Social Question

partyrock's avatar

Is it a bad idea to wait until I lose more weight until I meet the guy I like ?

Asked by partyrock (3870points) December 11th, 2011

I’ve been talking to this man I really like but I’ve been holding off meeting him until I lose about 15 pounds.. Is this a bad idea ? I want to look good for him, and I’ve been using this as a sort of motivation to get me going. I’ve been wanting to lose weight before I met him so it’s not only all for him. Could this be a bad thing if I wait too long until I meet him ? He doesn’t know this.

Every time that we talk, we talk about hanging out, and I put it off. He doesn’t know that the reason why I don’t want to meet is because of my weight. I just tell him excuses like I’m not in town, etc. I think it will take me about 2 months to lose the 15 pounds.

I want to look super hot when I meet him and I feel like it will give me better confidence. But could it back fire if I don’t meet him soon? Things seem to be going good in place and we’ve been talking for a few months now.

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44 Answers

chyna's avatar

It’s good to have motivation to lose weight, but to put off meeting someone you like because of it is not a good idea. If he likes you already, he will still like you at your present weight. If not, he wasn’t worth having.

partyrock's avatar

@chyna – I want him to see me at my best though. I feel like if I meet him right now at my current state I’ll feel too insecure.

JLeslie's avatar

Two months is a very long time to stall. How about make it after the holidays in January and lose 5–8 pounds, which will probably take you down a size. The longer you wait, the more chance he dates someone else and loses interest in you. Plus, it’s likely you will gain the weight or some of it back (sorry to be negative, that is just a generalization) so if you are much thinner than what you usually weigh it’s almost like a lie, and you won’t know how he feels about the real you. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for putting your best foot forward, and I encourage you to lose weight, assuming you are overweight, and not aneroxic, for your own health, but really trying to be very different for someone is not something I would advise.

Seaofclouds's avatar

I wouldn’t continue putting off meeting him while trying to lose the weight. He could lose interest or give up. Also, while I understand wanting to have him meet you at “your best”, what happens if you can’t keep the weight off? Then he may think you instantly stopped taking care of yourself because the two of you met and that could be a turn off for him.

partyrock's avatar

I’ve gained about 15 pounds. I should weigh 120, but weigh 135 right now. I’m scared of meeting him and him being put off by it. Because of my pics on Facebook, was mostly when I was skinnier (about 15 pounds lighter). That’s why I want to lose weight before I see him.

And I know that if I put off meeting him, he will most likely find someone else or lose interest.

But I don’t want him to lose interest in me either, when he meets me right now.

blueiiznh's avatar

Met him as you are. Just be you. While I understand what you are trying to say/do, I would recommend just meeting. He should like you as you are. Certainly you want to look your best and you will.
Do you think you are putting that 15 pound loss in there as a reason to delay it or not do it?

Go for it or you may miss the opportunity.

partyrock's avatar

Technically me and him are just friends, but I have a puppy crush on him so I want to look good. There is attraction between me and him (from what I feel) but for the most part we are friends. When I meet him we’re not going on a date. It’s just to meet up and hang out.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@partyrock Do you know what caused you to gain the 15 pounds? If it requires a major lifestyle change to maintain the decreased weight, will you be able to stick to it and keep the weight off? Chances are, you will gain the weight back, especially as you get older. If he’s shallow enough to not be interested now, do you think he’ll remain interested if you gain the weight back once you lose it and meet him?

JLeslie's avatar

@partyrock I hold to my answer. Telling him after the holidays makes some sort of sense. Just putting him off will be odd. Let’s say three weeks, two pounds a week. Change your profile photo to a newer one.

abysmalbeauty's avatar

if hes worth knowing he wont care about the 15 lbs

partyrock's avatar

@blueiiznh – Thanks that sounds good.

partyrock's avatar

@JLeslie – But I shouldn’t tell him that the reason I don’t want to meet is because I want to lose weight first right?

partyrock's avatar

@abysmalbeauty – That’s true too.

CWOTUS's avatar

It’s good to have the motivation to lose weight, and if you’ll be healthier at a lower weight, then you should certainly do that, regardless of whether you meet this guy or not. Do what’s healthy for you, period.

What I’d be more concerned about is your habit of lying about your reasons for not meeting him already. That’s not so cool. When the truth finally comes out you will have demonstrated to him that “it’s okay to lie if it means I don’t have to admit the truth about something that is embarrassing to me.” That is particularly not cool.

JLeslie's avatar

@partyrock Right, don’t tell him. He will tell you it is a stupid reason, or wonder if you are huge. The holiday excuse is to by you a little time like you are already very busy with family plans and obligations, or something. I just added to my previous post to change your profile photo a couple of times.

partyrock's avatar

I went to a party in Beverly Hills, at some guys mansion. All the girls there were super hot and skinny. I then went to lunch with the guy who owns the mansion, and I felt totally insecure. He then deleted me from facebook after meeting him. I don’t want the same thing to happen when I meet this guy I like. Although the guy who owns the mansion is totally the “playboy” type.

If this guy I like meets me now, I don’t want to lose him if he isn’t attracted to me or my weight.

partyrock's avatar

@CWOTUS – I’ve never lied to him and wouldn’t want to.

When we talk about meeting up he just tells me when I’m in town to call him.

partyrock's avatar

@JLeslie – That’s a really good idea, that makes sense about the holidays. Thanks.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@partyrock I understand what you are saying and how you are feeling, but wouldn’t it be better and nicer to have a guy that genuinely wants to be with you for you? Worrying about being skinny enough or hot enough will drive you crazy and you will never be satisfied because there will always be someone skinnier or hotter than you. It’s a never ending battle. Instead, try to focus on what makes you happy with yourself. If any guy does not want/appreciate who you really are, they aren’t worth your time.

JLeslie's avatar

Any man who is worried about 10 pounds is a loser. How tall are you?

CWOTUS's avatar

You said specifically in your original question that you make up excuses. I’m not saying that you have to tell him “I’m fat and not ready for you to see me.” But if you’re telling him “reasons why” that aren’t the truth, then that’s a lie in my book.

Consider that when you start a relationship with him, you’re training him that it’s okay to say “I was visiting a friend” if he goes to see a stripper some night after work before he visits you – or instead of visiting you. What goes around, comes around.

JLeslie's avatar

Your photo here, if that is you, you look very thin. Very.

partyrock's avatar

@JLeslie – I’m 5’4 and 135. So 10 pounds would be good to lose.

It’s not my face that is big, it’s my stomach and thighs. After I eat my stomach bulges out. Also my arms too. 10 pounds to lose weight would be good for me.

janbb's avatar

I’m just curious about how old you are if you’d care to share.

partyrock's avatar

@janbb – I’m 22 :)

partyrock's avatar

@CWOTUS Oh I see, it’s not really excuses. I don’t have a car right now so I told him until I get a car. I guess that is an excuse, but it’s not a lie cause I really don’t have a car.

JLeslie's avatar

@partyrock At that height just 6 or 7 pounds definitely gets you down to the next size, I’m still with my suggestion. Is it winter where you are? If you don’t show weight in your face, winter clothing will hide a lot anyway.

partyrock's avatar

@JLeslie – It’s not winter weather if that is what you are asking. It’s pretty warm and sunny here in the afternoons.

partyrock's avatar

Do you guys think it’s a good or bad idea to tell him that I gained like 10 pounds so he won’t be “surprised” when he sees me ?

chyna's avatar

Why should you even mention your weight? He doesn’t know what you used to weigh. If you mention your weight, you will seem obsessed with your looks. At 5’4 and 135 you are not overweight.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@partyrock I wouldn’t mention your weight at all. Just go and enjoy your time with him when you finally meet. If you mention your weight, then he might be more apt to notice it than if you just leave it be.

marinelife's avatar

Tying the weight loss until you meet this guy seems like a bad idea. He may become suspicious if you keep making excuses.

15 pounds is one clothes size. Is that really going to make a difference to him? I don’t think so.

SamIAm's avatar

I’d worry more that he may think you’re not interested with all of the excuses you’re giving him. 15lbs shouldn’t make or break ANYTHING.

jrpowell's avatar

Learn to love yourself first. Once you do that every one will follow. Nothing is as sexy as confidence. actually, glasses are sexier.

sleepdoc's avatar

We the outfit that makes you feel most confident and sexy and then don’t worry about what the scale says.

perspicacious's avatar

You are already lying to him and you haven’t even met him. It’s already doomed. Any friendship for you will be doomed until you decide to be honest and not play stupid junior high school games.

ETpro's avatar

I think it is a bad idea. If your body is wired to put on a few extra pounds, there is little you can do about it. You can go on crash diets and lose it, but it comes back. If the guy of your dreams doesn’t accept the real you, then that dream is really a nightmare. The bad part of the dream just hasn’t come yet, but you can bet it willt.

There are plenty of guys, myself included, who think women that are soft and cuddly and have full figures are sexier than the skinny-boy paragon gay fashion designers seem to adore. If your target beau turns out to want someone anorexic, you’re better off not ever hooking up with him. Find someone who appreciates you for who you are, not how you look. Looks always fade. Ideally, find someone who will help you maintain a healthy Body Mass Indes (BNI} without obsessing about you looking like a catwalk model.

I’d suggest you test this object of your admiration just as you are now. See how he reacts. It will speak volumes about your future hope for happiness with this guy. And remember, there are a vast number of fish in the ocean. If things aren’t right, it doesn’t have to be this one. Keep looking. And just be yourself while you do.

deni's avatar

Meet him now. You don’t have to have sex with him right away, so he probably won’t see you naked for a while anyhow. Keep working out, and if he sees you and doesn’t like your body the way it is, then fuck him. Not “have sex with him”....more like “tell him he can go to hell”.

partyrock's avatar

@Seaofclouds – Yes from just stress. I let myself go and just started eating junk food, and not caring. Eating at midnight, lots of junk food. Stress.

SmashTheState's avatar

(1) Have you ever noticed that people’s appearance changes after you’ve known them for a while? People who look like knockouts at first meeting often become physically hideous when their inner ugliness emerges. Likewise, very plain or homely people suddenly become physically attractive when you’ve known them for a while and like their personality. Even if he thinks you’re a dreadful blubbery hag at first meeting, if he likes you for you, your appearance will actually physically change in his head.

(2) How do you know he doesn’t like his partners with a few extra pounds? Losing weight is no guarantee you’ll appeal to him physically. You may be making yourself less appealing with every pound you drop.

(3) I’m a huge, hairy slob the size and shape of a refrigerator, and I can assure you that I get more than my share of admirers, both male and female. And I haven’t got a pot to piss in, so it’s sure not because of my wealth. I have charisma. Confidence and poise counts for a shit tonne more than looks do. Friends of mine are often surprised by the number of women (and men) who make passes at me because they don’t realize that personality can completely transform a person’s appearance in someone’s eyes.

janbb's avatar

I agree with @SmashTheState . Personality counts much more than appearance. A svelte figure cannot disgise a shallow soul.

kalambmitty's avatar

I hope I’m not coming off as too strait forward:
If you had felt that you needed to loose those pesky 15lbs, why had you not done it before? Another thing, I would suggest you take some time to step back and find out the real reason why you want to loose the weight. Is it for the guy or for your well-being?
If it is for the guy: What if you do loose the weight and he does not appreciate it? Will he want or love you more with or without the weight? Has he even noticed the weight? Does he care?
If it is for your well-being: How are you going to loose the weight? Will it be a healthy plan? Will YOU feel better (not for anyone else but yourself)?
If you see those pounds as a burden preventing you from taking the next step in your relationship, I would suggest you work on your innner self (emotionally & spiritually). Then maybe you will see that whether it is 15, 5 or even 50 pounds, it does not matter as long as you are content with yourself.
[Again I apologize if I’m too strait forward or personal.]

partyrock's avatar

@kalambmitty – It’s ok I’m not hurt if you are being straight forward. I’ll answer your questions. This is for ME. I have been wanting to lose weight, and meeting this man is a sort of motivation to get on with it. Not all for him, I’ve been wanting to shed the pounds for a while now. Why have I not done it before? Procrastination and partial laziness. and some depression. I thought “What’s the use, it’s going to take forever to drop the weight!!” So I wouldn’t even bother to try… that is my explanation.

Yes I will feel better. I already got smaller clothing that is one size smaller so I am looking forward to fitting into it better.

It’s not that it’s preventing me from taking me and him to the next step, I just want to look and feel my best, and losing the weight is going to help me… When I look good, I feel good. Not that I don’t already, but losing these extra pounds I know will already make me feel more self confidant.

You’re right about feeling content with myself whether I was 50 or 15 pounds.

janbb's avatar

Edit to my post – “disguise”

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