Social Question

wmspotts's avatar

What kind of cheating is this?

Asked by wmspotts (456points) August 15th, 2012

My boyfriend (I’m a guy btw) and I have been together for three years. I know the term soul mates is thrown around a lot, but we truly were. In the last three years, we’ve gotten a place together, gotten two dogs, met each other parents, joined finances and basically share everything. We’re soo insanely tight we’re best friends as well as partners.

Tonight he told me he was going out with some co-workers from his new job. He said he was going to a wine-bar. The night before he went out with some female friends from his previous job, just to catch up. He’s been acting odd all week and really depressed, crying a lot. I felt a strange feeling that something might be going on. I checked our verizon bill (family plan) and there were several hundred messages to/from this one number I’ve never seen before. I called the number and a guy answered. When I asked who it was he said his name was Justin. My boyfriend then immediately called me and asked why I had called Justin just now? I asked him how he knew I called him and his reply was “because I’m sitting next to him”. I asked “Just him?” and he said yes. I then asked if he was on a date with this guy and he told me he was. I asked if he had sex with this guy and he said no at first. However, after pressing he said he did….once, last night. After losing it for about 30 minutes I called this guy back and asked him how he new my partner. He informed me that he had met him three days ago on Grindr (a gay hookup site) and had had unprotected sex with him three times now in the last few days. He also had no idea my partner and I were together. My boyfriend had told him that I was just some married guy that occasionally messed around with him.

I don’t mean to be long winded, but details are necessary to answer my question?...

How bad was this? If it was just once it could be seen as just plain lust. But, they’ve been together three times and the third night was an actual date (that he used to pay for with our joint checking account). Could such a thing be forgiven? I still love him very much but told him I never wanted to speak to him again. I’m asking what everyone here on fluther would do in my situation? What level of cheating is this?


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34 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

Get your money out NOW. Once joint funds are taken you can’t get them back. Freeze everything and change the locks, and talk to a lawyer, you need to protect yourself.

After you protect yourself, you can evaluate if you are willing to stay with him or not. And if you decide to stay with him, you both need to put work into couples counseling right away. And if he is not truly committed to you, you need to break it off and go through the pain of a break up.

Hang in there, take care of yourself because no one else will.

wmspotts's avatar

You’re right about one thing zenvelo… one will take care of myself but me. I’ve put my own health and caring on the back burner to take care of him. Now, it’s my turn. I’m getting back in shape, losing some weight and getting hot again. Then I’m only going to worry about myself. What makes me happy.

ETpro's avatar

Yeah, I’d say that unless you both had an understanding that this was an open relationship going in, it’s curtains. That sort of deliberate duplicitous behavior isn’t going away even if promises are made to the contrary. I know what a kick in the gut it is. Hang in there.

Coloma's avatar

This was not a one time slip up, it was a 3 time slip up in 3 days. Nuff said. Bottom line, anyone that SHOWS you they are capable of this kind of deception needs to be put out, now, and swiftly. He has proven to you he can lie, deceive and still walk in the door and act as if he just had a regular day. Baaad, baaad, baaad character, and bad character can’t be fixed, one either has it or they don’t, end of story.

Take the steps necessary to protect yourself asap as has been mentioned.
I’m sorry you’re having this experience, not fun at all to realize you really don’t know the person you are living and loving with. His loss, and your ultimate gain, even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment.

augustlan's avatar

What kind? The very worst kind. Not only did he cheat on you, he had unprotected sex with a virtual stranger, too, exposing you to risks you weren’t even aware you were taking. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

As for whether or not to try to work it out with him, only the two of you can fully answer that. Is he sorry? Has he explained why he cheated? Do you believe him? Do both of you have a desire to work on the relationship? Will you be able to trust him again? Can you forgive him? Do you want to? These are the things you need to think about. Some relationships do survive through a partner cheating, but many don’t.

wmspotts's avatar

He never explained why he cheated even though I asked him repeatedly. What hurts more is that he hasn’t been physically intimate with me for months. But giving it to someone else is no problem I guess. We’re over. But it’s going to take a long time for me to get over this.

augustlan's avatar

It sounds like maybe the relationship was over a while ago (for him), and you’re just now learning that. Again, I’m so sorry. Be kind to yourself, and remember that this, too, shall pass.

Shippy's avatar

I’m sorry this happened to you. It happens to the best of us at times. The part I find odd is why would the other person mention unprotected sex. As if to add insult to injury. All in all sound like you are better off without him. You will heal from this in time.

janbb's avatar

I send you my empathy. This sucks.

jungle_girl's avatar

The lame kind :(

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Move on, you deserve better and don’t feel sorry for him when he comes crawling back!!!!

Trillian's avatar

The deliberate, intentional, I’m over you and ready to move on kind.

Sunny2's avatar

When you lose trust, you lose everything. My condolences. Be strong and treat yourself gently.

OpryLeigh's avatar

That doesn’t sound like soul mate behaviour to me and I am truely sorry that this has happened to you, I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now. At the end of the day, cheating is cheating but the fact that your boyfriend was actively looking for other male attention on Grindr as opposed to just meeting someone on a night out and one thing leading to another makes this, in my opinion, unforgivable. Whilst I understand that you still love him, we can’t just switch off our feelings after all, I think it would be unwise of you to stay in the relationship in the hope of “working things out”. Get out, secure your finances and give yourself time to grieve. The one thing that got me through a particularly horrible breakup a few years ago was surrounding myself by people that I knew loved me.

I would strongly advise that you get tested for any sexually transmitted nasties as well. Even if you haven’t had sex with him in the time frame of this short lived affair, I wouldn’t take his word for it that this was a one time thing.

cazzie's avatar

I am so sorry. Yeah, for me, this would be the break-up type of cheating.

wmspotts's avatar

I feel worthless and inadequate. It wasn’t so much even the physical part of the cheating but the fact that they were on a date at an expensive wine bar that kills me. I will never be able to trust anyone again.

janbb's avatar

@wmspotts You will be able to trust again. It sucks big time but it doesn’t make you worthless. My partner of 38 years walked out on me last year and I have met and become friends with some absolutely wonderful new people. It hurt like hell and there are still pangs but life throws you curve balls – both good and bad ones – and eventually you recover.

Coloma's avatar

@wmspotts Yes, listen to us older and wiser peeps, as @janbb said, you WILL get through this!
The day will come when this is only a distant memory, no emotional punch anymore, just a little blip in your life locker of experience. The best thing you can do is to not retaliate with a fling of your own, take time and space to heal, and improve yourself first.
Learn to LOVE your own company, everyone needs to be their own best friend!

6rant6's avatar

You need two words to deal with this situation: bu bye!

downtide's avatar

This is just about the worst kind and I feel sorry that you had to find out the way you did. First steps; protect your money, get a lawyer to negotiate the breakup of shared assets, and get tested for STDs and HIV. If he’s been having unprotected sex with other guys as well as you, he’s put you at serious risk.

(Me personally, I would also change the locks on the house, out of sheer fury).

Coloma's avatar

I agree with @downtide

The biggest challenge in these situations is to realize you can now, no longer, EVER, assume you can predict this persons behaviors. You’d be surprised how evil people can turn when they get the boot due to their own doings. I divorced my ex husband for his infidelities and he broke back into our house, took valuables that belonged solely to me, family gifts, cleaned out bank accounts and, in the end, his infidelities were trumped about 1000% by the evilness of his behaviors.

Take NOTHING for granted, and wipe the phrase ” Oooh, he wouldn’t do THAT” out of your vocabulary.
You are now dealing with an illusion not the person you thought you knew.

wmspotts's avatar

Humans are such incredible f%&ks sometimes. The older I get the more I relish my alone time. The more people I come in contact with the more I appreciate my dogs.

Coloma's avatar

@wmspotts That’s a GOOD thing! Same here, I no longer spend time with people I don’t in-joy. If you don;t stimulate me, interest me, or have too much drama, well, I prefer my cats and my own company. I like myself best out of everyone I know. I interest myself more than anyone else interests me and I cherish my solitude and I am an extrovert by nature. Maturity is a great thing!

Ego be damned, it’s the truth! lol

wmspotts's avatar

My job takes me around the world for several weeks at a time. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the solitude of hotel rooms and walking alone through the streets of foreign countries. Most of all I’ve learned that I could never hurt myself being alone as well as another person could hurt me with words and actions. Maybe alone is better.

janedelila's avatar

Oh, honey. I am so sorry. All the advice you’ve gotten about caring about you, I agree with. Too many people see life as a choice between who to be with, when you can always just choose yourself. I did and I am so much better now. Spend some time getting to know that you can be just you and not need anything else. And of course, protect your health and money. You gotta do that like….right now.

wmspotts's avatar

I asked him if they made out and he admitted they did a little. I just cant get that image out of my head. This whole experience has changed me. Not for the better.

Bellatrix's avatar

Focus on protecting yourself as has been suggested. Acting rather than being acted against is good therapy. Sort out your finances, change the locks and when all those practical things are done you can insert a space to vent for a while and cry. It will take time to get passed this. Do you really want this person’s poor behaviour to turn you into a more inferior person than you were when you met him? You can’t change his behaviour, you can manage how his behaviour affects you and how you live your life from now on.

wmspotts's avatar

So an update…..Over the last two days I’ve been slowly warming up to the idea of maybe forgiving him. I told him I need a promise that he’ll never cheat again. He promised but then said he would like me to consider having an “open” relationship or at the very least a threesome. After rejecting the idea he told me I was old fashioned in my thinking and that most couples today (especially gay couples) have open relationships where they can be together but have sex with other people on the side. This is just bizzare to me. I equate it with cheating and believe it would “devalue” the relationship.

I then pumped him for details about his three day affair with this guy. I probably shouldn’t have because it only made me feel more worthless (which I didn’t think was possible). He told me that the first day they met they just had sex and he left. However, on the second day they had sex and then watched TV on his couch for a couple of hours and then went to Lowe’s because this guy needed window blinds. When they came back to his place they had sex again and my boyfriend then left.

I was floored. That sounds like the beginnings of a romantic relationship, doesn’t it? I mean….going to the store together to run an errand? Watching Star Trek on the couch? This shit hurts more than the f&%king. I feel like an inadequate fool. I feel worthless. I was screaming at him. The last thing I told him was that I felt sorry for the next guy he tricks into dating him and that he’s a piece of shit.

I mean, am I overreacting here? Is this some seriously f%&ked up stuff to do to someone you’ve been sharing a life with for three years? It goes beyond sex and cheating.

zenvelo's avatar

He does not want to have a relationship, he wants to get laid as often as possible and then go home to you to rest up. Get yourself out of this, and go through the pain now. You are not overreacting.

wmspotts's avatar

Well I told him I never wanted to see him again (screamed it actually).
I told him he was toxic and a poison and that he ruined the best part about me. The sweet part that he fell in love with.
I told him that I would rather poke my eyes out with a sharpened No.2 pencil that to ever have to look at him again.
I need to go. I just took an Ambien withmy beer and the text is going back and forth.

downtide's avatar

@wmspotts I think you did the right thing (well maybe not the part about mixing Ambien with beer). Good luck.

Coloma's avatar

Selfish people will ALWAYS try to feed you the ” it’s all your problem, if you were not so old fashioned” etc. etc. Don’t fall for it. Yes, he wants his cake and then he wants to come home and sup from your table too. He is a coward, too chicken shit to be upfront and let you know he either wants an open relationship or he wants to break up.

Forget him, he has a lot of growing to do before he will be a good prospect to be anyones partner.

Seiryuu's avatar

Honestly, I think there aren’t that many people who think like you anymore, @wmspotts and that’s a shame. The value of intimacy seems to have decreased and people view sex as a thing to give to random strangers.

I have to say you did the right thing. The whole sex part was bad enough, but going as far as buying blinds for the guy? That’s one really important line he crossed. Worst of all was that he badmouthed you when you were mentioned.

I hope you find someone else that’s right for you.

Sunny2's avatar

Do you know the book, The Velveteen Rabbit? It’s a children’s book that is very helpful to grownups in a situation like you’re in. A short book to read but one with a perspective that you will appreciate.

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