How do I deal with a cousin who is bitter about not being in my wedding?

There’s only one question you need to ask. Who’s wedding is it? If you’re not close don’t let her influence your choices.

Do you really want to have to rearrange your wedding because your cousin is mad?
She should be adult enough to realize that you can’t have everybody that you know stand up with you.
I wouldn’t worry too much about it. She’ll get over it.

Tell your cousin to get over it. It’s your wedding and your decision whom to invite.

You seem to be plagued by family aggro. Three weeks ago you asked about your aunt and whether you should even invite her to the wedding, almost two years hence.

http://www.fluther.com/160895/do-i-have-to-invite-her-to-my-wedding/

Same answers apply, but why so much family drama and estrangement?

You are unhappy that your aunt is under-invested and then that your cousin is over-invested. Might you play some part in this?

Is this the daughter of the aunt @gailcalled referred to?

I disagree with the responses above, and you might not like my own take on this.

Your cousin included you in her wedding, so she’s deeply hurt and embarrassed that you’ve bypassed her for your own wedding. I’m sure she just assumed that she’d be one of your bridesmaids, and she’s desperately trying to get you to change your mind and invite her.

As for having children at your wedding, just make it clear – to everyone, not just to your cousin – that you have a No Kids policy. Your cousin can leave her children with a babysitter. Or, when I got married, I hired a nanny to look after the guests’ kids in a hotel suite.

While it’s true that it’s your wedding and your day, do you really want to exclude your cousin, hurt her feelings, and possibly cause a rift that might never heal?

(By the way, I detest weddings, and this is a good example of why. Inevitably, someone gets angry and offended over what’s said and done – or what isn’t said or done – and ends up bitter.)

Weddings are overrated and chances are you’ll be divorced in 3 years anyway. let her be in the wedding.

The divorce rate in America is over 50%

@flip86 Did you really just say that?? O_o

I go only so far with the “it’s your day” philosophy. I think other people’s feelings are important too. If you care about her, invite her to be a bridesmaid but tell her no children will be allowed at the wedding and let her work that out.

@SadieMartinPaul makes a good point. Also, trying to enforce a no kid policy at a wedding is really hard. People bring them anyway.
When you take two years to plan a wedding it’s easy to become bridezilla. Just remember that the most borking weddings are flawlessly executed. The memories are made in the things that go wrong. You may be horrified in the moment, but those will be the stories you laugh about after you’ve been married for years. You will barely remember what went well.

If you only have two cousins, I can see why she might feel left out, especially if you were in her wedding. If you have 15 cousins, then having the closest one to youm the one you have the tightest relationship with, probably would not cause any feathers to be ruffled. I do think she should just be mature about it and not be offended, but she is, and a wedding is a family event in many ways, so I am in the camp that there needs to be some thought to how others will feel, even though I do also feel it is your day. It is a little of a balancing act.

You wrote that she has children, that is her problem, it isn’t for you too decide she is too busy with her children. You are making an excuse for not asking her to be in your wedding, but that is not the reason why you did not ask, you just want it to sound like you are doing her a favor. That doesn’t work. How would you like a friend not to invite you to something because you are so busy planning your wedding?

If you want a no children policy at your wedding that is not uncommon, but I don’t think you were saying that, I might be wrong. It sounded to me like you were just explaining your cousin is busy in general. I might be wrong. I will say this, I started with a no children policy and I really really regret it. I have a very small family, and only had a couple friends and family who had children. In the end it caused a big upset saying no children with my SIL who had a baby, and a few people brought their kids, which I did not expect and didn’t think to tell them not to, and so in the end there were children at the wedding anyway and cousins I wish I had invited, but were young, weren’t there. I didn’t even explain the whole chronology of what happened regarding the children, it would take too long, but all I am saying is if it is just a few children who might show up let it slide. If people are coming from out of state you can provide a babysitter if you want to not have any children at the wedding and reception.

Why is it a big deal to keep this cousin out of the wedding? Why not let her in? Is it your only two cousins?

I am also curious if this is the daughter of the aunt from the previous Q.

It is totally up to you whether or not to include her. Don’t do it just because she is being snarky. I keep focusing on you saying that you are not that close.

First off: NO… this is not the daughter of the aunt in my previous question. For those who are curious, that aunt no longer speaks to me, blocked me off of Facebook and told my mother that she no longer wants to be in her life. This is my moms biological sister. The cousin in question is on my dad’s side. Now, I do realize that it is kind of a slap in the face to be in someone’s wedding and not invite them to be in yours. And I do feel bad about that. But I stand by what I said about us not being close. Me and this cousin have an 11 year age difference. We did not spend that much time together growing up and she has always been super judgmental of me. I love her but half the time we do not get along.

And yes, @gailcalled I have a large Italian family, half of which do not speak to each other. My family situation is extremely difficult to explain. I’m just trying to keep the peace.

@eferrara If you have a large family with bunches of cousins don’t sweat it. Just do what you want. Even if you invite her now to be in the wedding she will probably still hold it against you that you didn’t ask her originally.

Did your mom by any chance comment on your choise of bridesmaids when you first told her who you were asking? Could she see it coming that there would be conflict?

Not that many decades ago, weddings were smaller, simpler events. Someone hosted an affordable party, and friends and family got together for a fun time.

The wedding industry has done a brilliant job of convincing brides to fuss over every detail and expect a fairy-tale day, and of pressuring parents into a “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality. So many weddings are now weekend-long extravaganzas, complete with brunches, ancillary parties, golf tournaments, etc. Too many parents take second mortgages on their homes, just to fund weddings – trading equity and assets for an overblown celebration, which is about the most stupid thing anyone can do.

The truth is, a bride and groom don’t even remember their own wedding; everything rushes by in a rush and a blur. The guests will remember very little about the wedding; if asked, a month later, what they ate at the reception, what the color scheme was, or what tchotchke they were given as a favor, they’ll come up with a blank stare. And, as @flip86 said rather cynically but truthfully, about half of marriages don’t even last.

I wonder when the bubble will burst on this still-exploding obsession with weddings, and when people will realize that it’s foolish to pay for “big days” that they can’t afford.

You know what I never understood? Why people make such a big deal about being in a wedding. You have to pay for the shower, you have to pay for a special dress that is custom made and you’ll probably never wear ever again, you have to spend the cocktail hour (the best food and drink at the wedding) to do photos. To me, it’s a lot of work and money for something that people consider such a big honor, and it’s really a pain in the a**.

That said, it’s your wedding, do what you want.

@JLeslie No, actually my mother thinks that I shouldn’t have her if I don’t want to have her. She is also surprised that she is so upset. I feel like I should add the reason why I was in her wedding. I was the last bridesmaid to be asked… my cousin had picked her bridal party which included ONLY the grooms family. My grandmother was upset that no one in our family was going to be in her wedding. So she picked me to make my grandmother happy. Not because she wanted me!

@eferrara Here’s a novel idea for you to consider – why not forego a wedding party? If you’d like to have someone stand with you at the ceremony, you and your fiancé can each ask a sibling or best friend to serve as maid-of-honor and best man. But, even those two roles aren’t necessary; if you take things a step further and bypass the maid-of-honor and best man, nobody’s feelings will be hurt. Cousin A won’t resent the fact that you chose Cousin B instead of her, and Brother A won’t be bitter because Brother B got picked.

It’s not too late to un-invite all those bridesmaids and groomsmen. All you need to do is explain that you’ve decided to simplify your wedding and not have any attendants. Some of the people might be disappointed, but they’ll understand and support your choice (if they’re not understanding and supportive, they never should have been included at all). Other people will be relieved that they won’t have the financial and time burdens of being in a wedding.

@eferrara Ok, so she picked you out of obligation to the family and you are going to get away with not having to be obedient to some elder relative. If anything she is jealous and annoyed with herself and her grandmother. This is all family bullshit, which I know you know already. She never should have invited you to be a bridesmaid.

@jca I feel the same. I turned down being in a very close friends wedding because it would be too expensive for me. I was just out of college and had to pay to fly up there and the hotel etc, plus I wanted to give her a gift. I regret not being in it though. I wish I had asked my mom to pay. She ran it past her own parents and they said no. Honestly, I think they suck for saying no, but it isn’t like I hold it against them or anything, I mean I think it sucked for my friend, their daughter. They spent several thousand on the wedding, paying for my dress and shoes would have been $150.

When I was planning my wedding my husband was horrified that a bride tells her bridesmaids what to wear and makes them pay for it. I easily agreed and let them wear what they wanted. They all wore black, by coincidence. All two of them. My sister and his sister. His sister wasn’t really my bridesmaid, she was just in the wedding like my mom and grandma also. She stood on my husband’s side under the chupah.

@SadieMartinPaul Big Italian wedding. I can’t see that likely happening. Plus, the OP mentioned the cousin was putting on the bridesmaid dress, so it is probably likely the dresses are ordered. So the OP would have to refund the money to the girls who already have paid if the dresses are not able to be returned. It won’t matter if she cancels the big wedding, the cousin will already know she was never invited to be the bridesmaid. Plus, the OP has said having her closest girlfriends stand up with her is something she has always wanted. I think keeping it immediate family is easiest, that is what I did, but I lived out of state from my closest friends and wasn’t seeing them daily. Maybe that affected why I did what I did? Plus, I had been to very few weddings in my lifetime and had no idea what was customary really.

@JLeslie Your points are well-taken, but I don’t think we’re certain about the bridesmaid dress status. @eferrara said that her cousin wants to “try on bridesmaids dresses,” which suggests that the dresses haven’t been selected or ordered. Also, @eferrara‘s wedding is 2 years away; is it usual to order the wedding party’s clothes so far in advance?

Regardless, I was just offering @eferrara an idea from left field. Even if the cousin already knows that she hadn’t been included in the wedding, she might feel better if it turns out that nobody gets invited.

I’m also venting from some of my own, bitter wedding memories. As my Jelly pals know by now, I went through with a wedding that I didn’t want, and it was the worst day of my life. (If I could do it all over again, I’d stand up for myself and refuse to be bullied.) Among my grievances about that day – a line of bridesmaids, because I didn’t want attendants or an entourage. I felt so badly about imposing all that on those ladies, I actually paid for their bridesmaids’ dresses and hotel rooms with my own money.

I agree that her projection of HER expectations on you is inappropriate, childish, petty and immature. You can’t please all of the people all of the time and to even try would make you a doormat, martyr, codependent.
I would simply tell her that you love her and are sorry she is disappointed but you had to make some difficult choices and well…I hope you don’t take it personally.
Expecting a tit for tat “return” on what we, supposedly, do for others from a place of genuine desire and free will is manipulative and emotionally controlling.

I loathe those that “do” for you with an expectation of later calling in the “debt.” You owe her nothing for voluntarily participating in her wedding and if she is so infantile as to not respect your choices and decisions in this matter, oh well.

I have two daughters. We gave each of them what I consider a pretty large budget for their weddings. One chose to go all out, have the huge party and make it a grand event with family and friends. She worked at a church so she really had to invite a lot of people if she was going to do this.
My other daughter went to Vegas, had a small but elegant wedding and used the rest of the cash to buy a new truck.
The first daughter says that if she had it all to do over again, she would just take the cash and elope. On the other hand, her wedding was a very healing event for our family as our relationship with her bio dads family had been somewhat strained since his death. They appreciated how we went out of our way to honor him at her wedding and really realized that he was an important part of our lives. I think some healing happened on her husbands side too.
The other daughter is happy, but sometimes regrets not having the big fancy wedding she had always dreamed about.
Just sharing to try and offer some perspective on big families and the size of weddings, although, after writing this, I realize the OP doesn’t want wedding advice, she just wants cousin advice. Isn’t it funny how easy it is to digress into wedding planning?

@SadieMartinPaul Got it. Makes sense. I never hear bridesmaids complain about paying for their dresses, it seems to be a thing people just do? I wonder if they do complain? I hear people complain about a dress they will never use again, maybe that is an indirect compliant about the money? My family is so small I am not around weddings a lot. I also wonder if parents pay for the dresses a lot of the time when the bride is young? Either parents of the bride and groom or the parents of the bridesmaids themselves. I have no idea. I know my parents paid for the hotel of a few people who attended my wedding, and the same for a friend of mine when her son had a location wedding, they paid for the bridesmaids to stay at the hotel.

Maybe @eferrara should talk to the cousin and just say, “I know you invited me because of grandma, I don’t want you to be upset that I haven’t asked you to be in the wedding, but I don’t want the family drama in our family to control us.” Using “us” is really important. Maybe further explain she really cares about being on good terms with her, but asked the people she is closest to on a daily basis, or she might have wound up with 10 bridesmaids. Maybe they can commiserate about the how the older family members try to control everything? It may be a horrible idea. We already know the cousin is being passive aggressive, she may not deal with open communication well. I have no idea. italians typically are openly aggressive, not passive aggressive. I don’t mean violent, I just mean they say what they are thinking, often in a loud voice. Like us Jewish people. But, each family is different, and each person is different. I like to clear the air, but it isn’t always the best thing.

Or, just let her be in the wedding. It’s all power struggle stuff at this point, who is going to win.

@JLeslie I’ve heard plenty of bridesmaids complain, but not directly to the bride. They complain to their friends and own family members. There are the steep costs of buying dresses (that they’ll never wear again), getting dyed shoes to match (ditto), possibly paying for travel to several wedding-related events, buying numerous gifts (a bridesmaid might need to show up at several bridal showers), and paying for the bachelorette party.

@JLeslie: I never hear bridesmaids complaining about paying for dresses, I think because they’re just so thrilled at the honor of being in the wedding itself. To me, puh leeze, don’t do me any favors. I am a very happy wedding guest! I give a nice gift, I show up for the few hours the wedding is on and I have fun. No obligations, no money laid out other than gift, no time spent trying on dresses, planning showers, doing work for showers, paying for special “shower” gift.

@jca I don’t get the whole obligation of planning showers. I realize there is etiquette for that, but I find it absurd. Looking back I wish I had been in my girlfriend’s wedding because I didn’t realize it was such an honor to be asked. Having said that, I would never be insulted if I wasn’t asked, with one exception, if my sister got married and had some other woman stand up with her and not me it would hurt my feelings. If she didn’t have any technical bridesmaid, just a simple wedding with just her and her fiance standing, then I would not care I was not asked.

Not a bridesmaids issue, but we had some bitterness in the family because a few cousins weren’t invited to my one cousin’s wedding. My Mom’s side of the family is big. She had 7 brothers and sisters and I have 35 cousins on that side. My one male cousin was getting married. His Mom was helping him with the invites. They decided to only invite certain cousins. They left out about 8. So, we have one cousin ringing up another cousin, wanting to talk about the forthcoming wedding. “What wedding?”, the other cousin asked. See, she wasn’t invited. Word got around to her sister (who also wasn’t invited) and the shit hit the fan. They distanced themselves from the extended family for a few years.

Include your cousin in the wedding party. Her hurt feelings aren’t worth it, in my opinion.

@Jleslie In my own, humble opinion, wedding showers are inherently tacky and in bad form. Someone throws a party for sole purpose of collecting gifts; there’s nothing subtle or coy about the reason for gathering. If an invited guest balks and declines to participate, the bride’s feelings will be hurt. If the same guest shows up, unwillingly and with a gift in hand, she’ll be resentful (and perhaps financially strained).

My mother told me that showers began, during the first half of the 20th century, as very casual events. Brides were generally much younger than they are today, and they often went directly from their parents’ homes to their marital homes. Couples didn’t have the items needed to set up housekeeping (kitchen gadgets, irons and ironing boards, etc.), so close friends and family members would help out. Ladies would get together, at someone’s house, and contribute modest but useful things. It was all very fun and informal.

Of course, modern wedding showers are large events, women who barely know the couple get invited, and guests are expected to bring expensive gifts.

My goodness…I certainly am in a bitter mood today, don’t you think?!

Just to show how inconsistent and irrational we human beings are:

Paul’s cousin is in a serious relationship that’s leading to an engagement. When Paul and I got married, I invited this cousin to be a bridesmaid. I didn’t know her at the time, but it mattered to Paul, and I was trying to avoid World War III with Paul’s family. So, I went along and asked her. (She turned out to be a lovely person, by the way, and I’m very fond of her.)

If she doesn’t include me in her own wedding, I’ll be extremely hurt and offended. This is true even though I dislike weddings, think that bridal parties are ridiculous, and don’t really want to be anyone’s bridesmaid. My reactions would be all about being excluded and ignored; I included her in my wedding, and she should do the same for me.

No, my comments aren’t rational, but since when can we mere mortals be counted on to be rational?

@SadieMartinPaul No, you don’t sound bitter, not to worry. I once saw on a show that in one particular family they have a bridal shower that is a pantry party. Guests bring pantry items like sugar, flour, favorite spices, and other packaged and canned goods. All stuff that will keep even if the wedding is a month or two away. Again it must go back to young people starting their life on their own when they got married. I thought that was cute, and the financial obligation to the people coming to the party is very small. Not that I think anyone should feel obligated, I do honestly believe the presence of their company is the most important thing. If I go to a shower I give less at the wedding. It just breaks apart how much I am spending altogether. Probably what really needs to go away is opening gifts in front of everyone. It becomes almost like a competition. Who bought what and everyone sees.

After all comments I really am leaning just ask the cousin to be in the wedding as long as it does not open a can of worms that other cousins should be invited. @Mama_Cakes pushed me over the edge on the idea.

@JLeslie I know why I’m so angry today. I’m very annoyed with my brother, who’s making my life stressful and difficult for reasons that have nothing to do with weddings. But, I’m venting my annoyance at the whole subject of weddings, which is an easy target for me and helps me avoid thinking about my brother. :-)

@eferrara I’m sorry if I sound cynical. I have a very indifferent attitude towards most traditions that others of my species engage in.

@JLeslie “I really am leaning just ask the cousin to be in the wedding as long as it does not open a can of worms that other cousins should be invited.”

I’m starting to realize that @eferrara is between a rock and hard place. Right now, she’s hurting one cousin’s feelings. Clearly, she doesn’t want to hurt anyone; otherwise, she wouldn’t have posted her original question at Fluther. So, if she invites the cousin, will she end up with 15 additional cousins as bridesmaids? My unorthodox suggestion – backing away from the headaches and having no bridal party at all – would leave her disappointed and resentful.

Hey, @eferrara, how about eloping? :-)

@flip86 You’re a dude, right? You can understand the absurdity of someone paying a fortune just to be Queen For A Day and end up offending and annoying various people. Think of all the other uses for that money – a down-payment on a house, or a couple of new cars, or a nest egg for the future, etc.

People spend sooo much on weddings and like @SadieMartinPaul said, it can be spent elsewhere. IMHO brides are so into being Princess for a Day, and then they often turn into Bridezillas.

@SadieMartinPaul Yes, I do understand the absurdity. I also don’t get why brides need a huge stone on their finger.

@flip86 “I also don’t get why brides need a huge stone on their finger.”

But, I bet you know that “valuable” jewelry is nearly worthless? Let’s say that you dole-out $15K for the engagement ring of her dreams, but that you and she later break up. When you try to recoup your costs for the ring, you’ll sell it for a very, very low price.

@SadieMartinPaul Well, on the assumption the OP wants a wedding, I like your idea of not having anyone stand up with her or maybe just ask nuclear family. But, the OP has voiced always wanting her friends and this one cousin to be in her wedding, so I have my doubts that will change. I guess since it is so long before the wedding there is time to change her mind, I didn’t understand the time frame initially. A close friend of mine they changed their mind three months before the wedding after planning a big one. The pace they had reserved went out of business, and they opted to reschedule the wedding at a location wedding and only invite a very very small group of people. But, the couple getting married liked that idea in the first place. With that change the relatives were upset. You can’t win.

I have regrets regarding my wedding, I have listed some here, but I don’t regret having a wedding and a reception at all. My dad told me to take the money he alloted and “elope” or have a small location wedding, I opted for the biggish wedding. I don’t think it was about being princess for a day, it was about the party. I wanted to be with everyone. Although, if I did it again I would never tell the hotel it was a wedding I think. Less negotiating room usually. They know brides are emotional. They have done studies, not very scientific ones, but informal ones, and florists and caterers up their prices about 20–30% when they hear the word wedding.

Someone above mentioned spending tons of money and going into debt for a wedding, that I am completely against. But, if someone can easily afford a $50k wedding and they want to do it, have at it. I wouldn’t spend that much even if I could afford it, but that’s me.

@SadieMartinPaul Diamond rings are a fairly recent trend in human history. De Beers aggressively marketed them towards young women back in the 1940’s and holds a virtual monopoly on the business. They sit on huge stockpiles of diamonds and trickle them out very carefully so the price stays high, giving the illusion that they are rare and therefore, a worthy investment. It is one of the biggest ongoing scams of the 20th century.

@flip86 “De Beers aggressively marketed them towards young women back in the 1940’s and holds a virtual monopoly on the business.”

Did you know that those guilt-trip commercials (“Is ____ month’s salary too much to pay for something that will last a lifetime?”) vary among geographic areas? The “magic” number of months depends on local demographics, affluence, and the median income of men within a certain age bracket.

I believe the formula is greater income = fewer months. If a guy earns $600K per year, one month’s salary, or $50K, should cover the ring of just about anyone’s dreams. If a guy’s earning $24K, he’d need to toil for three full months to pay for a $6K ring.

It’s unfortunate that any young man is saddled with these sorts of expectations. There are synthetic diamonds that look exactly like the real thing (sometimes, even nicer). Wouldn’t it be great if every lady would insist on a low-costing imitation instead of an obscenely-priced genuine article?

One month’s salary if he makes $600k?! $50K for a wedding ring/set/engagement? I am such a peasant. LOL. I can’t imagine having a $50k ring. Even if my husband made $600k. Honestly, people who make that much money don’t think in terms of how many months salary for a ring. That type of calculation is for people who make much less money.

I don’t agree zirconia look the same, I can almost always tell the difference. My first ring was zirconia. Personally, I would rather have no engagement ring and wait until I can afford a real one.

@JLeslie I think that cubic zirconia is different from the latest synthetic diamonds (Moissanite). CZs have been around for about 40 years and, yes, they often look artificial. Moissanite’s the new kid on the block, and I’ve read that it’s a much better imitation.

Of course, a jeweler or someone from the diamond cartel will say that nothing matches the luster, brilliance, and beauty of a real diamond, but I question the (extremely biased) words of such sources.

One compelling reason for choosing a synthetic stone – it’s conflict-free.

Hey! Here’s an idea: let’s go with rhinestones (a.k.a. diamantes); big, huge rhinestones!

I often just wear my gold band.

I do have a diamond ring now, but we bought it many years after we got married. If we never had bought it one I never would have been upset, but I do love my ring. I didn’t long for it, I just happened by it.

I never had an engagement ring and it never bothered me.

Ditto. I could have cared less about a damn ring, and my wedding band was the classic band of gold.
Pffft…people and their attachments to symbolic bullshit.
I still have zero desire for a diamond ring. If some man was to want to give me a 50k ring I would scoff in his face.

A 50k down payment on a 200 acre ranch… build a tree house in Costa Rica, buy me an island, now we’re talkin’. lol

Yup!

Was? Uh hem….if some man were to want to give me a 50k ring….*

@Coloma Now you’re talking. I’d much rather spend my money on experiences. Funny, that diamond ring I have now, people ask me if it is my wedding band (it has lots of little diamonds, not a big stone anywhere in it, so it looks more like a band than an engagement ring) and I answer no. My wedding band is the one I received at my wedding in my mind. No stones at all just gold all the way around. I purposely wanted no diamonds to go with the superstition that diamonds in a wedding band symbolize bumps in the road in your marriage. The other ring with the diamonds I consider to be a gift from my husband. So, it isn’t even symbolic like an engagement ring. I just liked it.

Now this Q is way off track. LOL

Tell her to grow up

Isn’t it interesting how these message threads can meander all over the place and go off on so many tangents? We began with @eferrara‘s question about her cousin wanting to be a bridesmaid, and we’ve covered weddings, bridal showers, diamond rings…

I, too, didn’t want an engagement ring. I like the simplicity of a single, gold band, and I’ve never lusted for fancy jewelry. But, Paul’s a true romantic at heart, and he wanted to propose marriage with a ring. I told him that sapphires are nice, and that I’d always admired them. So, he chose a very understated, yet lovely, sapphire ring; I truly like it, and it didn’t cost a fortune.