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Syger's avatar

[NSFW?]I have a sticky want-to-break-up situation, but no idea what the best course of action would be, any advice?

Asked by Syger (1384points) May 20th, 2011

I’ve been with this girl for about 4/5 months now, but recently I’ve been wanting out more-so than before (will be explained later). I’ve been feeling trapped, and I know that’s pretty much a sure sign that one needs to get out ASAP.
So some background and the like; the last paragraph is really all you need to read if you’re lazy. :o
She made out with me on the first date, and coaxed me into sex on the second- a day after saying she wanted to wait 3 months, and sort of forced me into saying “I love you” before I was ready. I wasn’t really looking for sex at all, but I let it slide because I was foolish. Things were great and eventually she tells me that she was a cutter, something I said I wouldn’t stand for at all. Awhile later in the relationship she was upset about something and was begging me to let her cut. I said no, she was angry about it claiming it was “her only release” and the like but ultimately as far as I’m aware didn’t for the sake of staying with me, along with her saying she was suicidal [I was close to ending it then but didn’t for whatever reason- in hindsight I should have bolted]. This happened again later but that time she said it didn’t count since she merely opened old wounds. She would often bring up how she wouldn’t ever stop loving her ex [which is fine, because I still care about my ex in the way that I don’t want her life to be hell]- except she would drop everything to text with him and would flirt with him through the texts. Later on my libido had dropped and she would throw fits about me not loving her because I wasn’t wanting to have sex all the time. This was worsened when I had gotten severe tonsillitis and strepp, when not wanting to shove my tongue down her throat/make out was added to this (I was severely sick, it’s not that I didn’t want to show affection). After recovering from the sickness. My libido hasn’t really come back since and it’s still an issue she brought up often; and always threw in the “it’s because you don’t love me anymore” card.

Now, we have had some great times and I have a lot of great memories with her, but she is clingy beyond my comfort, can’t take it when someone doesn’t feel the same way about something as she does, amung other things- despite all this I do love her, but I’ve found I just don’t feel the same about her as I use to. She loves me far more than I do; and my philosophy on love is that it’s like a scale, unless it’s even someone is always delusional, thus it won’t be a fair relationship- this bothers me because she is always going on about how she can’t live without me and the like.

Along with this there is someone else that I have started to become increasingly attracted to, and in my eyes have more compatibility. She also seems to be interested in me which makes me second guess most every thought because I don’t want that to put forth much bias to my decision, even though I had wanted out before I met her.

ANYWAY; here is where my problems with ending it come in.

I wasn’t able to do it today due to having made prior plans with her that she had been looking forward to for awhile- AND she’s moving a few hours away tonight for the summer for a job, so I didn’t want to do it today because she is pretty much forced to drive and it’s not fair to do that to someone before they essentially drive a multiple-ton bullet. I am hesitant as is simply because I don’t want her to harm herself or others; or make a stupid decision and end herself. She’s going to be living with her grandparents, and starting the new job tomorrow I believe. She doesn’t really have internet access, and doing it in person is for the most part something I’d rather avoid because of the issues stated earlier. I’d also rather not do it over the phone as I don’t really have any experience breaking up with anyone in the first place, and I absolutely hate talking on the phone as is- I have a weird anxiety with it. So I’m at a loss at how to do this, when to do this and pretty much everything about it. I have considered driving to her house and talking to her mom about it/ask her what to do, since she’s pretty cool but I don’t know if that’s appropriate past warning her about her self destructive tendencies.

So, I apologize for the huge chunk of text and hope making it tinyfont helps a bit, every bit of advice is greatly appreciated.
Thank you.

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23 Answers

King_Pariah's avatar

Dude, just drop her, tell her it’s over and get away from her, ignore all calls, all attempts from her to communicate. She is toxic, and although just simply telling her that this isn’t working out nor will it ever may result in a scene, it should be over with quickly, anything else and she’ll greedily suck up every last thing she can the parasite that she is.

If you don’t want to do it over the phone, fine, do it the first chance you get to do it face to face.

Syger's avatar

@King_Pariah; I feel she deserves a bit more than that at the least.
I also don’t want the split to murder the ties I have with the friends I’ve made while with her, so it being as civil as possible is ideal. Just doing that would likely cause her to harm herself; which I know I have no control over and can’t let myself take the blame for it unless I egg it on, but it would still wave a heavy toll on my head.

King_Pariah's avatar

@Syger just find the fastest way possible, she is not healthy nor is she healthy for anyone. If you want to do it politely, tell her that it has been a great time, you’d love to remain friends, but you can’t see yourself with her in the long run.

And btw, clean break ups are far and few between

stardust's avatar

Tricky situation indeed. You’ve already left the relationship in a sense. You just need to let her know that.
If you’re not into driving to see her and talk, then call her.
You don’t have to be harsh and I can tell you care about her a lot. You can leave her as gently as possible by letting her know that you care about her, respect her, etc and would like to remain friends (if that is the case, of course). You could bring it back to yourself by saying that you’re not in a place for a relationship at the minute.
It does sound like an unhealthy relationship so best of luck with it all

HungryGuy's avatar

You really should do it in person. If you fear that she’ll do something stupid, then drive to her after she’s settled in for a while. If you’re not comfortable on the phone, then write her an old-fashioned letter….

ninjaapantz's avatar

You could be honest with her and tell her that her behaviour is causing you to distance yourself from her. That she needs more than a relationship, that she needs counselling. You have to say this with empathy. That a relationship isn’t helping her situation and that this is beyond what you were looking for. Tell her you want respect and balance. This isn’t working. She needs a friend, not a lover. Love wouldn’t treat one another like this.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Tell her the truth. Tell her you feel the relationship has moved along differently for the two of you- you wanting to go slowy and what you feel from her as wanting to be very serious. Be truthful that you’ve never been and still aren’t comfortable with her not having worked through her cutting. Tell her you care about her but are feeling farther and farther from “in love” and want to be up front about it. People can care and it’s not love. People can love and it’s not the kind to be together. You’re probably doing her a favor so she can concentrate on herself and also be open for a better match.

Syger's avatar

@HungryGuy I would man up to do it in person, but I can’t really take a moped halfway across the state.

@ninjaapantz I have told her my concerns that her actions have been making be back off/distance myself. To no avail or real change past her getting upset at me for it.

blueiiznh's avatar

Your care and concern certainly shine through. It is obvious that it is not working and you need to do whatever it takes to not prolong this.
There is no easy way out. It is going to be tough on both sides, but dragging it out is tougher and just not right.
You may have even pondered that you can escape all of this because she is moving away.
Take control of your feelings and act on it because that is where your is.
It is pretty tough to argue against your feelings and the truth. You have written all the truth here and by working with that as a basis can stand firm.
You can’t save her, but can save yourself from this if you trust in yourself.
Sorry to hear about your turmoil and please give an update.
Prayers your way to find the strength.

chyna's avatar

You are not responsible for her in any way, shape or form. She is in control of her own life and making you feel guilty because you really don’t want a relationship would be wrong. You can’t worry your entire life over “what someone might do” if you don’t act according to their agenda. Figure out a way that is comfortable to you to end it and just do it. It’s not fair to either of you to hang on to a bad relationship. And you may be giving yourself too much credit. Maybe she won’t be devastated over the break up. She seems to have her ex on the string.

BarnacleBill's avatar

You’re not responsible for her. But jumping into a new relationship the week she leaves town isn’t cool either. Give her a week or two to get settled into the new job, then break up with her. If you want to keep the friends you made through her, don’t start dating the new girl right away. Make the break-up about yourself not having feelings for her because her personal issues are more than you can handle, and not about because you met someone better.

ninjaapantz's avatar

@Syger If you’ve told her your concerns and she isn’t doing something solid about it to change or at least start the process. Then she doesn’t need you, she needs a shrink. She’s being, manipulative, controlling, disrespectful and selfish. Engaging with her as long as this is her behaviour wont do much good for either of you. It would probably cause more long term mental harm. But you said she’s moving away, maybe she already know’s that it’s over and this is the way she’s chosen to act (out) when things are hard. She sounds like she’s been abused before. Unless you are strong enough, she’ll drag you down. You still sound young. Take it from someone that’s been in abusive relationships. Look after yourself first, then you can assist others where you can.

Syger's avatar

@chyna She spent most of last night crying how she wouldn’t get to see me all the time over the summer and saying how terrible it is to be broken up with and the like. She also was immediately crying when she was dropping me off earlier this afternoon. She had reportedly stopped talking to him all together but a few weeks later they were friends on Facebook again, after she said she hung out with his group of friends- and him. :s

@blueiiznh Thank you :)

@BarnacleBill I’m certainly not planning on jumping into a new relationship right away, I don’t even know if she’s really interested in me, but having hung out with/chat with her the little bit I have it made me even more sure that my current relationship needs to stop.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Just like ripping of a bandage, a clean, swift break is always the best, then. You sound like you have a lot of maturity and kindness.

gailcalled's avatar

IF this young woman is really suicidal or in some danger of harming herself, you must tell her mom or some other close relative. Don’t worry about the subtle niceties any more. Mom needs to know.

“I have considered driving to her house and talking to her mom about it/ask her what to do, since she’s pretty cool but I don’t know if that’s appropriate past warning her about her self destructive tendencies.”

blueiiznh's avatar

@syger follow what @gailcalled stated. Its not a good idea to try to call her bluff, but she sounds like she is controlling you. Her comments sound like she sees everything as a test to see how you react and a measure of your love. So controlling if it is.

Listen carefully, pay close attention, you are sadly a codependent of her it sounds.
Please take care of number one as she does not sound like she has you or her selves best interest in mind.

Syger's avatar

Thanks everyone for the advice, tomorrow I’ll see about talking to her mom and fill her in with my thoughts and concerns.

I’d still appreciate anything anyone has to say about the issue or tips on how to break up with her when it comes to doing it. In person’s nearly impossible due to transportation issues, and I know it’s what I “should” do- but it’s not really a viable option so it’s not worth bringing up.

john65pennington's avatar

I have not read any other answer(s) to your question.

First, you know and I know this girl has deep psychological problems. This should have been a red flag for you to exit on the day you learned of this. Surely, her parents are aware of her cutting problem. Yes or no? She is leaving you and this is very good.

How you tell her is up to you, BUT I would be a man and face her with the news. Do this for two reasons: 1, she may grab a knife and do destructive damage to her body. You willl be there to stop her. 2. She will take your news very hard and again, you will be there in person to console her.

Bottom line here is…..........exit as quick and as sane as possible with her. This is not going to be easy for either of you.

Make sure she has no weapons within her reach, when you break the news to her….IN PERSON.

BarnacleBill's avatar

@john65pennington, parents don’t always know if their teen is cutting. My daughter cut for almost a year before stopping. I didn’t know she cut until she stopped. She would use an exacto knife and cut her forearms and thighs, and wore long sleeve shirts and jeans all the time. Occasionally I noticed what looked like cat scratches on her arms, but it was never of a nature to set up alarms. It can be very subtle. She hasn’t cut since 8th grade, and has virtually no visible scars.

The intent of a cutter is not to kill themselves, but the intense rush pain provides at the instant of the cut.

Kardamom's avatar

This is a very unfortunate situation for all parties. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. You sound like a very nice person who got caught up in a very serious situation. Don’t let her make this your problem. Help her to solve her problem.

I think you should go ahead and drive her up to her grandparent’s home, but do not leave their house until you have first talked to the grandparents (either beforehand or when you get there).

You need to explain to the grandparents exactly what has been going on with regards to your girlfriend threatening to cut herself and threatening suicide. Let them know, in no uncertain terms that she has already cut herself in the past and you are very worried about her mental state.

Let them know, either in front of your girlfriend, or privately, that you are planning to break up with her because you don’t feel like you are in a position to take care of her. You should also contact her parents, either before this trip, or immediately after you get home. And tell them the whole story too.

People that are cutters, often go to great lengths to hide this kind of behavior from their parents, so the parents and the grandparents may not even know. Tell them how sorry you are and that you tried your best to try to help her, but you can’t in good conscience continue to date her under these circumstances and you hope that the family can get her some help.

I’m afraid that the best time for you to break up with her, is right after you have taken all of her things out of the car (but after you have discussed the fact that you are going to break up with her with the grandparents so that they can be on alert that she might try something drastic). If she tries something while you are still there, let her know that you are going to call the police or the county health department, then do it. Don’t fake her out.

Then, when you get home, you can write her a short, but to the point letter, of why you had to break up with her. Don’t even mention the flirting with the other guy or anything else except the fact that you came to realize very early that she had some serious problems and you don’t feel equipped to deal with them. If you love her, say so, but let her know that it would be best for both of you if you broke up for good and that she seek help. That’s it. Don’t get into anything more than that. You can also write in the letter that you will check in with her parents after a few weeks. If she tries to contact you, repeat what you said in the letter and get her off the phone quickly, then contact her family, immediately. This young lady needs to know that you are working with her parents and if she contacts you, it’s your responsibility to contact them (she is much less likely to contact you for this reason).

Like some of the others have already said, please take some time to consider your current girlfriend’s feelings when it comes to dating this new person. It would be a devastating two punch for her to find out (through the grapevine) that you’ve started dating someone else right away. Talk to the new woman and let her know the situation. You can let her know that you are interested in dating her, but for the sake of your current girlfriend’s feelings and for general decorum, you would like to wait at least a couple of months before you start anything.

Again, so sorry for this situation. I hope you will be able to get through it and not blame yourself, and that your soon to be ex-girlfriend gets the help that she needs. And good luck to you in any future relationships, you sound like a nice guy : )

the_sherpa's avatar

As others have stated, this is not a fun situation you are in. But, you did get yourself in it, and i trust you to be able to get out of it.
1. Practice saying no, to a request you make to yourself in the mirror or in your imagination. Or roleplay with a friend/family member.
2. meditate or ground yourself before the talk.
3. It sounds like you want some hand holding regarding the step by step actual conversation of breaking up .. basically, it goes like this.
“_______, i’ve got something to tell you that isn’t going to be easy, and I’m really nervous to have this conversation. Please let me finish all the way before you say anything, ok? I care about you very much (right here, she will already know what’s coming). I’m realizing that i am hurting myself in order to support you, and i just can’t do that anymore. Your x,y and z behaviors are of huge concern to me, and i don’t know how to support you as your partner. I have been pulling back because i don’t feel safe, and i don’t have the skills to help you without hurting myself in the process. i HATE to hurt you in any way – i know you’re dealing with a lot right now, but i can’t be your partner any more. i have been trying to take care of you, and now i have to take care of myself. I know that things are really chaotic and overwhelming for you sometimes. here are some online resources and/or suicide hotlines. You think that you need me, and it WILL SUCK for a while, but i know you are strong and can get thru this.”

Then, no matter what she says, you hold strong and don’t give in. It will suck A LOT.

it’s a crappy thing, but i’m happy to hear that you aren’t willing to hurt yourself any longer to help someone else. ulitmately, she has to be ready to do this herself.

i’m happy to answer if you have any specific questions..

Good luck, friend.

Syger's avatar

For those curious; to put it simply she was scarily calm for the whole thing and ok with it. She asked if I was serious about remaining friends, which I’m fine with as long as it doesn’t get weird.
Thank you for the advice everyone. :)

Kardamom's avatar

@Syger I’m glad to hear that. Did you talk to her parents and grandparents and explain to them that she’s been cutting and talking about suicide? Are you going to check in with them to find out how she’s doing? I hope she gets the help that she needs and that you are able to move on and find a better match for yourself. Good luck to you. : )

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