My father is terrible and I never want to see him again so why do I still feel guilty?

Maybe it’s because that, no matter what, he is still your father.
I’m sorry you are having a hard time dealing with this issue today. Maybe if you just try to keep busy you won’t dwell on this being father’s day and your dads bad behavior.

You still feel a sense of filial duty.

The thing is he and my (dead) Mom stayed married my whole life so I had the awful experience of actually living with him for 20 years since I did my first two years of college a commuter.

He was terrible the whole time and never hid his contempt for his children. Would tell me he hates me, wishes I would die etc. I’m sure he won’t be wishing me a happy birthday when the time comes either since the only time he did it before was when my Mom made him.

I am sorry for your dad, and for you. He must have had some awful demons to deal with.
Fathers loom large in our lives, and effect us in everything we do.
I hope you find the strength to forgive him, and call him, but I understand your pain, and accept that you probably won’t.

@filmfann He has severe rage disorders and is an unrepentant abuser—he fails to acknowledge the hell he put his kids and my late mother through. In his mind we still “had it coming” and he was justified in his actions. Some of his gems include kicking me down a flight of stairs when I was three, throwing me into walls, humiliating me by abusing me public. And driving me to attempt suicide by telling me that I was worthless and didn’t deserve to live because I would never amount to anything.

The call wouldn’t go well. Especially since I sent a letter to my grandmother (his mother) a couple of months ago detailing his transgressions and why I no longer speak to him.

Dude, your dad sort of sounds like Tywin Lannister! (Game of Thrones reference, if you don’t know what I’m talking about.)

I think the feelings of guilt are simply because he’s your father, despite everything he’s done. That’s who he is, your dad, so it may feel weird to not give him a call today. Can’t say as I blame you, though.

You’ve lost so much. It must be really hard feeling like you lost both your mom and dad in the same year. It would be easy to second guess yourself.

Your feelings of sadness might be masking as guilt. Your emotions are punctuated on a day such as Father’s Day, when people are celebrating and honoring their dads. Your father denied you a relationship that you wanted and deserved but could never have.

From what you’ve told us, I doubt very much that your father’s expecting a phone call from you today, nor does he really want to hear from you. If you remember that, maybe your sense of guilt will be alleviated. It’s not as if you’re cruelly ignoring someone who’s waiting by the phone, desperately missing and hoping for a call from you.

We are conditioned by society and our upbringing to feel bonded and obligated to those who created us. Feelings about familial relations are incredibly complex, and it takes time and effort to work through the mixed messages we children of dysfunctional and abusive homes have been given since birth, through our naïeve childhood eyes, and through our teenage rebellion.

You are still young, so those conditioned messages are still strong within you. Perhaps even your mother, whom you love and miss dearly, told you to honor your father despite his cruelty – in which case, you might feel that you are letting her down by not respecting her wishes. Many abusers use that guilt to continue to manipulate and victimize – and even if you have no contact with the abuser, their mind-fuck is perpetuated by these cycles in the victim’s mind.

I was abused by a different family member, not by may parents; but they were very inept at parenting, which left me vulnerable to the abuse and then there was no one who countered the abuse by giving me positive or loving experiences. I personally never felt loved by my parents, nor do I remember feeling love for them. We also are not of a culture that uses guilt the way some ethnicities and religions do, so the guilt was not a big issue for me – but I do see it eat away at others I know who are struggling to emotionally detach from their unhealthy relations.

I recommend that you work with an experienced and qualified mental health professional, who can help you through the challenging years ahead in dealing with these emotions and thought processes. I suggest Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, because you will need to reparent yourself along the way – pick it all apart, keep the good, discard the bad and replace it with new, positive concepts and behaviors. It’s messy and painful, but necessary in order for YOU to redefine who you are as a person, not who you were led and misled to think you are.

As for dealing with it in this moment; give yourself some time alone to ponder it all. I suggest journalling about your conflicting feelings and letting the tears of anger, frustration, hurt, and grief flow freely. You might write it in the form of a letter to your father that you never want to send, but in which you tell him all the things you’ve wanted to say for all these years. It won’t be easy, but you are stronger than you know because of the things you have already survived.

Believe in yourself: you have what it takes to break free from your past, and to build a healthy, happy future for yourself —and you deserve it. <3

You did the right thing: instead of calling, you wrote this question. He doesn’t deserve your attention, but as others have said, it’s hard not to feel that pang of guilt. Today, so many people are talking about how wonderful their fathers are/were, it must be difficult not to want to feel that for a father of your own.

It is really time to move past the “why” and start to free yourself from the guilt. This minute.

Let me quote @hearkat rather than paraphrasing.

I recommend that you work with an experienced and qualified mental health professional, who can help you through the challenging years ahead in dealing with these emotions and thought processes. I suggest Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, because you will need to reparent yourself along the way – pick it all apart, keep the good, discard the bad and replace it with new, positive concepts and behaviors It’s messy and painful, but necessary in order for YOU to redefine who you are as a person, not who you were led and misled to think you are.”

It’s hard to focus only on the bad experiences. It’s inevitable that you will also think about any good experiences you remember and/or any good experiences that you can possibly imagine. It’s easy to imagine the potential good that might come out of a charitable action like forgiveness or a phone call on fathers day.

Really, there aren’t any rules about it. Just because he was evil (if that’s what he was) it doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to forgive or look past it sometimes. You’re not “supposed” to be unable to forgive or look past someone’s faults. You’re even allowed to completely forgive evil people if you’re so inclined. Maybe only for seconds at a time or on special occasions like today.. but it’s perfectly fine to feel that way.

I hadn’t talked to my Dad in three months and gave him a call today. We had a good talk and at the end he said “I love you, Babe”. Felt good.

Guilt is a mother fucker and it is instilled in us from the birth of our consciousness. @hearkat said it quite nicely.

My dad comes in and out of my life as he pleases. It’s getting easier to not feel guilty. I did not create this relationship, he did. He knows where to find me.

Cutting toxic family members is very hard but for me, knowing I tried so hard to communicate helps with guilty feelings.

You are a woman – so you feel you should fix him and that somehow, you have to make this work.

He’s your dad. So there is an expectation we will get on with our family members.

Neither of these ideas is correct. You can’t fix your Dad, you can only fix you. So take @hearkat‘s advice soon and get some help so you can start to move away from that guilt.

Our families are not always the best people for us to be around. Sometimes they’re toxic. That’s not your fault. It is your fault if you keep putting yourself in harm’s way, whether it by physical or emotional harm. Accept you need to have distance between you and your father and get on with your own life. The sooner you accept this, and stop trying to conform to how things should be, the easier it will be to move on.

There’s a saying: “Time wounds all heels”.

Damn, maybe it’s the other way ‘round.

Anyway, I understand your feelings. I have lost connection with a close family member, whom I disappointed by having a mental breakdown and he would only speak to me through others for 2 years.
I thought “I don’t care, if he doesn’t care”.

We’ve both done (separate) counselling and recently gained some common ground.

I hope that can happen for you, but if it does not… it is not your fault.

Because we all wish to be loved by our parents. I don’t think it’s guilt but hope. You are either wishing that he can change and someday he will find he loves you or it also could be that you simply need closure. You hope that one day he will realize all the wrong he did and will acknowledge his misdeeds and explain that it was all his fault and never yours. When a child is told constantly that he is a problem in a relationship from their parent, it becomes difficult to shake that. Even in adulthood, you may know this is not true in your head, but you may still have doubt in your heart.
I’ve said it many times. It takes a lot more than paying the bills or genetics to be a father. A real father appreciates the gift of fatherhood and does all he can to love, nurture, guide and raise the child.
Fathers day is a day to appreciate REAL DADS. Not genetic dad. There is no celebration set aside for that day.

I actually feel the same. I think that maybe feeling guilty about it is a little easier than feeling sad.

I’m with @AshLeigh. You don’t feel guilty. You feel sad. You lost a thing we all want. I’m sad for you as well.

My dad died. I wish he were alive so I could call him. I’d call him if I were you.

@LeavesNoTrace I had a long estrangement from my (formerly evil) mother. She was so deceitful and mean-spirited, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I ended our relationship when she tried to break up my very happy marriage; she kept calling and writing to one of my ex-boyfriends, begging him to have an affair with me and destroy my marriage.

Then, a couple of years ago, she became very sick with Alzheimer’s disease and turned into a sweetheart. It’s as if there’d been a nice person hidden inside of her that had been unable to emerge. Oddly, it took a devastating illness for me to find the mother I’d always wanted. I’ve been taking care of her since then; I see her every day, and we bring great joy to each other’s lives.

What’s the point I’m trying to make? As I write this, I’m not entirely sure. Maybe I’m just trying to say that none of us knows what the future might hold.

@SadieMartinPaul – Yours is an experience very different from mine. My paternal grandmother became more outwardly judgmental and critical when she had Alzheimer’s, because she had no filters or inhibitions. Consider yourself lucky.

My daughters father in law got nice after he fell off a ladder and bumped his head. The family always teases him about it. And now he can take it.

@Rarebear Your father was probably a nicer guy than mine is. I understand where you’re coming from because I also recently lost my Mom. But read through some of my old questions and you’ll fully understand why I no longer want anything to do with him.

@hearkat “Yours in an experience different from mine.”

I fully understand. Alzheimer’s is completely unpredictable, and each person’s path is different. Some people become more ornery and hostile, while other people develop “pleasant dementia” and become so much nicer.

Luckily for me, my Mom took the sweet, kind route. I’m very grateful for that.