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punkrockworld's avatar

Why can't I get over him?

Asked by punkrockworld (960points) May 28th, 2008

I dated this guy a while back.And even though I know he wasn’t the best bf,still I think he’s better than other guys. I know he’s seeing someone now and haven’t seen him in a while.Just thinking of him makes me sick to my stomache.When will that pain stop?

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20 Answers

skfinkel's avatar

How long did you go out with him? If it was a long time, it might take some time to get over him. If it was shorter, you might be in for less pain.

richmarshall's avatar

Your statement that he wasn’t the best bf says it all. Don’t settle for second best. With that said, get out there and meet new people. Sometimes time and meeting new people will help you move on.

punkrockworld's avatar

Not even that long- about 5 months. I realized I loved him when it was over. That’s why I blame most of it on myself. I don’t think he knew I loved him. I never told him because I wasn’t sure that was what he wanted to hear.

skfinkel's avatar

There’s a great movie about just this situation, I think it is called “Swingers” or something, and it is about a guy who is just devastated about a breakup with his girlfriend. It ends well. But he sure suffered.

Interesting, though, that you didn’t tell your boyfriend you loved him. Maybe there was a reason for that—even beyond what you thought he might want to hear.

In any case, just know that you will get better.

lovelyy's avatar

Well we are in the same boat, except for the love part I was not in love with him. We didnt date that long but we had the chemistry. I broke up with him and I still feel like it was a mistake. I does text and email me out of the blue all the time. Does your guy do the same? Maybe that is the reason you’re stuck on him.

PandorasBlocks's avatar

I find that when I have trouble releasing an ex it’s often because I’m still focused on what I wanted to be in the context of that “us”. I’ve had to convince myself that I’m better as a ME, connected to another human or not.

Hardest thing I’ve ever done – still doing day by day. Best of luck and all the lurve in the world!!

marinelife's avatar

Since you say he wasn’t the best boyfriend, maybe he is just looking good through the rosy glasses of absence. Get active, get interested in other guys and other things. That way there will be less time to think of him.

Good luck. It’s always painful, but never fatal.

jlm11f's avatar

To restate Marina, grass is always greener on the other side.

DeezerQueue's avatar

You can get over him. You have to make the decision to get over him. Once you’ve made the decision to get over him. Have you done that yet? Do you want to get over him or is hanging on to him in some way, even if it’s in your memories, giving you some sense of satisfaction or happiness?

If you want to get over him then you need to stop thinking about him every time he enters your mind. Every time he pops into your mind you need to tell yourself “stop.” And then get busy doing something else, start thinking about something else.

You already recognize that he was not the best boyfriend, and that should be enough to want to stop thinking about him. Why would a person want to hold on to feelings from a guy that wasn’t the best for you? Does it make sense when you ask yourself that question? Probably not. Be responsible to yourself and stop wasting time and energy on him when you could be spending it on something worthwhile! I wish you much strength!

TheCouncil's avatar

Sounds like unresolved feelings. You realized things after the fact and now its unfinished business. No good way to deal with that other than coming to terms and realizing that if it is right your paths will cross again. If it wasn’t then take the good feelings and leave the rest in the rain.

Adina1968's avatar

I once dated a guy who I thought about everyday for two years after our relationship ended. The relationship ended very abruptly and it was hard to accept. He just decided to stop talking to me one day. I didn’t do anything wrong, he apparently had started dating another girl who was just friends at the time out of the blue. We didn’t even have a bad relationship. I was heartbroken and to make matters worse I couldn’t talk to him about it because he refused to talk to me. I just let him be but the whole thing just through me for a loop. We had a great relationship and really cared about each other. People outside of our relationship even thought the whole thing was nuts and they were’nt just my friends. Literally not a day would pass for two years that I did not think about him every day. He was just always somewhere in my thoughts. Even though I had moved on and started dating other people. I believe he was my first love. It took me a long time to come to the point where I just came to not think or care about him anymore. One day he showed up at a place I worked at out of the blue like 12 years later. He didn’t know that I worked there, I worked in a veterinary office and he brought his cat in for treatment. I almost had a heart attack. I think he did too. LOL! Before he left he asked me if I wanted to go outside and “talk”. I agreed. Outside he began to say something and I interrupted him and told him that it was my turn to not want to talk to him and that he should no that the way he just up and cut me out of his life one day out of the blue was cruel and I think that he is a cowardly low life who wasn’t even worthy of my time and then I walked away. I was extreamly happily married at that point in my life anyway. Belive me though finally telling him how he had made me feel was AWESOME! The point of my long drawn out story is that it can take a very long time to get over someone, but you WILL get over them and someone new and better will come along who appreciates you for who you are. Hang in there!

indicatebound's avatar

Yeah punkrock, you’re not alone. I’m at about month 6 in basically the exact situation Adina described (though in my case, it was my girlfriend that decided to stop talking to me and start dating another boy with whom she had been friends – although they had been sleeping together, I just didn’t realize that). Just hang in there, I guess. There’s not really anything you can do about thinking about him.

DeezerQueue's avatar

@Adina1968 I think sometimes we see things through rose colored glasses, when to others there are flares going off all over the place. Many women who have been cheated upon have some sneaking suspicion that there’s something going on, but because it’s so painful to face, they begin to rationalize it away, believing that the relationship is good.

Sometimes it’s not necessarily a good thing to ignore our intuition.

osakarob's avatar

Punkrockworld, I’d really like to ask how old you are. You have written so many questions on this site related to “boyfriends/girlfriends, infidelity, dating, realtionships, etc.” Romance and dating obviously weigh heavily on your mind right now.

Just wondering if you are by chance still in your teenage years?

kaleidoscopic's avatar

When you can finally be at peace with the fact that you two just weren’t cut out for each other. I know it’s hard, but try to get rid of all the things he got you.

punkrockworld's avatar

@osakarob // Yes, I’m 19 and i never really had a real relationship.

flameboi's avatar

O.k. that feeling stops when you finally realize that there must be something better out there for you, everything happens for a reason, and we are all like a candy wrap taken by the wind, be patient, everything comes to an end, even that feeling

indicatebound's avatar

I’m still not over her . . . how are you doing? Better, I hope :)

noraasnave's avatar

@punkrockworld: I can give you some practical steps to get him out of your life and mind for good. This helped me in the past to move on. I went through some counseling as well, it was free for me so why not?

Anyway, throw out/delete all pictures of the EX. Throw out all reminders of your shared time together. delete the phone number off of the cell phone. Delete their email address out of your address book, for a paper address book you can white them out or erase them, commit more time to your friends and family. Commit time to growth in a new area that you have been interested in but hesitant to step out. Change jobs if they are at that job. Throw away the perfume that you bought just because they liked it, and throw away any clothes they may have left at your house, or sell it on ebay.

Take away the things that remind you of them and you will probably feel better most of the time.

Think of advertisements. Companies pay millions and billions to get products in front of your eyes on TV and in the movies, because if you see them you will remember them especially if there is emotion tied to the objects.

Use the opposite strategy to ‘purge’ all your visual input so that person doesn’t have any advertisements around.

If you don’t put something else in that new empty spot, perhaps a friendship, family member, or yourself (self improvement, growth) then you will continue to pine for them anyway. This is what I experienced.

Hope this helps. I think you are taking a very healthy first step by asking this question.

<presses that was easy button>

broken's avatar

Sometimes we can be addicted to bad relationships. I was in a bad marriage for 5 years and experienced much of the broken heart that you are experiencing. I thought I would never be able to move on and go through a day without crying and feeling hurt. From my experience, if he wasn’t “the best boyfriend”, you shouldn’t be in that relationship, regardless of your feelings for him an unhealthy relationship is NEVER a good one to be in. I know this may not make any sense to you now, but you will get over him but you have to learn to not settle and be certain how you feel. Sometimes our feelings are more intense when we are not with someone or when they are dating someone else and if you get back with the person, you realize that what you were feeling felt like love but really wasnt. Its not a good sign that you realize that you love someone after they have left and is now dating someone else. Did you break up with him or did he break up with you?

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