Social Question

mazingerz88's avatar

Do you think a relationship really has no recourse but to dissolve if either party refuses to join in a move?

Asked by mazingerz88 (25284points) June 24th, 2012

I have a friend who is about to leave his country to start a new life with his GF in another. He is conflicted about the move yet seems more certain that he really wants to be with her. I think they could very well stay where they are, but that’s just my opinion. Other friends of ours are pushing him to remain where he wants to be, possibly forcing his GF to stay as well.

[ Also, in which other places on this Earth of ours would you never agree to move to, forcing you to possibly end your relationship with someone? More of just a fun question here. ]

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17 Answers

bolwerk's avatar

Most likely. I did the long distance thing a few times, and besides being expensive, it’s easy to get bored with the stress of it.

That said, some people enjoy all kinds of odd arrangements.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

The first scenario has a lot against it, most obviously his friends. Whether he goes or stays, his gf now knows (or will really soon) his friends aren’t for it and to her it may feel like his heart isn’t in it. I see a lot of shite coming to hit the fan. Even if they tried to have a long distance relationship, the odds are against them, especially if friends don’t support them both.

As to the sub question, I’m married now so that means neither person would make the other go where they wouldn’t want to be. If I was still single though, I wouldn’t want to move away to a country where women are afforded less social freedom than what I have here in the USA.

Coloma's avatar

True “love” is never about holding someone back from their deepest desires. short of any seriously questionable foolishness or addiction.
Compromise is part of relationship but not gross self sacrifice. Or, should I say, self sacrifice in a selfish sense, not true self sacrifice, as in, taking yourself out of the picture in order to champion anothers highest choices for their own life experience, opportunities. Resentment is a huge issue in many relationships, people conforming against their true selves and being a go along, but secretly resenting their partner for what they perceive as their own manipulated sacrifices. Bah!

“Love” is freeing not controlling and guilt tripping.
This sort of decision needs to be all about self for the best possible outcome.

marinelife's avatar

They could try long distance for awhile, but the odds would be against them.

YARNLADY's avatar

I’ve been married for 37 years now, and I have been willing to move anywhere his career takes him.

zenvelo's avatar

My mother moved 40 times in the first 39 years of marriage because my father was transferred to job sites (he was a construction engineer). But they always moved back to San Francisco, that was the life they chose to live.

But my girlfriend has just started a job (best paying she’s ever had) this week 200 miles away, and this is going to fade out our relationship. I would have to quit my higher paying job of over 30 years, and deal with moving my high school kids away from their mom. It’s not worth it now. Maybe different 8 or 10 years from now.

This is a decision that only the two can make, together or separately, but it is not the decision of friends or even family. The two need to decide what is best for the two of them.

As to places I’d never move to: most of Africa (too dangerous) much of South-east Asia or the Middle East. And not Mexico, too much cartel danger.

Dutchess_III's avatar

My folks moved because of my Dad’s promotion, several times during the first 10 years. I wonder if men are as willing today to relocate if their woman gets a different job offer in a different state?

Aethelflaed's avatar

Yeah. Long distance has always seemed more like a temporary thing, a way to stay together until you can be together later. It’s hard enough being a couple hours away from someone else – having to go to another country? What’s the point of even being in a relationship when you can’t go to the movies, or to the park, or out to dinner, or just cuddle (and that other “cuddling”) at home with your partner, much less move in together or get a pet/plant/kid? Ever? Just, why? What’s the future? “I hope that, in 15 years, our Skype chats will have better audio syncing, and I can afford to visit you three times a year instead of just two.”?

Places I wouldn’t move: Places that have a lot of anti-gay or anti-women laws. (So… huge portions of the Earth). Most of the US; I don’t really like rural, conservative, or cold areas, which really leaves a few big cities, many of which I can’t afford to live in.

linguaphile's avatar

I’m moving to my 8th state, so uprooting and relocating isn’t the problem for me. My hesitation would be whether the person I was moving to live with was the same in person as he/she was on Skype, text, emails, etc. My policy for myself is never to move for someone, but to move for myself so that I can be happy with the move in case things didn’t work out with that person.

Would I give up my plans, job and lifestyle for another person? I can’t honestly answer that. It would depend on what I was giving up to be with that person.

Places I wouldn’t move- California (the COL scares me!!), Alabama (my true home, but it’s too fundamentalist and Red for my comfort), back to Montana and Minnesota (bad experiences), any rural area, any place anti-gay or anti-women, and if I can help it, I will never live in another “generational” town—a place where generations of the same families live, who control the town, and shun outsiders.

Bill1939's avatar

Whether or not one should give up vocational opportunities in order to be with the person they love is one of life’s many hard choices. Love alone, regardless of how deeply it is felt, is an insufficient reason to sacrifice an individual’s hoped for future. Too often when such sacrifices are made bitterness and resentment arise that poisons the relationship.

If the goal of the relationship is to raise a family, then a temporary separation so that the primary bread winner (male or female) can establish a relatively secure situation is reasonable. However, such relationships may not survive because opportunities to fall in love with another person, despite the best of intentions, often occur during a separation.

When an existing family is involved, the question depends in part upon whether current employment provides what the adults feel is adequate to meet their family’s needs. If the answer is no, then the entire family should relocate if that will secure the required financial means.

King_Pariah's avatar

A bird cannot soar with one wing. So yeah, I suppose so.

JLeslie's avatar

I always have said one of the biggest difficulties in a marriage is if the two people want to live in different places, this includes different states, not just different countries.

Other big things are if one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, and very different spending and saving habits.

I know many many people in reationships where the two people are from different countries, or the couple might be from the same country, but one of them has a job that moves them a lot. Basically if it is because of a job, the spouse has to be on board in general that they are willing to move. If the assignment is a year or less I think the people can easily live in two different places and visit once a month more or less, but more than a year isn’t a good idea in my opinion, unless they have been married a long time and their marriage is for sure very united and forever.

My husband fairly early in our relationship asked if I was willing to move if his job required it. I said yes. He broke up with the girl before me because she was not willing. We did live apart for 9 months when he was expatted to Colombia. Every month either he came home or I went there. We have moved a few times to different states for his career. However, if I am very unhappy living somewhere he effectively gets another job or position so we can make another move. His job as breadwinner has controlled to some extent where we live, but we still are united about our overall happiness about where we live, and the job does not dictate everything.

Assuming the relationship is a good one that is being considered as a very committed maybe forever relationship I think he should move with her if he is ok with the idea. Give it a try. If it sucks he can come back. Although, the one big question I have is will he be able to easily get working papers in the new country?

Bart19's avatar

I moved to another country to be with the one I love. My long distance girlfriend (now wife), was unable to learn the language and we had no support system to look after us. She would’ve been isolated and without her being employed, we would have experienced a lot of stress and financial issues. On the other hand, I was a first year university student (aged 19), born and raised in a different culture and used to living close to my relatives. Anyway I made my decision, dropped out, picked up my education abroad and we got married. It was a risky move to make but there are no regrets. In fact it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

If it’s a serious long distance relationship, somebody will have to move eventually. It’s all about compromising and not being pressurised.

wundayatta's avatar

I think only very special people can handle a long distance relationship. I’m not one of those. I need to be with my partner. I need physical affection, and if I don’t get it, I start to get grumpy and then, if it lasts long enough, I start to get sick.

I think other people don’t need that kind of affection nearly as much as I do. Some even relish the break that having a ldr gives them. They want to be on their own, and physical touch may be too much for them. Or they may have a low sex drive.

It’s an individual thing, and depends on the people involved. No one could advise your friends, unless they knew them. Even then, it’s not clear, but most likely they can advise themselves. And most likely, they won’t agree to anything that is painful for one or both of them.

hug_of_war's avatar

For some people yes, but for me no. After 3.5 years of long-distance, I am over it. It sucks. And no amount of skyping, or phone calls or texts compares to actually living near someone. If I was in a circumstance where he was moving and I had to choose to stay or go, it would be a decision to move or break up. I would never ever ever do long-distance again unless there was a set time it would be over.

This isn’t even a sex thing for me, as I don’t believe in sex outside of marriage, or being a physical affection type thing as I need it a lot less than the average person. It is that being in a LDR means you are living separate lives. No matter how much time you skype or whatever, your lives are not joined.

I get some people would do anything for love. That is the right choice for them. But for me, I think there are plenty of people I’m capable of loving and who are capable of loving me. If I’m not committed enough to the person at that point to move, an LDR is probably not going to help me much. They are too complicated, too messy, and I’d rather us both move on then try to make something work like that.

roundsquare's avatar

I think long distance with a plan is fine. E.g. away for a few months or away till the other person gets a job in the new locale, etc… is (potentially) fine. I say potentially because some people (like @wundayatta it appears) wouldn’t be okay with even that.

As for the friends advising, I’m not as skeptical as some other people on this thread. If they are doing it right, then its fine. I.e. if they are just trying to make sure he is really sure, that is great. Sometimes the way to do that is to make the person question themselves (that works pretty well with me, for example).

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