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Bellezzz's avatar

Would you consider this obsession or idealization?

Asked by Bellezzz (98points) November 23rd, 2020 from iPhone

Hi everybody, so my boyfriend and I had already talked about this and we kind of sorted things out, he apologized says he loves me and it was “ never with the intention of anything“ he said he felt comfortable speaking with me about it and so on, so I decided to give him a chance and start from there but recently I found out some things I didn’t know of which I don’t know what to think of, I have gotten many advice from other forum, to just DUMP HIM and move ON!! (I don’t know if you guys would advice the same, or give me a different point of view).

Below these lines I will give a brief explanation of my general situation, please read!! The paragraph that begins with a small ASTERISK (*) IN  THE FRONT is where I tell what I discovered recently.

Around August 2016 my now boyfriend as an engineer that he is, started working on a luxurious residential building on the beach where he met this girl that caught his eye big time, he has talked to me about this girl a couple of times now ( last time was February 2020).So when he spoke about her to me, he always said how beautiful, model looking this girl is, that she had all these rich men sending her flowers etc, and that all the men that lived in that building were after her. He even said she had a coke bottle body , (she is a slim girl with a normal body but does not have an amazing figure as he claims she has).
Why in the world would he even exaggerate this woman’s attributes when I have seen some of her pictures and I know he is in fact exaggerating them, this woman is attractive, pretty, works in a nice place, maybe this make him see her even more interesting but nothing as he describes her to me.

They began to fully talk more around Jan-Feb 2017 , they never ended up having a real relationship ( I wouldn’t even say DATING for this matter) but I feel that he IDEALIZED their ”THING” way to much and was deeply falling for her, to the point where he even called her BABE (as I saw in some conversations of the things I came across, More details  shown below and I repeat they didn’t even have a relationship/dating, ( she had gone through a break up with her past boyfriend  and then while talking to my boyfriend she found out that he cheated on her ( I couldn’t resist on seeing their conversations, especially this being a situation that had been eating my head all along, I will repeat this word but he seemed very obsessed/infatuated with this woman.

* So most recently I discovered he has an album of her and this other girl he dated after her on his mobile gallery ( hes still has these 2 album on his mobile gallery) So recently I was working on an external hard drive he gave me to save and organize like around 10,000 pictures from his work( I help him out with his job due to high volume of work and he pays me) and I believe he had forgotten or thought he did not have those backup there I have no clue (YES MY BOYFRIEND IS VERY DISPERSE LET ME TELL YOU, FOR MOST OF THE TIME, HE HAS NO IDEA WERE HE KEEPS THINGS, HE LOSES THINGS EASILY, YEAH YOU GET THE PICTURE RIGHT!) but I saw this girls name on a folder with literally 4 more folders inside ( with pictures of her, some pictures of the times they went out together, like 4 pictures of her in sexy lingerie ,( nothing too revealing), and screenshots of their conversations history on Facebook messenger.

If you see the conversations you will see that he was literally throwing himself at her) this woman told him on various occasions, that she was heartbroken by her breakup plus finding out she was cheated on, so she did not want to date, neither play with him or hurt him, she was grieving and not ready, she wanted her space, nevertheless my boyfriend at that time kept on insisting that he was a great man, that he would respect her and love her deeply, that he loved her

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10 Answers

jca2's avatar

If he was my boyfriend at the time this happened, I would be done with him.

What you typed is very long and I didn’t read the whole thing, so it wasn’t clear whether or not he was your boyfriend at the time.

LostInParadise's avatar

How recent are these newly discovered photos and messages? Were they created after you spoke to your boyfriend about what was going on? In that case he went back on what he promised, and you should dump him. If not, you should tell him what you found and why you feel uncomfortable about it.

Bellezzz's avatar

@LostInParadise , Hi it was after he stopped talking, if he created those files and he keeps them in backup it’s not because he forgot it’s because he knew exactly what he was doing and he wanted to do it for whatever reason. If not you don’t create folders with names and dates for nothing that’s bs.

jca2's avatar

He sounds shady. Fluther advised you to dump him in the past.

I’d be done with this crap.

LostInParadise's avatar

@Bellezzz , Technically, he did not go back on what he promised. You should tell him what you found and tell him that he must get rid of it. It does seem like a shaky relationship, but it may be worth one last try to salvage it. It is really important that you should be able to talk about these things and be willing to listen to what the other person has to say. Being able to communicate is an essential part of a relationship.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Just a consideration to think on:
Perhaps it was staged for you to “discover” those files on purpose?
And what for you ask?...To let you know ( in his own mind) that “HE” is a good catch?
He obviously is playing games with numerous women and you are just another one to fool.
Get away from this “player” and find a more decent man.

Jaxk's avatar

Sounds like this guy is loose and stupid. I can’t imagine a guy telling his current girlfriend how beautiful his last girlfriend was. That’s just stupid. I’m normally pretty tolerant of the stupid mistakes guys make but this is beyond the pale. If I dated a girl that told me how handsome her last guy was, I’d send her packing.

Bellezzz's avatar

@Jaxk I know, every person I have told this to, tells me that this guy was weirdly and extremely impressed by this woman. It’s like he began to live again after he divorce from his now deceased ex wife.

I know this girl worked in a nice environment luxurious building and was pretty and attractive but the way he has portrayed her to me is like she is the most beautiful woman he has seen or that lives, and we all know that is not true at all.

He says she looked like a model and for real that she was really precious and had amazing figure and blah blah blah.

I feel he also has exaggerated this fling with this woman to make him and her seem more interesting.

Plus who in their right mind takes their actual girlfriend ( including OTHER GIRLFRIENDS to building were this “ out of this world girl”works and were they obviously met.

Bellezzz's avatar

@LostInParadise, these folders were created before he met me, BUT everytime his phone reset he would do backup on all if these things again ( every time it happened) so obviously he did not want to lose any of those pictures and tons of screenshots of the conversations between them.

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