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Kokoro's avatar

How do you get over someone when you are the dumper?

Asked by Kokoro (1424points) May 1st, 2012

Long story short, I fell in love with one of my best friends. It was wrong, he is taken, but it just happened. He proclaimed that I made him happier than anyone he’s ever met and was willing to take the steps to be with me. (This never happened, but he does spend more time with me than her). I don’t know why I was thinking this would end up well. I suppose I was dreaming up a sort of June Carter/Johnny Cash romance.

One night he ended up slapping me, the first time it’s ever happened, during an argument. He apologized profusely in person and several texts. However, he is also insecure and tends to want to be with me 24/7 and gets jealous around my male friends. I would say he is possessive. That night I decided it was the last straw. Through counseling I realized he was abusive. I guess I’m still in shock, someone I’ve cared for for years and reveals this side of them only when we begin to date. I would not be surprised if he has already been sleeping around to deal with the break up, and it makes me even more agitated.

My problem is, I’m trying to move on. I miss him so much though. I want him to get help and my counselour says he has to do that on his own. I try to remember all the negative things about him and what happened but I feel like I forgive too much. I miss our friendship. I miss my best friend.

Has anyone gone through a situation like this? I know I made the right decision but I feel like I’m still holding on to a glimmer of hope.

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15 Answers

syz's avatar

Why? Why would you even want to be with this person?

Continue with the counseling, and stop thinking about him – take a trip, take up a new hobby, take a class, whatever. But move on.

boxer3's avatar

Time takes time, and it will take time.
Recognize you are worth and deserve far more than that.
It’s ok to still have feelings , but to realize that it can not be.
Stay strong, and as positive as possible.

wallabies's avatar

First of all, great on you for acknowledging the abuse.

I can understand why you miss him, and why you want to help him.

Your counselor is right. There is nothing you can do for him. He needs to solve this problem on his own of his own volition.

The best thing you can do for BOTH of you is to extinguish the glimmer of hope and move on as fast as you can. I wasted so much time holding on to such a glimmer in the past, and it is really not worth it. If he deals with his issues, there is always the potential to reconnect in the future and repair the friendship. Right now, though, you need to forget about him. Let him deal with his issues. You live your life!

Trillian's avatar

“He proclaimed that I made him happier than anyone he’s ever met and was willing to take the steps to be with me.” Red flag. He would do the same to you.
“One night he ended up slapping me” RED FLAG!
”...he is also insecure and tends to want to be with me 24/7 and gets jealous around my male friends” Red flag.
”...already been sleeping around to deal with the break up…” He has. Believe it.
”...I forgive too much…” Yes, you do. You send out unconscious signals which attract men (and I use the term in its loosest possible sense) like him. I promise you that time will fade that feeling. Stay in therapy if that’s what you’re doing. Learn what it is to make you attracted to that type of person, or you’ll be repeating this episode.
I’m fully qualified to empathize with you here, and the community that helped me through my little episode of insanity is right here.

tedd's avatar

Well hey, who’s to say the OP didn’t deserve to get slapped? ... j/k j/k j/k!.. lol

Just keep on moving. It gets better with time. Obviously easier said than done, you can’t help how you feel about people…. But it does get better with time. And hey who knows, maybe he’ll get over his issues and you yours (which I’m assuming are there from the counseling comment).. and some day in the future you can be happily together as friends or more. For now though, all you can do is keep on moving.

john65pennington's avatar

Find someone else. Once an abuser, always an abuser.

You do not hurt the person you are suppose to love.

Sunny2's avatar

I’m with @syz. Think of something you always wanted to do and do it. Get involved in an activity that involves other people. Volunteer to help others. Time is the only thing that will really gets you past this. Fill that time and the pain will lessen until it is gone.

JLeslie's avatar

This happens all the time. Even when someone is abusive, if they are in our daily lives, we go through a grieving process when they no longer are. Plus, a form of Stolkholm syndrome could be at work, which is basically when people come to love, care, or feel attached to their captures when they have been imprisoned. I know you were not taken against your will, but the syndrome helps explain the psychology behind feeling protective and attached to someone who might treat us very badly at times.

It is very common for the one who did the leaving, who broke up, to have a very hard time, because they have the burden of having had made the decision. When someone breaks up with us, we have to accept the realty, we have no control over what has been handed to us. You are in the position of having to stick to your decision, which can be very trying.

You will most likely go through all the stahgs of grieving you might want to read up about it, or a self help book about breaking up if you think it might help. Usually it goes something like, denial, bargaining, anger, acceptance. Bargaining is kind of the stage where you want it to be different, wonder what you can do to change things, or just wish it could be different, maybe you are there now?

These type of break ups, from what I have seen among friends and myself, no official stats here, take about 4–6 months to start feeling normal and having a good time with others again. About that long that he is not in our thoughts the second we wake up, able to go a couple of days without missing him at all. Sometimes it is much faster, I hope it is for you.

Hang out with friends, keep seeing your therapist to talk things through. Know that you are not alone, many people understand what you are going through. People will tell you to forget him and that you should not waste your time caring about someone like that, but I understand why that is so very difficult. It probably feels like you habe no control over your brain and emotions. I promise you will feel better over time and get completely over him, and look back and see things more clearly. My one word of advice about reframing this in your mind is, if one of your friends was going through this, dating someone like that, and you were on the outside, what would you advise them? If you can think about it like that, be more objective it might help you stay the course.

He does fit every sign of an abusive man. I promise you have done the right thing leaving him. He has so many symptoms of it, I don’t believe he will ever change, and I am one of those people who believes people can change. He is a master manipulator, believe me. I believe he would cheat on you in a second. Lie, separate you from your friends and family over time.

marinelife's avatar

You absolutely did the right thing. The possessiveness and the slap were abuse. The fact that he told you he would be with you and then did not break it off with his girlfriend. Keep reminding yourself of these things if you start to daydream about him.

Try to find some new people to be friends with and some new interests to take your mind off of him.

Do not go back! Keep talking to your therapist.

flutherother's avatar

Just realise that it is over. The slap tells you all you need to know. If you go back to him it will happen again and it will get worse. His problems have the potential to make your life a living hell.

captainsmooth's avatar

Give yourself some time. You don’t get over losing what you thought was a friend overnight. Whenever you have some doubt, remember that he put his hands on you out of anger, instead of love. You deserve better.

warka1's avatar

The cause:


hold something postive

food's avatar

Congratulate yourself on having made the right decision and don´t second guess yourself. Especially since you could get yourself into a fix if you thrust yourself into the tornado again. Be happy that you got out in time, or you will surely regret it later… Have some hope and think that you can find someone better in the future. Don´t settle for what you´re already familiar with, keep being brave and think of it as a growing process. Work a little more on letting him go so that you have room for someone new and exciting in your life! If you keep on with this, so many more things could go wrong, and you would end up hitting bottom anyway further on, but after unfortunately suffering worse consequences… don´t imagine him getting better, imagine him getting worse! What would you do to get your life back if you subjected yourself and got accustomed to more abuse from him! I´m being realistic, not pessimistic. I know you want to save the world, many of us do, but you need to protect yourself. I read something that mentioned that you have to protect your life/heart/person just like you would protect your house from invaders. He qualifies as a robber, an invader, and you have to take the measures to ensure that your house won´t be broken into again. That should be your first priority. After that, if you have any energy left, then you can use it for other purposes. But if you know that helping him will hurt you, maybe think that staying away from him will be a better lesson from him. Consider that by staying away from him you are actually helping him more, what do you think about that? If you don´t let him get away with his abuse, you are actually teaching him a much needed lesson.

Kokoro's avatar

Thanks all so much, everything has helped me…. however I have been thinking, I feel like I was too mean when I ended it, name calling and speaking down to him. Should I try to speak to him to end things on a better note since I’m much more calm now?

JLeslie's avatar

No. If you talk to him it is likely to make you feel worse.

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