Social Question

cheebdragon's avatar

Would you be mad at your spouse?

Asked by cheebdragon (18931points) April 3rd, 2015

This morning I woke up and snapped at my boyfriend to stop touching me. I didn’t mean to do it and I instantly regretted snapping at him, but for some reason I just didn’t want to be moved or touched while I was sleeping this morning.
Now he is in a pissy mood, I said I was sorry but he’s still mad. Would you be upset with your spouse for their involuntary action while they were still half-asleep?

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39 Answers

LuckyGuy's avatar

I don’t think I’d be mad. I would be a little sad, however.
He was likely just being affectionate and it hurts if the feeling is not returned.

I’d get over it quickly.

Take this as a hint. It is likely he would very much like to be touched that way and would never dream of rejecting your advances.

tedibear's avatar

I wouldn’t be mad. I would be sad, disappointed, and wondering what I had done to cause that reaction. (Cause as in what had I done at some other time that caused the reaction. But that’s because I have issues.)

Blackberry's avatar

My ladies never had problems with me touching them. Was he trying to tickle you or just rub you? I’d be annoyed if I woke up to being tickled but not being rubbed or something.

Safie's avatar

Sounds like you certainly were in a snappy mood, i don’t have a problem with my man touching me i welcome it at any time…maybe something else is bothering you and you just took it out on him, just saying i don’t know but to snap like that instead of just say you’re not in the mood for him or just say you were feeling tired seems to me would have been better than just snapping at him like he did something wrong.

tedibear's avatar

@cheebdragon – I forgot to say that I don’t think not wanting to be touched is a bad thing. Sometimes we have “leave me alone ” moments and there is nothing wrong with that. I would apologize for snapping, tell him it was nothing to do with him (assuming that is true) and let it go. At that point, it is up to him how he wishes to handle a calm and rational apology.

cheebdragon's avatar

It was never a conscious thought that I wanted him to stop touching me, it was just feeling the movement of the bed, maybe I was trying to hang on to the dream I was having? All I know is that I wanted to sleep and to do that I needed the movement to stop immediately.

Probably didn’t help that I had only been asleep 3 hours at the most when everything happened.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@cheebdragon This will pass. But if he’s anything like me he will not try again until you make the first move.
Break the ice sooner rather than later. Don’t let it fester. Got it?

Do I sound like your grandfather? :-)

Dutchess_III's avatar

Was he trying to initiate sex? Men can get really pouty when you refuse.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I’ll add one more tidbit.
It is clear he was hurt by your comments/actions. Great! That means he is a nice guy. An insensitive jerk wouldn’t care. It looks like you got a good one.

Only you have the power to end the standoff. Do it. It’s more important than you realize. ;-)

I say that as an old guy peering through the lens of time at the marriages of many of my friends.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Sound more like he got angry at being rejected instead of understanding she just didn’t want to be touch. He’s in a pissy mood and even when she apologized he stayed mad. That’s not hurt, that’s selfish anger. Just the opposite of sensitive, IMO.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

He’s hurt. I realise you were still asleep and not intending to hurt him but his heart (and other parts of his body) are feeling rejected. I’d probably feel the same if my husband harshly pureed (autocorrected – i typed spurned) my advances in the morning. Perhaps leave him to lick his wounds and then give him a hug and see if he wants to pick up where he left off earlier.

cookieman's avatar

Depends. We talking about, “Mmm…please, stop touching me. ‘Kay?” ZZZZZZZ or, “Get your filthy fucking paws off of me!!”

Kardamom's avatar

My feelings would be hurt, I’d feel embarrassed and I’d feel self conscious, as if maybe I had been irritating my partner all along and it finally came to this. I probably wouldn’t initiate any touching in the near future. I’d be embarrassed and worried that I’d get snapped at again.

cheebdragon's avatar

@cookieman it was more like a “fucking stop it!.....Jesus Christ”....to which he said “fine!” And stormed out of the room while I was trying to say “Im sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I just didn’t want to be woken up”

Dutchess_III's avatar

Was he trying to initiate sex?

cheebdragon's avatar

Most likely.

I think I’m forgiven now, just a smidge of passive aggressiveness lingering in the air.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I can’t help but think that yes, I would be upset with him for acting like a baby!

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

Yes, I’d be mad at my husband if he spoke to me like that (at any time).

Dutchess_III's avatar

If, as he was waking up, he asked you to quit touching him? Especially if it’s involuntary, as many actions just was we’re woken up can be. I once fell asleep in front of the TV and my 6 year old came to tell me someone was at the door. I just reacted and whacked her upside the head with the remote. OMG I felt soooo bad. We joke about it today, but at the time it was horrible. I just reacted.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

If I said it the way @cheebdragon said yes, I’d expect him to be put out too. I don’t tell people to “fucking stop it!.....Jesus Christ” involuntarily. That’s a pretty harsh way to tell someone you don’t want to be touched. There have been (rare) occasions when I haven’t wanted to be bothered, but in 15 years I can’t remember telling him like that. I’ve been irritated and asked him to leave me alone, but never so aggressively.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Earthbound_Misfit That’s how I look at it. I don’t recall ever having someone say that to me or me saying that to someone else. Ever!

rojo's avatar

Yeah, I would be pissy for a while but would probably get over it by the time I got home from work.

rojo's avatar

Was he trying to initiate sex? duh. Is he still breathing?

jca's avatar

I’m a little late to this discussion but @cheebdragon, let the apologies end and let the make up sex begin. Hopefully by now he’s gotten over his anger and you’re on to redeeming yourself.

I can understand being tired but I’ve never spoken to anybody the way you did (in that type of scenario) and I could see why he was upset.

You have the whole weekend to make up and give him some special treatment! ;)

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, I guess I’d feel the same way @Earthbound_Misfit, if I hadn’t experienced the involuntary rush of anger that comes with being awakened when you aren’t ready. Since I have experienced it, however, and I totally sympathize with @cheeby. (Didn’t auto fill and I’m lazy today.) Nothing is more annoying than getting stroked and poked and prodded and people breathing in your ear when you aren’t ready to wake up.

cheebdragon's avatar

@Earthbound_Misfit & @LuckyGuy You’ve never told your spouse to “Fuck off” or said “Fuck you!” during an argument? Never ever?

Dutchess_III's avatar

I know you weren’t asking me, but I never have. Ever. My husband has said it to me, though. It’s nasty.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Never! I can’t imagine it – in either direction!
It seems so disrespectful I don’t know how people recover from it.
(We’d need a “Men In Black” memory eraser.)

cookieman's avatar

You’ve never told your spouse to “Fuck off” or said “Fuck you!” during an argument? Never ever?

We have (the wife and I) once or twice in twenty-five years. It’s really ugly though and takes time to recover from. It was vlearly us at our worst.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

We’ve both said nasty things to each other in arguments but this wasn’t in an argument. There was no build up to it. Out of the blue, you verbally abused him.

I’ve certainly been woken up by my partner making it clear they want to have sex, and there have been occasions when I’ve felt tired or unwell and it’s the last thing I’ve wanted. I’ve responded negatively and with irritation, but I’ve never reacted with such anger out of the blue. I’m a pretty fiery person but I“m also empathetic and polite. So yes I swear, but I have never, and can’t imagine ever, woken up swearing at anyone and especially not at the man I love.
While I agree with @luckyguy that it seems so disrespectful, I get this was an involuntary reaction. I just can’t ever see me feeling such anger at my husband, and reacting with such venom, purely because he tried to initiate sex when I was tired.

cheebdragon's avatar

You people and your normal loving and functional relationships….lol.
I’m pretty sure I’ve said “fuck you” to my bf for changing the channel or radio station.
“Hey! Fuck you, that was a good movie” or “Fuck off, I love that song”.

rojo's avatar

@cheebdragon know what you mean. I have and she has. Thing that is upsetting is being accused of treating her differently from my male friends and then her getting pissed off because I treated her like one of the guys. It is a fine line that even after all these years I have trouble seeing all the time.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

@cheebdragon, and I’ve said ‘fuck, off! I was listening to that station’ if my husband switches the radio station while we’re both listening and doesn’t ask if I’m okay with that. You were there and you know how you said what you said. He obviously didn’t feel it was as harmless as a casual ‘fuck off’ said almost jokingly during the course of the day. You clearly don’t think there’s a problem with what you said.

cheebdragon's avatar

I wouldn’t have apologized if I didn’t think I needed to, my point was that far worse things have been said between us, sometimes in anger and other times as a joke.
The way we communicate is different than most couples (My mom thinks it’s ridiculous) but even during our worst arguments, saying something like “Fuck you!” has never felt even remotely insulting.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Well? Did you make up yet? Or did he end up avoiding you for another night?

This will make me sound like an old fart again but I’ll say it anyway:
Some day you will miss it and regret letting any days pass without affection.

Kardamom's avatar

@cheebdragon I can’t imagine ever saying “Fuck Off” or having it said to me by my S/O. It would be devastating. It’s horribly disrespectful. It’s bad enough to say it to someone who is a total asshole, but to say it to your best friend or a loved one is just un-imaginable in my life.

trailsillustrated's avatar

^ same. If my bf said that to me I’d probably cry. I would never, ever say it to him. When I think of some of the things I said to my my ex husband I feel terrible . I would never, even in a bad argument, swear or say that.

jca's avatar

I’ve never been married but have never used that language with a boyfriend. If one ever used that language with me, and I stayed with him, I’d question my self esteem and ask myself why I put up with that, regardless of what the circumstances were.

cheebdragon's avatar

I can only think of 3 people in the world that I probably wouldn’t tell to fuck off.

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