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Daddy2prestoneva's avatar

Recently discovered my wife of 10yrs has been having an affair with another woman. I am crushed and not sure how to cope?

Asked by Daddy2prestoneva (94points) June 10th, 2013

My wife of 10yrs has been having a ‘Co-worker’/ friend over when I am out of town. Recently I have discovered that she has spent the night a few times. I had an idea something was going on but was not completly sure until I ran across a text this past weekend discussing some very interesting topics between my wife and other woman. When I brought it to her attention she was almost relieved that I knew and stated that she has always been intimidated by men and uncomfortable around them. I am really not sure how to feel…Did I drive her to these feelings? I feel like the guy in old school who comes home from a business trip to find another Man and woman in his BR. I feel like I don’t even know my wife and that our 10yr marriage was a sham. I have 2 young kids and no idea how this will wear on them. I know that I as well as their mother will continue to love them and try to provide for all their needs, but I’m concerned. Any feedback would be appreciated.

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21 Answers

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Katniss's avatar

Wow! I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through.

I wish that I had some great advice for you, I don’t though.
This isn’t because of anything that you did. People are who they are. You’re wife has probably known all along that she was more into women and probably just couldn’t admit it. It’s very unfortunate that you and your kids are going to suffer for it.

Just make sure you take care of yourself and your kids during this time.

antimatter's avatar

I feel your pain man, do what I did.
I did not run to the nearest bar, I did not run to the nearest drug dealer.
I cried and I cried and than I started to get involved with a support group and than community projects and I went for counseling.
Don’t try to drink or drug it away, find a positive support structure. For every drink and drug you take you will loose even more of your dignity. Find a new hobby and get a pet.
It’s not the end of the world, it’s not the end of your life, I tried to commit suicide at one stage but than I realized I am not alone. Talk about it if you wish, crying and talking is the best therapy one can get. But very important keep busy with positive things. Allow yourself to mourn, allow yourself to be afraid, allow yourself to be angry and allow yourself to find inner peace. It’s now your time to reinvent yourself, get closer to what ever religion you practice, but don’t become fanatical. Remember wounds don’t heal over night. As me I know.

Coloma's avatar

Clearly there is a huge gap in your communication and intimacy as well as the integrity of your marriage. The party that resorts to deceptive behaviors and does not communicate there feelings, no matter how hard it might be to hear, has major issues of character and this is not something easily fixed. Cheating is cheating and gender really doesn’t matter.
Your wife should have had the balls ( errr, breasts ) to express her temptations and desire to explore sexually outside of your marriage.

The fact that she didn’t speaks volumes about her lack of character.
She has effectively SHOWN you that you cannot trust her to go to task with the hard stuff in relationship as well as the fact that this sort of behavior lends itself to a feeling of “WTF..I do not even KNOW who you are!”
We make lots of assumptions in relationship, most of which are our own projections.
I am sorry you are having to go through this, all I can say is that it is a rare relationship that can overcome infidelity, mostly because the trust has been broken, not just the trust of a sexually exclusive bond but the deeper trust of being able to trust that your partner will always be transparent with you and not choose deception over honesty.

My marriage did not survive the secrets my ex husband kept from me for years, nor did I want it to. I’d suggest running to the nearest marriage and family therapist to help with this mess, but, don;t expect miracles. Counseling is the best option for a chance at rebuilding but it must happen ASAP. Most couples slog along for months or even years and by the time they go to counseling it is far too late.
I am sorry for your pain, been there, but..I can promise you this, a fundamental truth, we are all better off alone than dealing with cowardly infidels in our lives. You will survive this, you will, one way or another.

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Dr_Lawrence's avatar

I guess the first thing you need to decide is how you feel about your wife and the relationship you have with her. You also need to find out how she feels about you. Together you need to work out whether you can maintain a healthy relationship in light of her other relationship. How well do each of you involve youselves with your children. If you come to the conclusion that you can no longer stay together (that is not the only possible conclusion) you must recognize that the adversarial process of ending your marriage will be painful for your children, especially if one or both parties use the children as tools in the process. What you are going through happened to me and if I could change how I handled things, I would almost certainly do so. Thing before you act. Talk to each other with respect and if possible love and at every turn consider how best to protect the children from the process between you and you wife.

marinelife's avatar

She is gay (or at least bi). It has nothing to do with you or your traits or your behaviors. It has to do with who she is sexually attracted to, which is not men,

I take it you are a parent. So you will have to make the decisions on who is going to have custody of the kids (or are both of you).

Tell the kids the truth about why your marriage broke up. Tell the kids you and mommy loved one another just not enough to stay married.

Then go out there are date when the time comes. This is not your fault.

Sorry for the inevitable pain.

YARNLADY's avatar

I suggest you see a professional counselor. They are experienced in these matters and can help guide you in your decision making process.

Katniss's avatar

I agree that divorce is not the only conclusion, but I feel that for anybody in that situation it should be the best conclusion. Perhaps if she had gone to him and talked to him before she cheated on him, they may have been able to make it work somehow for the kids. The fact is though, that isn’t how it played out.
In my opinion there isn’t any working it out after somebody cheats. Other than abusing somebody, it’s the worst thing that you can do to the person you’re supposed to love.

augustlan's avatar

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. It’s pretty unlikely that you caused your wife to be attracted to women, so don’t spend any time worrying about that. Now, on to what you should do:

First off, don’t do anything rash. Take your time and think things through before you make any major decisions, because there are several possible outcomes here. Talk things over with your wife, and maybe go see a counselor together, too. Figure out what the best course of action is only after you are talked out and calm.

Possible outcome number 1: You get a divorce. While divorce is never fun, it will not be the end of the world, I promise. Been there, done that. If you go this route, please do everything you can to put your children first. My ex and I have done just that, and things have worked out very well for us.

PON2: Your wife may agree to terminate the other relationship and be monogamous. If you feel you can trust her, your marriage may well survive this.

PON3: If your marriage is otherwise good, you may decide to stay together and have an open relationship. This allows you both to be true to your desires, within the supportive structure of your marriage. Not many people can pull this off, but it works quite well for some people.

I’m sure there are other possibilities I’m missing, but I’m just trying to give you the idea that it isn’t necessarily as cut-and-dried as it might initially seem. Best of luck to you, and please keep us posted!

Judi's avatar

I’m so sorry. This is why people shouldn’t try to be someone they’re not to please society. They end up hurting so many people.
Rest assured that you didn’t “drive her to it.” She tried to be something she wasn’t and just couldn’t hold up the false front any longer.
I am so sorry

Daddy2prestoneva's avatar

Thank you all for your responses. I will certainly seek couseling on my own as my wife has always refused to seek any marriage counseling, probably becasue she was afraid of what might come out. I think she is relieved that I know and the communication barrier has come down which I think is great for supporting our children. She is a good mother and person and I think that is what cuts me the deepest, because I still do love her. I am simply going to have to love her for the mother of my children than my wife…this will certainly take time and I know this process will not take weeks, months possibly years but it will happen. My kids are my rock and I will do whatever is in their best interest, which at this point is having a positive and supportive role in their lives as well as their mother. Thank you all again for your responses, they really helped me realize that i’m not broken.

Judi's avatar

@augustlan , My niece was a nanny for a couple who were divorced. The kids got the house and the parents moved in and out when it was their turn at joint custody. Not everyone can afford to maintain 3 households but I admired that the parents went out of their way to put the children first and THEY moved from house to house instead of the children.

Daddy2prestoneva's avatar

@Augustian, My wife and I were seperated for 9 months a few years ago and we did exactly that. I rented an apartment and we both stayed at the apartment while the other was with the kids at the house. The kids did not seem phased because they were always home. It worked out so well that we got back together 3 months before the term of the lease, however I can’t fix this latest outcome…can’t say i didn’t try:)

dabbler's avatar

“can’t say i didn’t try” sounds like you have gone above and beyond the call of duty, and have reason to be proud of your participation in the marriage.
The situation is sad and it must be a shock. As all the good advice above suggests, nurture yourself through this time.

SadieMartinPaul's avatar

Wow. Please say, and frequently repeat, the following: “This isn’t my fault.”

No, you didn’t drive your wife to gay-ness; that isn’t the way it works. She’s been gay (or bi-sexual) all along, something that she’s starting to understand and accept after many years. It’s just too bad that she married you, and had your two children, before she came to terms.

From the tone and tenor of your question, I’m guessing that you want to stay in this marriage and keep your family intact. Personally, I think that young children are a very good reason for staying married. Would your wife would be receptive to staying with you? If yes, you and she will need some marriage counseling to decide what you both really want and what the outcome will be.

josie's avatar

I am sure you feel like shit about it. My sympathies.
Having said it, you will never look at her the same again, and you know it.
Can you live in a marriage thus compromised?
If so, go to counseling and pretend it’s all the same.
If not, get a divorce while you still have time to rebuild your life.

Bellatrix's avatar

@Daddy2prestoneva keep in mind counselling isn’t only about trying to get your marriage back on track. It can be to help you move on. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Daddy2prestoneva's avatar

Thanks again everyone for your responses, it has helped me gain some perspective. I have tried for years to make my marriage a good one and was unsuccessful, any counseling will be for me and me alone. I love her and will support her but no longer as a husband. I have already bugun training for a marathon and have a great career and great children, I will simply pour more of my heart into those things….Life will go on. Thanks again for all the positive energy and support, you made my day!!!! -Daddy2prestonneva :)

jca's avatar

@Daddy2prestoneva: Please consider sticking around Fluther. We’re a diverse community of great people who can be helpful, supportive and fun.

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