General Question

01101101's avatar

My boyfriend wants to swing?

Asked by 01101101 (252points) January 1st, 2016

Hi, me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half. We’ve been through a lot of ups and downs mainly because of his self-issues because I used to have multiple sexual affairs in the past. He was a virgin when he met me and this affected our relationship so much that I also lost my self-worth and value. However, he grew up and got over it. We love each other so much and we plan on getting married soon.

Right now, he wants to explore things with me. He told me he wants to have a threesome with a friend or somebody we know. It bothers me because we used to have an issue about this kind of thing, and now he wants to explore. I think it’s a trap that would just lead the both of us into much much bigger fights, but I can also see he’s willing to do it. We’re young, (He’s 21, I’m 20) and I want him to experience new things because I’m afraid he’ll get bored of me soon, but I’m also scared that he might like it so much he would cheat on me with the girl we want to sleep with. I’d like to explore with him, too but I’m just so scared? I’ve been thinking a lot of “what ifs” although I’m willing to do it, too.

Do you have any tips about swinging and exploring new things with your partner? Would you please give me any tips? How can I trust my boyfriend that he is not gonna cheat on me after this? I’m new to these things.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

18 Answers

jca's avatar

My advice is very general. If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. If he’s a wonderful guy, and you have a discussion about it and explain how you feel, he should be understanding. If he’s not, then he’s not so wonderful and maybe even is not the guy for you.

Coloma's avatar

Clearly you have your doubts about this situation and you should not go through with something that makes you uncomfortable or allow yourself to feel/be pressured.
It sounds like the risk factor is high for BOTH of you, given the issues you have already shared, to have a less than ideal outcome. You are both very young, emotionally fragile and insecure, a triple recipe for disaster to begin with, let alone baiting all of these personal issues with something as volatile as group sex. I think it’s a set up for a lot of conflict personally.

gorillapaws's avatar

I don’t have a lot of personal experience, but from what I’ve read, these things can often ruin relationships. Trust yourself, listen to your instincts, and don’t cross any boundaries you’re not comfortable with. Best wishes.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

Two women and him or two men and you? If he gets one than you can get yours. Fair being fair and all.

Zaku's avatar

20–21 and planning on getting married soon, and thinking of swinging? I would say wait 6–8 years before getting married. And be very careful about sexuality and committed relationships – they can have very serious effects on your lives.

Seek's avatar

Three words: Safe, Sane, Consensual.

It’s a good mantra for life in general, not just sexual relationships.

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. If you don’t have that, you don’t have anything.

You should be able to safe-word out of anything. I have a group of friends, and many of us have past traumas, are on the autism spectrum, or are battling a mental illness of some kind. We have a constant safe word. If there’s a conversation going on that makes someone uncomfortable, or we’re doing something together and someone needs to nope out, they call the safe word, and we change the subject, or accommodate the person who needs to leave. No judgement, no pressure. And we’re all just friends.

Any good alternative relationship should have the same sort of safe word.

I say all that to say this:

Would the question of a threesome be met with your enthusiastic consent?

Are you turned on by the thought of your partner touching another person in a sexual manner?

Are you turned on by the thought of yourself touching someone other than your partner in a sexual manner?

if you were to say “yes”, if you were enthusiastically consenting to a threesome, and you track down your unicorn, and you’re all in the bedroom, and you need to nope out, could you call the safe word and feel confident that it would not be held against you?

If the answer to any of these is anything other than ” yes”, your relationship is not going to benefit from the addition of more sexual partners.

Seek's avatar

@Rarebear – that film rubbed me all sorts of the wrong way. Neither one of them was enthusiastically consenting.

The whole thing had the feeling of emotional blackmail.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Of all the things I could say, the short of it is PASS ON IT, if you really want to know why i say, then i will give it, but by your OP that is not what you want to know.

CWOTUS's avatar

Why don’t you pretend to go along with him – despite your obvious misgivings – and then, in an effort at “promoting” his idea, suggest that you know “just the MAN” who should be the third person in your bed.

Yeah, it’ll start a fight, but it’s a fight that you should have and get over with. Or just throw him out. He sounds like a loser to me.

Buttonstc's avatar

Going outside of a marriage (or committed relationship) is never a solution for anything and has the potential for destroying your relationship.

The only people I’ve heard of who benefit from more than the original two people in the relationship are those who are very very mature and secure in that original relationship.

From what you’ve written, that doesn’t sound like you two. Are you willing to risk your total relationship just to satisfy his curiosity?

Don’t allow him to manipulate you into doing something that you admittedly are uncomfortable about. Just don’t. There is really no good reason to and it has the potential to sabotage your entire relationship. Is the risk really worth it?

ibstubro's avatar

“He wants to explore things with me.”
“I’m willing to do it, too.”

You’re 20 and 21. If this is something you both want to do, then do it if you can find a mutually agreeable 3rd.
Either the relationship will weather it and be strengthened, or you’ll know that it would have ultimately been a mistake to marry.

Make sure your partner reads and understands, @Seek‘s post above. You should discuss it, openly. And soon. Perhaps the reality of what the two of you would be getting into will take some of the shine off off the adventure?

marinelife's avatar

The two of you are not ready for the commitment of marriage. You have sowed your wild oats and your partner has not. I think that marrying now would be doomed to be short-lived.

I think that you should tell him that you do not want to explore, because your relationship is not solid enough to withstand it.

Personally, I think that two of you should break up for a while during which he is free to explore his sexuality. Then if the two of you are meant to be you will get back together.

Rarebear's avatar

@seek that was the point.

Silence04's avatar

In my experience, swinging requires a lot of trust between you and your partner. Without a strong foundation of trust, emotions can easily go haywire.

chinchin31's avatar

Anyone that is into swinging is not marriage material

I suggest you break up with this guy and live on your own for a while.

You are 21.

This is the 21st century. Why in heaven’t name are you thinking of getting married.

Maybe you need to live on your own for a while as an adult.

IT is not a good idea to commit so soon in your life to someone after 18 years old.

Your early twenties are the first time your life that you live on your own away from your parents.

You should use this time to develop yourself as an adult and live independently for a while, travel , etc.

Don’t commit to anyone.

If I were you I would run.

You are just going to end up with emotional heartbreak.

You need to back away from this relationship for a while for you own good.

You do not sound like someone that is confident in relationships.

Leave that loser and find someone normal please.

IT is your life, your choice.

Most men are not into swinging. Find yourself a man. You are an adult now.

AdventureElephants's avatar

Geeze. So many long winded answers. Here’s the thing: you are so young. If you WANT to do it, aside from every other issue, then you pick someone you like and invite him. Don’t plan every fucking detail.

If you don’t, then that’s completely his issue. Don’t do something you have no interest in.

I’ve done it… The responses above don’t indicate that… I’m willing to share if you ask. Not everyone walks the 100% monogamous path. I’m still good friends with the stranger we chose and the significant other has long since hit the road. I have no regrets.

trailsillustrated's avatar

Run. He’s not sure about his sexuality which is fine, but you all are too young for this. Bad bad move. You’re too young to get married also. Just saying. Don’t ever do something you’re not sure about to keep or please a guy. Always choose the guy that is way into you. He wants to please you. He wouldn’t bring something like this up without having tried to find out where you are on it. Nope, nope.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther