How much do you do for your parents?

I live away from all of my family, so all I have to do is occasionally call. It’s a good life.

Both my parents are dead now but when they were alive I felt I did more than I wanted to and far less than my mother thought I should.

My mother is married to a pretty good caregiver, so she doesn’t ask much other than financial info, advice, etc. And a shoulder to lean on when things get tough. They’re both remarkably well off physically. And she likes her work, even in her 70’s.

If you could break it down how many hours per day or week do you dedicate to them?

Let’s see, 24×7 is 168 hours per week…

edit: Fuck it. Too upsetting to go into detail.

My mother had a good long run until her boyfriend in his early 90’s died.

She was already living in the Independent Living facility of a staged care community and had meals, housekeeping, garden, laundry, nursing, beauty parlor and entertainment services available.

As she became more senile and showed signs of severe memory loss, we hired a caregiver to show up several mornings a week for a few hours for shower and shampoo, pill supervision, some stretches, and various odds and ends (watering all the flowering plants and cleaning out dead things in fridge).

My sister, bro-in-law and I stopped by at least twice a week with good cheer, staples for a simple breakfast, meds., general supervision and for a while, little outings. We also did all her finances and trips to doctors.

As she aged, we eliminated the dentist, the oncologist,and the pap smears. We continued with the dermatologist, the cardiologist and her PCP. We eliminated most of her meds, too, keeping only those for high blood pressure, dementia (a waste of time) and a daily baby aspirin.

Between the three of us, in a crisis, we could drive to her in 25 minutes, usually at the drop of a hat. The staff knew that which was why they allowed her to remain in Independent rather than Assisted Living.

She died two years ago, at aged 96.6, after a severe stroke and a three-day coma, first in hospital and then in hospice.

It certainly took a small village.

Not a damn thing, except check the Staten Island Advance’s obituaries occasionally to see if my dad’s name shows up.

My answer practically mirrors @gailcalled.‘s Mom is still living in an independent living facility. She can barely see and hear. There are bouts of dementia, like the time she pointed to the open bedroom door and said, “I think my old house is behind that door.”

The facility is excellent. Great meals, daily activities, limited nursing care on-site, lovely grounds. Someone on the staff goes to get her when she she needs to be somewhere. They have a shuttle that will take her to off-site appts. We are really lucky that she can afford this type of care.

All of this is supplemented with twice-weekly 3-hour visits from a care giver she has been using for several years. Her former house cleaner loves her like a mother and comes to visit regularly. She sometimes sleeps on the sofabed in Mom’s apt. A niece recently moved into her home (now vacant and we aren’t ready to sell it) who goes and visits her once a day.

My brother lives three hours away and visits once to twice a month for a day or two. Our sister lives two hours away and visits once a month. I’m 11 hours away and spend almost half a year in another country. We all call her, but it’s difficult as she doesn’t always pick up, sometimes can’t hear us, and never checks messages.

Last year, I spent almost a month with her.The year before, I was with her for three months after she fell and broke her hip, had a pin put in and then went through rehab. It also turned out later that she fractured a vertebrae. After I got her back home, it was pretty clear that the house was too big and she needed someone keeping an eye on her daily.

We do a pretty good job of reporting in to each other about any information that needs to be shared. Both siblings have spouses and children, all which come with additional obligations. Despite that, we feel like we are keeping on top of taking care of Mom, with the assistance of many others.

My partner’s parents are starting to show their age. Mum’s eyesight is failing, and Dad’s memory is pretty bad. Between them, they seem to handle the basics, but assistance is needed, and it’s only going to become more of a necessity.

My partner places their grocery order that is delivered. Mum’s doctor is in our town, and they now need one of us to escort them to her appts. None of us have a car, so it’s all done via train and taxi. It takes up a whole day. He also takes her medication to her once a month.

My partner has three siblings, but they don’t help out. One lives in another country, one avoids the family, and the third, while devoted to her parents and visits almost every Sunday, supposedly doesn’t do anything to assist them. It creates resentment on my partner’s part.

When my mother was alive , I was happy to help her, when I was able to.
She had given so much of her time in assisting all of us in handling day to
problems( listening patiently and offering her advice etc).
She was never obtrusive, but a very gentle lady to all that she came in contact with throughout her lifetime.
I enjoyed her company immensly.
She passed away in 2010 at age 91Yrs in a Nursing Home.

Not enough and too much – depends on who you ask. Don’t ask me.

My mother is fairly independent as she approaches 75. She retired 3 years ago and now volunteers. She and I are not close. My son is closer to her, and he visits a few times a month and took her for dental surgery recently.

Both of us are orphans. We’ve never had to take on parental care.

When we lived nearby, we did everything they needed, and visa versa. The In Laws moved to California from New York to be near their two children. Even after the company moved us away, we did all we could.

My parents passed on 27 years ago.

Now there is only one parent left. She is in an independent living home now, but if she needed it, we would take her to live with us. The family that lives near her takes her shopping and out to dinner and other events on a weekly basis.

My husband and I are the elderly parents now, although he still works full time and I am fairly healthy. He provides financial information and keeps the accounts/files taxes for his family and our son and his extended family. We provide a house and a car for Sonny, his two boys, his wife, her mother and her grandmother.

A couple of years ago, my son and my oldest grandson drove a truck to South Dakota to get the stored belongings of my DIL’s mother/grandmother and bring them back. Most of their things are now stored in their garage, and the storage shed in my back yard.

We do what ever is needed.

370 days as of today. My mother lives with me. She can still eat and bath and dress but she was going downhill. I am the only sibling who will look after her.

After my father passed away my mother started going downhill, she had never lived on her own, she was with my father since she was 17. My siblings are way too into themselves to help her. I actually just got into a fight with my sister and she blamed it on me as to why she never visits our mother, because I am always here. Now I always try to not be around if they want to visit so they can have one on one time with our mother, it’s only fair.

So anyway I have one sibling who is angry at the world and can’t take advice from our mother when she wants to give it so he fights with her and causes her a lot of grief and even health problems. Then I have another who is in such a screwed up relationship that she now has been drinking and gambling to get rid of all her problems and then gets angry because I live with our mother and she doesn’t, but the relationship has been screwed up for over 25yrs she’s had a very long time to leave and she never has.

Of course both think I am getting some type of special treatment, which I am not. I pay for everything here and they are going to be in for a big wake up call when our mother passes away and they find out I am the one in charge of her estate (she doesn’t have much) simply because she trusts me and I have been there for her and they have not. My siblings would prefer it if my mother did not exist, and yet she is the sweetest most kindhearted person you would ever meet.

The last we heard from one sibling was her saying exactly that (she doesn’t want to be a part of our family anymore, which included my mother and the fight wasn’t even with our mother it was between me and my sibling!) while then she went right back to her own fucked up drama family. At least my mother and I are drama free. Love it, because at the end of the day that is what will keep my mother living longer, and that is all that matters to me.

@nofurbelowsbatgirl
After 12 years of court battles ,(my older siblings had been fighting)it ended with my mothers death in 2010.
Sibling Rivary was the root cause.
Now no one talks to the older female who seemed to put money before all else, all the while fighting for Guardianship of my mother.
She ( my sister/Guardian) thought that is was Ok to “keep” my mother to herself.
She tried many times to cut off my older brothers from speaking or visiting her.
Hence the Court battles!)
Obviously an old grudge never resloved?
In the end it was my older sister/Guardian who felt it necessary to flaunt the fact
that “only” she benefited in the inheritance! She went on a Mediterrainian Cruise.

If my mother was coherent and even knew what my sister was doing, she would have thought twice “Before” making her her Guardian?

Myself, If I ever have to be in my mothers position of being in a Nursing Home in my later years, I will sign a legal document stating that NO ONE related to me should have jurisdiction or Guardianship.
Rather I will sign a ‘trustee” by the Govt to handle and avoid all alterations and breakups between siblings/family.
It had torn the very fabric of our family ties.

@Inspired_2write I understand what you are saying.

My father is traveling over 120 miles round trip tomorrow morning to pick up a stool sample from me. Apparently my poo might help save my mom’s life. She is in the hospital with C.diff. and is being treated with 2 different antibiotics. We were told over the weekend that she may need to have her colon removed. She’s been through too much the past 2 months and we were worried she couldn’t handle another surgery. My father called me today and told me that a fecal transplant was another option, and I was the perfect donor from the family. The poo jokes have been non-stop this afternoon. much needed laughter for my family right now

Whatever I’m capable of doing. They have always been there for me. Now it’s my turn.

@jonsblond That’s a first. I’ve never heard of someone saying give me some more shit.

@jonsblond wow synchronicity we were just discussing this in our office today!