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Charles's avatar

What would bug you more? Your spouse cheats with someone of the opposite sex or same sex?

Asked by Charles (4815points) January 10th, 2012

So for example, if you are a woman, what would bug you more? Your man cheats with another woman or another man?

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34 Answers

wundayatta's avatar

There’s something about the symbolism of penetration by a live member that makes that feel much more of a betrayal to me than mutual pleasuring even if it did include penetration by an artificial phallus.

On the other hand, betrayal is a mental construct, and there is no telling how I might react to the specific circumstances of any kind of betrayal. I can imagine a set of reactions ranging from relief to utter despair. Depends on the specific circumstances.

Ayesha's avatar

Another woman.

marinelife's avatar

That he cheated. I would not care what sex the person was.

KatawaGrey's avatar

I think they would each bug me for different reasons.

Scenario 1: My husband is bisexual. Then it’s straight across the board cheating, in my opinion. I would not think it was sexy or ask to join in if I found him with another man. As a bisexual woman, I wouldn’t allow myself to have a sexual relationship with another woman just because the parts were different. I’m pretty sure I would react the same as if I found him in bed with a woman.

Scenario 2: My husband is actually gay and has just been hiding that fact from himself and/or the public. I would be an entirely different kind of angry and very hurt that he felt like he had to hide from me, of all people.

Scenario 3: My husband is straight and cheating on me with a woman. Well, I would be angry that he was cheating, simple as that.

Scenario 4: My husband is questioning his sexuality and felt the need to “experiment” with a man to see what he really likes. Again, I would feel angry that he had hidden this part of himself from me. However, I would be even more angry that he felt that he could still “experiment” even when in a committed, monogamous relationship. As far as I am concerned, you keep those feelings in check or explore them in ways that are not cheating such as looking at different porn, talking to people about it, going to strip clubs, etc.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

It would bug me most that I wasn’t invited to participate.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Cheating is cheating. Unless we both agree to an open marriage arrangement the sex of the other person doesn’t matter.

MrItty's avatar

If I didn’t know my partner was bi beforehand, I’d feel doubly betrayed – once for the cheating, once for the lie (even if a lie of omission). If I did know, I wouldn’t give a rat’s behind which gender she cheated with – cheating is cheating.

elbanditoroso's avatar

It’s not the gender – it’s the betrayal. wouldn’t really matter whether the affair was with a man or a woman – the fact is that her vow was with me, not the other person.

Charles's avatar

I, as a guy, would be more bothered if she cheated with another guy as that is a direct comparison to me. If she cheated with another female, I wouldn’t feel as if I was lacking as I couldn’t have met those requirements in the first place.

KatawaGrey's avatar

@Charles: That’s something that I went back and forth on with my ex a lot. He said he wouldn’t consider it cheating if I had sex with a woman because she would “meet my sexual needs differently.” The way I see it, there are 7 billion people on the planet. That means there are 7 billion different ways of meeting my sexual needs, regardless of genitalia.

Then again, I’m pretty sure he thought I was one of those girls who only said I was bisexual to get attention. :P

Coloma's avatar

Ultimately it doesn’t matter. Man, woman, sheep, blow up doll.
It’s the lack of character and integrity that ruins the relationship, and while it might feel more shocking to find out your partner is a closet homosexual or into some bizarre fetish, well…it’s the big picture of disturbed character that really counts.
A high school coach at my daughters old HS was just arrested last week for statutory rape and sex acts with minors. The guy has a wife and kids, my heart goes out to them, what a horrible thing to cope with, not to mention all the public attention and scandal. Poor, poor woman!

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

@Coloma “Poor, poor woman”

No doubt. It’s like waking up one morning to discover that your entire life has been an ugly lie. On some level, she may actually feel culpable in the lie, wondering how this could have occurred without her knowledge. That’s really awful.

I like your comments about integrity and character @Coloma.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

It would piss me off to no freaking end if he cheated at all. No matter the sex of the other person.

Coloma's avatar


Thanks, yes, character is very important, for all of us.
I understand people do foolish things, but, when you involve others in your duplicity and render them unwilling victims, and, as you mentioned, completely mess with their reality, well….I don’t really care about the perpetrators issues, I will always champion the victims of their cons. This guys kids are now subject to live with the shame and heartbreak of their fathers “sins.” So sad. :-(

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Ah… but we live in an era where the victims are the criminals and the criminals are the victims. If only his wife had satisfied him more, he wouldn’t have needed to stray. And that poor man must be sick now, because of her, and all the religious repression he no doubt grew up with. He needs help, and we should pay for it with every last penny of our hard earned tax dollars. He’s not to blame. It’s our fault he did this.


downtide's avatar

It would bug me more if he cheated with someone of the same sex as me.

Pandora's avatar

Well the only difference is that the thought of one may make me vomit, but both are pretty bad. The guy thing would be the worst because their is no way back from that one for me.
Same sex would mean that he lived a life of lies with me.
Another women would mean there is maybe just a temporary problem in our marriage.
The pain would still exist in either case.

Seaofclouds's avatar

The cheating would hurt, regardless of the sex of the person he cheated with.

mazingerz88's avatar

With a man. And a horse? LOL.

Coloma's avatar

@mazingerz88 LOL

Yep, that’s getting up there in shocking secrets revealed.

Okay…the ultimate…you never knew your spouse was transgender and had sex reassignment surgery. THAT would number two on my list. Right after finding out they were a serial killer. haha

ZEPHYRA's avatar

I’d rather he cheated with the opposite sex. It’s a question of self-esteem issues.

SuperMouse's avatar

Opposite sex. At least there is some novelty there if he is cheating with another man.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Cheating is cheating, they’d be out either way but if my husband cheated with a man then that would mean he had kept his sexual preferences a secret from me on top of choosing an additional partner. I would make me feel my relationship had never been real from the start.

Berserker's avatar

I denno. I guess I’d be hurt that they would cheat at all, whoever it’s with. But if I found my man porking a watermelon or a store bought frozen turkey, that would just be severely messed up, man.

elbanditoroso's avatar

@Symbeline – as I understand it, those guys let the turkey thaw first…

Berserker's avatar

Whatever the case, I don’t want to understand it lol.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@Symbeline: That’s the beat all. Kind of no saving face if inert/dead stuff is more sexually fulfilling. ICK!

Berserker's avatar

I always knew I was as sexy as a tractor built out of cutlery. Lol.

KatawaGrey's avatar

I’m going to post this every time you refer to yourself as a tractor.

Berserker's avatar

I remmeber when you first linked that song. Still ain’t my style, but for some reason I love this one. :) The video rocks, too. :D

AnonymousWoman's avatar

I am not really sure. I have had a boyfriend who cheated on me with another female before and that was so painful. I don’t even want to imagine a boyfriend in the future cheating on me…. with anyone!

For this question, though..

Let’s pretend I have a s/o.

If he cheated with another woman and I found out, I would most likely be scared…. and wonder if she was pregnant. That’s what happened when I found out I was cheated on before. I felt hurt and anger in my heart. I would wonder if she was pregnant with his child. She wasn’t, but the very possibility that it could have happened frightened me. That kind of fear and dread is not fun to feel. I’d wondered what I did wrong, if it was my fault, if I could have done anything differently.. I felt like it was my fault and that I wasn’t doing enough. I wanted to die. I was completely and utterly devastated.

If he cheated with another man, I can see myself feeling horrible—like I wasn’t enough for him… like I didn’t matter to him at all. I can imagine myself feeling lonely and like he doesn’t even like or respect me as a person or as a woman. I might wonder if I’m ugly, if there’s something I did to “turn him gay” (no matter how illogical that feeling might be). I can see myself feeling despair.

Yeah, neither sounds fun to me.

Coloma's avatar


Yes, those feelings are normal, but, remember more people should really get this when they are young we are never responsible for others actions, not ever!
This is where the don’t take it “personally” comes into play.
Meaning, again, it’s a character issue and if someone is lacking character they would cheat no matter what with whomever they are with.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

^^ I know that he did not have to do it, but I hope he has changed anyway. He has a new girlfriend now who seems to love him a lot and I would hate to hear about him hurting her, too! I don’t want to warn her because 1) he may have changed, 2) I don’t even know her, 3) it’s not really my place, and 4) I don’t want him in my life anymore.

SmoothEmeraldOasis's avatar

Another woman, which happened too many times for me to be accepting of the error as he put it. I have everything that any other woman has plus spontaneity and a desire for playfulness, geez, they both had to go and fly a kite. I am over that betrayal.

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