General Question

cage's avatar

Have you ever been told you're to good for someone by that person?

Asked by cage (3125points) July 25th, 2008

i.e. you’re in a relationship, and the person says to you “you’re too good for me”
Now This has happened to me 3 times now, the first 2 resulting in nothing as I told them I didn’t care whether they we’re or not, even though I thought they were, and the third time resulted in the person saying “I should never speak to you again, I want you to forget about me, so you’ll never have to worry about me again.
I’m wanting to know if, anyone else has had this, if they’ve experienced it as many times as I have, and if it pisses you off as much as it does me!!! (I mean, it’s sorta flattering but “Can’t I just like you please!?!?”)

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43 Answers

dragonflyfaith's avatar

My husband tells me that everyday. But I think he’s too good for me. He treats me way better than I think I deserve.

jrpowell's avatar

That is just the polite way of saying, “Get the fuck out of my life.”

cage's avatar

@dragonflyfaith sounds like you have a nice balance there with your partner, but can you see it’s because he loves you, and you love him?

@johnpowell lmao, but no. I was in a year long relationship with the second girl who said it. In fact the first two said it right at the start of the relationships :) so, maybe for the third, but no, generally not.

Dog's avatar

I agree with Johnpowell- It is a brushoff. A dishonest one at that. Even if the relationship does not end it is like an emergency exit has been established.

cage's avatar

well, if it is a brush off, then yeah, I’;d love to meet a girl who is actually honest and says to me “I don’t like you”

because when you look at it in the way that you two (john et dog) are looking at it, then I am actually too good for them, coz at least I’m honest and nice to their face :P lol

dragonflyfaith's avatar

That seems like a crappy way of breaking up with someone. I think I misunderstood the question the first go round, sorry!

b's avatar

Yes, and I was.

cage's avatar

@dragonflyfaith no no no, I DID want to know the way you described too, I’m not just on about breakups at all. Just in relationships, and then how it makes you feel when they tell it you.

Dog's avatar

So I suppose that the question is what does the phrase “You are too good for me” mean:
Does it mean she likes “bad boys” and you are not one?
Or does it mean that you are Donny Osmond good?
Or does it mean you are boring and she seeks excitement?
Or does she honestly have a self esteem issue and thinks that she deserves scum?

I find the statement “You are too good for me” to be far too vague and deceptive.

Just throwing out thoughts.

dragonflyfaith's avatar

Well in that case it makes me feel a little uncomfortable, even when my husband says, I mean how do you respond to that statement? I mean, is he complimenting me or insulting himself? It’s tricky.

btko's avatar

One girl said it to me, but I think she was telling the truth, good thing listened. o.o

cage's avatar

@Dog, well I doubt it that I’m too good Donny Osmond wise since I know a lot of girls in my friendship group get pissed off about my sexual behavior… too loud, I’m not exactly a bad boy, but does that mean all 3 of the girls I’m talking about like bad boys (no, because they’ve all had nice boyfriends before and after me) don’t think it’s the excitement issue either since I’m a very outgoing guy.
the only one that may make sense to me is that they have a self-esteem issue. I could tell you why that makes sense, but that would be me telling you things you don’t / shouldn’t know. But thanks for all the suggestions anyway!

Dog's avatar

@dragonflyfaith The dynamic of dating vs. a committed relationship is not what cage is referring to- if a spouse says it then they are being affectionate. When a date says it there are other motives.

@cage- sorry- was not literally meaning you. I was referring to my experience and was not general enough.

It is just that like you I have been told this and it is frustratingly vague. I would love to know what they REALLY meant by it when it was said to ME. Not what your specific girl meant when she told you.

In truth I do not think that there is anything wrong with any of us who have heard this line. Perhaps it is just their way of saying things are not clicking magically in the relationship on their side. Who knows.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

sucks to be brushed off like that….
May it be the truth or not.

Regardless of how sincere, its normally BS.

girlofscience's avatar

@johnpowell: My boyfriend says that to me a lot, and he’s definitely doesn’t want to break up with me. Why do you think it’s a polite way to say “get the fuck out of my life”?

jrpowell's avatar

It depends on the tone. It is easy to tell if it is said in a loving way. If you have to ask the Internet it is probably a bad thing. I have said it tons of times. Like I am cuddling a girl and I will say, “I don’t deserve you.” Or something like that. That is clearly a nice thing.

It sounds like his experiences with the phrase is under slightly different circumstances.

girlofscience's avatar

@johnpowell: Understood. You have 7 7 7 7 points!

Dog's avatar

Not any more. JP- great answer.

dragonflyfaith's avatar

@johnpowell Do you feel lucky? Oh don’t ruin it!

dragonflyfaith's avatar

Oh well…It couldn’t last forever.

tinyfaery's avatar

My wife is constantly telling me she doesn’t deserve me, then I counter back with, “no, I don’t” deserve you. Sick, huh?

If this is a reoccurring theme, you might want to look into why it keeps happening to you. Are you a rescuer? Do you choose girls that are not in your “social bracket”? Do you subconsciously choose women that are unavailable in some way? Patterns usually refer to something about us, not the other people.

jasonjackson's avatar

@tinyfaery: very insightful! I was going to post something similar, but you not only beat me to it, you put it all more clearly than I would have.

@cage, I suspect tinyfaery is onto something significant. I’m guessing that the girls who’ve told you you’re too good for them meant it, and were maybe trying in their own way to avoid hurting what they felt was “a really nice good-hearted guy” with their own unresolved issues.

Of course, I’m basing that guess partly on some of my own past experiences.. having had a personal history of being kind of drawn to girls who didn’t really have their lives together, myself. Like, they provided some excitement & glamor to my life, while I in turn provided a bit of stability & sanity for them.

On the plus side.. while every such relationship ultimately ended poorly for me, I did in the meantime get to date much more attractive girls than I would have, had I been more interested in sanity and less drawn to the “crazy/hot” ones. :) I’m happy to have discovered the pattern and started correcting it now, but it gave some real flavor to my 20s. ;-)

wildflower's avatar

I think it’s either a twist on the old favorite “it’s not you, it’s me” or these girls had some serious issues and self-destructive behaviors that genuinely made them feel they didn’t deserve someone who’s good to them.
In either case, I also agree with tiny, you should look at your pattern and consider why you’re attracted to girls with these traits.

cage's avatar

@ John “It sounds like his experiences with the phrase is under slightly different circumstances.” – lol I’ve already explained the first two weren’t and maybe the third one was. Read up :)

@tinyfaery, could you explain more, because this sounds really interesting and quite along the right lines after knowing about the girls social backgrounds and personal lives. What is it you mean by “social bracket” ?

@jasonjackson, interestingly multiple guys have told me the girls I go for always are really hot (which they are), but they can be a bit loopy. lol

thanks for all the convo on this guys, it’s really nice and interesting to hear.

Zaku's avatar

Mmm. Having seen this a little in myself, one possibility that comes to mind is that maybe what was going on was I had a concern of falling in love and getting hurt/dumped, so I tended to select or work to create a relationship where the woman admired me or thought me superior as if that would make her very committed so I wouldn’t have to worry about being left. That approach can select people you aren’t satisfied with, who think lowly of themselves, who are crazy to be with you at all costs, and/or turn people off or seem weird or controlling, which may lead to “you’re too good for me; you should find someone better.” But those are just some random views and idle conjecture. Maybe useful to look at, maybe not. Look to the people, more than analyzing ideas – overthinking the ideas instead of relating to people is perhaps a better place to look – it certainly has proven so for me.

mcbealer's avatar

yeah, the crazies are the ones who have used that line

baseballnut's avatar

I think this is a more self-serving version of “It’s my fault – it’s not your fault!” or a way to quickly end the relationship without a lot of discussion.

It sounds like a way to attempt to let you down more easily and avoid authentic dialogue that might be painful to both parties. It’s not particularly helpful and it doesn’t sound like it’s making it easier for you.

You mentioned that all three women were hot but loopy. Maybe it would make sense to do a little more analysis around what they all have in common or whether each relationship followed the same path. Maybe you’re choosing the wrong girl over and over – or maybe you choose well but execute poorly.

Good luck! At least you’re willing to shine the bright light on yourself and learn

Robyn's avatar

Basically anyone i have ever flirted with or been in a relationship with has admitted to me that they find that they are “Below me” or “I am too good for them” or ask me “Why are you with me?”
It’s extremely annoying…and just like the Original creator of this question.
I Want to know why people say these things.

wildflower's avatar

There is of course the possibility that they’re being sarcastic…..sometimes you come across people that you know won’t listen to anyone else’s opinion and the best you can make of such a situation is ridicule them by overindulging their self-absorbedness (if that’s even a word).

Zaku's avatar

Robyn, I expect that mean’s you’re an attractive woman, and that’s a very typical male reaction to attractive women.

cage's avatar

@wildflower, oh yeah, wait I forgot I was self absorbed. Easy to forget with all the staring in the mirror I do.

wildflower's avatar

@cage; I did say “possibility” – obviously you’re very open and prepared to explore such….

cage's avatar

@wildflower, sorry didn’t understand that, I can’t tell if you’re still trying to insult me or not.

clearly not on your intellectual level.

wildflower's avatar

Don’t worry about it cage. Besides, my previous post was inspired more by Robyn’s post than by your original question.
Still think you need to consider that it may just be a twist on “it’s not you, it’s me”. It could also be that they felt your ego was somewhat overpowering and instead of confronting it, just went along with it – or they had deep psychological issues…..
Whatever the reason, I’m sure they weren’t great matches for you and you’d be doing yourself a favor by looking more in to what attracts you to women.

cage's avatar

@wildflower… well FYI, she is still following me round like a puppy, so I dunno, I doubt it that she was trying to get ird of me.

but yes, you’re right in that I should look further into why I seem to be attracted to these women.

DevilDiva's avatar

My lover and I tell each other that all the time. We’re not doing it for a brush-off. I tell him because he really is too good to be true. He is a very caring, sweet, and wonderful individual. He is my best friend. If I’m not interested, he’ll just cuddle with me. I love him a lot. He is a good person. When I’m around him, he makes me calmer.

punkrockworld's avatar

I agree with Johnpowell too. Cause if that’s how they really feel than they should feel grateful to have you in their lives in stead of making it seem like its a bad thing.

sundayBastard's avatar

I agree with johnpowell. LOL

beccalynnx's avatar

we both say it about eachother. it’s becaue we have both realized that we are two nasty little humans.

somedayGuy's avatar

No I’m not that lucky.

Jack79's avatar

yes, several times, and most of them meant “ok, you’ve got all the right qualifications, and you seem to be a really nice guy, but I’m just looking for that evil bastard that will bash me around and then rape me right now”

I have also been told that by girls who really meant it and really loved me. And in that case it was flattering of course.

lovelace's avatar

uh yea! it happened to me once but the person turned out to be a whore so i figured out that that was why i was too good. people know when you’re a good person and if they know they suck, their conscience starts saying “you know you’re trash, don’t hurt anybody with your bull”. i’d say HEAR them and move on. someone will come along who can appreciate a good person.

Lorenita's avatar

Yeah..many times, I like bad boys, so… it’s just the way it is

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