Social Question

Blackberry's avatar

I'm sorry to be asking one of "those" questions, but is there any criteria used to determine whether a woman is being friendly or flirtatious?

Asked by Blackberry (31712points) July 8th, 2012

And if she does seem to be into you, are there any guidelines for knowing if and when she hints for you to ask her out?

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104 Answers

bkcunningham's avatar

If you are both single adults and you like each other, ask her out. What do you have to lose?

Dutchess_III's avatar

Could you give us some examples of what she is doing or saying? Maybe we can help you interpret.

AmWiser's avatar

I don’t think there are any guidelines for such situations. The question is are you interested in her? If so ask her out. If she’s interested she’ll say yes. And what @bkcunningham said.;-)

Dutchess_III's avatar

I’m glad you’re asking this question @Blackberry. As a young woman I just hated it when you were simply being polite to a guy and they took it to mean you wanted them to hit on you.

bkcunningham's avatar

I always hated when I wanted a guy to ask me ask and he never did, @Dutchess_III. I say ask her out. You aren’t going to marry her. Just ask her out to dinner or a movie and have fun. Enjoy the evening. Laugh and make a friend if nothing else.

Blackberry's avatar

I feel like such a nerd lol.

We were alone in a room painting (volunteering to paint this old school). We started talking and we had a god rapport. We agreed drinking all the time is pointless and how we like to do other things, then we agreed none of our current friends like to do anything except drink. So I think I was supposed to ask her to do something….

I’m on my phone so sorry for the wait lol.

jordym84's avatar

Just go for it. There’s a 50% chance she’ll say no, just as there’s a 50% chance she’ll say yes, and there’s only one way to find out: ask her directly. Best of luck :)

Dutchess_III's avatar

Hey…if you had a god rapport I think you need to propose marriage!
I’d ask her out. Something casual.

Pol_is_aware's avatar

Ask her out the SECOND you catch her looking at your package

Dutchess_III's avatar

Anyone notice that he hasn’t denied that he’s a virgin? Muhaaaaaa!

@Pol_is_aware You don’t know much about women, do you.

Sunny2's avatar

@Blackberry “I’ve enjoyed talking to you. Would you like to continuing talking? Maybe over coffee?” Easy for her to say yes or no or Maybe another time. Casual enough that you aren’t pushing; just interested.

Blackberry's avatar

And no, I’m not a virgin. I just act like one sometimes :/

Kardamom's avatar

I have noticed that women who are interested in you, as more than just a friend, will get a slightly high pitched giggling laugh, like a little girl (it’s un-mistakeable and silly). And she will produce this laugh no matter what you say, whether it’s funny or not.

She will probably repeatedly flip her hair, or take a piece of it between her fingers and twirl it.

She might also make some sort of double entendre statments, to which if called on it, she will say, “You’re so naughty, that’s not what I meant.” And commence with the laugh again.

She’ll stand super close to you and “accidentally” brush up against you, repeatedly. A girl who is merely a friend, might say something like, “Oh I’m sorry, didn’t mean to goose you!” or “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to step on your foot/bump into you/crowd you.” The girl who wants to date you won’t apologize for touching you.

Women who are just being friendly, will also talk to other people, males and female and doesn’t mind if other people join in the conversation. The girl that wants to date you, will try to pull you away from or isolate you from other women.

Women who are just being friendly will not likely develop the silly laugh although they may guffaw loudly and proudly if you say something funny. Women who are just being friendly won’t giggle if you say something stupid or mean or rude, they’ll probably raise an eyebrow or tell you off, politely or not so politely. Women who want to date you will get the giggle and give you a fake slap and say something like, “You’re so mean, hee hee hheeee.” with a big smile on their face.

Women who are just being friendly will gladly bring over other people and introduce them to you, both males and females. A woman who wants to date you will avoid doing that, even if she came there with other people.

A woman who is just being friendly, if she spills something on herself, will say something like, “Oh my god, what a klutz, will you excuse me while I go to the ladies room.” A woman who wants to date you will ask you if you have a napkin and maybe ask if you could help her wipe up the mess. Then she will get the giggle and say something like, “I’m so embarrassed.” but if she was really embarrassed she’d get up and go to the ladies room.

A woman who is just being friendly will order what she wants from a menu. A woman who wants to date you will often say, “Oooh yummy, that sounds good, I’ll have the raw oysters/giant cheeseburger/whatever you are ordering.” Makes it look like you have something in common, even if you don’t.

A woman who is interested in dating you might make some odd/vague statement like, “You remind me of someone I used to know.” But she won’t tell you who that someone is. Could be a teacher, or an old flame. Think about it, she wants you to feel like you’re special to her and you remind her of something good. If you reminded her of someone she didn’t like, it would be very rude to bring it up and then she’d have to have to try to explain it.

The only reason I know about this stuff is because I’m ususally the one who is just being friendly, so I know what I say and do. On the other side of the coin, my best friend’s boyfriend is in a band so I’ve seen and heard it all by these little cuties who try to pick up on him. It’s actually quite theatrical.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, women don’t normally glance at a man’s package the way men glance at women’s attributes. It doesn’t have the same importance to us.

Blackberry's avatar

@Kardamom I don’t know if it makes a difference, but this woman is a marine…..lol. She has a tougher exterior and isn’t the giggling type.

Pol_is_aware's avatar

@Dutchess_III I was just giving a funny example, but there are ways to tell if a woman is attracted to you by watching for subtle queues.

Kardamom's avatar

@Blackberry Hmmm. She’s probably more likely to be a little more straight foward, then. I think if she smiles a lot at you (not a pursed lipped smile, which means that she thinks you are a dork but she’s trying to be polite) and she points out some of the things that you have in common when they come up, then that’s a pretty good sign that she’s interested in you. Also, if she hasn’t mentioned some other guy that’s a pretty good sign too. And if she asks you multiple questions about whether you’ve done this or that (that’s a hint that she’d like to try these activities with you) that’s a good sign too.

I like the idea of asking her out on a very casual outing, rather than a dinner and movie date. Try to remember something she said she likes to do and then say something like, “Have you ever been to the such and such park? They have a nice bike trail. Are you free on Saturday?” And see what she says. Good luck, you’re a great catch!

bkcunningham's avatar

We need our update girl to tell you to update us. Where is jca? Details. We want details. Ask her out for crying out loud. You are very funny and smart as a whip. What’s the matter, do you stink?

Blackberry's avatar

@Kardamom Thanks ;-)
When I see her again, I’ll make an attempt if she’s still receptive. She actually didn’t bring up any guys and asked me what I’ve done.

Blackberry's avatar

@bkcunningham I don’t stink, I just have no spine. Haha. I need to take more risks in life.

Kardamom's avatar

@Blackberry, I’d also like to commend you for the fact that this is happening in real life and not on a dating website or Facebook, where it’s much harder to figure out what is going on. : )

Dutchess_III's avatar

@Pol_is_aware Trouble is, so many men imagine they’re seeing “subtle clues” that aren’t there.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

I hate to tell you this @Blackberry, but there is no blueprint. All women are different in how they show their interest. You have to take each case individually. Consider it a new mystery to solve with every female you might be interested in.

Coloma's avatar

Well, I’m the type of woman that is very outgoing and gregarious. I chat up everyone and have often had men think I am being flirtatious when I am just being myself!
Years ago my ex husband told me a friend of his asked him if I was coming on to him when tossing around humor and witty banter, my ex just laughed and said ” no, she’s like that with EVERYONE!” lol
I’m an entertainer and comedienne at heart, it’s my personality, and not based on any sort of attention seeking.

I LIKE to make people laugh and catch them off guard with my perverse humor.
My ex husband actually said to me once when we were going to a work/pleasure related convention that he ” couldn’t wait to see me messing with people.” haha
From MY perspective I’m just having fun. I think you need to ASK a women what her intentions are if you’re unsure.

Personally it has irritated me over the years that my naturally friendly and demonstrative personality is mistaken for ” Oooh she wants me!”

Kardamom's avatar

@Coloma I totally agree with you, only I, when I was younger, and was not very outgoing, and rather quiet and shy, I also had men assuming, “Oooh she wants me!” I could never figure it out. I think just the fact that a woman is breathing is enough for some guys LOL.

Have you ever seen one of those guys who asks out a woman at a party, gets turned down, and then just moves on down the line, continuing to ask other women?

Coloma's avatar

@Kardamom

Oh lord, I JUST had this happen yesterday, joking with a group of friends and some people I didn’t know. We were all having a couple of Coronas and I was joking about being orally fixated, liking to eat, drink, talk, and a little while later this man came up to me with a slimey gleam in his eye and said ” You know when you were talking about being orally fixated” and proceeded to make his move. Gah!

Go AWAY, you ARE the weakest link! haha

Blueroses's avatar

It’s funny, but I have the same issue not only with men but with same sex acquaintances. It’s not that easy to make friends as an adult or to tell if people are being situationally polite or are really interested in knowing you better.

I just say something like “Oh, since we both like ____, we should go together some time”. If the response is enthusiastic, I’ll offer something specific like, “If you’re not working Sunday, do you wanna go see that movie/gallery show/try the tapas at that new place?”

At least you’ve opened the door and most people respond positively to that.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@Coloma you should know by now that there are some words you don’t use around men because they will misinterpret it. Get a dictionary and start with the first word in it, in the ‘A’s’ Type them all, down to the last one under ‘Z’, then post it for us so the younguns girls know what words not to use.

Coloma's avatar

@Dutchess_III Jesus mercy, it’s a wonder the species has made it this far. haha

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

OK. Read down to @Kardamom, then it got long.

#1) I agree with her. Tell a bad joke. If she laughs, its on.

#2) If she allows you to touch her, usually she does not find you repulsive. Lower back is a big key. Touch her lower back when you are escorting her somewhere. If she is making a lot of eye contact with you after doing this, probably into you.

Aethelflaed's avatar

I think I might be really bad at being a woman.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Oh, that’s good. If she doesn’t flinch away at a touch, that is a good sign.

bkcunningham's avatar

I have a feeling he isn’t going to be able to pull off the subtle touch on the lower back just yet.

Aethelflaed's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought I suck at all these things. Apparently, there’s some kind of code I’m supposed to be using to let people know I’m into them?

Dutchess_III's avatar

@Aethelflaed I always flinched if a guy touched me me too early, even if I thought I might be interested. If they touched me too early it’s like, “OK. Whatever. Here we go again. Go away.” You’ll know it when you don’t want to flinch.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@Aethelflaed only men need these skills. I am convinced it is why women like older men. They take awhile to develop to pull off subconsciously.

jca's avatar

@bkcunningham: Here I am! Waiting to see if the girl is willing to go out with him!

Blueroses's avatar

I also don’t care for people touching me (either sex) if I don’t know them well. I don’t know where they’ve been! Nor do I like someone I don’t know to use pet names like “doll”, “kiddo” or “honey” unless it’s a very old lady who can’t be legally smacked.

Coloma's avatar

Older men are not always more savvy in their approach, seriously, the older the dog often the more desperate and horny they are. They know their meaty bone is turning to gristle and they are desperate to fill up old mother Hubbards cupboard. lol

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@Blueroses I get positive responses to “eye candy”.

mazingerz88's avatar

Yes, definitely. If her mouth accidentally falls open on your dick and starts sucking, that would be flirting. If it’s not accidental…well…!

Blueroses's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought “eye candy” hee hee. That just shows you’re interested in filling their cavities.

bkcunningham's avatar

I’m confused.

yankeetooter's avatar

“The girl who wants to date you won’t apologize for touching you…”

Does this apply to guys as well?

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@yankeetooter Women are so subtle men fail to even see what they are doing most of the time, especially the men worth dating.

Most guys who think you are great and worth dating will assume you are worth a guy much better than them. So you touch his arm to indicate a desire for intimacy. He remembers that time you touched your female friends who you have platonic feelings for, and that time you punched him for telling an off color joke.

Most women touch, most men refrain from touching and are guarded. It will not be interpreted as an overture to romance.

Kardamom's avatar

@yankeetooter I’m afraid some douchey guys who don’t know any better will touch you, grab you, rub up against you, poke their man thingee into the back of you (at a concert or on a bus or in an elevator) and hope that you will be flattered and want to f*ck them. Those men will not apologize for touching you and might even deny that they did it, but I wouldn’t exactly say that they want to date you, they just want to sleep with you.

A nice guy, who may want to actually date you is not likely to do any subtle touching (in the way that a female would) because it would come off more as agressive or creepy. They’re more likely to come right out and ask you out, even if it means a rejection. The nice touching comes after you say yes. Although a few nice men might stand close enough to you to let your shoulders touch, or let your knees touch if you are sitting next to each other. But it’s very gentle touching, and they’ll probably already be talking nicely and non-creepily to you. That’s an easy way to figure out if a nice guy is interested in dating you.

@Coloma girl, you are on fire today!

Blackberry's avatar

Well I may not see her until next week. The only time I see her is at the volunteer events. Just so you guys aren’t waiting forever, lol. And thanks for all the advice, everyone :)

Coloma's avatar

@Kardamom, yes, I have a Bowser sniffing around my cupboard right now. Sigh…it is so exhausting for women trying to keep rodents out of our pantries. lololol

Kardamom's avatar

@Blackberry, honey we’re already planning your wedding! ; – )

Coloma's avatar

@Blackberry Can’t you create a volunteer position sooner than a few weeks?
Sex for the sexless fund raiser or something?

Kardamom's avatar

@Coloma What kind of cookies would he have to sell for an event like that?

yankeetooter's avatar

@Kardamom and @Imadethisupwithnoforethought…the guy I was thinking of sat next to me and rested his arm right up against and touching mine…he didn’t apologize or pull away (nor did I!), and he did this on two separate occasions. He also one other time touched my shoulder twice, although I think he was just trying to get my attention those times (in a mundane way). I was just wondering if it might possibly mean anything…

Blueroses's avatar

omg @Coloma I read that as “keep rodents out of our panties”! On second thought… that’s exactly what you meant!

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@yankeetooter I was introduced to a woman at work one time who was a professional physical trainer. The boss told me to show her the systems. She literally had a body built through a lifetime of professional effort and a pretty face.

Under the desk, she spread her legs until our knees were touching. I left them in contact.

Would I, as a man, logically conclude that a beautiful physical trainer who was married was making a random sexual overture towards me or she was just a woman unfamiliar with how attractive she was to men and how forward her contact was?

Kardamom's avatar

@yankeetooter if you already knew the guy, even if you just met him and had been chatting with him and enjoying his company and he was smiling kindly at you, and chatting back with you then maybe yes. If you had never even had any kind of conversation with him, then he was either too wrapped up in his own business to realize that he was touching you, but more than likely, he was trying to feel you up, which is creepy.

yankeetooter's avatar

@Kardamom…I had already known the guy for about a month at that point…

Coloma's avatar

@Blueroses Yes, that’s what I meant, gotta try and keep a ” Havaheart” trap around and humanely relocate the busy little beaver boys.. haha
@Kardamom I was thinking that @Blackberry could auction himself off, take the highest bid on a date. I’ll whip up a couple of dozen happy brownies to make the auctioneering more lively.

Kardamom's avatar

@yankeetooter If you knew him already, and he seemed pleasant otherwise, then he probably was interested in you, and signaling you by touching you. As long as he wasn’t groping you. LOL.

I hope this isn’t the same guy you had all the trouble with last year, because even though someone might initially flirt with you, that doesn’t mean they necessarily want a relationship with you. I have plenty of male friends who touch me and I touch them back, maybe it’s a little bit flirtatious (some of the guys are gay) but there is no intention on anyone’s part for a romantic relationship to spring out of these encounters, it’s just that they’re long time buddies. I touch my women friends like that all the time too. It’s all about being able to read people, and take all of the surrounding activities into account too. If you just ask, “Is a man touching a woman a signal that he wants to date her?” There is no real answer to that question. You have to know more about how long you’ve known each other, in what context, what other body language signals is he giving off, what has he said to you etc. etc. etc.

Kardamom's avatar

@Coloma Can we dress him up in a boyscout uniform??? Please say yes!

Coloma's avatar

@Kardamom Hahaha…..he’ll have to earn his flirtation badge first and be able to light her fire with 2 twigs and a stone within 3 minutes or we get to dunk him in a tub of marshmallow cream and put him out in the woods with the bears. lol

yankeetooter's avatar

@Kardamom…it’s not the same guy from last year…but I still fear it may have been wishful thinking on my part…

Coloma's avatar

Knock, knock @Blackberry

We want to see a picture of you in your boy scout shorts!

Mariah's avatar

Fuck if I know, I’m just making it up as I go along. Can’t speak for other women, but if there’s some kind of universal code, I didn’t get the memo.

Blueroses's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought That’s where it gets tricky, isn’t it? Sometimes if I have to have a guy from IT showing me through a few steps on the program, we have limited space. It’s either touch and forget about any awkwardness because of circumstance or make an obvious move to avoid touching which comes off as even more awkward because probably he didn’t have any intentions at all and now I look like a paranoid freak bending my wrists at impossible positions to reach the keyboard.

Coloma's avatar

@Dutchess_III Sooo, a woman should never say “Aardvark” around a man?

Aethelflaed's avatar

@Mariah It’d be cool, though, if there was a memo…

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@Blueroses oh I can usually tell that one, I think, but I am just a guy (long after the fact, not in the moment).

If the touching was non awkward for the lady, she will initiate touching again, probably the next time you see her. If it was awkward for her, she will avoid contact in general, and specifically when you get close her body language will close up. Not that I dwelled on this stuff when I was younger and shy around women.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@Coloma NO! They’ll think you’re speaking Dutch, and telling them you want to have sex!

Coloma's avatar

@Dutchess_III Oooh baby, I like your Aardvark. lolol

ucme's avatar

It’s called common sense, not all that common though, surprisingly.

Kardamom's avatar

@yankeetooter That’s OK. When you’re shy, it makes the whole darned mating game even harder. This guy may not have been the one, but that’s OK. That should not make you stop attempting to find a friend, that may turn into a mate. You still need to do some work (maybe a bit of counseling or joining Toastmasters) to be able to get over your nervousness and shyness to the point that you can start to put yourself out there. What I mean by that, is to simply to be able to talk to people (males and females) more easily. You can’t wait for a sign from the heavens to tell you if a fellow is interested in you. You need to learn to read body language and actually talk to them (but not hound them). Be a friend first, a casual fun friend and be open to lots of possibilites and fellows. Don’t just set your sights on one. : )

@Coloma Mmmmmm Blackberry S’mores!

yankeetooter's avatar

@Kardamom…I know. I am currently trying to talk to this guy more, as I would like to be his friend at least.

Kardamom's avatar

@yankeetooter That’s good, just take it slow and casually and don’t get discouraged if he isn’t interested in a romantic relationship.

Coloma's avatar

@Kardamom Blackberry S’mores…oh my, what a visual you create! lol

Well WTH…just WHERE IS our Blackberry man? Baits us like worms on a hook and then abandons his own Q. Pffft! ;-)

Kardamom's avatar

@Coloma He’s probably cowering in the corner, because he knows that now we expect him to make a move, even if he’s changed his mind. Poor fellow.

Either that, or he’s gone over to her house to show her how to make a Blackberry S’more : P

Coloma's avatar

@Kardamom Yes, or he’s shopping for some sexy boyscout shorts. lol

Kardamom's avatar

@Coloma Like This? I especially like the green garters!

Dutchess_III's avatar

You guys are so MEAN!!!! Poor @Blackberry! Well, at least when he wears those we won’t have to worry about him losing his virginity any time soon!

Kardamom's avatar

@Dutchess_III I don’t know, he did say she was a Marine, so maybe she likes a man in uniform ; – )

Coloma's avatar

@Kardamom LOL..oh my, looks like a young Mr. Rodgers!
Could we just destroy a mans self esteem tag teaming? haha
@Dutchess_III Have a cocktail and join us, if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em! lol

@Blackberry you know we love you!

Besides he’s a sailor, if he could survive the pollywog hazing he can take a few women razzing him.
Next…get on all fours and take a bottle of Habanero sauce down the shorts! lololol

Dutchess_III's avatar

Mint Julipes on the porch ladies! We have some chatting to do!

Blackberry's avatar

Wtf has this turned into?

Coloma's avatar

@Blackberry Hahahaha…we’ve been carrying on all night and day, where have you been?

Blackberry's avatar

I won’t be on as much. I’m in an extensive school. The military loves to cram two years of courses into nine months. This causes nothing but back to back data dumps most of the time. Now I’m analyzing charts to identify various weather systems.

bkcunningham's avatar

Might I suggest NOT using the various weather systems as a starting point for asking your lovely young friend out on a date. Perhaps, you could say something like, I heard it is suppose to be nice Sunday. Would you like to go for a ____. (You fill in the blank. Something like, ice cream, run, swim, bite to eat and movie…)

Dutchess_III's avatar

Would you be a dear and refresh our Mint Julips before you go, @Blackberry? The girls and I have SOOO much to discuss.

Coloma's avatar

“Oooh baby, my high pressure is is ready to raise your dew point”. lololol

bkcunningham's avatar

I don’t think I’d like a mint julep. May I have something different, please, @Blackberry? I mean, if you are taking drink orders. A cold sangria would be nice. Mmmm

Dutchess_III's avatar

Sangria. Excellent choice @bkcunningham. Excellent. Chill on ice please

“Now girls, as I was saying, Blackberry has this girl problem we need to fix it for him. The problem is…...”

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@Blackberry Another tip. Order man drinks regardless of what the ladies are drinking. You lose points if your drink has sugar in it.

Blackberry's avatar

@Coloma Uh, high pressure typically doesn’t raise dew point, but does the opposite. Lol. Maybe something along the lines of increasing my altitude to reach her saturation point. :)

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought Darn, I kind of wanted a mint julip with everyone else :/

Blueroses's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought He still gets points because the drink contains whiskey. You only lose man-points for schnapps, flavored vodka and the like.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@Blueroses when I think about the man points system, I wonder how we reproduced before alcohol was discovered.

Dutchess_III's avatar

LOLLL!! Carry on!

Blueroses's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought When was that time? You have read the translations of the walls of Pompeii and the psalms to grape and love that were spoken before we humans ever thought of writing?

Because it’s new to me doesn’t mean it’s new to humanity. We’ve always been a lusty, drunken lot.

Coloma's avatar

@Blackberry Well…just make sure you put a condom on your barometer. lol

Blueroses's avatar

@Coloma every good military member knows to put a tarp over the ammo supply.

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