If you have had a long and contented marriage or partnership (and I'll let each of you define the terms yourself), to what do you attribute it?

Communication for twenty three years.

It will be 10 years tomorrow since my husband and I started dating. We were friends first. I think friends have a different kind of relationship (other than the physical). They talk a lot more freely. They act a lot more like themselves. They allow themselves to be vulnerable together. I think I’d have to say that’s our “secret” to success. We knew what we were getting into :)

Been together for just over 20 years and married for 13.

@gailcalled: “what do you attribute it?”

Luck, like everything else.

We have been married more than 31 years. It has had its ups and downs, but has now become a very deep and fulfilling intimacy. We worked through a lot of issues over the years. We have always talked about things. Laughing together is one of our favorite things and we do it often.

Trust.

26 years is that a long time?
It has definitely has had it’s ups and downs, but what has already been said by others is we have let each other be their true selfs, with no expectations of changing into someone they are not.
Oh and I have to say it and it will piss off some here, and couldn’t care less, is NO KIDS.

Whenever anyone asks the secret of our endurance, my answer is always the same: “I do as I’m told.” The wife is always annoyed by this and protests vigorously that this is demonstrably untrue. But any of the sagely long term relationship men within hearing distance understand EXACTLY what I mean, and they all notice that when she denies the truth of it, I dare not argue with her!

@stanleybmanly: Do you equate endurance to contentment in your marriage? Daring not to argue with your partner does not sound like an enviable trait to me.

Endurance is just an objective description that can be applied to anything subjected to time and wear. Yeah, that’s the ticket! The wife and I are like a set of tires. Believe me. HAVING THE SENSE not to argue with your partner over silly things is a trait well worth cultivating.

For you, perhaps. Not necessarily a universal truth. Discussing or communicating is also different from arguing.

Okay. Let me ask you how our relationship might benefit were I to hotly dispute my wife’s denial that I don’t do as I’m told?

I can’t advise you on your relationship. You two get to do that.

Together for 23yrs this June, attributed to our mutual compatibility &...understanding who gets to wear the dresses first.

I’ve been married 22 years, we dated for 2 before we tied the knot. Many jellies know my marriage has been going through a strain this past year, because of a very stressful situation we are going through, that hopefully will be done with very soon. Aside from this unusual circumstance I feel very happy in my marriage.

There are a few things that I feel contribute to our long lasting marriage.

1. I would consider respect, trust, and honesty to be basics, but I’ll go ahead and mention those as number one. Trust is not only fidelity, but trusting the other person always has good intentions.

2. If you don’t mind doing a chore and the other person hates that particular chore, do it for them. This can be as simple as taking the trash out. For me it’s unloading the dishwasher.

3. Every so often discuss your individual goals together. Anything from material things, financial goals, travel, where you want to live, education, job, everything counts if it is important to the individual. Then as a couple support each other to achieve those goals, along with the goals for the relationship.

4. Have short term and long term plans. This partners with number 3 at times. Basically, being able to enjoy accomplishment and milestones.

5. During times of stress in the relationship remember to tell the other person they are loved, and reaffirm your commitment. This is what has helped me through this difficult time the most. After days or weeks of tension my husband will do something sweet that shows me we are a strong unit. He’ll tell me I’m beautiful, or ask where I want to go on vacation this summer, or compliment me on something. I do the same for him and put my mind in a place of remembering why I am so drawn to him and love him.

6. My husband still plays with me like we’re kids. Grabs me, we have little inside jokes, flashes me a smile at an unexpected moment.

7. We love being with each other (most of the time LOL). We want to do things together; have the other person there. Everything from watching TV, going to the race track, and learning something new. We also do plenty separately, but we still really enjoy each other’s company.

8. I think having things in common is a big help. I can completely understand how couples can have difficulties if each spouse wants to live in a different city than the other (I don’t mean at the same time, I mean if one won’t move for one reason and the other hates the city they live in) or wants to spend free time doing completely different things all the time.

With all of that said, I don’t like to say we have a great marriage or a perfect marriage. Maybe it’s superstition, or just the idea in my head that things change and can be hard to predict. What I do say is I love being married and still find my husband beautiful and interesting and fun to be with.

We’ve known each other more than 30 years. Been together for over 15. We’re best friends. We treat each other respectfully. We make time for our relationship. Doesn’t have to be anything fancy, but we deliberately invest one-on-one time in each other.

Mutual respect and trust.
Mature romantic love.
Many common interests.
Frugal and intelligent money management.
A willingness to go beyond the normal or the expected at anytime.
We never ague or fight. In 24 years of marriage I’ve never raised my voice to my adorable wife. I’m a hugger not a slugger.

@stanleybmanly I think you will get a kick out of this:

We built a house for a couple who had moved to our town to be closer to their two sons, both of whom lived here. They were both in their mid- seventies and had been married for over 50 years.
We got to know them pretty well over the three months it took to build their home and toward the end of our construction we were all inside going over various and sundry details. While the wife was trying to decide on which shade of taupe the walls needed to be and what color the trim was to be painted the husband got bored and wandered off to look at something else. She called him several times to come back and help her choose, not that he would have had much if any say, and he just ignored her and went on about his own business.
His wife turned to my partner and I and said:
“I don’t know what has gotten into that man lately. He just won’t do as he’s told anymore”

@rojo there are different shades of taupe? haha

@rojo If that were my husband it would really frustrate me that he just walked off like that while decisions about paint are being made. Only because he has a history about caring about those things. Some men don’t care about the decor or the dish pattern, but if they do, they better be around for the selection process. Apathy at the wrong time can be a real stressor on a marriage and downright abusive.

@anniereborn We found that most people we built for went for the bland and boring rather than the innovative. Almost as if they were afraid to be different.

@JLeslie His input was not really wanted, she was making the decision; that was obvious. It was more a case of him not staying where she thought he should be.

@rojo LOL. Yeah, well, that’s enough for me.~.

As I get older I do want my way more and more. I see this in women a lot as they get older.

And in most cases the men are perfectly willing to let them. I think most just would like to be left alone to putter when and how they want. Not Alone, Alone but on their own schedule. My business partner and I are still wondering at what point, or age, it becomes ok to not do as you are “told anymore”! Evidently it is somewhere around 70 to 75.

@rojo Honestly, that sounds like a terrible relationship. I wouldn’t stand for 50 years of that – as either the wife or the husband. I wish people wouldn’t hold up such examples as ideals for long and happy marriages.

We celebrated our 26th last year. When we met, our friendship developed and solidified before we “fell in love”. When we started exploring our romantic feelings, we were both a little hesitant. I was in my 30’s, she had been married and divorced. We wanted to make sure that if the romance did not work out we would still maintain our friendship, no matter what. Obviously, the romance worked out, we got married, and have shared the last quarter century. We have had (and still occasionally have) our share of disagreements, but the bottom line is “Is that really how you want to treat your best friend?”

My happy relationship is not yet a marriage, nor has it been very long yet; but I was in enough crappy relationships to know the difference. Friendship is important, but I was great friends with the others, too. What makes this different is that we have no illusions of control and place no expectations on the other – we completely respect each other as individuals and accept each other as we are, and trust and respect are key elements to that. Be cause of this, there is no bickering or arguing. We’ve only had one miscommunication tiff when we were in the process of moving into our new home almost 4 years ago. In my previous relationships conflict was the norm, so living peacefully is such a beautiful thing!

As for ‘doing what you’re told’ we playfully joke about those traditional stereotypes, but in reality, each of us will defer to the other when the issue is one about which they know or care more. We don’t have “jobs”, but like @JLeslie mentioned, we divvied up the laundry and dishes, because I detest dealing with dirty dishes but he doesn’t mind as much, and since I have more clothing that needs special care, it makes sense for me to handle that. Still, we each pitch in with both chores. This is where the communication comes in – we each are free to do whatever we want, but out of respect we keep a running dialogue of what’s going on and formulate “game plans” for handling whatever large or small tasks we are facing. We talk about everything and anything and we laugh all the time – ‘getting’ each other’s humor is highly valuable, as is letting the other laugh at their own jokes even when you don’t find it so funny!

@rojo I do get a kick out of that! Things aren’t really that bad between the wife and I, but there’s a basic honesty to that little parable. It is more than a stereotype when it comes to decisions reached between couples on matters of the “nest”. I’m trying to think of any long term couples in which it is the man who is trusted to make such decisions as color schemes . Women ALWAYS insist on their partner’s participation in such decisions, and become easily irritated with such responses as “whatever you think best, dear”. The girls seem to regard such talk as blowing them off. They would prefer to believe (and all of them will tell you) that they and their spouse arrived at this or that decision on the china pattern or living room couch together. The great good fortune for contented relationships lies in the fact that decisions on such matters RARELY rate the same level of angst that women are willing to devote to such things, and that’s a blessing. I know saying this is going to irritate a lot of the women here, but I stick by this observation. There are women out there who will admit to it. Their take is usually on the order of something like: “That man has hideous taste in everything. He can’t be trusted to make such decisions. The burden falls on me,and I’m forced to do it for his own good.” And they’re usually right!

My husband and I celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary this year. We are happy with our life together over the years.

I believe our happiness is due to three main points: complete trust, strong committment and willingness to adjust.

Even when there is disagreement and strife, we know that we truly love each other. We adjust to the changes in our circumstances, our health, and the world around us.