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scarecrowandtinman's avatar

Mom is always furious and screaming is there anything I can do?

Asked by scarecrowandtinman (70points) April 13th, 2019

I left because the tension was hurting my body and I am way too old to put up with this. Also she kept yelling at me in public for things I have no control over. For instance, me spraining my ankle and my car dying.

When I come to help, she treats me like crap and makes feel bad for not being a buffer for her non stop fights with my father. She blames me for my nieces and nephews not wanting to visit, because she is mean to them. She is also mad , I am friends with this older lady, and we do mother daughter stuff together. Because my mom doesn’t go anywhere and thinks my interest are stupid.

Everyone at work hates her too and she rants about that too. I thinks it’s the starvation diet she is on , she can’t eat anything but spinach and special shakes to lower her cholesterol. She was always bad, but the new cholesterol pills make her very aggressive. She doesn’t sleep. I think she is starving, but she won’t eat normal food. Because her quack diet guru says all normal food is bad.

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10 Answers

janbb's avatar

You need to stay away from her. What I would suggest is that you go once, tell her you love her but you can not be with her while she is acting so destructively. Tell her you are setting a boundary and you will see her again if, and when, her diet and behavior change. Then stay away. If you love your father, you can arrange to see him out of the house. Good luck!

scarecrowandtinman's avatar

I am only coming over there when the nieces and nephews are there. Her dr. wants to put her on mood relaxers but she stormed out of there. Her friendsand her sisters had an intervention and she was confused as to why they were doing this.

canidmajor's avatar

Hi, @scarecrowandtinman, welcome to Fluther!

I am the child of a parent with a severe Personality Disorder, what you describe sounds similar. This website, https://outofthefog.website/, has a ton of resources and a bunch of different fora that address different kinds of circumstances. The accounts are anonymous and the people are kind. Do take a look, it has helped me a lot.

Good luck with this, I am so sorry you are having to deal with it.

kritiper's avatar

Move out.

Patty_Melt's avatar

Hi! Welcome to fluther.
If you believe your mother is adversely affected by her medication, you must say something.
I was on a medication for two years which caused personality change, but I was unable to recognize it in myself. My daughter was the only one around me enough to see there was a difference, but she didn’t help, she just got mad and ran away from home. I finally got off that and now take what I actually needed. I feel much better and can now recognize a big change that I just didn’t see before. My point here is, when medications cause personality changes, there is usually an alternative, but patients may need help recognizing they have changed.
A change in lifestyle is frequently a clue, and this diet guru sounds like a lifestyle change to me. She is seeking ways to feel better without realizing she might need a conversation with her doctor.
If you know who her doctor is, you might contact him/her about your concerns.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Wait…didn’t she ask this almost exact same question a few weeks ago?

Just stay away from her. Glad you got out.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Talk to the father her husband and explain what is going on, then leave.
In regards to “When I come to help, she treats me like crap and makes feel bad ..”
No one can make you fell anything without your permission.

If she yells turn away and talk softly as this sometimes gets the person yelling to stop to hear what you are saying and thus calms her down.

Police are taught this to calm down bar crowds..the drunk shuts up and tries to hear what the cop is saying. ( usually its” you under arrest.)

Its the fathers/husbands responsibility to get her the help that she needs, just keep the kids away from her as its damaging them.

seawulf575's avatar

I guess it depends on how hard you want to fight to help your mother. I went through similar things with my father. You really have only three options. Do nothing and continue as things are, walk away, or try to get to the bottom of why she seems to be a horrible person. Was she always this way? Did she always yell at you or belittle you? Was she always distant from you? Or is this a more recent thing? If it is a fairly recent thing, it might be dietary or pharmaceutical in nature.
Given the limited information, I would suggest (a) talking with your father first. See what his thoughts are. Tell him your concerns and what is bothering you. See if she is like that with everyone (which it sounds like she is) or if it is just select people. See if he has any ideas. Getting the opinion of someone else is always nice since it can put your own opinions in perspective. (b) Take some time to think about which of your mom’s actions is bothering you, and then prioritize them. Not eating/starving sounds pretty serious, but being hostile to everyone is pretty serious as well. Only you know what bothers you the most. (c) The hard part…talking to her. You need to tell her how you feel and what you worry about with her. Be honest, but don’t be combative. Understand she will be combative and hostile…don’t get sucked in. Don’t play her game. This is time for you to make the effort to get through to her. Ask her why she seems to put you down. Ask her why no one wants to be around her. Ask her if she really believes that you go out of your way to try making her angry. Again…Don’t get angry or hostile!! This is time to be calm.
And lastly, for your own mental and physical health, you need to be ready, willing, and able to walk away. That sounds harsh and cold, but it is a simple truth. You may not be able to get through to her, so you may need to cut ties with her.
My father had mental issues that manifested in many ways…paranoia, being judgmental, being mentally abusive, etc. I spent many years trying to understand him and to help him, but he refused to even admit there might be something wrong with him (even though everyone else had long since turned their backs on him). When I got married and had my first child on the way, I had him over for dinner. He was insulting to my wife, he was insulting to me, he was spouting all sorts of paranoid things….he was being who he had become. I finally told him as calmly as I could, that he had a problem. I pointed out how that problem had changed his life in the negative direction. I told him that if he wanted to get help for that problem I would be there for him every step of the way. But I also told him that if he wanted to believe I was wrong and that he had no problem, then he had to be out of my life. I didn’t want to subject my wife and children to his behavior. He refused to admit he had a problem and we spent 6 years not speaking to one another. He almost died before I saw him again. We eventually got back to some semblance of a relationship after that and he was much more mellow than he had been before. Still had issues and would not, under any circumstances, admit he had them…but he was not as insulting and was less demonstratively paranoid.
I wish you well in your efforts with your mom. Hopefully it is something like a new medication that is screwing with her. Getting that info to her doctor could do wonders! But if it is not, I hope she at least has an open mind when you talk with her. In the end, you see the things she does that you think are wrong….don’t let those things become a part of your way of life. Break that cycle!

scarecrowandtinman's avatar

no I just made a profile this week.

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