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fuglyduckling's avatar

How can I have a healthy life again after a trauma?

Asked by fuglyduckling (412points) July 20th, 2014

Something happened to me that I suppose I regret even though I always tell myself I shouldn’t regret anything. I was in a car accident last year where I broke my nose and my arm. First time seeing myself in the mirror after the accident was such a shock. I used to always be called the unique featured, pretty, exotic girl. I’ve been confident. I wouldn’t do much make-up, or dress up everyday. I was confident in my looks enough to focus on other things in life and educate myself every day.

After the accident I became way less attractive. I know that it ‘shouldn’t’ matter, but when you are 24 and have lived with such a familiar face and gotten millions of compliments and TV or movie roles for it. Is not about being vain. It was hard, obviously. It still is hard, because I got to fix my nose and I look even worse. Nose affects so much of the face and the old sweet characteristic facial structure of mine is gone. I am having trouble coping with all this. It is making me upset as much as it would anybody.

Another thing is that I trusted someone so much that I let him operate on my face. And it was a disappointment. So I am suffering being let down this badly. I am really a good girl and I don’t want to lose all hope and trust this early in my life…

I can’t look myself in the mirror without also feeling like I am about to choke. I want to cry myself to sleep most nights. I don’t know how I am going to get out of this situation, but if I don’t I am afraid I will hurt myself. I feel utterly hopeless.

So what can I do now? Is there anything I can do at all to stop looking altered and fake?

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19 Answers

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GloPro's avatar

Your problem isn’t your looks. It’s your self esteem. There are plenty of average, or even below average, looking people out there that are popular, rich, successful, etc. If you are struggling with vanity, I would suggest you take the time to study some of those people. Watch YouTube interviews to notice their attitudes, body language and behavior. It happens all of the time that people are perceived as more attractive because of a positive personality.
Your lack of confidence shows. Start there.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

Is your face disfigured or is your nose just different? Why is your face so unpleasant now?

I think you need to go and work with people less fortunate than you. Go and help out at the local homeless shelter or the old folks home. Perhaps spending some time with people who really do have problems might take your mind off your looks. You survived the accident. You can communicate and get around and you don’t have brain damage (that I’m aware of). If the worst that you’re left with is a nose that looks different and this is causing you trauma, you perhaps need to talk to psychologist too.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

could we see a picture? Or if you want PM it to me. Your nose matters so little to me, it’s what’s inside that matters so much more. Relax a bit. It may be some swelling, but I’m guessing you look really good.

chyna's avatar

You have been on TV? Are you still getting roles? If you are that unhappy with your nose, see another plastic surgeon and see what he/she has to say that can be done with your nose.

XOIIO's avatar

If you have gotten “millions” of compliments, and tv and movie roles from it, surely you could afford rhinoplasty to restore how you looked before?

GloPro's avatar

Lyle Lovett. The man isn’t easy on the eyes but he married Julia Roberts and is a self made millionaire. What does he have that you don’t? Figure that out, and you are on the right track.

BTW, last week you claimed to be in your late 20s, now you are 24. You first said your rhinoplasty was medical for breathing purposes, now it’s cosmetic due to an injury. Please tell us the truth right away and your discrepancies won’t be so hard to keep track of. It makes you less credible.

XOIIO's avatar

@GloPro No kidding, this kind of just seems like someone who wants attention/sympathy for no real reason.

Anderson90's avatar

I know you must feel terrible after the accident. But you have to make yourself stand up. You have to get back your confidence. Looks are not your problem, all you need to do is adjust your option and attitude. Moreover, I want to share another story with you. In Sichuang, China, a young, pretty girl, lost one of her legs when she was young. But now, she wears high heels, makes up. Seeing from her back, you can define that she is a confident and beautiful girl. (I couldn’t upload a picture of her.)
She is just an ordinary girl in the world. I believe that you can do better than her.
First, cheer up and then figure out, OK?

fuglyduckling's avatar

Since I had a broken nose not only did I look different I also couldn’t breathe @GloPro and I am in my mid to late twenties now.

GloPro's avatar

24 is not late 20s.

fuglyduckling's avatar

@GloPro I’m 26 now… What are you trying to do? This is very childish. Am I suppose to prove to you that I am 26 now?

GloPro's avatar

As I stated, if you are consistent in your details throughout your questions you are more credible. I am not trying to “do” anything. I do have a pretty good memory, and there are certainly inconsistencies.

XOIIO's avatar

@GloPro Maybe two years have passed already, and you didn’t realize it. Maybe you were frozen in time for two years!

fuglyduckling's avatar

@Earthbound_Misfit It is unpleasant now, and it looks very ‘done’. I used to have a very unique nose with a small hump that fit my face perfectly. I have seen a psychologist but she wasn’t helpful at all.

@GloPro After the surgery I’ve been very self-conscious. You’re right. I have always valued my looks before like others did. Should I have not? I was used to living in my own body, etc. I guess the idea of ‘change’ also shocked me.

canidmajor's avatar

If you are having trouble breathing, even after having your nose “fixed”, perhaps you should consider legal action against the surgeon who failed to restore full function, a settlement would help you pay for the procedure that would help you breathe better, and could maybe restore your nose to its former shape.

If therapy didn’t help you deal with the trauma, I have two suggestions. Get a different therapist. Go in with an open mind. Many of your responses here indicate that you are not willing to change your perspective after two years. If you have not dealt with something that you refer to as a “trauma” after this much time, you really really need to change your outlook. Really.

GloPro's avatar

I think that it has only been one month since your last surgery, and your face is still most likely swollen and sensitive. You mentioned that you trusted a doctor enough to operate on your face, and it was a disappointment. Was it the same doctor that performed your first surgery? Was the doctor under the impression that you wanted rhinoplasty to improve your breathing or your looks? It sounds silly, but being on the same page with the doctor going in is very important. You originally stated it was to improve breathing, and “somewhat shape.” It’s hard to fully answer because I am uncertain if you needed reconstructive surgery or just broke your nose in an accident and it changed the shape into one you are uncomfortable with. You’ve had two nose jobs in a year or two now. I would hesitate to keep working on your nose if it’s just for cosmetic reasons.

The psychology of changing your face can be traumatic, as you know. You’re feeling like you are trapped in a face that doesn’t belong to you. Might it be helpful to stop looking in the mirror and stop reading fashion mags for awhile? Obsessing about what society deems beautiful is really fucking with your head, and as stated above, your self esteem.

Even without an accident, or nose jobs, your face is going to change as you get older. So will your body. I was a swimwear model for a surf magazine in my early 20s. I looked great and I knew it. 10 years later I definitely don’t get the attention I used to. Society is trained to appreciate young women. There have been adjustment periods for me in which I have felt jealous or unattractive because I no longer get attention, or offers to model. I don’t even like to have my picture taken anymore because I still compare the me of today to the me of years ago. But that me is gone, just as your old nose is gone.

Honestly, life goes on. You have got to stop obsessing about looks, even more so when you don’t like them. Either get help, or get strong. Start listing your good qualities, both physical and personality wise. Life is not about looks, and what good looks can get you. Maybe you need to really meditate on what your life IS about. Living it this way is not it.

GloPro's avatar

@fuglyduckling Please watch this video. I grew up with this guy, and we were very good friends throughout high school. He was soccer captain, school President, the list goes on. His attitude and charisma are both amazing. If anyone can show you that life is not about looks, it is Joel. Let me know what you think.

GloPro's avatar

Actually, this video is a direct answer to your original question. How can I have a healthy life again after a trauma?
This one isn’t so churchy… He’s also your age in this interview.

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