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Vicseay's avatar

When do you know it's time to get out?

Asked by Vicseay (52points) May 21st, 2008

I am married…been that way for about four years. My wife cannot handle money. I am now working under a chapter 13 bankruptcy. I have her son living with us. He is 20 years old. He quit school in the 12th grade. He does not work. He bums off my wife all the time. She does not seem to ever want sex. She seems tired all the time. We are always late with one bill or another. I own one thing here…my car. I cannot keep any money unless I stash some back. What is my question? When do you just thrown in the damn towel and get in your car and go?

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13 Answers

Allie's avatar

You should talk to a financial adviser first. Maybe have a meeting with the three of you – yourself, your wife, your step-son – and the adviser. They should be able to give you some advice regarding your financial situation.
You could also talk to a marriage counselor about how you feel about the spending problems your wife has and the way your step-son keeps bumming cash from you.

Good luck!

marinelife's avatar

Is there anything good left? Do you remember why you married her? Have you tried counseling?

I was not sure what you meant by “My wife cannot handle money.” Do you mean she spends too much? Do you mean that she has no budgeting skills?

One truism is that we cannot change the behavior of others. We can only change our own behavior. When you behave differently, the other person has to behave differently in response. Just to change the dynamic, maybe you could take a new approach to one of the problems. Having your adult stepson as a third party in the marriage can’t be helping. What if you suggested that he get his GED to increase his job options? I am not sure where you are, but there are usually low-cost programs available, some even online.

Vicseay's avatar

There isn’t much good left. I am not a wealthy man. I am just a regular working man. When I said she could not handle money…I mean…like…she would go out and eat or something…even though we might need to think about saving some back for the week’s gas or something…you know? The idea about changing the dynamic has actually worked to a degree…but I think it has helped me more than the situation…I have grown a bit. The stepson is a major problem…and I think he wants it that way…you know? (I wonder if he has thought about what it is costing him….he has wasted about three years just sitting here at home every day! (All he does is go out at night sometimes…in her car…on her gas…and go to play pool or go to the tanning beds!) He mentioned to his mother about getting his GED long ago….but I don’t see it happening myself…you know? It really gets hard sometimes….sometimes I really want out…but I am basically broke and I also want to do the “right” thing…you know…“till death do us part”? But sometimes….I find myself thinking seriously about what it would take to just leave the circus behind…you know?

marinelife's avatar

I do know. In my case, I found it incredibly hard to end it. I think I had a problem saying I had failed at something so important.

Only you know where you are in the continuum. On the one hand, I think we walk from tough relationship situations too easily. On the other hand, sometimes there is no saving it.

My bottom line is that life is too short to be miserable every day.

autumnofage's avatar

As other’s have said, see if she’s willing to try counseling for the relationship and for herself.

I understand how you want to keep your vows of ‘till death do us part’ but if she isn’t and doesn’t want to put any effort or care into the marriage then it looks like the vows are broken none the less. And sometimes the right thing to do IS to leave and force someone to grow up and get control of their lives which seems to apply to your wife and step son.

Good luck.

nikipedia's avatar

You say she’s not interested in sex and seems tired all the time. These are symptoms of depression, which can also sometimes make it harder for people to think things through and make good decisions. Do you think she would be willing to go to counseling?

Vicseay's avatar

I seriously doubt it. We are just poor people…the poorest of the poor. But I doubt it. I don’t think she actually sees how wrong they are…you know?

nikipedia's avatar

I hope you don’t mind me asking some more questions, but I’d like to test out my depression theory a bit more. Please don’t feel obligated to answer any of these…

Has she always been like this, or has she changed?

What does her mood seem like? Is she cranky, sad, worried, irritable?

Has she had any changes in her appetite or weight? What about her sleep patterns?

Does she seem to have trouble concentrating or making decisions?

Does she seem to feel really guilty about things, or very badly about herself?

glial's avatar

I am moving out after 12 years of marriage next week. My wife and I have split before and this time it was just a mutual agreement. We love each other but haven’t been in love in a very long time.

We don’t have financial problems, or anything like you described. We just feel we are better off parents and friends than as husband and wife.

To answer your question, I guess when you know…you’ll know.

Life is too short to be miserable.

buster's avatar

get in your car and go bro. you aint got nothing holding you back.

lovelyy's avatar

nothing holding him back? I think a wife is a big something. My advise is to talk to her about it, let all the cards on the table. Tell her money is tight and if her son is going to be living there its either get a job or go to school. Try working things out and finding out what brought you two together in the first place, if you were in love once you can find that love again.

scamp's avatar

I agree with lovelyy. Since there is no affording counselling, you need to talk with your wife and tell her how you feel. I think the biggest downfall is the tension between you over her son. Give him a deadline to get a job. Be reasonable about the time frame, but stand firm that it has to be done. Tell him that he has to work and contribute to the house if he is to remain there. Tell her that if she doesn’t agree with this, you may be the one to leave.

Check with your local county social services department, and see if you can get her into a sliding fee counselor for her depression, or better yet, see if they will help you do some family sessions. If you can’t do that, ask your preacher to help out It sounds like you are at the point where you need some outside help. Don’t jump ship just yet. You may be able to work things out and all concerned could be happier. I wish you well.

Siren's avatar

@scamp: great answer in my opinion. Sounds very pragmatic and practical, which seems like the only course to take in this painful situation. It’s hard to think for oneself when we are simultaneously worried about the welfare/future of those who depend on us. But, as many people have pointed out in this question, in all fairness you MUST think of yourself also. You cannot help those around you unless you help yourself first. And, taking those steps scamp mentioned will provide some kind of structure that all can follow. And, if they don’t, at least you know YOU tried and then start looking after yourself. Good luck my friend.

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