Social Question

BackinBlack's avatar

Am I Being Sensitive?

Asked by BackinBlack (323points) 3 weeks ago

Ok I feel on an island about this situation, which has happened before. Do you think I have reason to feel left out or am I too sensitive?

This scenario includes my husband, K, his sister’s husband, E, and his mother, father, and sister.

In August E said he wanted to take K’s mom to a concert for her birthday. He asked both of us if we would like to go. The tickets would be free through his work (it’s a huge artist and tickets are VERY expensive) and he wanted a headcount early. We said definitely yes. His mom was excited and really wanted all her kids to be there.

So the concert is this Friday and we checked in with E to confirm we were going because we hadn’t really heard the plan, and he told us we can’t go, he doesn’t have tickets. We found out he got tickets for over 10 other people that E works with and we were shoved out. His mom was very upset to hear this news as well.
After K’s sister heard we weren’t going to go, she started pressuring him to somehow find tickets for us. Yesterday, E offered my husband (reluctantly) 1 ticket.

This exact scenario happened before with a concert for his dad’s b-day. We said we really wanted to go and right before the day he said there weren’t any tickets – yet he invited new people. He found 1 ticket for my husband and I ended up have to buy my own.

Now, usually, my husband says “well I won’t go if you can’t get my wife in!” He makes an effort to be like don’t exclude a member of the family. But he mentioned going without me this time. So my husband, his sister, his sisters’ husband, and his mom and dad all would be going with all these people he works with and I would have to stay home. I feel really left out. Especially since this has happened EXACTLY like this before.

I never, NEVER expect free stuff from E and I always appreciate it when he gets me concert tickets and there have been times I’ve asked if he could get me into a show and he couldn’t and I told him no worries thanks for trying –BUT- my problem is that months in advance he told me I would get to go with everyone, then I don’t and then he finds one ticket for my husband but not me. On top of inviting all his other buddies over me.

His family is a bit odd, they are extremely close and his parents are extremely obsessed with their kids. They don’t treat me like his wife often so I already feel sensitive about not feeling a part of the family.

I know I told my husband he should take the ticket and go without me, but I didn’t think he would be like “OK I will go!” I thought he would stick by his word on these situations. I know I can’t be mad, but my feelings are just really, really hurt.

When I told him I was feeling hurt that it all turned out this way he got defensive and said it’s not personal and started accusing me of being resentful if he went. I feel like he flip flopped on the subject. Like he was just as upset and took it just as personally as me until he was offered the ticket. And I felt like I was required to encourage him to go even though I knew I would miss out and feel sad about not going. Am I in the wrong for feeling this way?

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19 Answers

josie's avatar

You’re going to feel the way you feel nobody what anybody says, but I can certainly understand why you might feel put out.

But, you already mentioned how his family is, so you are probably a little used to it.

And if E promised more free tickets than he could get, then the truth is somebody is going to be left out.

I’m sorry it was you, but keep in mind it was bound to be somebody. E talked too much in advance of his planning. I would be less hurt, and more judgmental about E’s organizational skills.

snowberry's avatar

You can’t control what other people do, and you can’t control how you feel about it.

However, you can plan for a night at home (or out) with your friends (don’t invite jerky people), and make sure it’s a nice one. Hubby can come along or not, as he chooses, but the activities and the people you invite are your call.

The only rules are have fun (and don’t put up with nonsense from people who choose to cop an attitude).

chyna's avatar

You are not in the wrong for feeling that way. I would be upset,too.
But what’s done is done, so move on from it.
I would say no from now on to any tickets he boasts that he can get you all. If your husband objects then remind him of the hurt and left out feelings it has caused you in the past and you don’t want a repeat performance. No pun intended.

KNOWITALL's avatar

You are allowed to feel left out and bad, it’s not a very kind thing for E to do and he probably knows it.

Why are they unfriendly towards you? (Don’t treat you like his wife? Make them!) Has something happened or are they just a close family to the exclusion of everyone else?

BackinBlack's avatar

@KNOWITALL I wouldn’t say they are unfriendly, they just always think of them and their 2 kids and everyone else is like 1 dimensional. They still think that their kids should choose mom and dad over their spouses. His dad actually suggested we split up for Thanksgiving this year so they can all be together. I haven’t seen my family in over a year and we see his family every weekend just about. My husband was very upset that he didn’t see us as a unit or understand why he would want to see my family(which he considers his family too)... but I’m not surprised. :|

@chyna That’s a good point, I really think I will tell him next time no thanks, it never seems to work out.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@BackinBlack How old are their children? That’s pretty weird.

My husband and I have been through a few odd things, like his mom showing up every Saturday morning for coffee at 6am. We weren’t even married then and both enjoyed our work free weekends, ya know, like couples do.

Anyway, I told him it was his family, so he needed to handle it. It was really hard for him to tell his mom and things were frosty a few weeks, but in the end, she learned to respect our boundaries as a couple. (His brothers didn’t but she did.)

You may have to have a thoughtful conversation with your husband, when he’s ready to listen, and speak your piece. In my mind, he has to help you figure out a way to work things between the families, so you aren’t the one that is always hurt. Otherwise you’ll resent him and his family eventually, more than likely.

Inspired_2write's avatar

“His family is a bit odd, they are extremely close and his parents are extremely obsessed with their kids. They don’t treat me like his wife often so I already feel sensitive about not feeling a part of the family.”
Sounds like a mirror image of my life with my ex-husbands family.
His family ( or more like his mother only) was a possessive person who never liked the fact that her son married me ? Even though we were married for 11 years and had three children.
After being left out and not accepted to their Festivities and my husband went with our children with his parents without my knowledge all those years. I divorced him and my children and I moved to the next neighborhood near their schools. My husband was a mamas boy who did not have the gumption to stand up to them as he had more to gain ($) from his parents as he was an only child.
I suggest a Counselor to discuss how to manage your husbands inability to stand up for his wife etc In my case the mother was a bully, and probably years of abuse by her resulted in his inability to effectively stand up for himself, let alone his wife and kids?
Arrange to visit with your family when he is gone perhaps or plan something for yourself to enjoy? Either way there is a rift within that family and now your husband will go along with it and it will not portend for a unified marriage.
Your husbands anger displays his own frustration in trying to please both you and his families wishes instead of deciding for whats best for him?
Perhaps he may feel uneasy after he has gone but leave him to handle it without arguing as I am sure that he knows how hurt you feel? Maybe he will address this with his family when he meets up with them after this event.

BackinBlack's avatar

@KNOWITALL my husband is 30 and his sister is 34.That sounds like his parents! They show up in our neighborhood and just message him, “hey were outside.” Like they don’t even say can you visit for a while? they just expect us to stop our lives and go hang out. I get it it’s really hard to confront your family I hate that he’s in this position. I try not to complain too much but something has to be done.

Maybe I wouldn’t have felt so hurt about this concert thing if the balance wasn’t off so many other times.

@Inspired_2write
That’s why I hesitated to even tell him my feelings because I knew he felt frustrated trying to please both sides. But I am frustrated with giving up my needs just so he doesn’t have to worry about me, so his parents can be happy, and so they won’t give him a hard time. We’ve thought about counseling just to help us communicate better. If I ever have a kid I really hope I wont be like our Monster’s in Law!

His sister is clingy too. She lives in our building and she calls no joke 3–4 times a day ESPECIALLY weekends to ask for things or just tell him to come to her place. She shows up at his work more than I do and there was an incident where some of his coworkers thought she was his wife, and he had a kid with her. That made me jealous in a weird way lol.

She also will be weird about naming our possessions… for instance, it’s not “their” apartment it’s always “my brothers apartment.” “My brothers dog, my brother lives in my building” etc. I own a car that I pay for a space in the garage and she always calls him to ask if he can move his car or tells people “that’s my brothers car.” One time his mom called him and asked that he move his car so she could park there. He was like no – that’s R’s car not mine and she pays for that spot. That freakin’ bothers me!

Needing to vent today I guess. :D

KNOWITALL's avatar

@BackinBlack It feels disrespectful because it IS disrespectful. I mean what if you had friends over or were in bed making grandchildren?

I hate it for you, because it doesn’t feel good at all. Parents are not your peers, there’s a learning curve before parents turn to ‘friends’ (like with in laws), and everyone has to understand that so they don’t cross boundaries. Best of luck.

If it helps, my MIL and I are very close now, after we got all that cleared up.

Patty_Melt's avatar

Open a bank account all your own.
When you get left out, treat yourself, a night out, shopping, whatever will preserve a balance.
Don’t explain, just keep it as your own secret best friend.
If your husband doesn’t reach a point that he gets lonely without you at these family occasions, you may end up needing that account for more than self indulgence.

BackinBlack's avatar

@KNOWITALL I’m glad to hear that! I hope I can be close again with my MIL!

KNOWITALL's avatar

@BackinBlack I married the baby of three brothers, not including extended step brothers, so I got the brunt of her ‘empty nest syndrome’. They were fairly close, he worked for her construction company, and she basically dominated him and he didn’t even realize it until we got together and I mentioned a few odd things. Like the coffee every Sat & Sun morning…lol

He is so different now, and she had a really hard time letting go and letting him grow up. I think after he had the first really hard conversation, she figured out that when they choose a partner, that means mom and dad are replaced (to a degree of course) as their confidants.

Still to this day she grumps at me about him not calling her three times a day to check in, and I gently remind her he’s over 40 yrs old and that’s as it should be.

Please let us know how it works out! :)

Inspired_2write's avatar

@BackinBlack
When the sister or others say Its my brothers….etc
correct her righat away after every wrong statement “No it is OURS together as WE ARE HUSBAND AND WIFE WHITER YOU WISH TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT OR NOT IT IS FACT!
I feel sorry for your predicament as his family is trying to drive you away in order to best manipulate your husband into what ever they plan?In fact walk away from her or them when they say dumb things all just to get you angry. You defiantly need to see a Councillor on your own for support in handling this intolerable situation.
BTW after years of this kind of treatment I did divorce and surprise his mother and father wanted me to take my husband back! I told them flat out that I not only divorced my husband but his family as well since they treated me badly in all the 11 years of marriage.
They realized that their son was irresponsible and at that time lived again with them and they had had enough…too bad for them. It took about one or two years before he moved out on his own..I bet the parents paid for it too in the start?
Also a Counselor years later told me that I should had put my foot down earlier in the marriage to stop this from escalating for years…but in all fairness I had NO support at all as everything fell on deaf ears anyways. One thing is for sure I was freer when I divorced him & his family and of course I managed the finances much better and a stable environment for the kids too.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Inspired Good for you!! Congrats.

BackinBlack's avatar

@Inspired_2write This all comes down to putting our feet down! I’m glad you are freed!

We talked last night after yet another episode with his family (I started crying from the stress lol) He is totally on my side and he lovingly reminded me how I am his number 1 priority. He isn’t going to the concert now because he said he realized how awful he would feel at the show if I was home alone. He realized how little he was saying to them to keep them from overstepping boundaries and being dicks.

I told him also that I see them manipulate him into doing things just because they want control and how I lose something from it as well. I said you have GOT to put your foot down at some point. I think he was a little bit shocked about what I saw from my point of view – he really needed to hear that.

Being married is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@BackinBlack Good for you!!! Marriage is not all fun and games, for sure!

Inspired_2write's avatar

@BackinBlack
Glad that you talked with your husband and communication is the key to s successful long term marriage.
I might suggest that after years of this behavior I really don’t see improvement from that family so it may be in both of your interests to move entirely out into another neighborhood and hold boundaries firm as to when or IF they wish to visit as it is very rude not too phone first to confirm that they are welcome to visit. They were taking both of you for granted with an open door policy of which neither of you had to agreed too as ITS YOUR HOME YOUR RULES. Good luck its a long hard battle but this is just the beginning.

Kardamom's avatar

I have not yet read any of the other answers, will do so after posting.

It sounds like you are a second class citizen in the wyes of all of these people. Your BIL asks if you are interested, but then has no available tickets for you, because all of the “other” tickets were given to his co-workers.

Your husband does nothing to find out why his own brother offers tickets to co-workers before you, his own wife, and is happy to accept a ticket for himself, rather than adamantly declining to go without you.

This has happened more than once. Everyone in this scenario (except you, unless there are some details you are leaving out) suck!

I would be heading to the counselor or the divorce attorney if I were you. They have been very disrespectful, all of them.

If you have done nothing to make them feel disrespectful towards you, then I would be looking for the next exit from these people.

Patty_Melt's avatar

I am glad you were able to have a good heart to heart talk with your husband.
A good marriage needs that.
It sounds like you are feeling much better now.
Please stick around.
I think it will be nice having you in the fluther.

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