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SouthernBelle16's avatar

I'm scared that my parents are going to get divorced?

Asked by SouthernBelle16 (49points) January 16th, 2012 from iPhone

My parents fight a lot about things my dad did and things my dad still does that emotionally hurt my mom. They almost got divorced when I was a baby because of those things. I don’t want them to almost divorce again and I don’t want them to get a divorce.

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9 Answers

AmWiser's avatar

Sometimes we need to step back and look at situations from different perspectives. You want your parents to stay together for your sake, but you are not looking at how unhappy they are together for whatever reason. Talk to your parents and try to understand their issues. Your parents will still love you the same whether they are together or not.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

Divorce can be hard on kids, no doubt about it. It’s not unreasonable to be concerned about your parents getting a divorce, both for their sake – because it’s hard on each of them, too – but also for your own.

But it’s best not to worry about things you can’t control. Earthquakes and major storms are harmful, too, but what good does worrying about them do? You can’t control or prevent them, either.

What you can do, or at least try to do, is to prepare for the possibility and plan for what to do “just in case”.

So my recommendations to you are:
1. Maintain good relations with each parent. Try to avoid being made “an ally of one against the other”, which some insecure parents will attempt to do. Sometimes some parents during a divorce try to drive a wedge between their children and the other parent. This is obviously damaging to the child’s relationship with that parent, but selfish parents sometimes won’t care about that. If one of your parents tries to complain to you about the other, try to avoid that and not be a part of it.

2. Mind your own business. By that I mean: Do your chores; do your homework; maintain your own life and friendships. Your parents’ relationship with each other is their business. They have to decide how to maintain their marriage and whether to continue it or end it. Worrying about that will not help you and may actually cause them more stress – when they think clearly they understand that their relationship with each other affects you greatly, but they have to have things settled between them first.

3. Live a good life. That pretty much goes without saying, doesn’t it? People often forget to live their own life and live to satisfy others’ intentions or desires, or to get revenge on others for their misdeeds. Don’t get into that. Just enjoy your own life for its own sake.

Change is inevitable and happens to everyone. Don’t try too hard to fight it. Instead try to plan for it, plan around it, and prepare for it. Sometimes divorces work out best for all concerned: If your parents fight and disagree all the time, that is a pretty unpleasant life for them, too. If they live apart and still share a love for you, then they may actually get along better as exes, and you may all be happier in the long run. Things may seem bad now, but someday when you look back on this time in your life, it won’t seem so bad. You’ll see.

Good luck to you and to your parents.

mangeons's avatar

You may want your parents to stay together for your sake, but you have to look at these things from another perspective sometimes. They are probably not happy together. If they are unhappy and they do decide to get a divorce, they will both be happier and probably get along better. If they decide that getting a divorce is the right thing to do, a lot of tension will be removed and everyone will probably end up happier. It is likely that you will be happier as well, if you don’t have to hear your parents arguing all the time. Remember that it is not your fault if they get a divorce.

My parents divorced right about when I was in third grade. I was devastated of course, but a lot of good things came out of it as well. My parents still have a civil relationship, and I still get to see my mom often. I’ve gained a stepdad who I love and two stepbrothers, which led to a nephew and a niece and another stepsister. My dad is engaged to a woman I really like who has three kids who we all get along with and an awesome extended family that we see fairly often. While divorce can be a sad thing, good things often come out of it also.

I wish the best of luck to you and your parents.

marinelife's avatar

Well, the first thing to think about is that you can’t control the actions of others so if your parents plan to divorce, there is nothing that you can do about it.

The second thing is to think about the positives that might come from a divorce. For one thing, your home environment will no longer be a battleground, which will have to be a relief.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Welcome to Fluther. I ‘m sorry you are here under these circumstances.

You should print out the advice given here and read it when you are feeling blue. Most likely things will get worse before they get better.
Do the things you are supposed to do. Do the best you can in school. Help around the house. Avoid the temptation to rebel or take advantage of the situation.

What do you do when you know a storm is coming? You hunker down and prepare for it. Prepare for this storm by studying and doing your homework without arguing.

Finally, and this will be the hardest one…. do not start sharing all your troubles with your facebook friends. That will not help. Word will get out very quickly and your parents will find out. Take the high road and honor your parents’ privacy. That will help more than you can imagine..

LezboPirate's avatar

Sometimes divorce is the only option. My Dad has been divorced twice, and I can tell gets better. I mean, I don’t remember when he divorced my Mom, I was too young. But he and my step mother divorced not too long ago. And I know for sure that divorce was the best thing for them. All they ever did was fight and make everyone miserable.

Soupy's avatar

You might not want them to get a divorce, but that doesn’t mean that a divorce wouldn’t be the best option here. Maybe your parents will get divorced and maybe they won’t, but at the end of the day they need to make the decision that’s best for them. If you’re really concerned, make your feelings known, but I don’t think you’ll be able to seriously influence events either way. If your parents are set on a divorce they will have one.

My parents divorced when I was a child, and I can tell you it really isn’t as bad as it first may seem. Your parents both love you a lot, and divorce won’t change that.

JLeslie's avatar

When I was young I hated when my parents fought constantly. My sister and I used to want my parents to get a divorce. They never did, they are still married, and still fight. I am 44 now. I don’t mean to say you should want them to divorce, I understand completely why you don’t want them to, but possibly there is a positive side if they do. Your home life would be calmer most likely. I realize the sad part is maybe you would see each parent a little less, depending on who you stay with on what night. And, maybe you just don’t like the idea of having to say your parents are divorced. I know adults who also hate the idea of having to say they are divorced. It feels bad to them, like there was a failure in the relationship, or that they personally failed. But the truth is, almost nobody gets a divorce hastily. People try to keep marriages and families together, they should not feel badly or that anyone is judging them, and either should you if that is what you are worried about. Also, divorce would mean change, and change is always scary, I understand that too, but what will never change is how much your parents love you.

I’m sure you don’t want your mom to be hurt, so it must be difficult for you to know your dad is making her unhappy. At the same time know that your dad might be unhappy also, usually it is both people in the couple, and the dynamic they have. People sometimes groww apart. Goals in life change over time, and sometimes couples can adjust to the chnages and sometimes they can’t.

Have you told them you are afraid they are going to get a divorce? Has your family ever been to family therapy? Have you ever been to any type of therapy? Where you could tell a counselor what you are afraid of and how the situation makes you feel? Do you have siblings?

wundayatta's avatar

It’s normal to be scared. Divorce can bring a lot of change. Where you live; how you eat; who you live with; what school you go to; and on and on.

Ideally, your parents will be most concerned about you and will try to minimize the effect of change. One way I’ve heard that can really help kids feel stable is if the kids home stays the same all the time, and the parents take turns living in it a week or two at a time. They each have their own place to live when they are not with you.

It’s not a common arrangement, so they might not think of it. You may want to suggest it, just to get their minds thinking a little more creatively.

Sometimes parents use the kids as strategic assets in their fight with each other. It all depends on how bad the fight is. Hopefully, your parents will cooperate in the divorce so as to leave things good for you. Other times, though, they take a scorched earth tack, and try to hurt the other spouse as much as possible. Not good.

I don’t think it would hurt to let them know you are there and you see what is going on and you want them to be as nice as they can be to each other. It would also be nice to see if they can talk to you honestly about what is going on. You might request family therapy if you are not already getting it.

Good luck!

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