Social Question

rebbel's avatar

Let us make some funny air flight safey instructions?

Asked by rebbel (27843points) July 29th, 2011

Today I flew back to the Netherlands and of course the stewardesses entertained us with their pre-flight safety instructions.
Frequent flyers will recognize these as necessary but also quite boring.
In my mind I was finishing some sentences they started, and I thought about asking my fellow Jellies to come up with some too.
If you please, of course.

“Be careful, when opening the overhead luggage compartments, they might contain a hungry lion.”

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13 Answers

Bart19's avatar

“Please take your time to locate the nearest goldfish.”

mazingerz88's avatar

“In case of cabin pressure discomfort, press button for in-flight psychotherapist. Credit or debit cards accepted.”

zenvelo's avatar

“If you desire an in-flight meal, they are $5. Air sickness bags may also be purchased for $1 more.”

mazingerz88's avatar

“For your own physical and financial safety, please don’t ask for more peanuts. We charge you for every chew you make.”

_zen_'s avatar

For take-off and landing, it is recommended you either chew gum, suck on hard candy or give a blowjob.

Plucky's avatar

Whatever you do, don’t look out the window! (insert illustration of a cackling gremlin on the wing)

ucme's avatar

“If parents could place their children in the usual place, that’s right, along the wings.”

mazingerz88's avatar

@zen Ha,ha…hope those who chose to get a bj from whoever chose to give one doesn’t experience a bumpy landing!

Bart19's avatar

@mazingerz88 and @XOIIO

“When the gas masks come down please put on your own mask first before assisting those whose penises have been bitten off during the flight.”

mazingerz88's avatar

@Bart19 and @Bart19 Ha ha ha ha !!!

“And for those passengers gagging on a decapitated dick, push the red button behind the seat in front of you and a “spit a dick” here receptacle will pop open. Thank you kindly.”

Bart19's avatar


“Thank you for flying with Dickbite Airlines, the cheapest way to a childfree life.”

poisonedantidote's avatar

Hello and welcome to another scheduled flight to the Netherlands with AirInternational, please note that the no smoking and seatbelt signs are now on, a sure sign that this is certainly an old bucket of bolts we are all flying on, as smoking on aircraft has not been allowed since the 60’s.

Life jackets can be found under your chair, and your seat cushion may also be used as a flotation device. Should we experience a suddern loss in cabin pressure, oxigen masks will be deployed. In the event that a middle eastern man should become angry during the flight, if you are the one next to him, it’s on you.

Emergency exits are located to the back, sides and front of the aircraft, but good luck using them as we plummet towards the ground at 800mph.

In the event of a crash-landing, feel free to get off with each other and have some sexy fun, in case you have not noticed, the term crash-landing is an oxymoron and we are all going down.

Thank You.

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