Do guys always ask the girl he likes to be his girlfriend that up front?

Depends on the guy, some are that confident (or have just that big of an ego) and others may not and to avoid being emotionally hurt may play games, let what comes come, or never approach at all.

I just gotta ask: Are you a teenager?

It seriously depends on the individual guy. You should learn how to read people and body language; that is my suggestion.

relevant

@King_Pariah Make a lot of sense.

@Blackberry Teenager? is it supposed to be an insult to my question?! Is it that simple to read their body language you can tell he is or not? Is it that black and white and do older people like you can read all the signs?

@tom_g relevant?

@Londongirl Please read @tom_g‘s link :)

@Blackberry and Tom yes I did, but I like to ask whatever questions I like here it is kind of inspiration of life experience to discuss here… is it allowed?!!

Most guys are assholes anyway…

If he doesn’t just say something about it, the girl should just ask him if there is any doubt. But listen carefully to what his response is and accept it.

But most girls are bitchy too…

@Londongirl Yes, it’s allowed, and I wasn’t insulting you with my question :)

@marinelife thanks for your constructive respond! :) well, I’m not good at understand their hidden agendas. I usually just take their words on face value that is all, but sometimes, I feel their actions don’t match with their words.

@Blackberry Were you being cocky then!! HAHA :)

Not beyond the age of 15. I remember in junior high a boy would walk up to a girl and say “would you be my girlfriend?” But as men get older, it becomes a matter of seeing each other exclusively, rather than asking the question directly.

And with me it was a declaration of my seeing her exclusively, and her reply that she was seeing only me. And, with sex involved, we also spoke about letting each other know if that was to change so that we wouldn’t be practicing unsafe sex.

@zenvelo I think guys when they get older they have a lot of ego issues to take care of, so yes, I agree they don’t just come up with ‘be my girlfriend’ questions. But the exclusive dating thing a bit true that you wouldn’t want to have unsafe sex, exactly my concern too when I’m dating a guy and involved sex. I’m very health and safety person and don’t like my guy messing about with other girls and catch something.

@Londongirl : While I appreciate that you want different answers to different questions you have asked, @tom_g has a very valid point in that these questions are all quite similar to each other, and since so many people are regulars here you may not get different types of answers.
Re: “Most guys are assholes anyway…” and “But most girls are bitchy too…” maybe your unnamed “he” doesn’t much like girls who generalize like that.

@JilltheTooth I can tell this board has a lot of regulars and they know each other well and form a group of friends here….

@Londongirl : Which is not the point I was making. If people care enough to answer, they’ll follow up on other Qs of yours because they care. That was my point.

@JilltheTooth OK that is nice of some people here that care about my stupid questions haha… I do like to chat here cos I think some of you guys are cool…

I think younger guys in high school, and some really nifty guys that are super romantic would actually come right out and ask you to be their girlfriend.

With older people, usually college aged and beyond (until you get into the age where the couple may be divorced or widowed senior citizens and then they start to ask again) people just start dating and it’s pretty obvious to both parties that they are in a relationship, but maybe one or the other of them will ask or tell the other person that they want to be exclusive.

I think in your case, because you’ve had some past difficulties in reading people, you will need to tell the guy that you are interested in getting to know them first and that you ultimately want to have an exclusive, monogamous relationship. And be very up front about the fact that you don’t want to jump into a casual sexual relationship with them and find out for certain (over a period of time) if that is what they also want.

Unfortunately people get into casual sexual situations all the time, that might go on for quite awhile, but because the 2 people have not had any real conversations about the type of relationship that they want and need, it can appear to a naive young lady that she is in a real relationship, when in fact, the guy is just having sex with her. Lots of men can easily have casual meaningless sexual relationships with women. Lots of women find that very difficult and try to rationalize or believe or pretend that they are in a boyfriend/girlfriend monogamous relationship. When the girl finally says something, that’s when those types of relationships blow up in their faces, because the guy was only in it for the sex and then he will say something painful like, “I thought you understood that!”

Unless you have lots and lots of real conversations with people, early on, there can be no understandings, just (often wrong) assumptions.

You will need to be the one to do the asking. Example: “Nigel, are you interested in being in a monogamous boyfriend/girfriend relationship with me?”

@Kardamom I must tell you that the last guy or even this good friend guy, I was up front telling them I wasn’t interested in casual relationship at all, friendship first and then boyfriend. Trust me these 2 guys both were on the same page as me at the beginning, but as soon as the sex involved, they started to change a bit. At first it was fine, but may be they thought of something more serious, then pulled back. This is usually the pattern I experience. Not the type of unclear at the start.

@Londongirl No. Guys do not always ask girls to be their girlfriend up front. You probably knew that.

I feel like you think there are a set of rules to dating that everyone is supposed to follow. Or maybe that you wish there was a set of rules. But as you probably know, there are no rules. Every situation is different. Some guys might ask right away and others might never ask.

I think you should focus your questions more on specific situations then on generalizations. I think it will be more useful to you.

There are no rules in relationships. They all end up playing out differently. Guys have feelings, too. We don’t like getting shot down. Some guys, like me, will never ask you to be a girlfriend until it is already obvious that’s what you are. I don’t want things defined because I don’t want to be told it is different from what I want it to be.

Other guys are like you in that they need to have things precisely defined at all times. Today we are friends. Tomorrow we will be friends with benefits. The next day we will be exes. After that you will be my girlfriend. A week later we will be fiances. After that we well be exes again. Two weeks later we will be sitting on top of a pile of faggots waiting for Augustlan to light the match, since fluther will be utterly tired of our on-again, off-again relationship and they will have voted us off the island or something.

I know you can like someone instantly and be convinced you will be married to them one day. I’ve done it. I’ve generally known very quickly how I feel about someone. How serious I am. However, just because I am instantly serious about someone, doesn’t mean it will last.

I’m still not clear on what happened with my wife. I knew after a week that she would be my wife. Maybe it was three weeks. Very quickly, though. What I don’t know is when she knew. My sense was that it took her nearly two years to catch on. But maybe she knew sooner but was being cautious.

Let me suggest this to you. It doesn’t matter what the boy says or wants. What matters is your feeling. He can see he wants you to be his girlfriend on the second date, but until you agree to it, nothing has changed. You relate to him as you want to relate to him. If you decide you want to be his girlfriend, then hopefully nothing else will have changed. You continue to relate to him as you want to relate to him, except now you want to relate to him as a girlfriend.

This does not make any guarantee as to how you will relate to him tomorrow.

His proclamations do not obligate you to do anything. Even if you do say you are his girlfriend, that doesn’t mean much unless you define it. I would resist making such statements. Rather, I would tell him exactly what you think of him and what you want from him. Do you label the relationship. Just talk about specific behaviors and leave the reast

@wundayatta Thanks for that… I think you are right… I think to me, I am slow to heat up even though I have chemistry from very earlier on, I usually can be emotional detacted until I sleep with them, and that will get me falling emotionally deeper in a short period of time, so now I know. I really make an effort to not sleep with a guy too early too soon even chemistry is there.

I don’t usually have that strong feelings with any guy that I wanted to be his wife that early on, I usually like to take a bit of time and let him take the lead to show me how keen he is and I get to know him a bit before I develop feelings. That is just me I guess. So the more I hang out with the guy, the more I will develop feelings for him. Even if we start out as friend, it can still be develop as the emotional foundation for me is very important, hope that makes sense.

Just my personal experiences, yes.

@Neizvestnaya so your personal experiences are???

@Londongirl: My experiences are that each guy I had a relationship with was the one to ask me to date in the first place, to be his gf, to be exclusive, to propose, etc.

@Neizvestnaya lucky you :)

@Londongirl: No, not always. I can count many guys I wish had liked me the way I liked them. There were plenty I thought I would be a good match for but passed me by for who touched something in them I was benign of. It’s frustrating, sometimes embarrassing and lonely but when you have a hit/good match then it seems to fade the downers. You can feel like you’ve almost bought back time.

@Neizvestnaya Yeah, I agree I feel the same most of the time with the guys I really liked, not many but they all went to downers sadly…

I just don’t know whether I am going to “develop” feelings for someone or not. It happens or it doesn’t.

I’m not quite sure I understand how it works for you. Do you mean you need to get to know him a bit before you let feelings develop, or do you mean that feeling do not develop until after you have gotten to know him a bit? I think the latter is standard, but the former bothers me. I don’t like the idea of holding back on something natural. I know it is common for women to do that—after all, they seem to have to keep their goodies locked up, but I don’t like it because it seems so artificial.

I believe we should feel what we feel instead of trying to control it. Trying to control feelings, in my experience, is asking for trouble. I think it is perfectly find to try to control our reactions to our feelings, but it is sort of fruitless to try to control the feelings in the first place. They’ll come out one way or another, and if you fight them, they will come out in a way that isn’t good.

@Neizvestnaya I hope I have this wrong. It sounds to me like you play a passive role in this. It’s whatever the guy does that happens. If you like it, you say yes, and if you don’t, you say no, but it doesn’t sound like you feel you have any control. You can’t initiate. Only react.That seems nuts to me. I mean, if you like a guy who likes you, but then kind of move on down the road, why don’t you go after the guy? Why just let him go. Or is that just the way it is with relationships? Men initiate and women are helpless to do anything if it doesn’t go the way they want it?

@wundayatta Yes unfortunately, I@m the one who usually try to control feelings… I don’t let my feelings out or let the guy know usually until I am sure what he feels about me first. I guess we all don’t want to get hurt at the end of the day.

I think I also will let the guy I like go down the road if he doesn’t pursue too… I know I’m a bit passive on that too.

@wundayatta: You’ve got it wrong, yes. I’m not passive and I’ve made my share of plays for men but what I wanted to convey to @Londongirl of my experiences is that the only ones that panned out well were the ones where the guy made no mystery of wanting me to be his gf. Any man I feel I’ve had to “chase”, it’s just been a thing and not a relationship.

@Neizvestnaya I agree with you… if the guy I have to ‘chase’ then I think he’s not that into me… I would rather be with a guy who ‘chase’ me so that I know he’s keen to have a relationship with me.

Every guy I’ve dated let me know up front that they A)Wanted to date me B)were monogamous types of guys.

My husband & I dated exclusively for 7yrs prior to marriage. The first week we were dating he asked where I’d want to honeymoon if we ever did that.

You stating above Most guys are assholes anyway… is not helping people to take you seriously here. If you really think that, you need to completely change where you are meeting men. I rarely run into assholes or jerks.

@SpatzieLover If a guy I dated even the chemistry was so strong and I liked him a lot in a week he asked me that honeymoon question, it would surely scare the shit out of me. How could someone want to marry another person on first week?! Sorry I think that is not me, when I like the guy even a lot, I still need to have more dates/time to get the feelings developed into that serious stage of the relationship.

Like I said, I dated him for 7yrs…I move slowly. However, that said, I knew he was a stand up fella. I wan’t letting him go anywhere ;)

You are looking for monogamy but in the past have had sex on the 2nd date. How is that moving slowly?

@SpatzieLover No, not normally sex on 2nd or 3rd dates, only 2 guys I really liked in the past. One of that is the good friend I’m talking now… If the guy I like and he does try to make it fast, I will go with the flow and so far it kinda not working well. Some of them say lets see how it goes, and I let it go with the flow and as soon as sex involved then they changed their mind.

Yes, I will probably take more dates before involved sex in the future.

Depends on the guy. And since yours is playing a so called game for a while now it’s difficult to say for certain.
Some guys like to be direct and don’t bother to much with the ego… no pain, no gain.
Others don’t like to risk anything .. better safe than sorry. When you think he asked it he won’t say anything because you refuse he just replies .. “I didn’t ask you to become my GF!”

It’s complicated. Any relationship is complicated if the people involved don’t see eye to eye.

@Londongirl I hope this won’t sound like a stupid question, nor insensitive. What I’d like to know is what your feeling is about sex and the role sex plays in your relationships. A lot of women seem to use sex as a kind of playing card. They won’t give it out unless the guy shows some kind of commitment.

But there are women who like sex just as much as anyone else, and if they like a guy, then they may want to have sex pretty quickly—before asking for a commitment. A lot of women would disapprove of this. They think men only want one thing, and their job is to make the guy work for it. If you don’t make them work, the thinking seems to go, then they won’t value you once you’ve given it up to them.

But what if you want sex? What if you don’t know whether you want anything more with the guy? Wouldn’t you want to have sex without waiting for a commitment? But what if you want more, as well as wanting sex. Do you feel taken advantage of if you have sex and then he disappears? Like that’s all he wanted? Do you feel like you’ve lost the game, somehow?

I never got the nerve for the direct approach. I would always hint at it, and wait for the right moment.

It often didn’t.

@wundayatta good questions actually… get my thinking. Well, I used to hold up sex and I still do as much as I can. But sometimes if I like the guy too and may be I have sex without waiting for a committment… may be that is what going wrong so far. I do feel taken advantage of if he disappeared after sex, so far I usually dated for a while before they do so, and I must say I don’t have many sexual partners since I broke up just a few and all I still keep in touch as friends only this last one he just went disappeared on me and there was one a while ago but we were on and off for a year before he disappeared…

I think I do want more as well as wanting sex to be honest with a guy I really like.

Some guys I will try to hold back usually more on emotional side.

Yes, I do feel like I have lost the game so far with long term relationship with the guys.

@filmfann Yeah that what I feel a lot of the guys do that… so what kind of hint you give usually?

@Londongirl It makes me sad to hear you say these things. You might feel taken advantage of with regard to sex, but you could just as easily turn it around in your head and think you are taking advantage of the guy to give you something you enjoy. You don’t have to see yourself as losing the game. You could easily see yourself as winning—or see there being no game at all.

If you want a long term relationship—that doesn’t necessarily have to do with sex early or later. It has to do with the other person. If you have sex and they disappear, that doesn’‘t have to be about the sex. It is probably about the relationship. It is not necessarily a mistake to “give it up” too soon. You don’t know if that’s why the boy disappears. And if that is why he disappeared, isn’t that good to know? What have you lost to find that out? Nothing. In fact, you had a good time and a good connection, even if it only lasted a short while.

It’s all how you look at it. It doesn’t have to be the traditional way. You don’t have to beat yourself up for giving it up to a guy who isn’t together enough to feel like he can handle a relationship with you. Guys can be very wimpy when it comes to relationships. It’s hard for me to see how they win. In my mind, it is usually the women who win, unless they somehow turn it around on themselves and decide they are loose or something, and that having sex means they have no self respect. It doesn’t have to be that way.

@wundayatta I usually have sex with a guy who I’m interested in a relationship. I can see what you are trying to say here. But you are talking from guys point of view which is good, and from some other ladies giivng me the comments they all told me I should withheld sex until they want a relationship with me and I find it hard nowdays with guys to do that traditional way to be honest. I do appreciate a guy to talk to me when it comes to the end though instead of just ignoring me expecting me to take the answer and leave. It is the matter of respect to the girl he is with really.

But how do I know when the guy is playing game lying about for long term relationship potential but in fact they are just looking for short term? This I always find it hard to tell.

My point is that you have control over whether that matters. If you don’t give the guy the power to decide about the relationship, then he can’t take anything from you. You’re the one who decides the conditions under which you want sex. You can take advantage of him, if you want.

@wundayatta Hmm. OK I have guys giving me pressure really, like they think I’m not that interested so that I’m not having sex with them on 3rd date or so… I did say that to a couple of guys before and they said I should go with the flow… In what way I can set my rules?

No rules. Rather an individual response to an individual. If you don’t want sex, you don’t have it. Rule-based thinking gets you into issues like this. You keep asking for rules, and you get the responses you get. As if there are rules. There are only rules if you believe in a religion or if you are willing to do what other people tell you to do.

But you can make up your own criteria for living your life. Do you want to please others or do you want to please yourself? I think that pleasing others is important to getting what we want, much of the time. But it areas like sexual morality, there is much that isn’t helpful.

Our rules should protect us from harm. But some harms are only in our own heads. The harm of having sex with someone who doesn’t love you is only in your head. Unless you don’t take proper precautions and you get pregnant or an STD. But if you’re on the pill and you use a condom, you have a high chance of no problems that way.

So after that, you are the only one who can make yourself feel bad about what you did. It’s your choice. If you want to beat yourself up for being a bad girl, then do it. I don’t see the point, but a lot of people do it. Many women don’t mind having sex with friends and don’t expect a long term commitment. Or even if they are looking for one, they can still have sex and not feel cheated if they don’t get a long term commitment. It’s because they are in control of their choices.

If a long term commitment is important to you, then get that first.

For me, sex is inextricably related to love. But I feel love easily and quickly. I am a passionate person. I love easily. This may or may not mean a long term commitment. I can not predict that (and in any case, this is all theoretical). But I am always serious when it comes to relationships and to love. There are still no guarantees. I can want a ltr, but that doesn’t mean it will happen.

I follow my passions. As Joseph Campbell would say, I follow my bliss. Especially in matters of love. I think we need to be our own strongest advocates. We can’t put our futures in the hands of other people. When you wait for someone, that’s what you do. You lose control. When you wait for someone to ask you or to indicate a desire of an ltr, that’s when you lose. You lose control of your life to a guy. You’re free to do what you want and if you want to do it that way, you’ll be in good company. That’s what many women do. I don’t approve, but who cares what I think? Maybe it’s a male idea to be in control of your life—to be proactive instead of reactive. But I don’t think so. I think women can be strong and I like strong women better.

You’re young and you can still be who you want to be. There are many older women here who have made their choices. They are nice people, and I think they think they are exercising control over their lives, but I don’t see it that way. I think they have given up by letting men choose, and they react to the choice. Instead, they could go for what they want. But they kind of have to ignore what society thinks they should do. They have to allow themselves to be what so many people think of as “bitches.” “Ball busters.” I think women should give up passivity and take control of their lives.

This all happens in the head. On the outside, it can look the same. But the difference on the inside—proactive vs reactive—is the difference that count.

@wundayatta Interesting points, thanks! Well, nothing wrong with friends and benefits, but as long as the guy is honest about from the start. In that case, he is being a gentleman and be honest then I can make my decision My problem is with a couple of guys I liked they told me they were after relationship, one even said we were couple the day before he dumped me!!! In that case, I can no way to control as I cannot read other people mind if they are lying or not. You know what I am saying?!

I am very honest to guys, if I have chemistry they tell me they liked me I will tell them how I feel. A few guys I don’t feel chemistry, I tell them too. At least we are being fair to each other. What I really dislike about guys or girls are those who play game to get you or manipulate you to their advantage and then ignored you or dumped you. I think it is more moral issue on individual rather than my own standards or rules.

@Londongirl Ah, yes. If they lie—that’s a problem. You know what? I rarely, if ever trust a person’s word until I’ve known them for a while. I guess guys might tell a girl they like her when they just want sex, but if a girl tells me she likes me right away, my instinct is to wonder what’s wrong with her. My next idea is that she doesn’t have very good boundaries.

I may like a girl right away, but I assume she needs to know me better before she trusts me. After all, that’s what I need. Sometimes things go really fast, but that’s because she seems to be being very open. Still, I have to make an assessment—is she being open because she trusts me, or is she being open because she doesn’t have good boundaries or is she being open because she wants something from me (other than a relationship). I have often been suspicious of women mostly due to low self esteem. I.e., if she acts like she likes me, there must be something wrong with her.

But my point is that I never take someone at their word for really important things until they’ve proven trustworthy in many other ways. This can happen quickly, but it doesn’t often happen quickly, and in many cases, I am so picky that nothing every happens. Thus I have few friends.

But these are my criteria. I’m not asking anyone else to tell me if I can trust someone. I am trusting my own judgment. Sometimes I make mistakes, but I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t think it is wise to ask someone else to interpret your experience for you. I think it’s fine to ask other people what their experience is. You can learn from that. But to ask them t tell you what someone else (who they don’t even know) is doing or thinking is unwise. You are the only one who can know, and who can assess these guys. You will be better off learning to trust your own judgment, rather than running your life by some idea of what conventional wisdom says. I find that conventional wisdom is difficult to use effectively because every situation is different. But people try so hard to get individual situations to fit conventional advice, and that doesn’t work well, I don’t think.

@wundayatta Ture everyone is different, and every situation is different. But I like to see other people view, so that I can make my own judgements. when a guy says to me he likes me a lot and seems to be keen and when I like him too, I will open my heart and take risk. Perhaps I open my heart too fast and get hurt, which I need to look at in the future. This particular guy recently was really a shocked as I really didn’t think he would be disappeared on me just like that. My wrong judgement on him really.

This study that Aethelraed linked to in another question of mine should interest you. It says that casual hook-ups can lead to serious relationships that are just as happy as relationships where people wait before getting physically involved.

… couples who became sexually involved as friends or acquaintances and were open to a serious relationship ended up just as happy as those who dated and waited.

@wundayatta Sure,but there is a risk that it would end up just a hook up though…

True. No guarantees. All I’m saying is that hook-ups are not as bad as people seem to think they are.