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flutherbrother's avatar

Question(s) about my ongoing interraction with a seemingly shy woman?

Asked by flutherbrother (13points) April 2nd, 2014

Great, so, I have a relationship situation. I am very active on Fluther but will use this account for things I do not wanted to be identified for (I know people on here in real life, you all understand). This kind of thing is very unlike me, but I find myself in a very difficult does-she-like me sort of circumstance that is embarrassing but still needs to be talked out. So, here goes. God bless whoever reads and responds.

I have had a very distant friendship with a woman for some time. I would look at her often and when I went to make peace one day (I felt guilty), was surprised by how friendly and pleased she was to speak with me. We met on and off for work-related things over a period of several months, but were both involved, and it went nowhere.

Several weeks ago we came back into contact and our interactions were as follows:

—- Open play-by-play log—-

- Coffee for work. We actually spent the whole time talking about our life plans and dogs.

- A week later, as we talked about plans for our week vacation, she included somewhat suddenly she would be breaking up with her boyfriend. I responded sympathetically, then complimented her new highlights on the way out. Later, I brought her coffee while she worked; we talked for about five minutes, then I had to go.

- Two weeks later, as she was filling out her calendar, I asked her to pencil me in for coffee. She did, and we met, and talked more about professional interests, family, and our hobbies. At the end, she asked me if I would be around at a time we usually intersect; I said no, but offered that next Sunday. She agreed.

- That next Saturday, I emailed her to confirm a time. She responded after my second email with an enthusiastic Yes!. I offered a time and she did not respond (3pm). She emailed me an hour before, at 2pm, saying 3 would be great. I went by her apartment and she invited me in, showed me around, and got her coat and whatnot. We went and had coffee. Slightly nervous conversation, not too deep, but pleasant. She had to get back by a certain time so I walked her back.

- The next day, getting out of class (grad school), I walked her home. It was the first time she saw me in formal attire (it was very conspicuous) and she did not comment on it at all (but she said she liked the tie during the walk). It was brief but the most comfortable conversation we’d had since the first work-and-dogs chat, laughing and whatnot. I asked for her phone number, which I had kept forgetting to get, and she was quick to give it to me. She called herself from my phone but did not pick it up, and we departed.

- Yesterday (Tuesday), we both went radio silent. Cool.

- Today, I text her about the same Wednesday time slot from last week (after her class), and got nothing. I shot off another shortly before that time, and still nothing.

—- End log—-

So this is a pretty classic, even boring, story. But typically, women are more obvious. She has consistently been very reserved and quiet, chewing her nails or gripping something, and what seems like batting her eyelashes. She may very well be incredibly shy, or nervous, but she does not reach out remotely when that is safe. I could also take her reactions as aloof, friendly, or uninterested. If not for what I think is my obvious interest, I would think she just did not realize. I have been very conservative (coffee, safe topics, etc…) and moved slowly, but I have also been very persistent.

I really like this woman a great deal; more than I typically am interested in anyone. She is hard to access, very receptive, friendly, and interested in sharing about herself or hearing about me when I do, and she always initiates to leave. Today she has simply not responded.

In short, I am a grown man feeling like a 13yr old boy over a woman who is both charming and seems simultaneously interested and opaque. I have no experience with such people and could really use some third-or-forth party perspectives.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Do you know someone like this? Are there any women who have a sense of why you would repeatedly put yourself in someone’s audience, have interested conversations, but then leave fairly quickly and not respond remotely?

Thank you for your time. I know I am being an ass.

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12 Answers

chyna's avatar

I’m wondering if she has cut all ties with her ex boyfriend? Most of the women I know would be more receptive to the interactions you are describing unless there is someone else in the picture.
I’m not sure she sounds shy as much as she sounds reserved. Some women, especially in the over 40ish range prefer the man to make all the moves, which it seems you are doing.
You can either keep up this dance you two are doing, or just get to the point and ask her out on a real date. I think then you will know what is going on with her.
Good luck!

flutherbrother's avatar

Yeah, we’re definitely mid-20s. :P The boyfriend point is a valid one, I certainly do not have all the information there. We have what is essentially a major yearly formal coming up. I will be attending in an official capacity and so am not really at liberty to “take a date,” but I’ve considered telling her that and encouraging her to attend, and making sure her ticket is comped if she does go collect it. Then I would of course find her there and attend to her as much as I was able. It’s indirect, but we are both in fact in the process of ending relationships, and I am trying to avoid being overbearing (or myself appearing out of line, given that I’m also still ‘complicated’) while still not appearing overly timid.

jlk2525's avatar

You’re not being an ass, its a completely valid question and this kind of thing plays on your mind!

You could ask her if she’s spoken to her ex. Its a way to put across you’re interested and you may get some information to clarify where she is at. If she likes you, she’ll know your motives behind asking this.

If she has been interested in you before then it is highly likely she still will be. Play it cool but it seems like YOU will have to be the one that keeps initiating progression. This women sounds a lot like I am, and if I don’t reply it could be that I’m busy which is often combined with the fact I’m nervous and I’m waiting to respond as I can look forward to it at the end of my day for example.

I’m a 24 year old female by the way.

Afos22's avatar

Hey buddy, sounds like things are going pretty smooth. Do me a favor and ask her out to something more serious or lengthier than coffee.

GloPro's avatar

I have no advice and it doesn’t sound like you need it. You’re cruising along. Good luck!

DaphneT's avatar

You say you’re both ending relationships. Have you ended your relationship? If not, don’t ask her for more than you’re getting. That’s called hedging your bets and not respectful of either woman. I’ve always called it cowardice, and have never been truly interested in a guy who tries it. For that matter, why should she respond in more than a friendship-oriented manner to any of your overtures?

Bottom line: if you can’t be patient and wait for years for her to express more interest than friendship, then she’s more woman than you need right now.

tedibear's avatar

It sounds like she has read The Rules, along with being a bit shy.

KNOWITALL's avatar

You really don’t want to be the rebound do you? I’d back off and just try to keep being friends for a bit, let her settle down, this may be a confusing time for her and maybe she needs a friend more than she needs another lover.

Or perhaps she’s not sure what you want from her. It’s hard to know without knowing more about her ex and that ending.

If you were my guy friend, I would tell you to play it cool and give her some space.
If she hasn’t responded in a few days, try one more time then just move on, maybe she’s not into you.

LornaLove's avatar

It’s a lousy feeling when we are so into someone, everything they do, or do not do is magnified. A silent unanswered text brings on tons of thoughts, maybe she feels this, maybe she is doing that, does she like me, doesn’t she like me. Stressful!

Give her a day or so then PHONE her. That you you don’t have to agonize over it. Simple right!

I have no idea if she likes you, only she knows that.

Aster's avatar

She sounds busy or distracted to me. If I were you I’d leave her alone and see what happens. I mean completely back off from her and see if she makes the next move. I remember I had guys I wasn’t into and if they kept calling I’d be very remote with them. You don’t want to go through that. And sometimes, if you leave women alone, they come around eventually and decide they liked you after all. I know it’s nuts.
If you do, in fact, get her on a date again try to find out how she feels about dating in general. Get a little deeper into her feelings. Women love to talk about feelings. lol

Adagio's avatar

@LornaLove I guess the shoe’s on the other foot but your comments made me think of something I read yesterday.

Afos22's avatar

Haha @Adagio That’s so funny.

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