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partyrock's avatar

How can I get over being hurt and abused in the past ?

Asked by partyrock (3870points) October 1st, 2011

I keep going to the past. It makes me feel guilty even more that I should let him go, but I don’t know how. Every day I keep thinking about different events that had let up to know. More so I also think about the girl he cheated on me with. I go back to her picture, his picture, and I keep replaying things in my head. I want to let my past relationship go, and also the abuse I suffered from him. I’ve tried to go to the movies, sit alone, walk outside, start school, but I still keep thinking about him. Even though he’s done immense amount of trauma to me, I still can’t let him go.

I want to find it in my heart and soul to forgive and let go. I don’t even want to remember, or remember her either, and I’m afraid I might bump into them one of these days.

How do you get over an ex, and more so how do you get over a relationship that was very violent and abusive ? I know he hurt me physically, mentally, emotionally – so it should be easier to let him go because I KNOW he is bad, but I don’t know why It’s so difficult.

I don’t want to remember him or the past I had with him, I just want to let him completely go, because I feel like he is drowning my soul.

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15 Answers

partyrock's avatar

I also get confused by how he was so abusive to me, and treated me lower than dust, but he acted like a nice and normal guy to his family, friends, neighbors, and co workers. He’s drugged me, suffocated, hit, punch, cheat, lie, bruised me black and blue, pushed me to the floor, and also mentally tortured me… But to the outside world he is a gentleman, kind, loving, and a “good guy”. I started to believe it was ME who was crazy and needed help, he also used to convince me I was the abusive one, and it was me who was hurting HIM, not the other way around.

partyrock's avatar

I know there is no way I can undo the past, or forget the past, but I’d like to grow as much from this as possible and just move on. So far I have not been successful at it. I want to stop thinking(and checking up) on him, her, the other hers, and just move on….

Aethelflaed's avatar

Try getting some EMDR therapy so you can stop reliving all the painful stuff again, and move on to a place where it’s like “this really horrible thing happened to me, but I don’t think about it all the time, and am more focused on the future”.

augustlan's avatar

I’m sorry you’re going through this. People who have been abused in a relationship often have mixed emotions about their abuser. I strongly recommend therapy to help you sort it out and move beyond it.

Londongirl's avatar

Sorry to hear that and I feel for you as I was in similar situation with an ex which he left me for another girl 6 years ago. He was lying and cheated on me still didn’t admit it even I had his solicitor confirmed. At first I found it hard to adjust mainly I was so used to have partner with me, but when time goes by, the more I feel such a relief to have left such toxic relationship. Now I am very happy and learnt some mistakes from it and move on. I don’t think of him at all. But it took me a year to start to ‘live’ again and it takes time. I start dating guys who treat me much better now even the worst ones,

wiseacre's avatar

Get as comfortable as you can, and let you mind just roll, not directed on anything (when something occurs to you and it slips away amongst the other thoughts.). After you are there, start deep breathing, in through the nose and out through the mouth and try to visualize where all that air going in goes (the sinusses delivering oxygen to the brain, the Eustacian tube in the ears, the throat, the lungs the bronchial tubes). Then think of these same things as you breath out, and know that you are delivering oxygen, and getting rid of carbon dioxide.
At the point of 5th deep breath, keep breathing like that, and immagine that you are walking in a field with hills on each side. Then, as you are walking, know that all your memories are of moments that are all behind you. STop, turn, and notice all those moments in types of bubbles. Then try and ask yourself “How many of these have judgements in them” and see if they might rise at all. Use this to see that most of those judgments were made without all information.
As soon as you are able to do all this it will unlock things inside you that you knew nothing about, and for many, it has made them happier and more forgiving; experimented with on me, in rediscovering it (it is an ancient ancient practice) and I have seen it work with my neice and a few friends.
Reply if you’d like to discuss further.

YARNLADY's avatar

You can’t get over it. You just have to choose to ignore it and be happy. Don’t let other people decide for you how you are going to feel, take responsibility for yourself.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

It is a vital part of the psychology of the human being to not “rid” but instead to replace.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to remove anything without first having something that counters that energy to replace it with.

You have to therefore not simply seek to cut away a negative thought or compulsion, because it is simply the way the brain works to attempt to hold that placement as a part of the psyche itself. The brain holds on to the event itself, and don’t assign it to negative or positive, but instead as a portion of a fabric holding together the psyche itself.

If you simply remove something and leave a void, the entire fabric of the psyche shatters and become fractal. *Which is how they believe scitzophrenia actually happens, it is an event of the inability of time to be properly processed due to missing instances of event and causation. Meaning that they have little to no concept of cause and effect according to time because portions of the psyche have become damaged to such an extent that there are actually missing portions of the psyche itself as a whole.

If I asked you NOT to think about something, that would, because of the way our minds are hardwired, be exactly what you would focus on uncontrollably by compulsion. Meaning those things that we seek NOT to focus on by telling or asking ourselves NOT to think about negative things, that is exactly what the mind does as an act of the self preserving mechanism of the mind itself in its attempt to hold together its own existance in perception and perspective.

If you instead, with intent, take that negative thought, acknowledge it and then instead REPLACE it with it’s countered positive. By this you instead of removing it, replace it with something the psyche can use as a form of continiuty in demonstration that acts to maintain and hold together its own process.

It;s likened to removing a part of your registry in your computer without knowing what it is attached to. Negative program or positive, without it, other surrounding memories will inadvertently be adversely effected as well.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

*Sorry for the typos… I just noticed tham and I can’t go back in and fix them now.

Helpr's avatar

Forgiving is as releasing prisoner from prison, and realizing that prisoner was you.
Besides that, look to the future. Break rearview mirror.

Moegitto's avatar

Like people already said, your past is what actually makes you. Your past is information, but it’s you who decides how to use that. I had a horrible past and even know I’m still dealing with it, but I use the negative to look myself over everyday. In the military we had a saying, your first NCO is the person that determines the type of NCO you will be. What they meant was, if we had a Butthead for an NCO, most times you’d turn out to be a nice “friendly” NCO, trying not to be like that NCO you hated. I normally always look at myself with negative goggles on, but when I think about my past, I always remember “that time I wanted to curse out the girl for turning me down, but I didn’t” or “That time my friends stole $3 from my room, but I just asked him for my money back”. I look at situations like that and realize that regardless of how much people hate me, I’ve proven to myself and in Gods/the Creators eyes that I’m not a bad person. Then I normally feel better.

Shippy's avatar

I’m sorry this happened to you. I’ve been abused in different situations over a life time. Probably because I did try to forget. Now I do remember, and it keeps me safe, from people like them. It reminds me of where I never want to treat. In that dizzy, dark passageway of fear.I just will not “go there”.
Even a psychiatrist said to me “Why do you say NO, so often, it makes you appear obnoxious”
I say No, because I always said yes, by allowing people to tread on me, abuse me, use me until I was simply empty. So now, if I don’t like it I say NO. I say it quite fervently, and I get into trouble with it a lot. But I think if people call me difficult, or obnoxious to a large degree it is because I do not fit in with their agenda.
Now at age 50 I have my own agenda, for me. I followed all others agendas for far too long. So yes, I do remember, but it hurts much less. Time is a great healer they say. it is true. But logic is formed from experience.

snapdragon24's avatar

@partyrock I know exactly how you feel. I think my ex was just as bad, if not worse. The only reason why I couldn’t get over him for so long and the girls he cheated on me with is only because he made me feel one-hundred million emotions and eventually our relationship became disgustingly obsessive and destructive. Also, being young and naive doesn’t help. I was around 17 when I met him, but you can’t blame yourself for innocently falling in love with a manipulative asshole. It happens. I got stuck for three years with him and it took me four years to forget him…with the help of therapy, family and friends. That didn’t stop me from dating other guys and find my inner beauty. You need someone strong enough to heal you and who won’t judge you.

…Its not love, TRUST ME. Maybe you do love him but he isn’t someone who knows what love is and has no kindness for women…so don’t be jealous of other girls. Feel sorry for them and feel sorry for him too, because people like him will never taste the beauty of a healthy relationship. He is a constant screw up.

And what is happening to you now is obsessive thinking. Boy am I familiar with that. want answers and you know what…there is not much you can say about people like him…and most of all, its not about forgiving him…its about forgiving yourself and letting go. By doing that, you can properly move on. Don’t feel guilt for loving him, don’t feel guilt because your a kind person who fell under the wings of a monster, don’t blame yourself for not being stronger…that will come with time.

partyrock's avatar

@snapdragon24 That really helped and your response really touched me, thanks so much. Great answer and I’m glad you are feeling better too :) <3

snapdragon24's avatar

I really hope that helped :) just know your not alone and that you can get through this! You seem to feel better! Keep it up and someone better will come along! Xx

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