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Heather13's avatar

Why would a mom be thoughtless towards her adult children?

Asked by Heather13 (495points) June 8th, 2016

My mother is something else.
I come home from work 11:30 pm after being sick for three days now. I was allowed to work without interacting with anyone. And she waits up for me to flat iron her hair. I told her I am sick. She is insisted. And begins to criticize my weight and ask me if I went to the gym. I told her I am sick and could not go to the gym. She has known this. The strange thing is, she asked me how I felt when I walked in the door. I told her I was still sick and she got concerned that I wouldnt be able to do her hair. Now she’s upset. I just went to bed after she asked my to had her the flat iron. What makes my mom act this way all the time, and expecting me to cook all the time? She is not helpless.

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18 Answers

johnpowell's avatar

This sounds horrible and I sympathize.

However, you are better off thinking about how to get the fuck out instead of trying to diagnose her issues.

JLeslie's avatar

I guess she wants to do her thing. I assume she didn’t think you were very sick.

A lot of women hit their late 40’s and 50’s and realize they were slaves to their kids and husbands for over 20 years, and now they are going to do whatever they want.

zenvelo's avatar

Sounds like things haven’t changed since you asked about your emotional mom last August. Listen to @johnpowell, time to work on an exit strategy.

Your mom is a self centered harridan. Time to get out while you are sane.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Hope you feel better. Sorry you’re dealing with trouble.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Be careful. It may be creating you into Codependent.

I’m not here to diagnose. Don’t tempt yourself into diagnosing. But you can read about the diagnostic indicators. These disorders are presented on a spectrum, so there are many levels. We all have a little narcissist in us. Some more than others. We’re all a little co-dependent. Some more than others.

Be careful calling someone a narcissist. That word won’t affect a healthy person at all. But it will enrage a narcissist to be called a narcissist. You should be satisfied just knowing, and not casting labels. It’s not something to hate. It’s a sickness.

Be kind to sick people. Isn’t that the point of your post?

Value your time with parents. They won’t always be around.

AshlynM's avatar

Maybe she just expects you to take care of her. If it really bothers you, try having a heart to heart with her. If you can’t, maybe you should move out.

LornaLove's avatar

There could be many reasons why. I agree with @RealEyesRealizeRealLies though. Someone who lacks empathy, genuine sympathy, egocentric, etc.,

They don’t mean to be like that and are unaware that they are.Just put up some kindly boundaries and look for your own space to live in.

jca's avatar

She either didn’t comprehend that you were as sick as you were or she’s selfish.

How old are you? Is it possible for you to save money and move out?

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

You need to get your own place and preferrably not too close. Just far enough to make visiting inconvenient.

Heather13's avatar

She wants me to save money to help her buy a house. Saying ita gonna be my house, but that she’ll live in it too.

jca's avatar

@Heather13: It sounds like she’s not a pleasant person, although there’s little information to go by. If she’s not a pleasant person, do you want to spend your life with someone demanding and selfish just because it may save you money? Only you know the answer to that – you have to decide if it’s worth it for you.

Also, I would think you would want to have privacy and maybe if you get into a long term relationship, you may not want your mother around and your partner may not want that, either.

I think for most people (not all, but most), growing up means becoming independent of one’s parents, financially, emotionally, physically.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Heather, that’s a red flag. I know she is your mother but if she is otherwise healthy and sentient you have to live your life. I’m sorry you are in this situation.

ibstubro's avatar

Do you know your grandmother? Your mother’s mother?
Someone has spoiled your mother beyond all reason. If it’s something passed down by the women in your family to their daughters, you need to try to get the hell away from living under your mother’s thumb asap. Break the cycle before you wake up one day and realize you have a daughter who’s life you’re making a living hell.

By all means, save every dime you can lay hands on with the goal of getting your own place.
Does your mother drink, by chance?

JLeslie's avatar

@Heather13 Is your mom born and raised in America? Are you in America?

Heather13's avatar

My mom says she was badly treated as a child. She met her mom at age 12, whom she says was harsh to her and her sisters, and kicked her out st age 18. They eventually had a better relationship the past 3 years. I knew my grandmother to an extent. Similar demanding personality. She recently passed away. My great grandmother had the opposite personality.My grandmother and mother are the only women that is like this. She’s not a drunk nor has any drug abusive ways. Strick disciplinarian.

No. But we live in the US for many years now. Don’t think its a culture thing. She keeps showing me things that indicates I have a responsibility to take care of her as she ages. She is married, and does not have a good marriage with my stepdad. Who is not a great husband to her either.

JLeslie's avatar

@Heather13 Well, I ask if she’s American, because it does sound like an “old world” attitude. Not that we can’t find an American who is like your mom, but I think it’s much easier to find someone who isn’t American who is like your mom. My paternal grandmother didn’t want my dad to go to college. She wanted a new sofa and thought he should be working to help her in the house. My grandmother actually was born in the US (her parents were immigrants from Easter Europe) but her environment was quite sheltered and it was different 90 years ago. There wasn’t TV and media and modernization like there is today.

My MIL, who is Mexican, expected her children to live with her until they married. Her first born son lived at home until his mid thirties. Two coworkers of mine in the past who were Indian expected to help their families financially when they started working, and to continue to listen to their parents desires and recommendations even once they were married. Like their parents were more influential in their life than their own spouse, and making decisions with their own spouse.

I think it is partly cultural, and possibly family norms. Did your mom’s mom expect the same from her?

Also, when your mom is sick does she keep working? Doing housework? Caring for the family? I’m not assuming here, I’m asking. If not, then maybe she is totally self centered and selfish. If she keeps on going even when she feels crappy, then maybe she just expects the same from you.

No matter what, she seems dismissive of you, which I think is bad. She doesn’t take your needs seriously enough it seems.

marinelife's avatar

Welcome to Fluther. You don’t say how old you are. Is it necessary for you to till live at home? Perhaps moving out and putting a little distance from your mom would help.

si3tech's avatar

I think, regardless of length of time here in USA she could still have “old world attitude”.

MollyMcGuire's avatar

Why are you still in her house? Time to adult…......................move!

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