Social Question

keobooks's avatar

What would you do if someone asked you a question like this? (NSFW)

Asked by keobooks (14276points) January 27th, 2014

I have been friends with this guy for over 25 years. We dated the first six months of those years, but I don’t think of him as an ex, because it’s been so long ago and we were just kids back then. We’re both married and he is a youth pastor (for some reason this fact makes what he asked me even squickier in my mind)

I mentioned on Facebook that I had the night alone without my husband or daughter. He sent a message and asked if I had enough AAA batteries to make the night in bed alone fun. I got totally squicked. Did he really just asked me if I was masturbating? Seriously?

He’s a bit socially awkward, and always has been. But you’d think a minister would know what is and isn’t appropriate to say to someone out of the blue. I am flabbergasted that he’d ask me such a question. I have no idea how to respond.

Am I being to prudish? Do other people make jokes like this and ask people questions like this and I just hang around with the “wrong” crowd? Should I just tell him I think that’s a rude question and leave it at that? Should I tell him off for being pervy or would that be too rude for the question?

I am tempted to just remove him from my friends list with no comment, but after knowing him 25 years, that doesn’t seem right. But I found the question totally inappropriate to the point where even talking about it with him would embarrass me.

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31 Answers

JLeslie's avatar

Ick. I’d probably remove him. If I did respond it would be something alongnthe lines of how I think what he said was over the line and made me uncomfortable.

I don’t think you are being to prude. Yesterday a man I just met was telling me within five minutes of talking how women in Montrael are more available. He made me uncomfortable. I got that feeling of old man doesn’t know what is appropriate. Sleezy feeling. Ick.

keobooks's avatar

This may sound silly, but I almost feel as if I got groped or something. I wasn’t expecting this at all from anyone. It makes me wonder if he does other creepy things with women when his wife isn’t around.

zenvelo's avatar

Eeew. And I’m a pretty open guy, but that was just out of line. You’ve known him 25 years, it means you’re both at least in your forties.

I wouldn’t defriend him, I’d private message him and just be flat out honest that his comment was way out of line, and what would he say if someone asked his wife if she had enough batteries on hand?

livelaughlove21's avatar

I know people that could ask me that (in a joking manner) without creeping me out, but it completely depends on the relationship. You clearly don’t have a relationship with this guy that allows for comments like that. I’d probably just ignore it. At most I’d respond with a “Seriously?” I wouldn’t “tell him off” or delete him unless it becomes a recurring thing.

If it were a friend of mine, I’d tell him, “Yeah, I borrowed some from your wife.”

linguaphile's avatar

If you guys had a friendship that allowed for these kind of jokes, then it wouldn’t be a problem, but it sounds like he’s nowhere in that zone.. In that case, I agree—outta line. It’s not even within the gray area of appropriate-ness. And like @zenvelo, I’m open-minded, but this would’ve made me quite uncomfortable. I like your word “squicked-” mine would have been “wtff.”

If it was me, I’d delete his reply (if it’s visible on the FB wall), and private message him that this was a comment I’d much have preferred him keep to himself.

I wouldn’t delete him either—just would establish boundaries.

Coloma's avatar

Totally inappropriate and creepy. Youth Pastor? Go figure, big surprise. haha
I had an old friends ex husband GIVE me a vibrator once, I was blown away and told his wife.

Their marriage was already on the rocks so as far as I was concerned, his rocks were open for kicking. lol

LuckyGuy's avatar

I’d delete the comment and ignore. No use getting riled up over him. You said it yourself, he is socially awkward. Now you have proof. If he does it again, delete him.

AshLeigh's avatar

Tell him to repent.

ragingloli's avatar

I see no problem with it.

Cruiser's avatar

I would tell him straight up that you were deeply offended by his comment and shocked that a minister would make such statements and any further remarks like that will jeopardize your friendship.

syz's avatar

“Dude. Inappropriate.”

ninjacolin's avatar

Hard to believe this is the first you’re finding out about his pervy sense of humor. But if that’s the case, he must’ve been in a mood with a latent penchant for keobooks. Maybe there’s a hot and steamy midlife (crisis) love story about to happen if you play your cards right.

janbb's avatar

Yuck. I would message him and tell him his comment was way over the line. Go with your gut about whether to unfriend him or not.

Juels's avatar

If you found his comments offensive, then they were. Someone that has known you for 25 years should be well aware his comments were crossing the line.

In my experience, being clear about your feelings may prevent further issues. I would tell him that you were uncomfortable with his comments and explain the type of relationship (if any at all) you would like with him. If you’re uncomfortable saying these things directly to him, you can always send him a message, letter, or email.

CWOTUS's avatar

In my case, if it was a friend of such long standing, I would probably laugh and riff on the joke – but not answer the direct question. But that’s me; I’m okay talking about sex in general terms, even if I’m not going to answer anyone’s direct questions about masturbation honestly. (Mark Twain was alleged to have spoken off the record to a group of men after one of his public appearances, on the topic of masturbation, that “95% of men do it, and the other 5% are liars.”) So, sure, I’d lie.

If he is a friend, and you already know that he’s socially awkward (I guess!), then perhaps you can tell him that you’re “disappointed in his attempted joke” or words to that effect. For whatever reason he hasn’t got it through his skull yet that direct questions about this topic are taboo for you, and probably jokes are, too – especially those that hit close to home. If he’s a minister, then apparently he can learn, but he just hasn’t learned this yet. So, teach him. Once. Next time, pull the plug if you must.

Blondesjon's avatar

Are you sure that is what he meant by AAA batteries?

I say inappropriate things all the time on purpose, but, sometimes what I think was an innocent comment is taken totally the wrong way because I was a bit too vague with my wording.

The comment does sound pervy but I think 25 years of friendship is worth digging a little deeper for some clarification.

cookieman's avatar

I would kindly correct him that my device takes C-batteries.

elbanditoroso's avatar

I’d laugh a couple of times and forget it. Definitely not make a comment to him or anyone else.

flutherother's avatar

You have known him a long time. I would ignore it as a one off silly attempt at humour. If it happens again just tell him what he should already know, that the remark was inappropriate and made you feel uncomfortable.

keobooks's avatar

This IS the first time he’s ever said something like this (except once when he was drunk in high school) It came totally out of nowhere. I’d be less surprised if my grandma asked me this! He’s been a holy roller since college and acted like he didn’t even know the word “damn”.

@Blondesjon—What else could he mean? AAA batteries.. have fun.. alone,, in bed.. I don’t thnk he was talking about making shadow puppets on the wall with my flashlight.

Blondesjon's avatar

Hey, I’ll be the first to agree that the odds are 99.999% in favor of him being pervy, but, you mentioned 25 years of friendship and I thought I would speak up for that part of it.

It’s hard to get 25 years out of anything.

jca's avatar

Sometimes, a good response is a question, like “I’m not sure what you mean. Can you clarify?” Or “I don’t understand why you are asking that question.” Then let the person explain what they were talking about (hopefully getting themselves in more hot water).

Silence04's avatar

So did you have enough batteries or not?

ragingloli's avatar

Well, he obviously meant batteries for your TV’s remote control.

keobooks's avatar

I’m not talking about ending the friendship forever. Just removing him from Facebook. I don’t think he’d say anything like that face to face.

BTW, I told him that iPads ran on lithium batteries and not AAAs and I had more than enough charge to watch Downton Abbey in bed and then play Candy Crush all night.

janbb's avatar

Sounds like you handled it well. As far as Facebook goes, you might want to remove him or you might want to consider what kind of information you put on your page that any jerk can respond to.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@keobooks That was a great answer. Nicely done.

OpryLeigh's avatar

I’d imagine he was just trying to be funny but, as he is socially awkward, he doesn’t really know how to be!! You may find that as soon as he said it, he regretted it. I know I have said things so many times that sounded funny and harmless in my head but when it was out there it was just uncomfortable and weird! I would give him the benefit of the doubt and try not to dwell on it. I wouldn’t even mention it to him unless he does it again. If he is feeling awkward about it he probably wants to forget the whole thing.

Personally, I agree with @livelaughlove21

GloPro's avatar

I’m just gonna throw it out there that you really shouldn’t be posting that you are home alone on Facebook. I’d be more compelled to post the next day that I enjoyed my night home alone for a change.
But I’m a big safety dork.

keobooks's avatar

I mentioned that I had the night alone—I already had it when I posted. But thanks for the info.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

He is not Christ, no one is a perfect human but Jesus Christ; so being human he can and has flubbed up. What you can or should have done is text him back,

Ephesians 5:4
…and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.

Let him know if he can’t bridle his tongue he should think before he speaks.

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