Social Question

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

If someone falls in love with you emotionally, and you want them really bad physically, how do you handle the situation?

Asked by Imadethisupwithnoforethought (14664points) July 10th, 2011

Assume they are nice enough, but you are not in a place to return love at the moment.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

37 Answers

FutureMemory's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought Can you elaborate on the situation?

chyna's avatar

I’m sure you know the answer to this. You shouldn’t lead them on by having sex with them. Even if you tell the person that you don’t want a relationship, only sex, she will have hope that you will have feelings for her if you are having sex.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@FutureMemory Assume you are physically very attracted to a person. You could watch them, say, do push ups in Japanese Cosplay gear for hours. And they would do it if you asked.

But they care about you, and you just aren’t in love with them. You like talking to them, but you don’t want a girlfriend.

King_Pariah's avatar

Before, I used and abused them, now I let them know that it won’t work because I just can’t return that love and if it means splitting a friendship because they can’t stop seeing me in that light, well so be it.

Pandora's avatar

My first real love just drove me hormones crazy. I was willing to give up my virtue for him. I could tell he wanted to sleep with me but he did something that is rare to ever see. He shot me down. He knew he could not return the feelings and he walked away. He knew that if I slept with him, I was commiting all of my heart to him and eventually I would figure he didn’t feel the same and I would feel devastated for being such a fool.
For this person, it will be making love to you and you making love to them. This will probably deepen their feelings for you, till they know different.
For you it will just be sex. You would at least owe them the truth before your relationship continues.
Personally, it would probably be better to walk away and find someone who isn’t looking for a commited relationship since you have no desire to be in one for now.

FutureMemory's avatar

Are you asking how to let them down? Or, whether or not I’d take advantage of their attachment to me? Still not sure I understand the meat of the question.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@FutureMemory would you let them down or take advantage or try to find a middle way?

FutureMemory's avatar

I don’t find sex without love very enjoyable. I would not take advantage of them. I would have to let them down I suppose.

Cruiser's avatar

Walk away until you are ready and available to return this ovation they have sent your way!

chyna's avatar

@Cruiser Not only GA, but PA, perfect answer.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I will not have sex with somebody I know wants more from me.

sinscriven's avatar

So are you just not romantically interested in her at all or are you not emotionally ready for a relationship right now? Either way you should decline gently, and be honest with the reason why.

As tempting as it may be to take advantage of someone who’s serving themselves to you on a silver platter it’s a really bad idea to take advantage of that. Her emotional attachment to you will only intensify if you fool around with her and you’re just playing with fire at that point by messing with someone who might go crazy on you, or by crushing someone’s heart because you wanted a piece of ass.

Trojans40's avatar

I don’t know if I am allowed to be poking my head in here, but what stopping you? You oblivious have feelings or care for this person in someway that you haven’t done “it”.

Or do you feel like it wrong?

Your_Majesty's avatar

Tell this person if he/she wants to become ‘friends with benefits’ with you. Or just ‘do’ him/her and prepare to be branded as jerk it that isn’t much of a problem for you.

Schroedes13's avatar

you already know the answer to the question, unless you a a total jerk! That is all!

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought…....Let me get this straight.

You find someone physically attractive and would like to have a physical relationship with them (and only that.) They are emotionally attracted to you, correct?

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@Schroedes13 I am asking how others handle it or have in the past.

@DarlingRhadamanthus I think you get the gist of the hypothetical

Schroedes13's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought then you know what others have done in the past, unless they were totaljerks!

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@Trojans40 I know what I am going to do. I am really curious as to what people have done or do currently. @King_Pariah seems to be sticking out as someone who has dealt with this and moved forwards.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

So you want to have sex with this person, but not fall in love with her or have her fall in love with you?

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

I just re-read your question….I could not do that…because if a man is interested in me romantically and I am not romantically interested in him….I just could not sleep with him. It would gross me out, frankly. I think it’s different for a man. I am more attracted to a man spiritually and mentally first, not necessarily physically. But the idea of having sex with a man that is loopy about me, and then saying, “Sorry, Tweedledee, but I’m out of here…” and then have him follow me around, stalking me and/or screaming at me that I “used” him would just be too scary.

Is this person a friend? A good friend? Or just someone that is new in your life and you find attractive?

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@DarlingRhadamanthus could be anyone applicable. Someone new in my life got me thinking along these lines. I just assumed other people had similar experiences and I am curious how they handled it.

MissAnthrope's avatar

In the past, I’ve turned a girl down that I knew was more emotionally attached than I was, even though she was offering a friends-with-benefits situation. I figured that was playing with fire and also unfair to her.

However, that was years ago and I’m a different person now. I think now, I would try to find a middle ground. I feel less responsible for other people’s feelings, and also, perhaps, that I should feel more free to explore my own happiness and wants. I would be very honest about it, in saying that I wasn’t looking for a relationship or whatever my limitations are, and let the chips fall where they may. Again, not really my responsibility if I’m clear about the boundaries, right?

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

Honesty always works best.

I’ve written before (in another posting) about how “friends with benefits” rarely works.


I’d be honest and tell the other person that I’m flattered, but that the relationship cannot go beyond something she wants, because I don’t have the same emotional feelings for her at the moment. If we let it continue, it would be unfair not only to me but to her as well, as I would be leading her on.

If at the same time I wanted that other person really bad physically, I’d just do what’s most practical——masturbate and get it all out of my system.

Kardamom's avatar

You wait.

ucme's avatar

I used to call this Hump & run.
A purely selfish act committed by a randy bugger in his youth…..ahh, carefree days.

JilltheTooth's avatar

Part of being a grown-up is behaving in an honorable fashion. That does not include a “fuck ‘er and run” when you know she has feelings for you and wants a relationship. If you’re old enough to be doing it, you’re old enough to be doing it with compassion and maturity. Man up and go find someone who wants the same non-relationship that you do. Just because you want it does not mean you’re entitled to it.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

I am surprised how this went.

@MissAnthrope has decided as she has matured that she cannot take resposnibility for the emotions of others if she is honest with them.

@JilltheTooth and @ucme, along with several others have matured into thinking that they are responsible for not letting others take actions that might result in them being hurt.

Thank you for your responses.

JilltheTooth's avatar

Ah, no, @Imadethisupwithnoforethought , you misunderstand. In no way do I advocate taking responsibility for someone else’s decision (in this case, the girl who has every right to say yes or no to your sexual advances, regardless of the consequences), I simply suggest that respecting her ability to make her own decision does not entitle you to behave like a dick-wad.

MissAnthrope's avatar

The way I feel about it is that I don’t go out of my way to be malicious or hurtful. Neither of these is my default.. my default is kind, caring, and respectful. So, my point is that I’m not being callous, I am just scaling back on how much responsibility I take for other people’s emotions and issues and such. In the past, I cared a lot and took a lot of responsibility and, frankly, it was very unhealthy and my own needs and mental health suffered as a result.

So, I figure that I am a reasonable adult. I know not everyone else is. However, if I’m upfront, honest, and clear about what the relationship is, where it will or won’t go, my feelings vs. her feelings, etc., I have done quite a lot to keep the situation above-board and the other person on the same page.

If they decide to proceed anyway, that’s their choice, right? I’m not responsible for her choice or anyone else’s. If it bites her in the ass later, that’s not to say I won’t feel bad about it to some degree, but I consider it a learning experience—how else are people supposed to learn what their limits and boundaries are, without experimentation?

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@JilltheTooth I want to get on the same page with you, because this stuff fascinates me.

If someone says I am very into you emotionally, and you think they are gorgeous, and you say to them “I think you are very attractive, but I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t feel the same way…”

If they say that is fine, they will take the risk, in no case do you think you should have sex with them? I understand @DarlingRhadamanthus objection, that they may become obsessive, but I am trying to understand your perspective clearly. Do you assume that they shouldn’t be allowed to take the risk?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Ok, so you’re not asking what we would do, you want to know if this worked out for anyone who actually did it?

No, I never did it with someone I knew liked me more than I liked them. I did do it with people who I knew didn’t like me as much as I liked them and not once did it go in my favor so I just wrote it off as a bad move and haven’t had that kind of disappoint since.

I guess I could have been more selfish in my single time and taken advantage where others presented it to me so easily but that kind of thing makes me feel like a creeper to think about.

JilltheTooth's avatar

OK, once again, I’m not saying anything about the other person’s right to choose or not to choose. What I’m saying is that I think it’s scummy to take emotional advantage of them like that. Yes, she is capable of making her own choices, yes, she should have the right to do that, yes, if you tell her exactly what the score is with your own lack of feelings it’s up to her to recognize that she may well get hurt if she sleeps with you anyway. And yes, I still feel that it’s a crummy thing to do. Hooray for you if you can walk away scott-free, feeling absolutely justified in your blamelessness, as you explained everything ahead of time. Unfortunately, it’s never that clear cut in those murky emotional waters, and you may leave someone bobbing in your wake who’s a bit battered. On paper it looks real good, doesn’t it?

Londongirl's avatar

OMG, no wonder we are in reverse situation!!!

Well, I think you need to be honest to her and tell her you only want casual fun or FB. Then as long as you are honest, it is up to her to make her decision.

As long as you are honest, then it is up to her to decide, you have no responsibility of her decision.

But I don’t understand guy like you why you attracted to her but doesn’t love her? To me sex and emotion go hand in hand.

Kardamom's avatar

@Londongirl I think a lot of men can easily separate emotion from sex. A lot of women cannot. That’s where the trouble starts.

It would be great if the people who only wanted sex (with no love or emotional intimacy or exclusivity) could find like minded people and only sleep with those people. Unfortunately that is not the way the world works. Some people who want only sex, don’t think about the repercussions of sleeping with people that want love and sex to go together. And some people who want love and sex together often think that by sleeping with someone, they can make the other person fall in love with them and want exclusivity and comittment. That rarely happens.

Better for everyone if they find people to date/sleep with that have a common love/sex/relationship goal in mind.

Londongirl's avatar

Karadamom: yes i agree with you totally… i think as long as you are honest then whatever decision you make it is all fair…

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