Social Question

furious_rose's avatar

If I'm the only one working, shouldn't I get to decide where we live?

Asked by furious_rose (468points) June 19th, 2018

My husband hasn’t had a job for pretty much the entire time we have been married. I work part time from home as a medical transcriptionist, and I bring in about $500 every two weeks (yes, I am extremely poor). If we didn’t get food stamps and Medi-Cal, we would probably be homeless.

Anyway, since I am the sole breadwinner in our marriage, I think I should be able to decide where we put down roots. He wants to stay in CA, but I don’t like it here. I mean, damn, I’m going to be paying all the bills!

How could we solve this problem? Am I being greedy and shortsighted ?

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21 Answers

chyna's avatar

Hi and welcome to Fluther. Why doesn’t your husband have a job? Is he disabled or just doesn’t want to work? That’s not the question you asked, so I won’t say what I think about that.
California is a very expensive place to live. I think you should be able to have a huge say in where you live since you earn the income.

furious_rose's avatar

He doesn’t have a job because he is a sex offender (he did his time in prison, but that doesn’t seem to matter to society), and it is nearly impossible to find any type of job with that kind of thing on your background check. There are also a lot of restrictions on what kind of jobs you are even allowed to have. So, it makes it tough for him, and I’m not completely unsympathetic.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

What are the life goals that you and your husband have? They have to be aligned if this is to be worked out.

JLeslie's avatar

In my opinion your vote does count more because you work, but of course everyone in the marriage does matter, all opinions and desires need to be considered.

I will say that two people wanting to live in two different places is a huge stressor on a marriage. It’s a really big deal.

Where you live is probably more expensive than average, but my bet is your Medicaid related benefits are better in CA than some other states.

Does your husband want to work?

furious_rose's avatar

The thing that keeps us stuck in Los Angeles is the fact that my rent is absurdly low ($550— for a one bedroom). It costs less than most people would pay to rent a ROOM in someone else’s HOME. So, I am very reluctant to take a chance by moving to say, Omaha, where the rent is about the same as I’m paying now, when I have the cheapest apartment in the state of California. I don’t know what to do!

My husband SAYS he wants to work, but I don’t know if I completely believe him. He is in jail right now (long story), and he made all sorts of promises to me about what a great guy he is going to be when he gets released. I have heard this before. It is lip service. I want to believe him, but I don’t trust that he will follow through. Any goals he has for work seem to evaporate when he moves back in with me. I have no desire to throw money at him to see what happens.

JLeslie's avatar

That rent amount you’re paying does sound like a great deal. Plus, you live in moderate weather, which is really nice.

Do you like where you live?

chyna's avatar

After a certain age, I stopped putting up with shit I didn’t like and didn’t need to put up with. You may want to really think about what he brings to this marriage.

rebbel's avatar

I have heard this before. It is lip service. I want to believe him, but I don’t trust that he will follow through.
If i can be blunt; I would read and reread this sentence that you wrote, and contemplate what you really want with this relationship.
You’ve heard it before.
You know what it is.
You don’t trust him (following through).
Does that weigh up to your desire (to believe him/to share your life with him)?

janbb's avatar

I have a different take on it. I think a marriage honors the thoughts and feelings of both people – no matter who brings in the bacon. Deciding that you get to decide because you are the one working sounds like a recipe for brealdown of the relationship. On the other hand, you also have to weigh your feelings for him and how important it is to you that he work. I think it is likely that it is hard for him to work with the limitations his past puts on him. So – how much do you love and trust him? If the answer is a lot, then you have to consider his feelings about a move as well as your own.

snowberry's avatar

Does he have physical limitations regarding the work he can do? If not there are jobs available. They won’t be fun ones. They would be jobs like mowing grass, garbage man, etc. also I know that if you just simply keep showing up and applying at the same place over and over again, sooner or later somebody will recognize how persistent you are, and that can make somebody with a less than stellar background, have their job application rise to the top of a stack.

I know absolutely nothing about him or you, but I’m guessing he’s not persistent. Thinking outside the box and persistence can get you places you never dreamed.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Her profile says she’s currently separated from her husband. In that case, go where ever you want.

LadyMarissa's avatar

Move & tell him that he’s more than welcome to go with you or he may choose to stay behind & become homeless. Maybe he could get a job IF you lived in a different location. My BFF’s son is a registered sex offender & he has had several good, high paying jobs. He was just HONEST up front on his resume & hid nothing that was going to be found in the background check. Several of his employers commented that it was his up front honesty that caused them to hire him.

I’ve just got to ask…in one place you say (he did his time in prison, but that doesn’t seem to matter to society). Then you turn around & say He is in jail right now (long story). IF he is still in jail, he can’t get a job because he can’t apply. IF he’s still in jail, you can move & he can choose to join you wherever YOU are. When you say ”I have heard this before. It is lip service. I want to believe him, but I don’t trust that he will follow through.” it sounds to me like it’s NOT his first time in jail during your marriage.

You’re dancing around what he did to land him in jail & you say you DON’T trust him; so, I don’t see much of a marriage to begin with. YOU need to decide whether you really want to continue being married to someone you can’t trust & who has been less than honest with you. Do you really want this man to be the father of your children???

I say it is UP TO YOU what you do & NOT because you are supporting the family but because you are an individual who can make “choices” of her own!!! Personally, I’d MAKE MY OWN choices & IF he wanted to be a part of my life, he’d “have to” become MORE honest with the way he treated me!!! In many ways you are “enabling” his behavior & he’s going to take advantage of your kindness.

You’ve been a better wife than most by waiting for him to get out of jail.

kritiper's avatar

I would say that that would be reasonable.

Patty_Melt's avatar

I have lived in Omaha.
The rent is comparable, as you have noted, but, there are other factors.
They have no office in Omaha for medical or food stamp assistance. They outsource to another state. You have to apply online.

Expenses other than housing are cheaper than in Cali. Some by quite a bit.
Gang violence is much more than you might expect in corn country. A guy died in my front yard just before I moved away, bullets in his head.
The buses are set up differently, and so if you have to use them, it takes some getting used to, but the drivers are super, super, helpful and nice.
They have a spectacular zoo there, but lots steep hills.
You can rent a house for what it costs to rent an apartment most other places, but they are older homes. You have to be able to appreciate the charm enough of an older home to overlook the aging.
If you like wildlife, you can find it right in the city there. We had a troop of turkeys which followed the mailman in military style. He once fed them, so they figured it was his duty thereafter. I fed them a few times. Once they got hungry, and I had no food out. The alpha Tom came up the steps to the front door and knocked. I kid you not!
Jobs are good pickings in Omaha. It is like a huge country town, except for the violence. Like four hundred Mayberrys all stuck together.
On Thanksgiving, you can’t find one single restaurant or cafe open anywhere.
If you moved there alone, I believe you could do fine. If your husband went with you, he could find a job IF HE WANTS TO.
Me, I would go without him, and not take him back unless he gets himself there and gets settled into a steady job FIRST.
Promises are easy to make, it is just air coming out of you fancy. It is the follow through which takes devotion.

Welcome to Fluther. Whatever you decide, I hope you will stay with us.

gorillapaws's avatar

No, the decision of where to live should be made as a couple. If you flip it around and he was the breadwinner and you were unemployed, it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to relocate your family without your consent saying “I make the money, I make the decisions.” We’d all call him a pig for that. Well the same applies to you when you’re making the income.

Having said that, your posts raise many concerns about whether this guy is even worth being in a marriage with. I suspect that’s the real question you’re struggling with (and rightfully so). Not to be a jerk or too judgemental, but the guy sounds like a real scumbag (at least from the little bit of info I’ve read). Life’s too short to spend the precious time you have with someone who sucks.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

Without you he will be living on street. Even he will acknowledge that it’s better to live in a different place based on your choosing than living on street. You paid the bills you have the saying in the matter of what you paid for. Why must he decide what you can do with your own money? That doesn’t make sense. Marriage status alone does not give him any right for that.

KNOWITALL's avatar

No matter how nice he is to you, with his past it will force you into a life you may not want, financially and emotionally. A marriage is two people trying, not just one, and a common goal in how you want to live your lives.

And in regards to your comment about him being a sex offender and society not caring he did his time, you are correct in that many in society will hear that one thing, judge him a scumbag (see @gorillapaws) and not want to help him, be around him, or you if you defend a sexual predator of some kind.

What I’m saying is that not one thing you posted gives me hope for your relationship or for your long-term happiness. I’m sorry.

gorillapaws's avatar

@KNOWITALL Just to be perfectly clear, it’s not EXCLUSIVELY the sex offender thing. There are potentially reasonable explanations there, along with overzealous prosecutors and such. I’m not leaping to conclusions based on that alone. He’s repeatedly breaking promises and may not be making much of an effort to find work or other ways to contribute to the family. If you look back at @furious_rose‘s previous questions you’ll see he was trying to insist on looking through her phone and browser history, and also she asked a question about physical abuse too. Taken in whole, and prefaced with the disclaimer that I could be wrong because I don’t know all of the facts, I’m operating under the assumption that this guy is probably a scumbag. If other facts come to light, I’m certainly willing to revise my operating hypothesis.

flutherother's avatar

A couple should share the decision of where to live. There are all sorts of factors that might come into play when deciding where to live. The more important decision is whether to remain married to him. A relationship without trust isn’t much of a relationship and you might want to consider if you would be better striking out on your own without him.

Darth_Algar's avatar

In another question you talked about a new boyfriend. Sounds like your marriage is already broken. So before anything else involving your husband you need to figure out if you even want to be married to him anymore.

MollyMcGuire's avatar

Why don’t you move wherever you want and leave your moocher husband in California.

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