Ok. I have a true story.
My ex, and I were together, for about 5 years. I get a bit gassy, in the morning. For 3 years, when she slept over, the next morning was always difficult. Morning farts, are usually the worst but mainly loud with no odor. I always either held them in, or left the room for awhile, and let them out. I obviously didn’t want her to hear me fart…
One morning, after a heavy night of drinking, and eating, lots of different things, we woke up, and were just talking, and laying in bed. I had, what I thought was a brilliant idea. I told her “ear muffs.” And put both my hands on her ears. I had been holding in a big one. So. With my hands on her ears, I let ‘er rip. Unfortunately, it wasn’t just gas… I had “sharted.”
Not a lot… Maybe a teaspoon. So there I was, with my hands on her ears, and a teaspoon of doo door butter, between my cheeks… Luckily, I had my boxers on, but otherwise, it had become aninteresting situation… I released her ears.
Not sure what to do, I told her I needed to go check some laundry that I had put in, before we went to bed the night before. The look on her face, told me, that we both new what happened… I gripped my butt cheeks together, and slowly, every so slowly, crept backwards out of the room. And headed for the restroom. This was my old house, where I lived in a converted garage. So I had to walk threw a joining room to the rest of the house, through the living room, and down the hall, to get to the restroom.
Well. We also had multiple friends that slept in the living room that night. All were up, and about, making breakfast, and talking etc. So. I had to walk (obviously awkwardly, through the crowd, and then, the bathroom, was occupied. So. I stood in the hall, and waited another 15 minutes, for the bathroom. All the while. It became pretty obvious, that everyone knew approximately what I was up to…
I took care of business, showered, and changed.
When I left the bathroom, all my friends were still laughing at me. And then I returned to the bedroom.
My ex was still there, in bed. We didn’t really talk about it… But she opined, that that was an awful long time, to check on laundry…
And I missed out on morning sex, for obvious reasons…
It seemed like such a great plan, at first. I would just cover her ears, and not have to suffer gas pain every morning, or the embarrassment of my morning flatulence.
This episode falls under the categoryof EPIC FAILURE…
Seeing as how the maiden voyage, of my brilliant idea, went about as good as the Titanic’s, I did not attempt the strategy again. And so. I suffered for the next few years. Like the one’s before that fateful morning. Not unlike the crumpled wreck of the once famous ocean liner, at the bottom of the sea. And similarly to the failure of the multi-bulkhead systems, that were supposed to make the Titanic unsinkable, my small intestine, colon, and sphincter, had failed.
The incident, is now a part of history. And is brought up, from time to time, as one of the best intentioned disasters, in history. It’s still a laughing stock, at my expense, every now and then, when my friends and I get to talking about embarrassing moments of our past…
Fin….
