Bring em on! I’m armed!

firebirdta's avatar

Simple solution to this question, taking it literally as it is stated. First, try telling her you are infected with Hepatitis C and other vampires have told you it gives your blood a bitter taste and see if that discourages her. If that does not work, do not invite her into your place and she cannot get you. Hopefully, she will get bored soon and head elsewhere looking for easier pickings and you could stalk and destroy her after dawn.

Okay, I guess I should have read all previous responses first. It appears that Symbeline beat me to the invitation part of my answer.

However, your question does seem to beg the question from me of, ‘How old are you?’ You do realize that since they are mythological creatures, you can make up what ever ‘legend’ you want to solve the problem, as stated, don’t you?

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