Social Question

jypl's avatar

Can I develop romantic feelings over time dating a guy I don't love?

Asked by jypl (8points) February 7th, 2014

I’ve met this guy for not very long. He meets the criteria of a guy I would date but the problem is, one day we just got close & he kissed me on the lips. It was my first kiss but I didn’t felt any ‘sparks’ or ‘butterflies’ sort of thing.

I don’t think I can return the same feelings & affection he has towards me at this point of the time.

I think I’m just really confused. So now I suppose we are together but I don’t have any romantic feelings for him. Is it possible to fall for someone after a longer period of time spent together?

Help! what should I do? Stories would be a great help.

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16 Answers

ccrow's avatar

Well, I think most people start out not loving the person, don’t they?:-) Sure, give it a little time.

ucme's avatar

The point being, dating/kissing should only happen when those “romantic feelings” are already present. Waiting for that to just happen is like sitting in a car with no engine, you ain’t going nowhere.

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Smitha's avatar

Yes, in many cases relationship definitely grow to spark. There will always be an attraction to begin with, but no heavy duty chemistry.You may like the person initially, and from there love grows which will develop into a healthy relationship. Spend more time with him and get to know the real person before you decide someone is not the right person for you. Just don’t judge the relationship by first kiss. You might not have felt the spark because you may either have been nervous or you may have been expecting too much.
If you feel he is the right guy and think you like him, then try to make it work, or else just don’t take it any further.

gailcalled's avatar

I’m not sure how helpful this is, but I remember my first kiss. I was thirteen and I felt as though I was kissing a rubber glove. I never saw that guy again but several months and another boy later, things really improved (really, really). I think my hormones had’t quite reached the simmering point.

You needn’t suppose anything; if the feelings aren’t there, they aren’t there. Often a first kiss is like the first pancake; burnt around the edges and disposable.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

Before I could answer – because otherwise my response would be the same as @ucme‘s – I would want to know why you kissed a guy that you didn’t already have a strong attachment to.

Like @gailcalled, I also remember my first kiss, which was with a girl whom I thought (at the time) I did feel a pretty strong attachment to (after an un-memorable first date), but who I later learned (and very soon thereafter) didn’t feel much attraction to me. The kiss was only memorable in that it was “the first”, and not worth remembering for any other reason.

nebule's avatar

I don’t think there are any rules for this kind of thing. I would go with your gut feeling. If there aren’t any sparks and as you say you don’t think you can return his feelings at the moment, I would be honest with him and sensitively say how you feel. Maybe things could develop but don’t rush anything and don’t do anything because you think that is what is expected of you. All the best x

hearkat's avatar

I agree that first kisses don’t seem to live up to the hype – I suspect because of nervousness and inexperience. In addition, there have been a few men that I’ve dated where I developed feelings for them as I got to know them. Looks and physique are superficial and will change with time, having an attraction to and bonding with the character of the person is a much more substantial connection.

I also support what others have said that it is better to develop feelings for someone before kissing them. I wish I had been given the advice to really get to know someone before dating them. Friendship, trust and respect are the bedrock of a strong and lasting relationship. The “butterflies” and “sparks” are definitely a thrill, but they don’t continue “happily ever after”. Again, it is the emotional intimacy – not physical intimacy – that creates a successful relationship.

In your current situation, he understandably presumes that you do find him attractive, which isn’t very fair to him. I’d suggest telling him that you got caught-up in the rush of the moment when you kissed him, but that you really feel it is best for you to move slowly and get to know one another better before sharing any further physical affection. If he really likes you as a person he will respect your wishes.

Cruiser's avatar

I would say you could over time. I dated a lot of women and had a lot of first kisses and each one was kind of an awkward moment full of cautious, nervous sometimes giddy emotions. It was the second and third kisses (if I got to get one) where things would get interesting and sometimes deliver that “wow” you might be expecting here.

kritiper's avatar

It’s possible, but you’d be forcing it and yourself. If you don’t get the feeling right off, you probably won’t, really.

livelaughlove21's avatar

Oh, I have so much to say about this.

1. “He meets the criteria of a guy I would date”

Criteria?! Do you have a list or something? Yikes. You need to relax on that stuff. The guy you end up falling for may not meet any of that criteria. You can’t pick guys by checking off qualities on your list of “perfect guy” criteria.

2. “I didn’t felt any ‘sparks’ or ‘butterflies’ sort of thing”

Sparks? Butterflies? Okay, stop watching chick flicks and reading romance novels, NOW. This is real life, not a fairy tale.

3. “Is it possible to fall for someone after a longer period of time spent together?”

That’s typically how it’s done. You don’t fall in love with someone as soon as you meet them. Love isn’t instantaneous; it takes time.

You need to ask yourself if you’re attracted to this guy. If you’re not, then you probably won’t be any time soon. And if you’re not attracted to him, then cut him loose now before he gets too attached.

When I met my husband, we were 17 and I had just broken up with my first boyfriend. I was getting attention from the opposite sex for the first time in my life (I was very shy prior to this) and I just wanted to have some fun. I definitely thought he was a good guy and I was attracted to him, but I really didn’t think I wanted to actually date him – maybe just something juvenile like making out. ;) However, he really liked me and wanted to date. I said yes, but I wasn’t too sure about it. It took a good month and then, one afternoon after school, I was driving to his house and I noticed that I felt really nervous to see him. Ahem, them’s the butterflies people talk about I suppose. Yeah, an entire month before I really started to think of him as someone I could be with for awhile. Love didn’t come into the picture for a couple more months after that. Real grown-up love took even longer to develop, since neither of us knew what the hell that meant at our age. Three years later, we got married. Like I said, this is real life, not a fairy tale. You may not be head over heels (or heels over head, for some people) for a guy within a week of being around him. Real feelings for another person develop over time.

Only you know how you feel. If you have no interest in dating him, don’t date him! You’re obviously very young and have plenty of time to date around if that’s what you want to do. No need to freak out that you’re not madly in love with this guy.

marinelife's avatar

Yes, especially if you are friends first. Do you like him? His values? How he conducts himself?

SadieMartinPaul's avatar

I think the “over time” part is exactly how it’s supposed to work! All those sparks and flutters? They’re not love, they’re signs of an initial attraction that may or not grow into something more serious.

anniereborn's avatar

If this is your first kiss, I am gonna guess you are pretty young. There is plenty of time for you to have to “work” to make a relationship feel good. Enjoy this time of your life. Go for the whirlwind of feelings that dating gives you. I am not talking about sleeping around.
I just mean…..have FUN . Those “butterflies” and crushy feelings are a wonderful.

LornaLove's avatar

There are different kinds of love. We put perhaps more value on ‘romantic’ love because media is full of it. There is also companion love. Neither one is better, what is better is the one we seek at a given life stage.

jlk2525's avatar

Set yourself a period of time, for example 3 to 6 months and in that time if your feelings don’t develop you end it. By doing so you won’t regret never having gave it a chance.

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