General Question

ayodele_komolafe's avatar

Which do I pick?

Asked by ayodele_komolafe (57points) July 19th, 2015

Which is the best option? To just put up and roll with an introvert (core) on try to make him/her loosen up a bit? -Ayodele Komolafe

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12 Answers

cazzie's avatar

I think trying to change anyone is inherently a poor basis for a relationship, unless you are their paid therapist.

ayodele_komolafe's avatar

@cazzie… Ok I get your point. But can’t relationships change people? As in… People learn new stuffs, become a bit different from their “self” just becos of a friend in their lives? – Ayodele Komolafe

cazzie's avatar

Sure, but it shouldn’t be the basis of the relationship. If someone kept after me to try to loosen me up or get me to change things in my life I was happy with, it would just annoy me.

Zaku's avatar

I’m not sure exactly what the context is. Is this a friend or a lover, and what do you want or need from this person?

I think the answer has most to do with these answers. What do you want? Being an introvert isn’t a problem for introverts. Is it a problem for you to have a friend who is an introvert? Are you interested in working with who that person is, or not?

Trying to change someone, or wishing they were different, or seeing how they are as a problem, are all unlikely to be useful places to stand in a relationship. Yes people can change and adapt a bit, but I’d look at changing myself rather than trying to change others.

I’m more introverted than extroverted, and I have been in relationships with extroverted people. Even, really good relationships where we both changed and we both learned amazing things and it was mostly really superb. But I also had to put up with a lot of misunderstanding, including other extroverted people saying I wasn’t outgoing enough, etc. So I wouldn’t rule out relationships between opposite “verts”, but don’t make the other person wrong for being different, try to understand them and let them be the way they are, etc.

Judi's avatar

If he’s not ready the person you want him to be it’s not fair to him or you to expect him to be anything different.

cazzie's avatar

I think the key words are ‘put up with’. If you feel like you have to put up with something that bothers you enough that you want to change that person, then it isn’t a good sign, especially early on in the relationship. Or perhaps that is me in my old age. I’ve become intolerant because I have enough of my own stuff going on and I know that trying to change people to suit yourself doesn’t work.

Judi's avatar

Seriously what @cazzie said.
There are plenty of people out there. If you are “putting up with” someone, they are not the person that meets your needs. Figure out what you want in a relationship and find that person and free this person up to find someone who appreciates them exactly as they are. I’ve never heard of anyone successfully changing someone into the person they want them to be.

Buttonstc's avatar

There is an essential difference between changing something which may be an annoying habit and changing someones personality or way of being in the world.

And the bottom line is that the only person we have the power to change is our own self.

Trying to change someones basic personality is both annoying and insulting to that person. A lot of basic personality traits are inborn. Kids who are introverts will grow up to be introverted adults.

If they are highly motivated within THEMSELVES for some reason (perhaps a job they desire) to change, they can modify this tendency but they will still always be introverts at heart.

It’s how they feel comfortable being in the world. It’s their natural personality.

If you want something to change it would be a lot more helpful to work on why this personality of theirs is so aggravating that you constantly feel that you have to “put up with it.”

If you can’t manage to do that then how can you reasonably expect them to undergo an entire personality transplant just to suit you? I mean, really, just think about it for half a minute.

And if you find that you can’t change your reaction to them then just move on and find someone else with the personality traits you prefer. It’s a lot easier and more pleasant for both of you.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Laughs, the old joke was men hook up with women hoping they never change, women hook up with men hoping they can change them. Neither works. I’m me. What you see is what you get.

rojo's avatar

People do change and you can be an influence in that change. The other person has to want to change and has to be willing to accept help to change but if you cannot go into a relationship happy with the way the other person is then there is not much hope for that relationship.

Here2_4's avatar

I agree with those who say hoping to change someone from the start of a relationship is fraught with disaster. People do change and grow in a relationship, but that would pertain to hobbies, interests, opinions. Introversion is a personality type, and likely to change only from a major trauma. Now, unless you wish to be ever considered a major trauma, I would advise you to decide whether you want to be with this man as he is, or simply appreciate that he is a swell guy, and move along to another relationship.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Here2_4 Well said. Trauma isn’t usually fun.

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