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skulltattoo's avatar

My fiance and I disagree on wedding planning. How should I handle it?

Asked by skulltattoo (54points) February 5th, 2012 from iPhone

Am I wrong for not wanting my fiancé‘s friends to tag along with us while we look for a place for our wedding and reception? I know it’s ” her day”, but shouldn’t it be her and I planning and not her friends?

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29 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

This is a delicate one. On the one hand it should be you and her, but she may feel the need for another woman to use as a sounding board. This is good practice for communicating to your soon-to-be-spouse. She may not trust your judgment in this type of stuff; better to find out now than two years from now. And you need to ask her what role she expects you to play in planning the wedding. If you are not comfortable with her expectations, find out now.

And Welcome to Fluther.

You don’t describe the friend. Is she the kind of friend you like having around? Or is she a friend you hope to never be around?

This may be a microcosm of your marriage, better to talk now than later.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Who are you marrying? Her or her and her friends?

Pandora's avatar

Tell her its the beginning of your life together in making big decision and you want the most important part of the decision to be made between the two of you, like all other decisions in the future. I think girls often think guys won’t be really as intrested as much as they are and that is why they like to bring their friends along. It may also be that she may not trust her own taste or she’s looking for someone to tell her no or yes when she wants to hear it. Maybe she’s afraid you will only see the bottom line and to her it may be more about the romance.
I say talk to her and find out why she feels she may need her friends.
But honestly, wedding planning is hard work and there are a ton of little fine details. It’s customary for bridesmaids to assist and make sure that little details aren’t overlooked. It also helps that people not involved can have an ubiased point of view and can give you the bare bones overlook on a selection.
Unless you always dreamed about every little detail that makes a wedding than an unbiased point of view can come in handy. So long as it is unbiased. Not a matter that her friend is there to gang up on you when you don’t want something.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Pandora @zenvelo Read the details again. Friends, not friend,
@skulltattoo You’re going to be faced with this dealing with family too.Same thing applies. Is it you and her against the world?

Pandora's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe I did read it. That is why I said bridesmaidssss and the word friendsssss.
There is also the point that maybe he wants to be very pragmatic and maybe he can be stubborn and she’s afraid when all is said and done, that she might want to just get a JP wedding. She may be hoping that her friends can help him to see that pragmatic is ok some of the time but not during every decision. A lot really depends on how big of a deal has she built this wedding to be in her mind.
Now if she’s asking her friends along because they feel they know better than her and are always telling her what to do, than I would say that he definetly needs to stand his ground and say no….

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Pandora Caught my mistake on the second read. I just caught the friend one in your last sentence. Good advice. Can’t disagree with any of it.

marinelife's avatar

If you are willing to go, then it should just be the two of you.

cookieman's avatar

I would want it to be just me and my fiancé.

zenvelo's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe @skulltattoo Sorry, I missed that it was friends plural. That backs off some of my advice, but not completely. I think you still need a good conversation, she may actually think of this as an extension of the party preparation. A good talk will get you both on the same page.

gailcalled's avatar

Certainly you and she should go alone for the first reconnoiter. Perhaps after you decide the things that are really important to you both, you can decide what areas don’t interest you.

Such as color of ink on place cards, numbers of rose buds in bridesmaids’ corsages, shape of folded napkins, flavor of frosting between layers one and two of the cake, and any other area that you don’t give two hoots about.

Her friends can help her with those issues, but that would be round two.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Since I doubt her friends will be footing the bills, it should definitely be just the two of you. If there is a parent or family member also assisting in paying, then they should be allowed to have say, too.

Friends help make decisions on dresses, maybe on decor, but it’s not common for friends to tag along to choose the location.

ScurvyChamp's avatar

@zenvelo Her and her friends! We have to learn to get on with people, and if your special other wants the opinions of people she likes and trusts while making a decision, go have to go with that flow!

skulltattoo's avatar

Thank you all for you’re input. It was very helpful. Just so you know, I do like her friends, so that’s not an issue. I guess what I’m a little upset about is that she told me she invited them to come, instead of asking me how I felt about them coming first. We definitely need to talk about this before one of us gets upset with the other. Thanks again.

Judi's avatar

SHE is always right. She has been planning this day her entire life and you just started thinking about it. Let her have it her way.

Kardamom's avatar

I’m guessing that your fiance has been friends with her gal pals a long time. They have all talked about each other’s weddings since they were kids and they probably always assumed that they would all be involved in each other’s weddings.

That being said, you should definitely tell her that you need to do some of the planning alone, but you should be prepared (and not feel resentful towards her) to allow the friends to be along for other aspects of the planning. Have a nice comfortable chat, write out all of the planning chores that need to be done and then make some decisions together about which ones the gal pals can join in, and which ones have to be just the 2 of you. She should be the one to break the news to her friends with a statement like this, “Hey ladies, you know I love you all and I definitely want you to be involved in the planning process, but it’s also important for me and and @skulltattoo to make some of the decisions and and visit some of the places on our own. I know you ladies will understand. I’m going to be married to him forever and I need to know what he wants. It’s both of our wedding. So we made a list of tasks that we need to do alone and the rest, I definitely want your input and for you to come along with us (or just me, in the case of some of the things he thought were boring) LOL”

Nimis's avatar

It’s great that she has so many girlfriends that want to help her with the wedding. (And that you get along with them. Phew!)

But there are a gajillion other aspects for them to weigh in on. I feel like the venue (and rings) are definitely something you should do as a couple alone. The wedding is about the two of you after all and there should at least be some things set aside just for you guys.

As for her asking them without even asking or telling you. Kind of not cool.

BhacSsylan's avatar

@Judi She is not the only one getting married.

@skulltattoo sounds like you’re going about this the right way. A little conversation always tends to help. We can sometimes forget to talk when we get caught up in something.

Judi's avatar

@BhacSsylan, but most likely, she is the only one who has spent hours dreaming about and planning this day her entire life.

gailcalled's avatar

@Judi: I can speak only for myself; I was a young bride and did not spend my whole life planning for the wedding. I certainly did not spend hours dreaming about it. I let my mother fine-tune the whole thing.

Neither my then husband-to-be or I was very interested in much beyond the venue, the guest list, the general concept and the music for the actual ceremony.

BhacSsylan's avatar

@Judi Even assuming that’s true and he’s only just started caring, that doesn’t change the fact that this a very important day for him as well. He deserves a say.

Judi's avatar

Sometimes men get pushy about these things without being sensitive to the fact that most (not all) girls dream about their wedding. I may have been a little blunt, but I just wanted the OP to at least think about it and ask her how ingrained her visions of a wedding are.
I know that when my husband started spouting out ideas I felt like my vision was being smashed. When I explained to him about how I had dreamed of my wedding since I was a little girl he backed off a bit, realizing that his opinion was just a whim while I had thought out every detail for years. He saw it from my perspective and WANTED me to feel like the princess I had always dreamed of.

BhacSsylan's avatar

@Judi And that is something you and your husband came to agree on. That’s fine. But you and your husband are not everyone. Everyone can be pushy, but the proper response is not to crowd out people who may care very deepy. I know I would be deeply hurt if my fiancee said I should have no say, that this day when we get to pledge our love to each other is none of my buisness. That a day to celebrate our comitment to each other is, in fact, not about me at all. Luckily I have a fiancee who would never hear of that and is making sure I’m involved in every step. Because when time came to start thinking about these things, we talked about it and figured it out together.

This is a day for the celebration of the couple. They should both be involved. And if one wants to take the wheel and the other stand aside, then fine. But that should be an arrangment made by the couple and made so that both are happy.

also, blunt is rather understating it. You didn’t say to talk, you said to “Let her have it her way.”

Judi's avatar

Like I said. I was a little harsh in my statement. I agree that he should not be excluded from the plans. I was (obviously ineffectually) just trying to make the point that he should be sensitive to the idea that the little details may mean much more to her than to him.
The flair of silly sarcasm didn’t translate well in print.

skulltattoo's avatar

Once again thanks for all of your responses. It’s good to get other perspectives, helps with the problem solving. @BhacSsylan I think you captured my side of the story pretty well. Thanks for you’re comments and defending this side. @ Judi thank you for your comments also, even though I didn’t feel like they applied to my situation. Just a little background that you had no way of knowing. This is both our second marriages. Neither of us had a wedding to speak of the first time around. We are both equally excited about our up coming wedding, and she knows I want to be involved in almost every part of the planning. I just took a week and a half off from work to be her nursemaid while she recovered from an operation. During that time we leafed through stacks of wedding/ bridal magazines getting ideas and researching locations for our wedding. I also plan on attend some up coming bridal shows with her to get more ideas. Anyway, I guess I’m just trying to show that our wedding planning is just as important to me as it is to her. It’s “our” day.

gailcalled's avatar

@skulltattoo: Anyway, I guess I’m just trying to show that our wedding planning is just as important to me as it is to her. It’s “our” day.

Change “Anyway” to “Sweetie,” and use these words, starting from…“our wedding planning is…”

BhacSsylan's avatar

@Judi I suppose I’m a little sensitive, it can be quite hard to be a groom who is involved in a wedding. We haven’t even gone much farther then long term plans and I already have my mother referring everything to my fiancee and a venue rep talk exclusively to my fiancee while I was there with her. It is accepted in many, many places that it’s the ‘bride’s day’, and that the groom should be largely ignored. I’m sorry if that made me come across too strong.

@gailcalled Lol, well put.

gailcalled's avatar

@BhacSsylan: You’re welcome. I am happy to take the credit but they are your words, remember?

BhacSsylan's avatar

@gailcalled heh, while I would love to take the credit, those are @skulltattoo‘s words :-p. I blame the similar jellies.

Avangelo's avatar

I have a simple answer. Let her have it. Once you get married the wedding itself will not be nearly as important as the rest of your life. That’s the part you should focus on.

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