General Question

Lonelyheart807's avatar

Why does my family just think they can take over my life?

Asked by Lonelyheart807 (1395points) 1 month ago

My dad has been in long-term care for about a month now. My mom is in the house by herself at the age of 80 years old. I will be moving in with her in two months time when my lease runs up but meanwhile I have so much stuff to do and getting ready to move that I am just physically worn out every day. Now my mom just had a a fall the other day and is in the hospital. She has no broken bones or other injuries but they’re going to keep her for a few days for observation. The rest of my siblings have decided that they are worried, as am I, about when she comes home again to an empty house. The siblings have decided that I should move in with her earlier. The problem is I’m nowhere near ready to do that for a ton of reasons. I don’t want my mom to be alone in the meanwhile but at any rate I work two part-time jobs so I wouldn’t be home throughout the day either way. We are looking at getting her a Life Alert but they think that that won’t be enough and they’re probably right. All the same I cannot put my poor health in jeopardy from trying to pack everything up in two days time and be ready to move. Why do they think that they can all just dictate to me what to do instead of everybody chipping in to help with the situation? I know I am the only unmarried sibling and I guess they figured that’s why I should be the one to turn my life upside down. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom. I just can’t make things happen overnight nor do I have the money or resources even if I could magically finish packing up in no time flat.

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17 Answers

YARNLADY's avatar

We have a moving day coming up this weekend for our disabled grandmother and elderly great-gandmother, so I sympathize. Our whole family is getting together to go in and move them.
You need to be clear with your family that they must help!

Lonelyheart807's avatar

I agree. They are going to have to help with the physical work and the extra expenses. I am basically living at the poverty level, and had moving expenses budgeted for two months from now, but don’t have that money right now.
Even with all that, I have to take my own health into consideration. I have high blood pressure that is fairly resistant to medication and a heart condition. It won’t do anybody any good if I get moved in then have a heart attack from stress and exhaustion.
Also, I am moving from a two bedroom apartment to basically two bedrooms in which to have furniture, etc. That doesn’t happen overnight. I have tons of stuff to go through, and don’t want my family just coming over and throwing everything in boxes.

rojo's avatar

Tell them that each of you needs to take turns over there (a week at a time) until you are ready to move in permanently. No excuses. They will all have wonderful reasons why they are unable to help out. Then ask how they can expect you to jump through hoops while they themselves are not willing to. Either that, or ask for a large sum of cash from each for every day you are there before your planned move in date. That ain’t gonna happen either.

It always amazes me how easy people think it is for others to accommodate them but how difficult they see doing the same for you.

Patty_Melt's avatar

Tell them you have your share scheduled and budgeted, and any concerns they have beyond that should be dealt with by them. It may sound harsh, but similar to Newton’s law, you must exact your stance to the amount of pressure you are receiving.

I have seen commercials for an alert button which detects falls and activates automatically, even if the wearer is unable to respond.
I’m afraid I can’t remember the brand. @Anybody?

You can do only what is within your personal limitations, and nothing more. Don’t let siblings press you into making a mess of your well laid plans.
And, I wish you well. You have put yourself in for a rough go.

Lonelyheart807's avatar

It’s Life Alert. We are getting that too, but they say someone needs to be there.

imrainmaker's avatar

They don’t and you shouldn’t allow them to jeapordize your life. Being unmarried can’t be the reason for anyone to assume you don’t have your priorities set. You need to take tough stance on this and let your siblings know they’ll have to chip in. Since you haven’t taken it up as yet it seems you are someone who doesn’t like to hurt others. You can tell the same thing in different ways like the issue you’ll face due to which it can end up in jeapordizing your own health etc.

janbb's avatar

Because you haven’t told them they can’t.

imrainmaker's avatar

^You have summed up in one sentence..)

KNOWITALL's avatar

People tend to freak out after a scare, let things simmer down and see what mom wants and needs. Just like they had to let us go as adults, we have to respect their wishes above any of ours. If she wants help, she should be a partipant in what that entails as long as she’s mentally capable. Talk to mom.

LadyMarissa's avatar

I use Mobile Help. Even when I’m away from home I can get help in an emergency. I fall in the bath tub I can get help right away. The family can give them who to contact in order preferred with 911 being the first on the list. That info can be changed as necessary. It costs only $40/month with discounts for annual rates. Once you’re there say you need to go to the grocery store & there’s an emergency while you’re gone, your cell should be the first contact after 911 so you know to go home or to the hospital. If she has a medical condition, they will be aware & be able to fill in the 911 operator to her special needs.

Suggest that the family hire a sitter until you can get there. Then tell them the day, date & time you will arrive. Either that or each child take an equal amount of days until your arrival. Remind them that you are already uprooting your life to take care of your Mom & there is NO way that you can get there before the date you give them. Or, if they don’t like that, suggest that Mom should stay at each child’s house for a month or so at a time. Just don’t let them bully you because they will NEVER stop bullying you!!! Everything is simple & easy UNTIL you inconvenience them!!!

Lonelyheart807's avatar

Even once I get moved, I have a job and a life. I work 27 hours a week, and am involved in my church. I won’t be there all the time.

LadyMarissa's avatar

Then you definitely need to check into the Mobile Help system. If Mom wanders out of the house & falls, she can still get help. If 911 isn’t required, then you might receive a call saying you need to go home to assist her. Better than having her lay there for hours until you get home.later.

Patty_Melt's avatar

@LadyMarissa, great info!
I have considered checking out the various alert services for myself. The details you shared here makes a big dent in my research for the best choice.

JLeslie's avatar

Take turns with your siblings or hire someone to check in on her and help do some chores and errands and get the life alert.

Another idea, have her move in with your siblings for a few weeks if they can’t make it to her house.

Or, just sleepover her place a few nights a week for now.

If they can’t or won’t take turns, well it’s very common for the bulk of the burden to fall on one child.

Have you checked to see if Medicare will pay to keep her in some sort of facility a few weeks?

Even when you move in with her I think you will need some help coming to the house in addition to you. You work. Have someone clean once a week or assist your mom or something to help you.

You’re going to have to try to put your foot down and say what you just can’t do right now. You’re already going to move in with her, so your family needs to help until you can get yourself together. Help might be them showing up physically, or chipping in to pay for help if your mom doesn’t have the money.

It’s so stressful taking care of family in need, even when you want to do it, and don’t mind giving your time and love to care for them. Some people don’t recognize the stress caregivers go through. You’re already in that role even though you haven’t moved in yet.

Funny, my MIL doesn’t want to move in with her daughter because she’s single. She’s more apt to come to my house.

LadyMarissa's avatar

@Patty_Melt I’m a 68 y/o widow.
Most of my family have passed. My only remaining family is a brother who lives 100 miles away & we don’t get along well enough to even attempt to live together. Plus, he’s almost as old as I am. I had convinced myself that as long as I had my cell with me that I was safe. Well, I fell in the floor & couldn’t get up. I laid there for a week before I was found. The battery had died on my cell & I couldn’t reach a charger. So, I had to rethink things I was given the option to get an alert system or go to a nursing home. I value my independence & didn’t consider the nursing home an option. After much research I decided to go with Mobile Help. I’ve been with them for almost a year & I’ve not had a problem yet. Fortunately I haven’t had another emergency yet either!!! If my memory serves me correct, I think they give you a 30 day free trial where you can send it back with no obligation if you don’t like it. Since I didn’t send it back, I can’t vouch for how competent they are on the return.
I didn’t start out to do an ad for Mobile Help; but, they have helped me retain my independence.

Patty_Melt's avatar

OMG. I got nothing else, just OMG.

MollyMcGuire's avatar

People have as much power as you give them. That’s it.

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