General Question

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

My friend is bitter about my happy relationship. What would you do?

Asked by LeavesNoTrace (5677points) April 25th, 2016

This question has a longer backstory for context so you can skip to the ”——” down the page if you want to get to the “meat” of what I’m asking. However, I suggest you at least skim the backstory so you are better equipped the chime in. Thanks, Jellies.

I have a close friend of 15+ years who I have been close to since childhood. We grew up in the same small town and have stayed close throughout high school, college and now into our late 20s. We also have many friends in common, and we all spend time together several times a year despite living in different cities.

Interestingly enough we have gone through some similar tragedies. We both lost a beloved parent young (her father was a victim of suicide which compounded the tragedy), and both of us have cut contact with our abusive surviving parents. She is kind of a nervous, high-strung person by nature who has battled anxiety and depression for years. She also has had a lot heartache and disappointment with men which seems to contribute to her depression and loneliness.

Over the past 4–5 years, she has been particularly lovelorn and went through a string of “Mr. Wrongs”. She also confided that despite not being able to find a boyfriend (which she desperately wants), that she’s had sex with over 40 guys (and climbing) since college and has done some high-risk things like orgies etc. I was very worried when she told me this because I care about her and don’t want harm to come to her.

Not to mention that every time she sleeps with a guy, and he doesn’t return her feelings, it sends her into a tailspin of low self-esteem, depression, and even suicidal thoughts, which is alarming, to say the least.

In my earlier twenties, I also had a couple of ups and downs with men, including a relationship that turned mentally and sexually abusive when my mom died. But I moved on from that and for the past, nearly two years have been in a healthy, loving relationship with a stable partner.

My friend was a little bit bitter when I started seeing someone, and she said she was just “concerned” because she didn’t want to see me get hurt. But she also insinuated that because I had been in an abusive relationship in the past that no decent guy would want me and that I “attract abusers”. I sensed that maybe she was jealous, but I brushed it off.

Over time, she got to know my boyfriend and came to like him and could acknowledge that he’s a good guy and good for me. We’ve visited her several times, and she’s visited us and we’ve had a very good time.

However, when I confided in her that he and I were considering taking the next steps in our relationship, she reacted very negatively. Made some comments about “throwing my life away” and ending up “barefoot and pregnant.”

Once again, I brushed off her reaction and tried to move on.
———-
This weekend I went to visit her by myself and we had an incident.

We went to a bar and the owner (a prominent restauranteur in her city) came over and was trying to hit on me. I rebuffed his advances but he didn’t take the hint. Then his hand started going up my skirt and I told him in no uncertain terms that I have a boyfriend to take his damned hands off of me.

I was sober but my friend was drunk and told me that I had embarrassed this “important” man and that I need to “stop being a prude and go with the flow”. I told her that I was uncomfortable and I didn’t want to be touched that way. Full stop.

She proceeds to get drunker until she’s stumbling over her shoes and making moves like she’s fixing to go home with one of the random weirdos who was creeping on us. My other sober friend was also uncomfortable and concerned about her so we threw her in a cab and brought her back to her house, where I was left with her, alone.

My drunk and high friend then proceeds to verbally abuse me, insult my relationship, my career, everything. She made unfair comparisons between her life and mine saying that “had an important career” and that all I care about is my relationship and marriage and babies and that I was setting myself up for failure. (not true.)

I don’t have the energy to type out every sh*tty thing she said, but it was hurtful and unnecessary.

The night culminated with her crying and chain-smoking in the bathtub about how unhappy she is and me making a hasty exit the next morning to avoid any more confrontation.

I was very upset and I confided my experience in my partner who also is very upset that my friend disrespected me and direspected our relationship by 1) encouraging me to step out on my partner by saying that I should allow myself to be groped by random men and 2) insinuating that me marrying him would be a step back in my life, amongst other garbage she said in her diatribe.

I’m at a loss, Jellies. I love my friend and I thought she was doing better but it’s apparent she has issues. Is there any way that I can preserve our friendship, preserve my relationship and preserve myself?

I’m heartbroken.

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19 Answers

johnpowell's avatar

We went to a bar and the owner (a prominent restauranteur in her city) came over and was trying to hit on me. I rebuffed his advances but he didn’t take the hint. Then his hand started going up my skirt and I told him in no uncertain terms that I have a boyfriend to take his damned hands off of me.

I was sober but my friend was drunk and told me that I had embarrassed this “important” man and that I need to “stop being a prude and go with the flow”. I told her that I was uncomfortable and I didn’t want to be touched that way. Full stop.

Your friend is a fucking idiot.

edit :: and to clarify… My sister has 15 year old twin girls. I would die for them. If someone gave them the advice you were given I would beat the shit out of them.

zenvelo's avatar

Your “friend” is not your friend, she is a parasite.

A friend does not encourage one to be a victim of sexual assault, A friend does not belittle one for having a healthy relationship.

Speak to her when she is sober, and tell her that given all that she expressed to you, she obviously does not want you as a friend, and you will no longer be in her life.

If you still want the possibility of her in your life, and if she wants to renew a friendship with you,tell her to not contact you until she has at least ninety days clean and sober.

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

@johnpowell I agree 100%. My friend knows that I have been a victim of sexual assault in the past and that I am still traumatized by it. Because of this, I am very on-guard with men. I’m also 100% committed to my partner and have no desire to break that bond with an indiscretion.

@zenvelo It breaks my heart that you may be right. I can’t even tell you how much it does. This girl and I were having sleepovers from the time we were 12 and have gone through so much together. She is like a sister to me, but it’s so hard to deal with her when she acts like this, not to mention it takes a toll on both our friendship and my relationship with my partner. Since I confided this in him, I know he’ll be uneasy about me spending time with her.

Also, she’s not a regular drug and alcohol user, so I don’t think this is an addiction problem. It’s a problem with her maybe just being an a**hole.

janbb's avatar

You seem to have a number of not very good friends who envy you. They are not real friends. I wonder why you persist in hanging out with them.

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

@janbb

She is just one of two I’ve had issues with. It’s tough because we have been close for most of our lives and share a number of other close friends. We have a lot of great, funny, warm experiences together but when she acts like this, it’s very hurtful.

Luckily my other friends have been more supportive.

chyna's avatar

She is not your friend. If she hasn’t called to apologize by now she doesn’t care about you.

canidmajor's avatar

Is it this friend?

canidmajor's avatar

Did you call her on it then? If it’s a few months later, and you haven’t said anything about how that attitude bothered you, she may not realize that she’s doing this. If you have mentioned it to her, and she still does this, you may need to give her an ultimatum, either change her ‘tude or take it somewhere else. I know that that is hard, but this clearly bothers you a lot, it is up to you to let her know it’s not OK.

Personally, I would write her a note. Not because I would be a coward, but because I wouldn’t be interrupted, and I could say what I needed to, and revise, and edit, and be kind in the final draft. You have already expressed in both of these threads that you think she’s being “silly” and “bitter”, I would recommend leaving those perceptions out of any interaction.

canidmajor's avatar

Just saw your link in the details. Sorry.

janbb's avatar

I had the impression from your thread about cynicism about romance and the one about telling people of your marriage plans that you had a number of friends that you consider unhappy with you or how you present yourself.

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

@janbb

The other thread was inspired by an interaction with this friend but also by how society seems to be increasingly cynical about the success of long-term relationships.

janbb's avatar

Having read the details fully now, I would write a letter to this friend, listing the ways in which she is hurting herself in your perception and saying you need to distance yours elf from her until she is on firmer ground. I would reiterate your love for her and the history you share but say you cannot be with her until she gets some help. You are not doing either of you any good.

CWOTUS's avatar

First off, let’s get the term correct to describe her feeling: Unless she’s also in love with your partner, and has some kind of claim on him, what she feels is “envy”, not “jealousy”. I’m not just being my normal pedantic self in pointing this out; the difference is important to an understanding of the feeling. Compare and contrast “envy” and “jealousy” in a dictionary to understand what I’m saying.

Aside from that… even for those of us who believe fully and confidently in the concept of “free will”, sometimes our life’s string of choices freely made lands us in places that seem a lot like destiny or fate, because our choices can lead us into blind alleys and traps from which there is no escape – or at least it seems that way. (That’s another thing about ideas that we live with: sometimes it seems like they cannot possibly be changed.)

If you can discuss this concept with your erstwhile friend (let’s not give up just yet, shall we?) sometime when she’s rational, sober and receptive to a frank discussion of her choices that have led her to where she is, irrespective of the choices that you’ve made, and both of you from comparable bases, then try to do that. You may then be able to describe, demonstrate or exhort her to “make different choices”. There’s no absolute trap until she slips the noose over her head and prepares to kick over the chair that she’s standing on, y’dig? (You may not want to use such blunt words with her if she has that kind of thought in her own mind. But you should realize that this is where she’s headed, however slowly.)

She may feel as though she has hit rock bottom in terms of relationships, self-esteem and lack of choices left for her future – but she still has you, apparently, and if she will make new choices, then she can make new choices. And if she won’t, then she can’t, and you will need to leave her, in the same way that you would not permit her to put the noose around your neck when she puts it around her own.

In a very real sense, at some point it becomes impossible to “save people” from the consequences of their choices. If one of her choices is to destroy you or your relationship on her way down, then I hope that you will choose a path of self-preservation and… let her go, in the knowledge that you cared, you tried, and you did the best that you could. Good luck to you – and to her.

Coloma's avatar

Yes, it may be time to let her go, and, if it’s any consolation, I experienced the reverse of this situation with almost exactly the same details you share, except, my ex friend of 15 years was a relationship addict and was constantly harassing me because I was choosing to not pursue relationship after a long term divorce and enjoying my space and freedom. She was always telling me that I was just afraid of taking another chance, that she didn’t believe I was really okay without a relationship, ( lots of projection, clearly ) and seemed to feel very threatened that I was perfectly content and very happy without a man in my life. She went from a 2nd marriage of 17 years, right into a new relationship and husband number # 2 was an overlap before she had even left husband number #1 and new 5 year boyfriend relationship was an overlap before leaving husband #2. haha
She broke up with the boyfriend after 5 years when he wouldn’t marry her, despite the fact he had told her all along that he was not re-marriage minded after a divorce of his own.

It got to the point where she was downright hostile every time I told her that I was happy being single and that maybe she needed to take a break from her obsessive pursuit of relationship and work on herself. I finally cut contact with her about 5 years ago now and found out she married again last fall after remaining true to her lifelong pattern of wrangling up a new guy as fast as she could. I wish her well but I do not miss her insecurities and envious and projecting ways at all. Just like your friend is exhibiting extreme jealously and negativity about your happiness, mine was doing the same, only in reverse, jealous that I could be happy single when being single was her worst nightmare and needed to rain on my happy singles parade.

Close the umbrella on this toxic non-friend.

Judi's avatar

It sounds like her depresdion has led to a drinking problem. Until she deals with the drinking and the depression there is no reasoning with her.
All you can really do is advise her to get help either from counseling or a 12 step program or both.
Since you told your boyfriend about this it will create tension in your relationship if you ever spend time alone with her again unless she turns her life around. You can’t do that for her.

Antman's avatar

If they’re bitter, they don’t seem much like a friend.

Inspired_2write's avatar

What can you do?
Stop going to the bar ( her weakness).
Only have healthy relationships where you are appreciated and respected for your choice of partner etc
Do not involve your partner in what your drunk friend said about him etc..that is inviting greater problems for you and possible cause a breakup?
Keep your boundaries and you were right to enforce them.

Sometimes to get someone “give in” they use intimidation..put downs etc
Stay away from ‘so called” friends like her.
She is depressed because she is unhappy in her choices or lack of choices, and because of that unhappiness to follow her goals successfully she knocks down others to her level to feel good about herself. Stay away from her , maintain your life and set more boundaries.
Who needs so called friends like that causing problems for you. Move on.

jca's avatar

I would limit my time with her. I’d also not take everything she said the night she was drunk as gospel, as she was drunk. I try not to hang out with people who get drunk like that, but even so, I would take what she said that night with a grain of salt.

I’d limit my time with her to coffee shops and maybe an occasional movie or walk in the park. Keep it light, keep it simple, and depending on her behavior, I’d adjust my time with her accordingly.

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