Social Question

XmanyX's avatar

I'm in love with another girl, and so is she with me, but we can't see each other because of her parents. What to do?

Asked by XmanyX (39points) February 9th, 2013

I’m in love with this girl I met online, and so is she with me. I already confessed to my parents and they found it okay. She on the other hand didn’t confess yet because she’s scared her parents will overreact. I’m not blaming her, because her dad worked at the police and saw some cruel things via internet-love ( Loverboys, that stuff. ) But we really love eachother ( although it may sound weird via the internet, but it’s the truth ) and it’s getting to the point where the love begins to hurt because we can physically see eachother. We’re desperate for options.

So, my question is, does anyone have any tips/solutions on how to solve this? In other words, how does she need to bring her confession? We don’t our love to be secret, that will only cause trouble.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

15 Answers

bookish1's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.
How old are both of you? What sort of culture do you come from? Have you ever been in love before?
What in blazes is a Loverboy?
Why do you need to ‘confess’ to your parents? Are they homophobic? Or do you need your parents to help you pay for a visit or something?

XmanyX's avatar

Thanks for fast asnwer;
She is 14, I’m 15. We both turn 15 n 16 this year. We both live in the Netherlands. No, we haven’t (really) fallen in love. As far as I know, we haven’t at least. A loverboy is a boy who pretends to be in love with a girl online, or even in real life, and when they get together, only uses her for money or sex. Why do we need to confess is and weird question. Of course we both have to confess to our parents about out love. We can’t keep such things secret. No, they aren’t. To be clear, I’m a boy. And, sort of.. Yes.

Self_Consuming_Cannibal's avatar

First of all welcome to fluther.

My suggestion is (and it would be a gutsy move on your behalf) next time you two are talking (via internet) if you don’t already have her phone # ask her for it. Next call her and tell her you want to talk to her parents. Ask her which of her parents would be the most reasonable and open to you two’s relationship. After that you should talk to that parent and explain to the parent that you really care about their daughter (I would leave out the fact you love her, for now. Most adults don’t take teenagers too seriously when they talk about love) and then explain to the parent that you would really appreciate it if you would be allowed to meet their daughter in person. Tell them if it would make them more comfortable, you will gladly meet them as well.

Then maybe within the next few days after you have spoken to one of the parents, try talking to the other one. (This will give her other parent time to speak to their spouse and hopefully have “softened them up” to the idea) Pretty much the same thing. Tell them you care about their daughter (still leave out the fact that you love her) tell her other parent you would really appreciate having their permission to meeting her and that you will gladly meet them too if that would make them feel better.

I know this can be a nerve wracking thing to do, but in the end if the parents are going to let you two have a relationship this would probably be the best place to start.

I hope this helps and good luck!

bookish1's avatar

@XmanyX: OK, I thought that I might have understood you wrong. But to my ears, “I’m in love with another girl” implies that you yourself are a girl as well. Sorry that I misunderstood.

I still do not understand why you both feel this need to “confess.” Do you think that something is wrong with the way you feel? Do you feel guilty?

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

You’re young, and as hard as it is for you to hear these words, “you have to be patient.”

If it’s really love, and let’s assume for now that it really is, then what’s a few more months – or even a year or two! – in the course of a long life together? You should by all means continue to talk to her via email, instant message, Skype, whatever works for you both. You have already told your parents, so that’s done, but there is no sense for her to “confess her love for you” to her parents. She’s not certain yet; how could she be?

It might make sense for her to tell her parents, “I’ve met a guy online and I like what I’ve heard about him. Would you allow me to meet him – with you? Even if her father is “old school”, like I am, he has to realize that she meets boys all the time that he doesn’t know about (at school, for example, or on trips to go shopping, etc.), so he should welcome the idea of meeting a boy she thinks she likes at the same time that she does. That way he can get a sense of what you are like, and how much he might want to trust you – and her with you.

She should be able to describe you to him in the way that you have described yourself to her, so he can help to evaluate how honest you have been. As a father myself, I can tell you that means a lot.

XmanyX's avatar

@Self_Consuming_Cannibal Thanks for the clear and helpful answer. I’d gladly take it. I never even thought about starting with care. As you stated, we both liked to get right on to tell them about love, not about care.

@bookish1 In my opinion, it’s wrong to keep these things secret to your parents. And no, we both absolutely NOT feel wrong or guilty about this feeling. I know for sure that love is one, if not the, best thing that can happen in someone’s life.

@CWOTUS It’s really helpful to hear advice from a father. It really is. And, let’s say you are kind of overprotective of your daughter. ( If you have a daughter. I don’t know about your family and I wont ask it either. A bit too personal. ) How would you react? Would it have any (negative) consequences? And actually, you are right. We could wait a ( let’s say in the worst case ) a few more years if it gets us into a real relationship which lasts for the rest of our lifes. But, as you might know, we’d like to get together asap.. I think ( and hope ) you understand that as a father.

wundayatta's avatar

Some parents are more liberal than others. Some don’t want their daughters seeing any boys at the age of 14. In my opinion, that is an age where is is very difficult to know if your daughter is mature enough to deal with a boy who may or may not be an honorable one. I would want to meet the boy first.

But if the children (and yes, at age 15, you are still a child, with a brain that has a long way to grow—brains are still maturing when people are 25, a decade older) want to get together, then I want it to be chaperoned. And if they live a long ways apart (but how far apart can you live? Netherlands is a small country), then it is difficult.

The best, I think, is to continue to see each other via skype and email and text and whatnot. If she wants to introduce you to her parents, she can arrange a skype meeting where you start to get to know each other.

If her father or mother is averse to this, then what can you do? You can meet in secret, or not meet at all.

I would want my daughter just to tell me there’s a guy she wants me to meet. She likes him. That’s all. Don’t say anything about love. Just that he’s nice guy and she wants her father to meet him. Later on, after judging how it goes, she could mention she has feelings, or not. She just has to remember (as do you, that you are young and that while these feelings are powerful, you may not know how to handle them very effectively yet.

Self_Consuming_Cannibal's avatar

@XmanyX No problem. I hope all goes well for you and her.

HolographicUniverse's avatar

It does not sound weird at all, I know many a people who have met their beaus via the internet.

In your scenario, however, you two are very young and people seldom experience love at this age (the fact that it’s online is another strike considering Web predators) So it’s easy to fathom why her parents would be concerned.
Since you are both minors, any physical relationship between you two would have to be consensual between, and monitored by, the parents (unless of course you have enough money to visit her yourself)

My suggestion, Skype her, talk to her parents, assure them that you’re not some creep but a genuine friend of their daughter. Maybe you can plan a trip to visit one another.

If this doesn’t come into fruition, understand that you are young and there will be many more chances at “love”

CWOTUS's avatar

Of course I understand your desire, @XmanyX. (And it’s no secret here that I do have a daughter – who is nearly twice your age – so that’s not a problem.) I’ve also met women through the internet that I would not have met otherwise, so I know that you can be exactly as you present yourself to her in your words.

What would make me most confident with my young daughter and an unknown young man would be their demonstration of patience and restraint. So, yes, you want to meet your young woman, but you are in no rush, as you know that your feelings are real, you’ve presented yourself honestly and well, and you believe that she has also represented herself accurately. (That’s important, too, right? You don’t want to meet her and find that she’s not at all the way she has made you believe.)

So it’s best for now that you continue to talk to each other – and avoid becoming overly enamored with some idealized vision of each other – so that you can each continue to learn about “the real other person”.

At some point it would make sense to arrange a meeting, and you should think about how to arrange that to allay her parents’ natural concerns – and your own parents’ concerns, too. Maybe you could ask that both families meet for a meal, for example – and to prove your earnestness, perhaps you could earn enough money to host the dinner, too.

marinelife's avatar

Jut start getting together as friends. The truth is you don’t really know her enough to love her. You have not spent any time with her.

Start seeing each other, and then if it holds true you can declare your love.

XmanyX's avatar

I need to thank you all for the extremely helpful answers. I’ll follow them, and hopefully so will she ( I will show her this forum.. maybe it will help us both. ). We’ll hang on for a couple more years and slowly but surely make our way towards a meeting. Starting with the advices given: First ’‘convincing’’ her parents that I’m an honest, friendly guy who likes their daughter and not some creep trying to get into her pants. After that, we can slowly work towards confessing about real love. ( And hey, life sometimes takes a different route than you may think, maybe it won’t work out at all. But I’m not hoping that. ) Also something which may be of interest: We are almost soulmates. We share thoughts, and have an awful lot in common. ( Her birthday is even the day just before mine. Talking about coincidence. ) I find ourselves lucky that we met eachother and worked out this way.

I wish you all the best of luck and you really helped a couple ( In my opinion, we are. ) in need out. Cheers!

HolographicUniverse's avatar

I’m seeing @CWOTUS more than I want to these days….

talljasperman's avatar

Wait until you both are adults then do whatever you want.

Judi's avatar

I haven’t read all the answers yet but I think she should go to her dad and tell her that she wants him to meet you before she does. If you agree to that it will alleviate a lot of his fears.

Answer this question




to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther